# Ridiculously absurd impossible things you wish you could do. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 14, 2001, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934 "2001-04-14T08:13:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Mercutio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/51bf81/32.png) [@Mercutio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mercutio)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/41 "2001-04-16T06:21:04Z")
Male Multiple Orgasm. Can I get an _Amen_? ---
**Author:** ![TheNerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@TheNerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheNerd)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/42 "2001-04-16T14:34:26Z")
You know what would be really cool? If I had a _ **robotic arm** _ that, uh, [shot doughnuts](http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2001-02-16). Seriously, telekinesis is the one that I dream about most often. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/43 "2001-04-16T15:28:54Z")
Second on **Tengu** ’s native capability for every human language. It’s fun just picking up enough so you can accost people you hear speaking languages you know. Albanians love it! I would also like to be able to read minds at will. Not like being able to hear anything and everything all at once - that’s a sure recipe for insanity if I ever heard one - but to be able to see someone and read their thoughts if I wanted to. Much fun if you’re in the elevator with one other person. ---
**Author:** ![Ross](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@Ross](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ross)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/44 "2001-04-16T15:52:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sacrilegium \* > **When I saw your post, I looked up the tv schedule for “New Twilight Zone” and saw that it comes on next month. I’ll finally get to see this again.** I should state that the episode in question is actually a fairly stinky rendition of a truly potent fantasy. Not to spoil it for anyone, but the edge-of-seat ending could easily be solved with a good set of ladders. Maybe a helicopter and a couple of spanners. And a degree in Nuclear Physics. Depends how far you want to go. But heck, she’s got forever, right? I hope the story cited by others is a bit more respectful. ---
**Author:** ![soulmurk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b782af/32.png) [@soulmurk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulmurk)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/45 "2001-04-16T16:30:24Z")
I’d like to have the innate and completely uncontrolled ability to alter probability. Within a 100’ radius of my body, probabilities are reversed. If the chances of something happening are virtually nil, when I walk by it happens. On the other side, the common cause and effects taken for granted just don’t happen when I am near. Barring that, I’d like to have a final score of 0 in a game of hearts. Managed to accomplish shooting the moon on a hold hand, but that goose egg is elusive. ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/46 "2001-04-16T20:32:51Z")
It would SO ROCK to be able to eat anything I wanted, not work out, and still not gain weight! Bring on that Swanson Hungry Man Fried Chicken Dinner!! ---
**Author:** ![Davidbw1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7993a0/32.png) [@Davidbw1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davidbw1)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/47 "2001-04-16T21:42:48Z")
Well, since this is a wish…then i suppose I should wish for complete controll over all matter, time all that other stuff in the universe. (Like Q from star trek) ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/48 "2001-04-16T21:48:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by soulmurk \* > Barring that, I’d like to have a final score of 0 in a game of hearts. Managed to accomplish shooting the moon on a hold hand, but that goose egg is elusive. \*\* If you’re talking about in person, that’d be cool. But on my computer, I’ve done it a couple of times. Once with 4 shoot the moons in a row. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2001, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/49 "2001-04-16T23:37:02Z")
For some reason, I’ve always wanted to be able to know random statistics about anything. e.g. “how many people in the history of the world have uttered the phrase ‘yak-flavored’?”, “how many people are having sex right this instant?”, “how many people have stood on this exact spot?”, etc. I also would like to be able to go back and relive parts of my life with the knowledge I have now, just to see what would have happened. I still want to be able to come back to this present. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/50 "2001-04-17T01:13:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Creaky \* > **It would SO ROCK to be able to eat anything I wanted, not work out, and still not gain weight!** That’s neither ridiculous, absurd, nor impossible. He said smugly. ---
**Author:** ![racinchikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@racinchikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racinchikki)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/51 "2001-04-17T01:39:12Z")
Fly. Teleport. The ability to have sex with a person without actually being in physical contact with him. Not like phone sex, I mean like actual intercourse, you both feel as if the other person’s there doing stuff, but you’re say 1400 miles apart. That would be nice. Of course if I could teleport I wouldn’t need that, would I? Selective telepathy. Energy absorption, redirection and conversion using my mind. (In between kinetic, potential, thermal, etc.) Be really useful in the event of a race crash if I could absorb and redirect the force of impact to dissipate it into something comparatively harmless. ---
**Author:** ![Azazel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/838e76/32.png) [@Azazel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azazel)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/52 "2001-04-17T01:50:09Z")
I’ve always wanted to be a “Truthsayer”, like the Bene Gesserit in Dune. Also, “Voice” would be really useful. ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/53 "2001-04-17T02:03:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by GuanoLad \* > That’s neither ridiculous, absurd, nor impossible. He said smugly. > \*\* My kingdom for your metabolism, baby!! ---
**Author:** ![Gunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4491bb/32.png) [@Gunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gunslinger)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/54 "2001-04-17T03:27:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by racinchikki \* > \*\* > The ability to have sex with a person without actually being in physical contact with him. Not like phone sex, I mean like actual intercourse, you both feel as if the other person’s there doing stuff, but you’re say 1400 miles apart. \*\* Um, yeah, I want that too…😉 ---
**Author:** ![ladybug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@ladybug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladybug)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/55 "2001-04-17T13:18:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Suo Na \* > **I wish I could teleport.** Same here. Every day I have to walk to and from the law school with about half a ton of books. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told my friends that I have to learn to teleport. I’d like to be able to fly, too. ---
**Author:** ![Ross](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@Ross](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ross)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/56 "2001-04-17T13:26:35Z")
In that case I wish I had the ability to step out of my life and let an exact duplicate do all the work, after which I’d return to my body and reap the benefits, as well as incoporate all the experience and stuff into my own mind. Using this method one could coast quite easily to the end of law school/seminary/a prison sentence. I also want a grenade launcher. Some have really useless supernatural abilities. I believe it was Steven Wright who complained that he could levitate birds, but that nobody cared. ---
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/57 "2001-04-17T16:07:37Z")
Whenever I walk up to an elevator, I want it to be on my floor. Every single time. I would also like the ability to know the fillings of donuts. I love creme filling, but I hate custard. This causes me no end of grief. ---
**Author:** ![Ross](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@Ross](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ross)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/58 "2001-04-17T22:25:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Monster104 \* > **I wish I could ejaculate at will** Who’s Will? :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D ---
**Author:** ![JimmyNipples](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/eb9ed0/32.png) [@JimmyNipples](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimmyNipples)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2001, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/59 "2001-04-18T00:28:05Z")
I’d like to vomit gold coins, fart perfume and freeze time. Undress people, put them in compromising positions. Beat the shit out of certain people (one particular manager) and put him in his original position behind his desk. Go to the mall, change people’s clothes. Big burly logger in a dainty sun dress and so on. ---
**Author:** ![Tiburon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e36b37/32.png) [@Tiburon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiburon)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2001, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934/60 "2001-04-18T01:01:04Z")
1. I wish I didn’t have to pay bills. I limit myself by saying that I have to live in a home within my means and have the POTENTIAL to pay my basic living bills - but I don’t have to pay them and so I can spend my income on anything I want. Like trips, etc. 2. I wish that tomorrow, I could meet the woman (or A woman) who I will spend the rest of my life with. Actually, that’s first - I wouldn’t mind having some debt and all that jazz if I was madly in love and she was madly in love with me. Tibs. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ridiculously-absurd-impossible-things-you-wish-you-could-do/61934.md?page=4)