I couldn’t really find the best way to express what I think about this. I think wanting to make money on your own is admirable, but I think the circumstances indicate that this is not the time for that. On the other hand, I think Dave is pretty much following social custom so that Dan won’t resent him later on. Neither of them actually expect the money to be paid back. He wants Don to pretend to accept it.
As for not taking the job, that’s where I think the guy was actually stupid. A position in the guy’s firm is fine, as you are still working for your money. Sure, you can plan to not stay there and move to a field where you are actually good, but to outright refuse due to not wanting “charity” is stupid. It’s not charity to allow someone to earn their own living.
The poor guy should take the money and insist that he will pay it back. The rich guy should accept that and let the poor guy maintain some self respect. However, he should insist that the poor guy make no attempt to pay it back until he is “back on his feet.”
“Admirable” because it’s all too easy to turn to a well off friend every time you want something you can’t have. But Dave sees Don as a friend and doesn’t want to take advantage of that friendship or use Don for his money.
But “nuts” because now his family is in trouble and you need to swallow your pride for that. Also, friends help friends in trouble. I imagine that over the years Dave has helped Don many times in many ways (and vice versa). It’s just that this time the help involves money, and people get weird about that.
So my recommendation is that Don give Dave another offer. This time Don writes two checks. The first is for Ann’s medical care. That is not a loan and does not get paid back. That is a gift to his god daughter. The second check is for Dave and Jenny and can be structured as a loan with very favorable terms. Dave should pretend to take payments while putting the money in a trust and/or offer very flexible payments, e.g., Dave helps Don stain his deck and Don’s says he’ll deduct from the loan what he would have had to pay to have it done.
Don also needs to explain to Dave that helping friends in trouble makes him feel good. Denying his help means Dave is denying Don a chance to do something he really wants to that would mean a lot to him.
Don should get to say when he thinks Dave and family are really back on their feet, and then invoke the start of the repayment period. And, he should get to write a clause that the repayment will go into a college fund for Ann, as she is, after all, his goddaughter. That way Dave will both be paying back the loan and making sure that his daughter’s future is being provided for.
Don should modify his offer, taking his friends pride into account. I suggest that he instead offers to pay only for Anns medical bills. Dave can’t argue that this is charity, because Don is Anns godfather, and therefore has a right to bestow gifts upon her, and to take an interest in her well-being. When they made him godfather, they made him family to Ann, if not to themselves. This is no different than accepting a contribution to a college fund, which I assume Dave would never consider refusing.
Then, he should offer a small gift/loan to Jenny, small enough that it won’t cause strain in the marriage. Enough to allow her to apply for jobs or otherwise get back on her feet, but not the whole year he offered previously. Maybe eight weeks? Small enough that it is realistic for them to be able to pay it back, now that the medical expenses are taken care of.
I voted admirable, proud in a good way, and the I hoped Don takes him up on his offer.
Every person is responsible for themselves. Don is not obligated to give Dave anything, and should understand that Dave wants to not incur an obligation to him. The only way he can reconcile his great need with his honour is to pledge to repay the loan.
I speak as someone who is proud of her own self-sufficiency. I work very hard and do without so I can live the life I want on my terms, asking for nothing from anyone. God help me if I ever get to the point where I can’t do it all for myself.
This is sort of like the plot of Breaking Bad. The main guy has a very rich friend who happily agreed to help out when the main guy got diagnosed with cancer. But he declined and decided to make and sell meth instead.
I always figured, what’s the point of becoming rich if you can’t use the money to help people you care about? Dave should realize that people care about him for reasons other than his ability to make money, and should accept aid from his friend to help himself and his family.
Dave’s a complete idiot and he’s an idiot for three reasons.
He refused the offer of a job, when he needed a job. So what that it wasn’t in his field. Not only is he too proud to accept a job that he deems to be “charity” but he also seems to be too proud to learn a new skill set which would make him good at this new job being handed to him.
2)There’s nothing magical about a contract. The contract does absolutely zip by itself. Either Dave is going to pay it back or he won’t. If he does pay it back…great! If he doesn’t, the only thing a contract does is give Don the right to sue his best friend to get that money back. Great Dave. Nice position to put your friend in when he was only trying to help you.
Dave’s daughter is sick and needs help that Don can provide. You suck up your pride and you accept that money because it’s really not about you at that point.
I have a hard time accepting help when it’s going to put the helper at a disadvantage. But it seems to me that Don’s help will come at a negligible cost to Don. So no one is losing in this scenario, and three people stand to gain immensely.
I can understand a bit of reluctance in Dave’s position. I’m sure that a person like Dave would worry about relying on a wealthy friend like a crutch, and no one wants to feel like they need someone else in order to survive. A person like Dave wouldn’t want to feel like his family’s fate lies in the hands of someone’s generosity.
But here, that attitude needs to be checked quickly by the reality of the situation. A chance to right his daughter’s life should come long before any other consideration, and it’s not like this is some sort of devil’s deal being offered. EVERYONE (Dave, Don and the wives, and most importantly, the daughter) will be happier if Dave’s family is in a better place.
I don’t see how Don can force the money on Dave, but I think Don needs to sit Dave down and talk about what’s important to all of them, how much their friendship means to one another, and why making this a “loan” doesn’t make much sense. If I’m Don, I might remind Dave how little I need the money back, and that if he wants to repay, that he ought to make those payments to a charity that supports treatment of his daughter’s illness, or to some charity of my choosing, if he insists.
It seems to me that there’s always the chance that Dave will make it big himself eventually, or at least make it big enough that repaying the loan won’t be a problem. And Dave, for his own personal reasons, needs to believe that, hence the offer of considering it as a loan. If it turns out that he’s never able to pay it back, then it’s effectively turned into a gift, just like Don originally intended.
Meanwhile, Don probably would (I hesitate to say “should”, since it’s his money and his decision, but it’s certainly appropriate for him to do so) give Dave terms that are on the favorable end of the range of “normal interest rates”, and put it into the will that the debt dies with him.
Well, since Don’s filthy rich, I’d rather he bought a whole life policy on himself with a single-pay premium and then apply Dave’s payments as paid-up additions, thus increasing the policy’s value. He can name the kid as the primary beneficiary and the mother as secondary (and trustee for the child). That’d assure the family of some support in the event of Don’s death. (He’d have instructed Dave to send debt payments to his accountant or business manager, and instructed the latter not to dun Dave if he falls behind.)
ETA: Seeing Skald’s response to Chronos, I’d say he can just specify enough money in his will to go to Dave or his estate to pay off any remaining debt plus some more in case of future needs.
The issue for me now is if I accept such a favor, will it change the relationship? Will I feel beholden? Will I still be able to speak my mind around that person.
I’m not sure where that option goes in the poll, but for the sake of the family, Dave just take the money.
These pretty much nail it. If I were in such dire straights needing a job and money to support my family I’d take it, fuck my pride. I’d take the job, and in gratitude, I’d work hard to be damned good at it. If Don was offering money with no true expectation of repayment I’d take that too.