# Rewrite Starfleet regulations! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 26, 2007, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608 "2007-05-26T15:01:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![athelas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@athelas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/athelas)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/101 "2007-05-31T13:30:56Z")
[QUOTE=MacTech] It’s tactically foolish to put the Bridge on the _TOP_ of the ship, at the highest point of the Saucer Section, where it is easily targeted by even the dumbest foes (Pakleds?). thanks to high speed optical relays and large screen displays, the Bridge can be located _anywhere_ in the ship, there is no tactical need to put the Bridge at the topmost point of the ship, it’s not like you need a “windshield” to look out of Utopia Planitia shipyards will be issued a standing order to put the Bridge in a different location on each starship , it could be deep in the secondary hull of the ship, it could be near one of the nacelle pylons, it could be _anywhere_, take a page from your most intractable foe, the Borg, and _decentralize_ your Bridge locations since the Bridge could be _anywhere_ in the ship, enemies will no longer have a common targeting point on Federation starships [/QUOTE] See, there could be one (heh) logical explanation for that, which is as follows. Star Trek space battles use incredible amounts of energy, and basically, if your shields are down, it doesn’t matter where your bridge is, you’re pretty screwed, because the next phaser blast will tear your entire ship apart. This explanation, however, fails because they explicitly show (especially in _Enterprise_ and _Voyager_) ships being taken apart bit by bit. Oh well. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/102 "2007-05-31T13:44:16Z")
[QUOTE=athelas] See, there could be one (heh) logical explanation for that, which is as follows. Star Trek space battles use incredible amounts of energy, and basically, if your shields are down, it doesn’t matter where your bridge is, you’re pretty screwed, because the next phaser blast will tear your entire ship apart. This explanation, however, fails because they explicitly show (especially in _Enterprise_ and _Voyager_) ships being taken apart bit by bit. Oh well. [/QUOTE] Substitute “photon torpedo” for “phaser” and and I think you have a winner–unless your ship if is of the Defiant class. ST-VI made it pretty clear that, once the shields are down, your enemy can obliterate you at will in such short order that the location of the bridge is irrelevant. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/103 "2007-05-31T13:58:44Z")
I also vaguely remember in one of the ST technical manuals a passing reference to the “fact” that the deflector shields are projected in such a way that the bridge, being centered on the top of the primary hull of _Constitution_- and _Galaxy_-class ships, is even better protected there as a “focal point” of the shields than if it were located elsewhere aboard the ship. ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/104 "2007-05-31T14:07:24Z")
7 of 9 to be made available to anyone. At any time For whatever purpose 😃 All other rules and regs are ignored following wild Bacchanalian orgies and piss ups ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/105 "2007-05-31T14:30:26Z")
The Blue Ribbon Commission will study Joss Whedon’s _Firefly_ and formulate guidelines in order to implement a major paradigm shift in the Starfleet Culture. (If this had been done at the beginning, no end of trouble could have been avoided. Well–there’d still have been trouble. But it would been more interesting.) “Mirror, Mirrow: A Parody” is Roxane Longstreet Conran’s contribution to [\*Finding Serenity: Anti-Heroes, Lost Shepherds and Space Hookers in Joss Whedon’s Firefly. \*](http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Serenity-Anti-Heroes-Shepherds-Hookers/dp/1932100431/ref=sr_1_1/104-6060729-8091140?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1180620763&sr=8-1) Apparently, it was inspired by the prospect of filing the DVD’s of _Enterprise_\* next to\* Firefly\*. > [@](#): > > - You know, the one they _don’t_ call _Star Trek: Enterprise_. I can’t figure if they’re trying to disassociate the show from the franchise, or if Gene Roddenberry’s estate filed a restraining order to keep the whole thing at least fifty feet away from even such Xeroxed but relatively successful attempts as _ST: Voyager_ and _ST: DS-9_. Sign in to Amazon & use the “Search inside this book” option. Pages 169 through 171 will give you the idea… (The book is uneven, but I found it worth buying. For this essay alone.) ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/106 "2007-05-31T15:47:56Z")
