### Author:  [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/21 "2010-07-04T18:42:29Z")
> [@jayjay](#):
>
> And it doesn’t mean that expressing sneering contempt for someone who is honest about their nonmonogamy to a potential partner is acceptable or polite.
I am not expressing sneering contempt. Not in the least. I’m just not giving the O.P. any sympathy.
And, he _needs_ me not to.
Consider this:
> [@AHunter3](#):
>
> Herself: I do serial monogamy, OK? For as long as this lasts, I’m yours & you’re mine, OK?
>
> _\_
>
> Realizing that I was actively reacting to outside possibilities was one factor in deciding to say my goodbyes.
The guy enters every relationship, and possibly every friendship, with one foot outside the door.
He obviously knows that, but he just doesn’t want to deal with it. **AHunter3** is the type of person that will NOT do what the other person wants, regardless of how much he loves her. It’s selfish and cowardly. I think he knows that, and I think that’s why he posted this hairshirt of a thread.
---
### Author:  [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/22 "2010-07-04T20:29:54Z")
> [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](#):
>
> Re-reading the paragraph that starts with “It wasn’t. Working, I mean.” I don’t think the breakup had all that much to do with being a polyamorousist. Sometimes relationships just end, ya’know?
I would have to agree with this, myself. I’m not saying the monogamy/polyamory thing is a complete red herring, but mostly it’s just the story of a relationship that outlived its magic and died of emotional neglect. The things that went wrong could certainly have gone wrong in a more typical monogamous/monogamous relationship, and the mono-poly mismatch is not what killed this one.
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### Author:  [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2010, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/23 "2010-07-04T21:07:39Z")
> [@AHunter3](#):
>
> and the mono-poly mismatch is not what killed this one.
Are you sure about that? The first things you have her saying in your O.P. are “I love you” and “I’m yours and you’re mine, O.K.” And then you spend paragraphs describing how you are “polyamourous” and hinting for sympathy. You can keep your overwrought poetry about the pond growing shallower and shallower, because we both know where the shalowness lies.
> [@AHunter3](#):
>
> I think in retrospect I am going to always view it as my experiment with orthodox monogamy.
“Polyamorous” isn’t a red herring if you are using it as an excuse.
> [@AHunter3](#):
>
> I don’t think I brought her much joy.
I bet not
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### Author:  [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2010, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/24 "2010-07-04T21:46:18Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#):
>
> we both know where the shalowness lies
You so don’t want to go there.
You have not as of yet established that you have the faintest notion of how to make or maintain an emotional connection with anyone of your own species, nor shown any indication of possessing the ability to construct or derive a belief system about anything that matters, whithersoever or whatsoever, as opposed to being able to take a prepackaged set of ideas off the shelf and claim them as Received Truth.
I am somewhat vulnerable to being hurt by the opinions of me & my behavior held by those whom I love. I am unusually uninclined to give a shit about the opinions of much of anyone else on any aspect of self or behavior, and for a nontrivial percentage of people whose paths cross there’s actually a negative-reinforcement trajectory, as in “If **A Monkey With a Gun** disapproves of me and is critical of my behavior, that’s a reassuring sign that I’m probably doing the right thing”.
I cannot be counted among the fans of monogamy, but I suppose at least in the hypothetical one could postulate a person whose redeeming characteristics are of sufficiently compelling quality that one could reference that person as an intrinsic justification for monogamy, as in “if you could be with this person how could you ever conceive of wanting to be with anyone else?”
I have no illusions that I am such an entity. You, sir, in my humble and limited opinion, could be said to furnish an excellent example of the inverted example.
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### Author:  [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2010, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/25 "2010-07-04T21:55:55Z")
> [@AHunter3](#):
>
> You have not as of yet established that you have the faintest notion of how to make or maintain an emotional connection with anyone of your own species
My qualities in that area have not been addressed in this thread. I have no need to establish anything. It’s your thread, buddy, not mine.
I’ll leave you here with the agreement that we do not respect one another.
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### Author:  [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2010, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/26 "2010-07-04T22:17:49Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#):
>
> we both know where the shalowness lies.
No sneering here. Nosiree…
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### Author:  [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2010, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/27 "2010-07-04T23:21:42Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#):
>
> I’ll leave you here with the agreement that we do not respect one another.
Mutually agreed.
