# "Reward" sex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2010, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690 "2010-07-14T18:27:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/61 "2010-07-15T14:46:30Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > I don’t think sex should be used as a reward or a punishment; I’m OK with it being used as a gift, though. This is probably what I am trying to say in my clumsy way. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/62 "2010-07-15T15:00:38Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > This is probably what I am trying to say in my clumsy way. Errr … ditto. Sorry, **olives** , if this turned weird or sour in any way. Hope your loving husband feels appreciated however you decided to show it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/63 "2010-07-15T15:09:08Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > My apologies. Thank you, because, TBH, the idea of ‘‘reward sex’’ kinda squicks me out. I think it can work for some people, but it certainly would not be appropriate in my relationship. But I think, to answer the OP, there is a difference between giving someone a reward and showing appreciation. **As Runs With Scissors** says: [QUOTE=Runs With Scissors] The replies here have shown me that most people see a difference between keeping a running tally (ick) and thinking, “Hey, that was awesome; I’m going to turn the amp up to 11.” [/QUOTE] The former is weird and manipulative, the latter is more like, ‘‘Hi! I like you! Let’s do something you’ll really enjoy!’’ The key is that the person doing the sexual favor (for the sake of argument we’ll say a BJ) is finding genuine enjoyment in the knowledge that the other person is going to have a really good time. One may not get sexual gratification out of giving a blow job, per se, but there is emotional gratification in showing someone you love a good time. There is a line somewhere, but I think it’s different for every couple, and depends a lot on what sex means to each of them as individuals. Some people don’t think of it as any different from taking out the trash, other people attach more emotional or spiritual significance to sex. The couple’s sexual history and personality contributes significantly to whether the situation is healthy or not. As for the idea of '‘rewarding’'a spouse in general, it’s hard for me to say I don’t approve because I’m married to a student of behavioral psychology who tends to see all behavior in terms of positive reinforcement, reward, negative reinforcement, or punishment. [Shaping](http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&client=firefox-a&hs=B15&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&q=shaping&aq=f&aqi=g-e3g7&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=) is a common occurrence in our household, and has become a kind of game. We use positive reinforcement a lot to help one another achieve personal goals, so I think there are contexts where rewarding a spouse for positive behavior can be constructive and healthy. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/64 "2010-07-15T15:21:06Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Thank you, because, TBH, the idea of ‘‘reward sex’’ kinda squicks me out. I think it can work for some people, but it certainly would not be appropriate in my relationship. I’ll admit, that’s how it struck me, when Mal came back and mentioned you were having marital problems. I normally would just let this drop, but I know you prefer honesty, so here I am. In a relationship with…issues such as yours, I would be really really uncomfortable with the idea of gift sex (as I am now going to call it). Contrariwise, I see nothing wrong with it with mine…because I do not have those issues (plenty of others, perhaps, but not those. :)) This isn’t a criticism of you. Or your relationship. It is a completely different dynamic. You bring things to the table I don’t, and vice versa. I agree with the rest of your post. Of course everyone is going to look at the situation through their own filters, but as I said earlier, everyone has a different dynamic in their relationships. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/65 "2010-07-15T15:23:15Z")
I honestly don’t see a problem with it. Isn’t it usually you guys that are saying that sex is just fun, not something you should get hung up about? If both people are consenting adults, what’s the harm? ETA: And I realize olives is not in that relationship where both would consent to reward sex. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/66 "2010-07-15T15:58:04Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I normally would just let this drop, but I know you prefer honesty, so here I am. And I appreciate it, greatly. I think an easy misunderstanding might have occurred in that thread because the first thing I said when someone mentioned a BJ was ‘‘oh, sex is a given.’’ I think someone could easily assume that meant, ‘‘I already intend to reward him with sex,’’ when really I just meant that this was going to happen regardless so there was nothing particularly ‘‘rewardy’’ about it. And I do realize, for someone who participated in the thread where I discussed our sexual issues, how that might have been a significant ‘‘WTF’’ moment. Luckily for us, things change and problems can be overcome, but it’s not like I ever made that explicit. I expected sex to be a suggestion in that thread, though I was surprised how very many guys suggested it. It didn’t feel like harassment though. I do appreciate those who took the time to point out the difference, psychologically, between a blow job and intercourse. Because now that I think about it, it does seem that intercourse can be a lot of work for a guy. ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/67 "2010-07-15T20:38:17Z")
Cook him a nice meal and dessert. Food is a great way to a mans heart. Sex is fine too if you want to but honestly I think he would appreciate the meal more and the sex at some unexpected time. Before you know it every time he does something good he will be unzipping his pants… “Honey, I just chopped a cord of wood wanna help me with my zipper”? On the other hand you may get a lot more things around the house done that way… ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/68 "2010-07-15T23:01:23Z")
Well, let’s see. My SO does something really nice for me. My emotional response to that is “I think you’re _awesome._ I love you!” I’m having sex with my SO. The feelings I’m expressing with that act are “I think you’re _awesome._ I love you!” Wait… what was the question again? Anyway, why exactly is an act of appreciation somehow distinct from an act of love? If we’re talking about my SO, love and appreciation go hand-in-hand. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/69 "2010-07-16T04:04:04Z")
