# Rewrite Pop Culture History **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 12, 2005, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727 "2005-08-12T14:27:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Oregon\_sunshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/50afbb/32.png) [@Oregon\_sunshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oregon_sunshine)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2005, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727/41 "2005-08-13T18:57:57Z")
circa 2025: Musician/songwriter **Elliott Smith** has announced his retirement from the music business after a brilliant career that included 25 albums and countless spectacular live shows. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2005, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727/42 "2005-08-13T19:32:20Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > Jan. 1, 1998 - Director James Cameron commits suicide after dismal showing for his $200 million dollar epic, Titanic. A note left at the scene apologizes to the studio for causing it to go into banckruptcy. The movie, a retelling of that fateful night in 1912, was grossly over-budget and poorly written. After a first weekend take of only $100,000, the movie was quickly pulled and re-edited down to a less-sleep inducing 1hr and 45 minutes. Unfortunately, this did not help as the re-edited movie drew only $150. All prints of the movie will be destroyed says the studio. > > Its male star, Leonardo DeCaprio announced his departure from motion pictures. “What the hell was I thinking,” he said at a press conference. > > The movie also caused famed reviewer Roger Ebert to retire as well. “I have lost all faith in Hollywood to make a decent movie ever again. I haven’t seen a travesty like this since Porky’s 3.” Actor/Director Kevin Costner has reached new heights with his epic “Waterworld,” which has just earned a record 12 Oscars. We only hope that no future director tries to make a movie involving a lot of water. It would obviously be a ripoff and a failure. ---
**Author:** ![RandomLetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8edcca/32.png) [@RandomLetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandomLetters)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2005, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727/43 "2005-08-13T23:56:50Z")
> [@marque elf](#): > > Did you see the recent article in The New York Times about the retirement of Rear Admiral Robert A. Heinlein? The history of the US Navy would’ve been very different if the lung problems he’d had early in his career had forced him to leave the service. We’ might’ve been drawn into along and bloody war if he hadn’t insisted that there be an early warning defense screen around the base at Pearl Harbor, I wonder what he would’ve done if he’d been forced to resign his commission because of health concerns. And of course, who can forget how Adm Heinlein pushed heavily for space exploration in the post war era? And how he was key in thawing relationships with the Soviets by inviting them to join the first missions to Mars, provided they make half the nuclear bombs needed for the trip. Without Adm Heinlein’s influence, we would still likely be stuck in low Earth orbit, even now. And can some tell me the name of the Sci-Fi story with this premise? I can’t remember right now. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![audit1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@audit1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/audit1)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2005, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727/44 "2005-08-14T00:31:05Z")
> [@RandomLetters](#): > > And of course, who can forget how Adm Heinlein pushed heavily for space exploration in the post war era? And how he was key in thawing relationships with the Soviets by inviting them to join the first missions to Mars, provided they make half the nuclear bombs needed for the trip. Without Adm Heinlein’s influence, we would still likely be stuck in low Earth orbit, even now. > > And can some tell me the name of the Sci-Fi story with this premise? I can’t remember right now. :smack: Cant remember the title but Larry Niven was the author ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2005, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727/45 "2005-08-14T00:33:22Z")
_The Return of William Proxmire_. Available in **N-Space.** ---
**Author:** ![DKW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dkw/32/3118_2.png) [@DKW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DKW)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2005, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727/46 "2005-08-14T20:49:52Z")
**MC Hammer plans to keep doing what he’s doing** “What the hell was I thinking?” asked the rap superstar regarding his recent publically expressed desire to break into the “gangsta” subgenre. “I build an incredible career out of clean, family-friendly rap, I’m making truckloads of cash, and I want to trash all of it for a style I have absolutely zippo chance of having any success with? Screw that!” He also reiterated his lifelong desire to popularize rap in mainstream America and dismantle all the narrow-minded stereotypes that have built up around it. **Beavis and Butthead remembered as an overrated concept that benefitted from incredibly lucky timing** One longtime MTV viewer echoed the sentiments of many when he commented, “Yeah, it had some cool ideas, but how much damn mileage can you get out of ‘huh-huh, huh-huh’ and ‘shut up, buttmunch’, anyway? Listen, it came along at a time when we weren’t at war with fifteen countries and gas prices weren’t going through the roof and some of us actually had jobs and the biggest crisis gripping the nation was some moron intern giving some moron president a blowjob. A lot of us could’ve used a little shock value, and Beavis and Butthead delivered it. It wasn’t that great an idea, okay?” He also went on record as to saying that The Ren and Stimpy Show was an acquired taste which he