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### Author:  [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2010, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/28 "2010-07-04T23:33:04Z")
Count me as someone else who isn’t understanding where the accusations of poly-hate are coming in.
I only know two poly people so it doesn’t count for much, but I don’t think they’d ever enter into a relationship with someone who said they were a serial monogamist. To me that’s like saying “Hi, I can’t give you what you want.” “Oh yeah? Me neither. I’m not someone who wants what you do in a relationship.” and then those two people trying to build a relationship. For me it just does not compute.
Now, that’s just me. The good thing is that we can all make our own choices and the OP and his ex-SO made and are now living with theirs. Do I feel sorry for him? No, not really. Then again, I don’t feel sorry for her either. She knew his attitude on relationships when they started.
To me it would be like me deciding I wanted to be a manager at a Chuck E Cheese. I don’t really like being around kids so choosing to enter into a situation where I’m going to be around them for hours on end would be lunacy. If I quit my job and expected sympathy I’m thinking my friends and family would have a hearty laugh. As they should.
But make no mistake, I’m not here to laugh at or poke the OP. Someone in pain is someone in pain. I just hope that in the future he makes choices that are more in line with what he says he wants.
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### Author:  [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/29 "2010-07-05T03:52:28Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#):
>
> Now, that’s just me. The good thing is that we can all make our own choices and the OP and his ex-SO made and are now living with theirs. Do I feel sorry for him? No, not really. Then again, I don’t feel sorry for her either. She knew his attitude on relationships when they started.
I do think that, as an adult, she made her own choices. However, I don’t think too highly of anyone who is “poly” who uses someone who is clearly so emotionally invested.
In other words, the monogamous half earns some sympathy if only because their emotional needs clouded their better judgement. The polyamorous half earns my contempt, not because they are poly but because they are a user who showed no consideration for the other half’s emotional well-being.
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### Author:  [@Rala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rala)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/30 "2010-07-05T04:15:54Z")
> [@Lobot](#):
>
> I do think that, as an adult, she made her own choices. However, I don’t think too highly of anyone who is “poly” who uses someone who is clearly so emotionally invested.
>
> In other words, the monogamous half earns some sympathy if only because their emotional needs clouded their better judgement. The polyamorous half earns my contempt, not because they are poly but because they are a user who showed no consideration for the other half’s emotional well-being.
Where are you getting this from? It can’t be the same OP that I read. He wasn’t using her. They loved each other and were together for twelve years. And … no consideration for her emotional well-being? Really?
> [@](#):
>
> I never promised exclusivity but I also could not hurt her, knowing what I knew about how she was wired, and so we were de facto monogamous. Realizing that I was actively reacting to outside possibilities was one factor in deciding to say my goodbyes. I didn’t want to become involved with another person (/s) AND THEN tell her, you know?
**A3Hunter** , I’m sorry for your loss, but based on your description I agree that you probably did the right thing. I wish you all the best for your future.
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### Author:  [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/31 "2010-07-05T04:26:36Z")
> [@Rala](#):
>
> Where are you getting this from? It can’t be the same OP that I read. He wasn’t using her. They loved each other and were together for twelve years. And … no consideration for her emotional well-being? Really?
We only got one side of the story, and you can read between the lines if you know what to look for.
Seriously, does the OP not read like the idealised bullshit rationalisations of someone who has no sense of the other person’s actual experience?
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### Author:  [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/32 "2010-07-05T04:43:06Z")
I wouldn’t worry about “Herself.” I imagine she’ll be in as pretty a position as can be in half a year – 'cause I just read the OP as another run of the mill male mid-life crisis. Take out the bits about “polyamory” or whatever it is, and it just sounds like yet another aging dude desperately fanning the embers of his libido and illusions of youth, throwing away a steady long-term partnership for the chance to be eighteen again.
I’d lay odds that he’ll go crawling back to her after six months, after his sagging buttocks and man-boobs pose kind of an obstacle to his fantasies. Or (alternatively, if he’s rich enough) when he gets lonely after he finds a couple of his bedmates filing their nails, checking their watches or just staring at the ceiling as he tries to share his feelings & connect on a non-purely-physical level.
A very old & rather banal tale. Good luck, pops.
