# RFables: Wooden warrior--what weapon to destroy them? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 16, 2013, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087 "2013-11-16T23:56:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2013, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/1 "2013-11-16T23:56:29Z")
I’ve been reading the _Fables_ Graphic Novels, from Vertigo, & I love them! Charmed the socks off me. **But, a question:** The Adversary has carved Wooden Warriors of Oak, and animated them with magic. Think Wooden Terminators. **What Mundy/RL weapon could be best effective against animated figures of hardwood?** Most small arms are useless, except shotgun slugs to the head, & not always\* that\*. Fire will eventually kill them, but until then, they are animated human torches, & all the more destructive. Even explosives are less effective than you’d think, as Wood is both tough & resilient. Infantry weapons preferred. ---
**Author:** ![smiling\_bandit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@smiling\_bandit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smiling_bandit)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/2 "2013-11-17T00:20:55Z")
Well, unfortunately you’re dealing with magically animated creatures and that’s always a pain… mostly because they’re largely insensitive to it. That makes the most effective weapons against anything normally alive rather useless. Personally, I think that’s pretty well cheating. However, if they played fair they wouldn’t be villains, so I always recommend keeping a wide assortment of destructive implements at hand when trying to save the world. Up first for consideration is the Elephant Gun. Usually a sizable caliber, these rifles are built to stop a charging Elephant or Rhino in its tracks, and guaranteed to shatter wood when it hits. Alternative, a .50 Browning machine gun offers similar firepower in an automatic package, provided you can cart around the ammunition and actually carry the sucker. Want to make an impression? Say it with sabots! Supposing you prefer more close-range option, go with the shotgun. Oh, not them prissy little things people use on deer, no. I’m talking about a low-gauge shotgun, something along the lines of a punt gun, perhaps using multiple-barrels. I guarantee nothing this side of earthly will survive a hit from that, but you’re gonna need to brace yourself very well to fire it, unless you enjoy having your shoulder removed without anesthetic. Failing that, an automatic shotgun can fire several slugs (go with slugs, not shells) and clear out a room quickly. Now we get into the really fun toys: light explosives! Grenades and grenade launchers are the way to really sell yourself as a badass monster-killing machine. Now, your average frag grenade might not be enough to do the job, so here we might want to follow in the Hollywood example and use a high-explosive device instead. Frag is best for soft targets, but there are pretty tough, so HE will throw them around and break limbs\* like kindling\*\*. This might not stop them entirely, but follow up with a White Phosphorous and enjoy the barbecue. They’ll be too broke to escape and you can optionally use any cedar-based monsters to grill steaks in the aftermath. Now, while it’s true these are all handy options, now and then you may be getting into closer range, which is why I recommend keeping a more normal shotgun, sawed-off, ready at hand to blast off any nearby limbs. Sure- it’s magically-animate oak. Tough stuff. But knees and other joints are the loveliest things to rend! And even the worst terminator-wannabe is usually a lot less intimidating once it’s reduced to sprawling on the ground and hoping you come within nomming range. \*Pun intended! \*\*Ditto! ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/3 "2013-11-17T00:33:00Z")
If the wood isn’t sealed, water would cause them to swell up, which would limit their mobility. Similarly, you could hit them with a very light oil which would also soak in, making them softer. Then again, a flamethrower would probably be your best bet. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/4 "2013-11-17T01:08:35Z")
Axes? ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/5 "2013-11-17T01:09:57Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > Then again, a flamethrower would probably be your best bet. Now they are still attacking you, **and** **on fire**. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/6 "2013-11-17T01:25:46Z")
A couple of questions first:[ul][li]Are their limbs jointed like puppets or does the wood somehow magically bend at the joints? If the former, the joints would be obvious weak points.[_]If they’re homogeneous pieces of wood, do wounds “kill” them (like say chopping the head off) or do you have to more or less break them to pieces to stop them?[_]How strong are they? If they’re as strong as the material limit of their limbs, they’re going to be dire foes.[/ul][/li] Pre-industrial, you’re going to want a good ax, or at a minimum a heavy broadsword. If it’s an infantry formation situation halberds and other poleaxe weapons would do. If industrial tech is available, I’d second heavy shotguns and large caliber rifles, with explosives if you’re talking about taking out masses of them. Sadly, chainsaws would _not_ work- too slow. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/7 "2013-11-17T01:34:22Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > Now they are still attacking you, **and** **on fire**. > :eek: So lay down some grease first, and they’re lying down, flailing around, and on fire. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/8 "2013-11-17T03:01:01Z")
