# "Reward" sex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2010, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690 "2010-07-14T18:27:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/81 "2010-07-17T04:11:48Z")
> [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](#): > > Care to elaborate? That quite often, the traditionally male preferred dynamic is frowned upon whereas the traditionally female preferred dynamic is held up as a model. E.g.: Promiscuity is reprehensible and marriage is what all should aspire to. Or take the accusations that porn provides an unrealistic depiction of sex. This is quite true (it’s light fiction entertainment, after all), but there’s seldom any complaint from the people who make that accusation that chick flicks and Harlequin romances give unrealistic depictions of relationships. Caveat: I said “traditionally” because as this thread shows, it’s not as if all women are on one side of the issue and all men on the other. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/82 "2010-07-17T04:25:39Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > That quite often, the traditionally male preferred dynamic is frowned upon whereas the traditionally female preferred dynamic is held up as a model. E.g.: Promiscuity is reprehensible and marriage is what all should aspire to. > > Or take the accusations that porn provides an unrealistic depiction of sex. This is quite true (it’s light fiction entertainment, after all), but there’s seldom any complaint from the people who make that accusation that chick flicks and Harlequin romances give unrealistic depictions of relationships. I’m confused. Are we arguing the same thing? Maybe I’m just not sure what the “it” in your “Which is why it’s wrong” is a pronoun for. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/83 "2010-07-17T06:13:30Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > See this is what I was talking about. So basically there is a school of thought that says the person providing the reward has to not enjoy it in order for the recipient to consider it a reward? > > That’s silly in my book. Exactly. It goes beyond silly and careens straight into bizarre, speaking as someone who takes pleasure from giving pleasure. I can’t think of a circumstance where I _could_ willingly give someone I care about a reward of some sort, and not thoroughly enjoy doing so. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/84 "2010-07-17T07:19:47Z")
Is the OP under the impression that sex can NOT be withheld? Believe me, it can be. And what goes on in someone else’s marriage sex wise is not really our business. If both of them agree to it, more power to them. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/85 "2010-07-17T11:46:37Z")
> [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](#): > > I’m confused. Are we arguing the same thing? Maybe I’m just not sure what the “it” in your “Which is why it’s wrong” is a pronoun for. it= showing appreciation with sex. I agree with you. I was saying (in a way which this medium makes likely to be misunderstood) that this is part of a general attitude that traditionally female desires are nice and the traditionally male desires are crass. ---
**Author:** ![Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/278dde/32.png) [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Runs_With_Scissors)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/86 "2010-07-17T16:51:29Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > Is the OP under the impression that sex can NOT be withheld? Believe me, it can be. > And what goes on in someone else’s marriage sex wise is not really our business. If both of them agree to it, more power to them. Here’s what I said in my OP: > [@](#): > > If sex can be “given” than it can be “withheld.” What if someone asked how they can “get back” at their SO for not helping out extra? Would it be acceptable for people to suggest “No sex!”? Ugh…I’m sure the typo didn’t help make that clear 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/87 "2010-07-17T21:56:40Z")
That is your last paragraph. Read it with the others to get the context of saying it shouldn’t be given or withheld. And yes, disapproval of a spouses behavior frequently manifests in the bedroom. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2010, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/88 "2010-07-19T19:19:18Z")
If there is “reward sex” is there punishment sex (am too scared to google it). I would like to say that I really hope I am never in a relationship like the ones many have here on this board. How is sexual intercourse when you are wish to show appreciation any different from say a cuddle at the end of a long day? I don’t think anyone in a serious relationship has not had occasion to go through with intercourse when they did not want to out of a favour to a partner and vice versa, why is the OP situation squicky? ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2010, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690/89 "2010-07-19T19:37:25Z")
Well, I dunno. I personally like to think I wouldn’t find providing the kind of sex you’re talking about objectionable as long as I was physically up for it, but then I never really had to make good on that and you never know, it might turn out to be a bigger deal than I think. But on thinking it over, I guess if a relationship has generally good sex then there’s nothing wrong with saying “You’ve been brilliant lately honey - it’s steak and BJ day today”. I think the fine dividing line comes only when steak and BJ is never on the table otherwise. Then I would say it was looking dubious. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reward-sex/546690.md?page=4)