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### Author:  [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/33 "2010-07-05T05:17:52Z")
Whoa…way to kick a guy when he’s down. I don’t think much of his complaints either (obviously they both should have known it was doomed from the start), but Jesus!
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### Author:  [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/34 "2010-07-05T05:34:05Z")
I don’t mean to sound all that harsh, but I’m just honestly confused about what there is to sympathize with here – it’s not like he has any “loss” that isn’t of his own making; and it’s not like he’s expressing any regret over the decision he made. Again, take out all the “polyamory” red herring and all you’ve got is another older guy who begins to suspect that maybe throwing away his marriage for a young piece of ass wasn’t such a hot idea after all. (and hey, I’m a 40-odd year old guy, and though I’m hitting the gym lately, I have no illusions of being in an A&F catalogue any time soon . . .)
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### Author:  [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/35 "2010-07-05T11:58:12Z")
I sympathise with a man who has lost a relationship which had value to him, and who now fears growing old alone.
I’m not convinced he ended the relationship on a whim, but even if he had, he’s still a human being who is lonely, scared, hurting, and not sure what the next step is.
You have my sympathies, **AHunter** , for the ending of a relationship which sounds like it has run it’s course, for the fears of aloneness which have kept more than one relationship from a timely end, and for the need of message board posters to cross-examine and nitpick, and blame the people posting about their problems for those problems.
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### Author:  [@MTCicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MTCicero)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/36 "2010-07-05T14:33:34Z")
> [@jayjay](#):
>
> Someone in threads like this is always willing to condemn all polyamorists or open relationship people as sluts and cheaters. As soon as I read the portion of the OP that mentioned polyamory I knew there would be a post like that.
Okay, then.
Tell me how, exactly, being “polyamorous” does not equate to being someone who likes to sleep around a lot.
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### Author:  [@MTCicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MTCicero)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/37 "2010-07-05T14:35:46Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#):
>
> I have to admit, I’m with **beowulff** on this one. It is hard for me to muster much sympathy for a guy that loses a relationship he never committed to in the first place.
>
> Relationships mean sacrifice and commitment. Some people in this thread seem to think relationships are just an arrangement of mutual convenience. Sure, “sharing a brief time with another human being” is fine and all, but polyamourism ensures it will be brief. The O.P. is going to end up dying alone by his own choice.
>
> Not much sympathy from me.
Seconded.
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### Author:  [@MTCicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MTCicero)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/38 "2010-07-05T14:42:19Z")
> [@Lobot](#):
>
> I do think that, as an adult, she made her own choices. However, I don’t think too highly of anyone who is “poly” who uses someone who is clearly so emotionally invested.
>
> In other words, the monogamous half earns some sympathy if only because their emotional needs clouded their better judgement. The polyamorous half earns my contempt, not because they are poly but because they are a user who showed no consideration for the other half’s emotional well-being.
Well said. Very.
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### Author:  [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/39 "2010-07-05T14:46:05Z")
> [@MTCicero](#):
>
> Okay, then.
>
> Tell me how, exactly, being “polyamorous” does not equate to being someone who likes to sleep around a lot.
Tell me how it matters to you if the people in the relationship agreed to it. I agree that this relationship was probably ill-founded…_reluctant approval_ (and one-sided openness) isn’t the ideal.
To answer your question, there’s nothing in a poly or open relationship that says one has to sleep around “a lot”. I have an open relationship with my partner and, frankly, the outside stuff we do is rare (in the last year, maybe 4 incidents). Most of it is done together, both of us, with (an)other person(s) when we do play outside the fence.
Just like morality =/= Christianity, promiscuity =/= nonmonogamy.
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### Author:  [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2010, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rip-relationship-1998-2010/545394/40 "2010-07-05T15:12:42Z")
> [@Eureka](#):
>
> I sympathise with a man who has lost a relationship which had value to him, and who now fears growing old alone.
I’d have a lot more sympathy if he had actually _lost_ the relationship, but he didn’t. He walked out of it under his own steam and of his own free will, after he let it, as he says, “die of emotional neglect.” Granted, he almost surely wasn’t the only one neglecting the relationship, but that doesn’t make him some kind of innocent victim who had this thrust upon him.
And, frankly, his part in the emotional neglect of the relationship says to me that it wasn’t important to him. At least, not important enough to put any effort into its care and feeding. So no, not a lot of sympathy here.
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