hoped he’d never acquire. **Irate golf fans up in arms over Tiger Woods’ endless 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th place finishes** “I can’t take it anymore!” screamed a former fan. “He talks big and then comes up short again and again and again! He finished behind _Vijay frickin’ Singh_ in the British Open! I meah, hell-o, 2004 was _last_ year!” “He’s the biggest joke in golf,” lamented another. “Everyone paints him as this invincible juggernaut, and about 90% of the time he finishes in a spot below first. I tell you, it’s getting pretty damn old. And the worst part is, we hardly _hear_ any of it from the commentators. It’s always ‘consistency’ and ‘money list’ and all that other irrelevant crap.” One of the bright spots from Tiger’s dwindling popularity is that it’s prompted a serious reassessment of the “second place is the first loser” mentality that’s pervaded sports for decades. “If that’s the American mentality, than Americans are idiots,” replied a commentator. “Rest assured that we will invoke Tiger’s remarkable record of consistency whenever possible. Hopefully, in time, he will eliminate this reprehensible ideology once and for all.” **Sony to delay launch of the PS2 until they can actually produce enough systems to meet demand** “How the hell do you hype, hype, hype this amazing new system and don’t even make it available to about 99.9% of the customers who _want_ one?” asked an exasperated Sony representative. “That’s gotta be the most ridiculous, brain-dead idea I’ve heard of in my life.” “Look, guys, we have NOTHING,” snapped a production manager. “All the games except for about 20 cookie-cutter sports titles are still in development, we have enough systems for about half a small town, _maybe_ two-thirds, and we’ve barely started negotiating with the peripheral manufacturers. It’s going to be at least a year before we have anything resembling a decent launch, so you’d all better just learn to be a little patient, all right?” ---
**Author:** ![marque\_elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71c47a/32.png) [@marque\_elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marque_elf)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2005, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727/47 "2005-08-14T21:53:12Z")
From the Rugby public school’s newspaper (circa 1823) As all the masters and pupils familiar with the 6th form know all too well, William Webb Ellis fancies himself something of a humourist. In the middle of an otherwise lack-lustre intramural football match between his house and their ancient rivals in Fotheringay, he scooped up the ball and began to run with it towards his opponent’s goal. The Sports master whistled him down and then in front of both sides and the spectators, began to lecture young Mr. Ellis on the rules of both football and good sportsmanship. He then restricted the offender to the school’s grounds for the rest of the term and, as his Greek teacher, assigned him 500 lines of Homer that had to be ready for the next session of class. We feel it will quite a long while before Mr. Ellis again decides to alter the laws of our national game for his own amusement. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2005, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727/48 "2005-08-14T21:58:05Z")
Universal didn’t throw out its silent films in the late 1940’s, the Fox vault in Perth Amboy did not explode in 1937, and nothing happened to MGM’s Vault 7 in 1967. As a result, thousands of silent films still exist. For that matter, the major TV networks have never had a major tape wiping, so all their programming after around 1965 or so is still around. ---
**Author:** ![buns3000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c89c15/32.png) [@buns3000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buns3000)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2005, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727/49 "2005-08-15T03:24:08Z")
> [@Rubystreak](#): > > 1984: In a shocking revelation, George Lucas has announced his retirement after the staggering success of _Return of the Jedi_, claiming that the Star Wars trilogy is enough for a life’s work. He will continue to be the brains behind Industrial Light and Magic, but he will not write or direct any more films. > > When asked, if future technology would allow him to re-edit his classic films, would he do it, Mr. Lucas replied, “No, never. That would be blasphemy. I’d hope my fans would have me drawn and quartered if I ever had such a lapse of sense and judgement.” Yes. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2005, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727/50 "2005-08-27T03:19:57Z")
**Minneapolis, MN** February 13, 2000 Reverend Charles Monroe Schulz passed away this morning from cancer. He is survived by his wife, Donna and their three children. Rev. Schulz’s passing was a great blow to the hundreds of members of his congregation. “He always used to draw little cartoons on the blackboard during Bible study, to illustrate the parables,” said parishioner Elmer Hagemeyer. “We used to tell him he could probably make a living as an illustrator, but he said he felt the Lord had sent him where he was needed most.” ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2005, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727/51 "2005-08-27T03:33:24Z")
**Sept. 1, 1999** : The Sci-Fi Channel announced today that they have renewed **Mystery Science Theater 3000** for an unprecedented 10 years. The first victim of Mike and his robotic friends, Tom Servo and Crow, will be the James Cameron’s epic, _Titanic_ followed by _Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace_. In fact, all the “experiments” this season will be big-budget Hollywood blockbusters. “The budget for Titanic alone is equal to the budgets of 2-3 seasons of the z-grade movies we’re used to doing,” says Mike Nelson, head writer and host. “We’re going to make a LOT of enemies this year,” he quiped. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-pop-culture-history/316727.md?page=2)