# RO: Somebody sends letter to neighbours telling them to kill their son **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 20, 2013, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699 "2013-08-20T07:28:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![PoorYorick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@PoorYorick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoorYorick)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/81 "2013-08-22T18:43:02Z")
> [@brazil84](#): > > Good for you. I suspect most people would get annoyed if a neighbor’s child’s play balls were constantly falling in their yard. The occasional ball is cute, but at a certain point it becomes annoying – to a lot of people, but not to you. If a ball whizzed past and just missed your head (or your child’s head) it would not bother you in the slightest, even if it happened a few times a day. Jeez, this is what I pictured: I walk out to my back yard and see a baseball laying there. I pick up the baseball and toss it into the neighboring yard. Done, finished, finito, terminado. Even if this happens every day, no big deal. Of course if this happens forty times a day, or it’s a basketball instead of a baseball, or it goes whizzing by my head, or lands on my prize orchid, then yeah, that’s a nuisance. I’m not trying to set myself up as saint. I’m still not sure how a ball can “constantly” fall. I toss it over, and he immediately tosses it back to my yard? Fine, I leave it there until I feel like tossing it back, maybe tomorrow. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2013, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/82 "2013-08-22T18:49:05Z")
> [@PoorYorick](#): > > Jeez, this is what I pictured: I walk out to my back yard and see a baseball laying there. I pick up the baseball and toss it into the neighboring yard. Done, finished, finito, terminado. Even if this happens every day, no big deal. Of course if this happens forty times a day, or it’s a basketball instead of a baseball, or it goes whizzing by my head, or lands on my prize orchid, then yeah, that’s a nuisance. I’m not trying to set myself up as saint. Well before you said it was no problem even if the ball is “constantly” falling in your yard. I suppose that the word “constantly” is ambiguous, but the point is that there is an intensity of ball-falling which can be pretty annoying, depending on the type of ball; the trajectory; and the frequency. In this situation, it seems pretty clear from the mother’s own admission that it happens quite a lot. If the mother is willing to admit this, then very likely it happens very frequently. Also, another person said it was a soccer ball. We don’t have all the facts but there is good reason to believe that the child’s ball activities are rather annoying to any reasonable neighbor. ---
**Author:** ![3\_20\_59\_or\_bust](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/47e85d/32.png) [@3\_20\_59\_or\_bust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3_20_59_or_bust)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/83 "2013-08-23T15:56:47Z")
> [@brazil84](#): > > Well before you said it was no problem even if the ball is “constantly” falling in your yard. > > I suppose that the word “constantly” is ambiguous, but the point is that there is an intensity of ball-falling which can be pretty annoying, depending on the type of ball; the trajectory; and the frequency. > > In this situation, it seems pretty clear from the mother’s own admission that it happens quite a lot. If the mother is willing to admit this, then very likely it happens very frequently. Also, another person said it was a soccer ball. > > We don’t have all the facts but there is good reason to believe that the child’s ball activities are rather annoying to any reasonable neighbor. Jesus, suck it up Princess. Get off your lazy ass and throw the neighbor kid’s ball back over the fucking fence. We’re living in a society here! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/84 "2013-08-23T16:21:05Z")
> [@3\_20\_59\_or\_bust](#): > > \ > > We’re living in a society here! Exactly - don’t let your problems become your neighbour’s problems. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/85 "2013-08-23T16:49:48Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Exactly - don’t let your problems become your neighbour’s problems. You misunderstand – “society” means that other people need to accommodate **3:20:59** – it’s doesn’t mean that **3:20:59** needs to be considerate of other people. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/86 "2013-08-23T17:31:17Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > That’s another issue altogether. Are you sure? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/87 "2013-08-23T17:32:31Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Exactly - don’t let your problems become your neighbour’s problems. Living on a society means that you will have to occasional deal with the problems if your fellow humans, even if they aren’t YOUR problems. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/88 "2013-08-23T17:34:17Z")
> [@PoorYorick](#): > > I’m still not sure how a ball can “constantly” fall. I toss it over, and he immediately tosses it back to my yard? Fine, I leave it there until I feel like tossing it back, maybe tomorrow. When we played ball on the yard, the ball went into a neighbor’s yard regularly. We felt free to hop the fence to get it. Isn’t that what neighbors do? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/89 "2013-08-23T17:36:11Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I have to admit that I don’t understand all the outrage. So one person voiced an unpleasant opinion. And…? There’s lot of crazies and socio/psychopaths out there. People, _Ann Coulter’s_ out there!! Why make such a big deal? Yesterday I walked past a seemingly-schizophrenic homeless man who yelled an insult at me- the media was not alerted and it did not go viral on Facebook. Why do people care so much about the misguided opinion of one single person? If I received the letter, I think I’d roll my eyes, maybe show a couple of friends so that we can commiserate about what a miserable person this was, and I’d be done with it. > > I don’t get it. You wouldn’t feel the least bit hurt or threatened to know that one if your own neighbors was wishing death on a member of your family? It would ruin my day. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/90 "2013-08-23T17:39:33Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Living on a society means that you will have to occasional deal with the problems if your fellow humans, Sure, and most people are not annoyed by the occasional ball falling in their yard from a neighbor. But depending on the nature of the balls involved and the frequency, it starts to become annoying to any reasonable person and inconsiderate on the part of the parents of the child who is sending the balls over. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/91 "2013-08-23T17:40:19Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > You wouldn’t feel the least bit hurt or threatened to know that one if your own neighbors was wishing death on a member of your family? It would ruin my day. I just don’t see how the opinion of one mean person could make that much of a difference to my life. Maybe if they’d said something like, “I’m watching you and I will personally kill your child”, I’d feel threatened. But that’s not what this is. It just seems like so much unnecessary drama, and like most trolls, the person that wrote the letter is probably very happy with the amount of attention and hand-wringing it’s gotten. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/92 "2013-08-23T17:49:49Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I just don’t see how the opinion of one mean person could make that much of a difference to my life. Maybe if they’d said something like, “I’m watching you and I will personally kill your child”, I’d feel threatened. But that’s not what this is. It just seems like so much unnecessary drama, and like most trolls, the person that wrote the letter is probably very happy with the amount of attention and hand-wringing it’s gotten. Well, when people are mean to me, my feelings get hurt, particularly if it’s someone I have spend time adjacent to. I guess I’m strange that way. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/93 "2013-08-23T17:52:10Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I just don’t see how the opinion of one mean person could make that much of a difference to my life. Is there any personal issue which is the source of a lot of emotional difficulty or pain for you? ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/94 "2013-08-23T19:32:44Z")
> [@brazil84](#): > > Is there any personal issue which is the source of a lot of emotional difficulty or pain for you? Of course. I’m a pretty emotional person, actually. Sure, the letter is disturbing, the sender is mean, it was wrong of them to do that. I’m just saying I don’t get why it’s become this big oh-my-god thing. It’s a little over the top, considering it’s apparently just one person’s opinion. I’m a little more secure in my life and myself to let one asshole rock my world so much. ---
**Author:** ![3\_20\_59\_or\_bust](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/47e85d/32.png) [@3\_20\_59\_or\_bust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3_20_59_or_bust)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/95 "2013-08-23T19:52:58Z")
> [@brazil84](#): > > You misunderstand – “society” means that other people need to accommodate **3:20:59** – it’s doesn’t mean that **3:20:59** needs to be considerate of other people. I know you’re having trouble with this, but throwing the ball back over and not making a big deal out of it _is_ considerate. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/96 "2013-08-23T20:08:08Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Of course. I’m a pretty emotional person, actually. Sure, the letter is disturbing, the sender is mean, it was wrong of them to do that. I’m just saying I don’t get why it’s become this big oh-my-god thing. It’s a little over the top, considering it’s apparently just one person’s opinion. I’m a little more secure in my life and myself to let one asshole rock my world so much. I have an autistic child and I can tell you exactly why I would find this so upsetting. I live with a great deal of uncertainty about what will happen to my son when he gets older. Will he be independent? Will I be able to take care of him when he gets much bigger? What happens when I am dead? Will he live in a group home where staffers might [brand him](http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20130521/williamsbridge/severely-autistic-man-was-burned-by-staffers-at-bronx-group-home-suit-says) with a heated potato masher? The world is much kinder to people with his kinds of disabilities today than it ever was. There are groups that advocate for autistic people, less impaired autistic people can advocate for themselves, and I reassure myself daily that my son might not be constantly at risk for victimization. An anonymous, hostile letter that claims to speak for everyone would quite literally undermine my belief that people really are more tolerant and that my son has a good shot at living a decent, dignified life free of abuse. Because despite public professions of tolerance and understanding, I now know that people are _really_ thinking that disabled people who disturb their unearned tranquility with soccer balls tossed in their yards ought to be euthanized. I would wonder what things will really be like for my son when I cannot care for him any longer. I would be upset because no matter how confident I am in my life choices, I am very concerned about my son’s future. I would be upset because I would discover that some really fucking important things I had come to believe about my community might be at best, figments of my imagination or at worst, outright lies. The fact that the community seemed to rally around this family suggests that people who were not directly affected recognized that this sort of thing is very dangerous and were quick to respond to such naked hostility with warmth and reassurance. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/97 "2013-08-23T20:09:35Z")
