# Risqué jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 10, 2009, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025 "2009-11-10T10:13:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/21 "2009-11-16T08:27:42Z")
A black guy was minding his own business, sipping a beer in a bar. Then a drunken white man approached him and slurred, “Hey, ya know something–you’re black! Your head, your arms, your head—I’ll bet you’re black all over!” “Would you like to see a white spot on my body?” the bemused drinker asked. “I ssure would!” “Stick a radish in my but and bite it!” ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/22 "2009-11-16T08:56:49Z")
This the most tasteless joke I know. You have been warned. What do you say to a black jew? Get to the back of the oven. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/23 "2009-11-16T13:50:04Z")
I got no one to blame but myself for clicking that spoiler button, but man… that’s the three-faced god of Dis among tasteless jokes. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/24 "2009-11-16T14:20:42Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > This the most tasteless joke I know. You have been warned. > What do you say to a black jew? > > Get to the back of the oven. That’s not exactly risque, is it? ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/25 "2009-11-16T14:36:27Z")
Well ‘risqué’ is “verging on impropriety or indecency: off-color”, but that joke has left the verge well and truly behind. Does it take some of the sting out of it if I say that it was told to me by a black jew? ---
**Author:** ![ColdPhoenix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6bbea6/32.png) [@ColdPhoenix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ColdPhoenix)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/26 "2009-11-16T15:15:43Z")
What were you doing in an oven? ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/27 "2009-11-16T15:20:56Z")
Shooting an nightie-wearing elephant. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/28 "2009-11-16T15:36:59Z")
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. “I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.” Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit 'em out, you guys, they’re assholes!” ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/29 "2009-11-16T16:37:49Z")
A very old joke: First day of school and the teacher tells the class: “My name is Miss Prissy. I expect you all to remember and use my name when I speak to you.” On the way home, Johnny tells his friend: “Man, I’ll never remember that name. I’m gonna catch hell tomorrow.” His friend says: “Just think of ‘pussy’ and put an “r” in it.” Next morning, as they’re filing into the classroom, the teacher says: “Good morning, Johnny.” Johnny’s reply: “Mornin’ Miss Crunt!” ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/30 "2009-11-16T21:46:30Z")
Three little old ladies are waiting at a bus stop, when suddenly a man runs streaking down the street. The first little old lady had a stroke. The second little old lady had a stroke. The third little old lady would have had a stroke, but her arms were too short. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/31 "2009-11-16T22:25:42Z")
A very elderly woman totters into a police station and says “I’d like to speak to an officer, please”. She is assigned an officer, who says “Do you have something important to tell me, ma’am?” “Oh, yes sir, officer; I was walking down Maple Street, when a young man dashed out of the bushes, grabbed me, pulled me back in, ripped my underwear off, and ‘had his way with me’, repeatedly!” The officer is now listening intently and making notes. “And when did all this happen, ma’am?” “Seven years ago” “Seven years ago?!? Why are you just reporting it now??” The woman got a strange look in her eyes and said “Oh, I’m not really reporting it; just. . .reminiscing” ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/32 "2009-11-16T22:34:40Z")
A penguin is driving his car through Arizona, when it breaks down. He calls the auto club, and they tow his car to a nearby garage. The mechanic tells him he’ll need a few hours to take a look at the car, and figure out the problem. The penguin sits in the waiting room for a while, but gets bored, and heads off for a walk. After a few minutes, he starts to feel warm, and heads into a grocery store. He heads to the freezer department, and climbs into one of the freezers to cool off. After a little while, he decides he’s hungry, opens up a pint of vanilla ice cream, and scarfs it down. He eventually wanders back to the garage. The mechanic spots him, and walks over. “Oh, there you are. Looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin looks stunned. “HUH? Oh!!” He wipes off his face. “No, no, that’s just ice cream.” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/33 "2009-11-16T22:50:19Z")
> [@norinew](#): > > A very elderly woman totters into a police station and says “I’d like to speak to an officer, please”. She is assigned an officer, who says “Do you have something important to tell me, ma’am?” > “Oh, yes sir, officer; I was walking down Maple Street, when a young man dashed out of the bushes, grabbed me, pulled me back in, ripped my underwear off, and ‘had his way with me’, repeatedly!” > The officer is now listening intently and making notes. > “And when did all this happen, ma’am?” > “Seven years ago” > “Seven years ago?!? Why are you just reporting it now??” > The woman got a strange look in her eyes and said “Oh, I’m not really reporting it; just. . .reminiscing” Reminds me of another one: An elderly Jewish man enters a Catholic church and goes to the confessional. He says, “Father, the most unbelievable thing just happened to me. I was in my tailor shop, and this young girl comes in for a dress, couldn’t have been more than nineteen years old. Gorgeous girl, amazing body. So I start measuring her, and next thing you know her clothes come off, and we start having the craziest sex you can imagine, every position you can think of, right there in the shop, for three hours.” The priest says, “I see, but, you’re Jewish, why are you telling _me_ this?” The man answers, “Telling _you_? I’m telling **EVERYBODY**!” ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/34 "2009-11-17T00:10:04Z")