An incendiary weapon, mounted on a fast vehicle. Light them on fire when they’re ten miles from your camp, then retreat. Even if they don’t burn instantly, they’re going to burn before they reach you. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/9 "2013-11-17T04:21:43Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > Now they are still attacking you, **and** **on fire**. > :eek: What _kind_ of fire are you using? Or, rather, what are you using as fuel (besides the Tree Golems)? A little slapdash Googleing indicates that gasoline, for example, burns at about 500°F—while [napalm](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pRihxvk4YY) burns at something like two _thousand_ degrees. And burns for ten minutes, and is [sticky](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppXf9eD3PYA&t=1m41s). And is difficult to extinguish with water. :eek: Perhaps you might try something more exotic, too—like [Chlorine Trifluoride](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chlorine_trifluoride)? Or even some [high-test peroxide](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High_test_peroxide)? (Warning: These may be…_slightly_ more dangerous than using fire against Tree Golems.) And I’ll second the query on how their “joints” work, and if merely “wounding” them will kill them. With the added question of if they can be blinded/deafened, and if their limbs, if severed, remain animate. For science. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/10 "2013-11-17T04:34:15Z")
Elmer’s Glue and a biiiiig hair dryer. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/11 "2013-11-17T05:39:02Z")
[quote=“Lumpy, post:6, topic:674087”] A couple of questions first:[ul][li]Are their limbs jointed like puppets or does the wood somehow magically bend at the joints? If the former, the joints would be obvious weak points.[_]If they’re homogeneous pieces of wood, do wounds “kill” them (like say chopping the head off) or do you have to more or less break them to pieces to stop them?[_]How strong are they? If they’re as strong as the material limit of their limbs, they’re going to be dire foes.[/ul][/li][/QUOTE] From my recollection: 1. They have joints like puppets. Just like Pinocchio, in fact (before his “real boy” phase). 2. Cutting one’s head off doesn’t kill it. The comics show that the severed head is perfectly capable of having a conversation, for instance. 3. They’re certainly stronger than humans, at any rate. That doesn’t necessarily make much difference if they’re shooting guns at you, though. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/12 "2013-11-17T06:42:13Z")
A .50 caliber machine gun; those things can cut trees in half, so it should do the same to these guys. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/13 "2013-11-17T11:53:23Z")
> [@Lumpy](#): > > A couple of questions first:[ul][li]Are their limbs jointed like puppets or does the wood somehow magically bend at the joints? If the former, the joints would be obvious weak points.[_]If they’re homogeneous pieces of wood, do wounds “kill” them (like say chopping the head off) or do you have to more or less break them to pieces to stop them?[_]How strong are they? If they’re as strong as the material limit of their limbs, they’re going to be dire foes.[/ul][/li] > Pre-industrial, you’re going to want a good ax, or at a minimum a heavy broadsword. If it’s an infantry formation situation halberds and other poleaxe weapons would do. > > If industrial tech is available, I’d second heavy shotguns and large caliber rifles, with explosives if you’re talking about taking out masses of them. Sadly, chainsaws would _not_ work- too slow. Jointed, with tough steel, except at the major joints, where wood ball joints 9carved) exist. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/14 "2013-11-17T11:55:17Z")
BTW–“wounding” does _nothing._ And if a limb or head comes off, the fallen can be salvaged for parts _during the fight!_:eek: ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/15 "2013-11-17T12:38:40Z")
Are these seasoned campaigners or just a splinter group? Do their leaders bark out orders, or does that go against the grain? Are they well-drilled or do they just lumber about? (If edged weapons won’t stop them, wordplay might: the pun is mightier than the sword.) ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/16 "2013-11-17T14:00:33Z")
How about some [FOOF](http://pipeline.corante.com/archives/2010/02/23/things_i_wont_work_with_dioxygen_difluoride.php)? ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/17 "2013-11-17T15:58:49Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > What _kind_ of fire are you using? In the comic? Dragon fire. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/18 "2013-11-17T21:31:40Z")
There’s a prototype microwave crowd-dispersal weapon that might cause the metal to heat up enough to burn loose from the sockets. It wouldn’t affect the ball joints at the major joints, but without a spine, the thing’s not going anywhere fast. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/19 "2013-11-17T21:48:25Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > How about some [FOOF](http://pipeline.corante.com/archives/2010/02/23/things_i_wont_work_with_dioxygen_difluoride.php)? It would get the job done, but it’s on a par with beating rats to death with a rattlesnake. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Battle\_Pope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@Battle\_Pope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Battle_Pope)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087/20 "2013-11-17T23:21:41Z")
[Milkor MGL](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milkor_MGL) Six-shot 40mm grenade launcher. > [@](#): > > The MGL is a multiple-shot weapon, intended to significantly increase a small squad’s firepower when compared to traditional single-shot grenade launchers like the M203. The MGL is designed to be simple, rugged, and reliable. It uses the well-proven revolver principle to achieve a high rate of accurate fire which can be rapidly brought to bear on a target. A variety of rounds such as HE, HEAT, anti-riot baton, irritant, and pyrotechnic can be loaded and fired as fast as the trigger can be pulled; the cylinder can be loaded or unloaded rapidly to maintain a high rate of fire. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rfables-wooden-warrior-what-weapon-to-destroy-them/674087.md?page=2)