> [@3\_20\_59\_or\_bust](#): > > I know you’re having trouble with this, but throwing the ball back over and not making a big deal out of it _is_ considerate. Yes, perhaps I am having trouble understanding your point. Do you agree that depending on the nature of the balls involved and the frequency, the problem described can start to become annoying to any reasonable person and inconsiderate on the part of the parents of the child who is sending the balls over? Does “society” demand that a person simply return the balls, without complaint, no matter how frequent the balls are coming and how large they are? Does “society” demand that parents take any kind of action to prevent their children from sending balls into neighbors’ yards? ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/98 "2013-08-23T20:14:40Z")
> [@Maeglin](#): > > I have an autistic child and I can tell you exactly why I would find this so upsetting. I live with a great deal of uncertainty about what will happen to my son when he gets older. Will he be independent? Will I be able to take care of him when he gets much bigger? What happens when I am dead? Will he live in a group home where staffers might [brand him](http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20130521/williamsbridge/severely-autistic-man-was-burned-by-staffers-at-bronx-group-home-suit-says) with a heated potato masher? > > The world is much kinder to people with his kinds of disabilities today than it ever was. There are groups that advocate for autistic people, less impaired autistic people can advocate for themselves, and I reassure myself daily that my son might not be constantly at risk for victimization. An anonymous, hostile letter that claims to speak for everyone would quite literally undermine my belief that people really are more tolerant and that my son has a good shot at living a decent, dignified life free of abuse. Because despite public professions of tolerance and understanding, I now know that people are _really_ thinking that disabled people who disturb their unearned tranquility with soccer balls tossed in their yards ought to be euthanized. I would wonder what things will really be like for my son when I cannot care for him any longer. I would be upset because no matter how confident I am in my life choices, I am very concerned about my son’s future. I would be upset because I would discover that some really fucking important things I had come to believe about my community might be at best, figments of my imagination or at worst, outright lies. The fact that the community seemed to rally around this family suggests that people who were not directly affected recognized that this sort of thing is very dangerous and were quick to respond to such naked hostility with warmth and reassurance. Fair enough. I, too, have a son, who, while not autistic, has disabilities severe enough that I worry about his future without me. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/99 "2013-08-23T20:19:09Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Of course. I’m a pretty emotional person, actually. Would you mind sharing what that issue is? If not, imagine if a stranger started attacking you on that one specific issue and cruelly reminding you of the worst aspects of that problem. > [@](#): > > I’m a little more secure in my life and myself to let one asshole rock my world so much. That’s great for you – but most people are not like that. Most people have a few issues on which they are rather sensitive. Often involving an unpleasant aspect of reality which is difficult to face. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699/100 "2013-08-23T20:30:21Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Fair enough. I, too, have a son, who, while not autistic, has disabilities severe enough that I worry about his future without me. I wish you the best of luck. He is my only child, and I have no direct experience of parenting children with other kinds of disabilities. But I do believe that there are a lot of things about children with autism that enrage bystanders. Failure to make eye contact, emotional disregulation, repetitive behavior, etc all make people _angry_ in a way that some of the less in-your-face (though no less serious) disabilities don’t. People without experience also do not realize that there is sometimes no mitigating it. If my son gets an objectionable substance on his hands or face, he will melt down. If he startles awake from sleeping, he will melt down. If there are too many people or the environment is unfamiliar, he will fail to respond to any kind of communication. This is the way he experiences the world, and no parenting efforts are going to change that in the short term, perhaps not ever. I don’t take him on the train, I don’t take him to restaurants, I don’t take him to friends’ houses. We have most of our groceries delivered because taking him to the grocery store is a mixed bag, and god knows, people _hate_ to be troubled in the grocery store. So in my own goddamned home, my son is going to melt down or do other autistic kid things that are usually not in anyone’s control. My neighbors _appear_ to be understanding, and we often drop off baked goods and bottles of wine for no reason whatsoever when we think we are prevailing too much on others’ patience. But for fuck’s sake, when my son is carrying on in my home, I simply cannot worry that someone out there might be inconvenienced if they don’t think that I am doing enough to suppress the outburst. Just try to smile patiently, throw the soccer ball back over the fence, and give thanks to whatever god you believe in that you are not the parent of that child. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ro-somebody-sends-letter-to-neighbours-telling-them-to-kill-their-son/666699.md?page=6)