[QUOTE=chowder] 7 of 9 to be made available to anyone. At any time For whatever purpose [/QUOTE] Paint my house. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/107 "2007-05-31T15:49:53Z")
[QUOTE=Bridget Burke] The Blue Ribbon Commission will study Joss Whedon’s _Firefly_ and formulate guidelines in order to implement a major paradigm shift in the Starfleet Culture. [/QUOTE] They are the Maquis. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/108 "2007-05-31T16:51:34Z")
[QUOTE=carnivorousplant] They are the Maquis. [/QUOTE] So, Chakotay was Mal? Sorry—ain’t buying _that_. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/109 "2007-05-31T17:59:47Z")
[QUOTE=Ranchoth] So, Chakotay was Mal? [/QUOTE] No, but they may have gone to the same bars. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/110 "2007-05-31T19:06:56Z")
[QUOTE=carnivorousplant] No, but they may have gone to the same bars. [/QUOTE] Do you think Chakotay can tell Fanty and Mingo apart? ---
**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/111 "2007-05-31T19:22:13Z")
1. Officers from other planets (who have bashed-in skull structures) shall be required to have plastic surgery (to the point where their skulls resemble normal humans). 2. female officers shall be required to wear 1970’s-style revealing uniforms 3. all electrical damage (shorted cables, arcing power busses) SHALL be handled by the science offifer (by poking around with a screwdriver) 4. burials in space shall be done by the transporter-all corpses will be trnasported to the surface of local stars (cremation) 5. travel to earth-like planets (where people wear the fashions of 1930’s-era Chicago, and subscribe to the "Mob’ code of conduct) will be greatly encourages ---
**Author:** ![athelas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@athelas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/athelas)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/112 "2007-05-31T19:28:46Z")
Ugly aliens are to be treated with caution. Extremely beautiful alien women are to be spaced immediately (after measurements are taken for holodeck use), as thay lead to nothing but trouble. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/113 "2007-05-31T19:37:36Z")
[QUOTE=Elendil’s Heir] Do you think Chakotay can tell Fanty and Mingo apart? [/QUOTE] If he’s prepared. ---
**Author:** ![Sweetums](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Sweetums](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sweetums)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/114 "2007-05-31T21:05:12Z")
[QUOTE=carnivorousplant] No, but they may have gone to the same bars. [/QUOTE] ``` Do you honestly think any of the bars Mal goes to would let a twerp like Chakotay in? ``` ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/115 "2007-05-31T21:19:27Z")
[QUOTE=Sweetums] Do you honestly think any of the bars Mal goes to would let a twerp like Chakotay in? [/QUOTE] Not to mention– **Jayne** goes to those bars, too. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/116 "2007-05-31T21:25:26Z")
[QUOTE=Sweetums] Do you honestly think any of the bars Mal goes to would let a twerp like Chakotay in? [/QUOTE] Sure, he’s pretty ugly. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2007, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/117 "2007-05-31T21:55:33Z")
No time travel will be allowed without Starfleet HQ’s authorization. The paradox risks are too great. This rule will be waived only in Federation-threatening emergencies (as in _ST: First Contact.)_ ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2007, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/118 "2007-06-01T13:47:41Z")
The goofy emergency-control joystick (shown in _Star Trek: Insurrection_) will be immediately removed from the Bridge of the _Enterprise_-E and all other _Sovereign_-class starships. All viewscreens will have a three-nanosecond delay and automatic dimming so that explosions outside the ship won’t blind the Bridge crew. ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2007, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/119 "2007-06-01T15:27:58Z")
[QUOTE=carnivorousplant] Paint my house. [/QUOTE] Really? oh well it takes all sorts I guess ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2007, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608/120 "2007-06-01T16:03:00Z")
[QUOTE=chowder] Really? oh well it takes all sorts I guess [/QUOTE] Are your ears pointed, son? 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rewrite-starfleet-regulations/405608.md?page=7)