The closest I’ve come to this kind of thing is when one person wants the other person to do X but they don’t particularly feel like it at the moment, so a ‘barter’ transaction of sorts takes place. Count me in the minority, but I actually like the concept of someone doing something sexually to me because they are obligated. It makes me feel powerful and in control of the situation, of course this is more of a fantasy thing and at the end of the day both parties are doing what they are doing because they want to, they are simply playing along with the fantasy. IE if I win at cards I get a blowjob. This only works half the time as the other half of the time my partner is laughing too hard (at the concept/situation) to really concentrate. I’m always willing to give oral as a favor but I’ve noted that in my experience, women universally prefer back rubs. Just arbitrarily going to town down there doesn’t have the same thrill for them it has for me, but they’ll never pass up a back rub. Lately I’ve been bartering back rubs so my girlfriend will be the designated driver when we go out 😛 ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/70 "2010-07-16T04:20:35Z")
> [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](#): > > At first I thought I was being wooshed that anyone would suggest sex as a way to show appreciation. I’m trying really hard to come up with a way to express my feelings about it without sounding like an uptight prude or, worse, holier than thou. But I can’t 🙂 Prostitution, really. I don’t want to be “rewarded” with sex. I want sex with me to BE its own reward from HER perspective. (That I benefit from it most deliciously should NOT be on her mind at all!) If I wanted to be serviced I’d be making arrangments with the professionals in miniskirts and hotpants. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/71 "2010-07-16T13:26:10Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > If I wanted to be serviced I’d be making arrangments with the professionals in miniskirts and hotpants. Miniskirts AND hotpants? Why, that just sounds like a fashion nightmare! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/72 "2010-07-16T13:40:18Z")
I’d far prefer my partner to want to have sex with me so both benefit and enjoy it. Seeing it as a reward seems lopsided. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/73 "2010-07-16T15:31:30Z")
> [@Perciful](#): > > Cook him a nice meal and dessert. Food is a great way to a mans heart. Sex is fine too if you want to but honestly I think he would appreciate the meal more and the sex at some unexpected time. > > Before you know it every time he does something good he will be unzipping his pants… “Honey, I just chopped a cord of wood wanna help me with my zipper”? On the other hand you may get a lot more things around the house done that way… It’s true you should keep the sex supply under lock and key. Giving it up as reward entails the risk that he’ll end up expecting you to spread 'em _every_ time he rescues the kids from a house fire or a pack of rabid timber wolves. Call it inflation. But on the other hand some wives might find it easier to get that new refrigerator or SUV if they were prepared to put out for it. What to do, what to do… ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/74 "2010-07-16T23:15:54Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > But it _is_ different: You are doing the cooking (the work) and he is doing the eating (the pleasurable part) > > During “reward sex” you are both having sex, which ideally, should be pleasurable to both of you. How is that a reward? To expand on this example: I love to cook. I do, honestly, get pleasure from it. But only when I’m cooking with or for someone else. I hate cooking for myself. It’s boring and frustrating. I also love sex. And 90% of the pleasure I get from it is in pleasing my partner. Knowing that my partner is really turned on really turns _me_ on. I guess I’m still not seeing how this hypothetically is supposed to be a chore for me, or why it should have to be. I get a lot of joy from showing someone I love that I love and appreciate them. I’m confused as to why I’m apparently not supposed to like doing so at all? ---
**Author:** ![Stoneburg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@Stoneburg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoneburg)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/75 "2010-07-16T23:23:31Z")
I actually agree with the OP but the other way around. I’m not comfortable with “reward sex” in a casual relationship or booty call, but I am comfortable with it in a committed serious relationship. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/76 "2010-07-17T02:41:18Z")
I fail to see how reward or appreciation sex is different than any other kind of reward or appreciation in a relationship. If someone said, “You should cook a really nice meal for your SO, draw a bath with scented candles, and give a massage,” I highly doubt that anyone would find that an “icky” way to reward or appreciate someone. It just so happens to be that dinner/bath/massage is a more stereotypical way to reward a woman, and a pouncing on your SO as soon as he walks through the door and giving some oral is a more stereotypical way to reward a man. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/77 "2010-07-17T03:30:12Z")
> [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](#): > > It just so happens to be that dinner/bath/massage is a more stereotypical way to reward a woman, and a pouncing on your SO as soon as he walks through the door and giving some oral is a more stereotypical way to reward a man. Which is why it’s wrong. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/78 "2010-07-17T03:50:08Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Which is why it’s wrong. Care to elaborate? ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/79 "2010-07-17T03:51:31Z")
> [@Mrs.Cake](#): > > That would be like using pizza for a reward! The implication would be that I thought he enjoyed it’s hot gooey goodness more than I did. Wrong wrong wrong. Of course, if he really liked the Deluxe Taco Pizza while I prefered strictly pepperoni, if I thought he deserved a treat I might defer my taste to his that evening rather than insisting on a half-and-half. No, it’s more like this. You have to eat right? And nourishment isn’t a treat, it’s a necessity. But ICE CREAM (or your example of pizza), now that’s a treat, a reward, a little above and beyond from regular food. So with so-called “reward” sex you’re sharing something that you normally share, but it’s bonus, extra, surprise sex. That both people, including the rewardER (not a real word :D) enjoy it, doesn’t mean that it’s not still a pleasant reward for the rewardED. I mean, is a reward only a reward if it’s something that’s a sacrifice or unpleasant for the rewarder? No, of course not! ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/80 "2010-07-17T04:00:01Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > But it _is_ different: You are doing the cooking (the work) and he is doing the eating (the pleasurable part) > > During “reward sex” you are both having sex, which ideally, should be pleasurable to both of you. How is that a reward? > > It’s like there is a good movie coming out that you both like, and as a “reward” for him being nice, you propose to go see the movie together. How is that a reward? See this is what I was talking about. So basically there is a school of thought that says the person providing the reward has to not enjoy it in order for the recipient to consider it a reward? That’s silly in my book. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690.md?page=5)