> [@Max\_Torque](#): > > Some days later, a letter arrives from the bishop. It states: “I’m not saying that you are having sex with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying you aren’t, but if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.” In Charles Johnson’s 1724 book \*A General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious Pyrates \* this is pretty similar to how Anne Bonny’s mother figures out that her husband is cheating on her. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/35 "2009-11-17T02:27:04Z")
OK, I’m probably going to hell. I just told the Lifesaver joke to my 12-year-old son and 14-year-old daughter! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/36 "2009-11-17T03:38:46Z")
A man walks into a bank, goes up to a teller and says he wants to borrow a million dollars. The teller says he’ll have to speak to the bank president for a loan of that amount. He is reluctantly admitted to bank president’s office. The bank president says gruffly, “I understand you want to borrow a million dollars. What do you need a million dollars for?” The man says, “I have an amazing idea and I want to start a business. It will be a sure-fire success! You can’t lose!” The bank president says, “What’s the business?” The man says, “I want to manufacture a special powder.” The bank president says, “What is this powder for?” The man asks the bank president to lean closer, then he whispers, “You sprinkle the powder on a girl’s pussy, and it makes her pussy taste like an orange!” The bank president nearly faints in horror. “Get out of my office, you pervert! Security! Security!” The bank guards come and throw the loan-seeker into the street. Fast forward five years. A Bentley pulls up in front of the bank. A chauffeur jumps out and opens the car door. Out steps a man dressed in a hand-tailored cashmere suit, carrying a gold-tipped walking stick. He saunters into the bank, goes up to a teller and says he wants to deposit a million dollars. The teller, in awe, says he’ll need to talk to the bank president. The bank president comes out to greet him and invites him to his office, where he offers the man a brandy and a cigar. The bank president says, “We are honored that you have chosen our financial institution…wait! I recognize you! You’re that guy who tried to borrow a million dollars a few years ago to manufacture that pervert powder! How disgusting! I can’t believe you made a million dollars selling that!” The man says, “Good lord, no! That’s not how I made my fortune. My other idea was a complete disaster. I used every asset I had to finance that stupid venture. I lost my house, my wife divorced me. I was homeless for months.” The bank president says, “Then how did you make all this money?” The man says, “Oh, I came up with another business idea. It was an instant, runaway success!” The bank president says, “What was it?!?” The man says, “I came up with an idea for a special powder.” The bank president says, “What is the powder for?” The man asks the bank president to lean closer, then he whispers, “Do you have an orange?” ---
**Author:** ![Run-of-the-mill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9de053/32.png) [@Run-of-the-mill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Run-of-the-mill)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/37 "2009-11-17T06:59:36Z")
What’s 18 inches long, stiff as a board, and can make a woman moan ALL…NIGHT…LONG? A cot death. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/38 "2009-11-17T08:01:46Z")
A fraternity in Fairbanks, Alaska, was having rushing season–to recruit new members. Only one showed up, on a cold Saturday morning, but they gave him the full initiation. “There are three things you have to do,” the frat president said. “What are they?” asked the pledge. “First, you drink this whole fifth of whiskey.” They gave him a bottle of whiskey and he drank it down, to the last drop. “What’s next?” asked the sozzled pledge. “You have to go out and kill a polar bear and rape an Eskimo,” the frat president said. So the pledge left. Around 11:30 that night the pledge retutrned to the frat house, his clothes in tatters and bleeding and scratched all over. He staggered in and said, “Now, where’s the Eskimo you wanted me to kill?” ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/39 "2009-11-17T14:27:22Z")
> [@norinew](#): > > Here’s mine (old, but still good): > an older couple go to a marriage counselor. The man says “We’re having trouble with. . .you know, the bedroom stuff; it’s just not as. . .exciting as it used to be” So the counselor says “Well, do you ever make love anywhere _besides_ the bedroom?” Both husband and wife look _shocked_ at the very idea. So the counselor says, “Here’s what you do: next time one of you is in the mood, even if you’re in the _bathroom_ or _pantry_, just do it! Right then and there!” > > A week later, the couple comes back, both looking very pleased. The counselor says “So, how did it go?” and the wife says “Great! We were eating dinner Wednesday night, and the mood just came on me. I looked at him, he looked at me, and we did it _right there on the table_!” The counselor says “That’s great!” and the husband says “Yeah, but we’re not allowed in Denny’s ever again”. Crap… cwthree beat me to it. I heard his version of the three couple joining a church. When wife drops an apple they have sex right then and there. “…and we’re not welcome in the grocery store either.” ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025/40 "2009-11-17T14:52:16Z")
An old Jewish guy marries a much younger lady. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. They decide to ask their rabbi for help. The rabbi listens to their story, and makes the following suggestion. “Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.” They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.“Okay”,says the rabbi, “let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.” Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “Now, THAT’S how you wave a towel!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/risque-jokes/517025.md?page=3)