# Rock - Me - Hard Place **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 4, 2008, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084 "2008-11-04T17:22:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Cisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2008, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/41 "2008-11-04T23:38:11Z")
> [@Ludy](#): > > I am in need of some impartial doper opinions. > > First the back-story. My husband and I got married this past summer and have been together for about 6 years or so. He is 31 and I am 27. We own our own home and have full time jobs that we love. We have talked about kids and wanted to wait a few years first. We want to travel and fix up the house, and basically just live our own lives for a while. He seemed to be more interested in having kids than I am, but I am not opposed to them by any means. Now this was all fine and dandy until yesterday when I peed on a lot of sticks and according to three tests from two different brands my eggo is preggo. > > I found out at work so I took the afternoon off, and went home to tell the mister, he had the day off. All morning I was going through the possible ways he would take it and thought about how we would tell our parents. > > The first place he went when I told him was to get an abortion…… > > That was the one scenario I didn’t anticipate. I don’t have an issue with abortion in most cases, but when you have a married couple that wants kids, can afford it, but basically it doesn’t fit the schedule properly I am not sure how I feel about it. > > Fundamentally I think the issue is that husband is a man of planning and logic. Every single decision he makes has to be thoroughly analyzed and every single option researched. I am much more spontaneous and I thrive on thinking on my feet and improvising. So the thought that we would have a kid without all the ducks lined up is more than he can handle, but I am much more inclined to go with it. > > So I am stuck in a lose lose situation. He is not excited about the idea of having a kid and I don’t want him to live his life thinking that the kid and I held him back and end up resenting us, and I am not excited about living my life with the knowledge that I aborted our first child that was conceived in a loving marriage in a time that was not ideal, but not bad, and I will have to live life with that on my conscience. > > Intellectually I know that at this moment in time it is nothing but a cluster of cells and it’s not a big deal, but at the same time it is a big deal. > > Thoughts, opinions. > > Help We went through this EXACT scenario 3 months ago. I mean seriously, married, the house, the jobs, wanting kids but “later”, wanting to travel, home improvements . . . just about the only difference is that we’re both 27 instead of 27 and 31. So I hope I have a little insight here. I was FREAKED THE FUCK OUT when I found out, and I admit that the A-word was the first thing that came to mind, but I don’t think I ever said it. It started to sink in day by day and very soon I found myself more excited than I ever have been for anything in my entire life. The excited has not abated. We found out 2 weeks ago that we are having a boy on or about March 5th, 2009. I can almost assure you that he will change his mind. Give him a few days and if you’re offended right now, forgive him on the basis that he’s probably never been more scared in his life. We are both pro-choice, by the way. The way I worded it to a friend when he brought up abortion was “hey, I believe it’s a choice, but it’s not _my_ choice.” ---
**Author:** ![Caveat\_lector\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@Caveat\_lector\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caveat_lector_1)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2008, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/42 "2008-11-04T23:44:14Z")
What a awful situation. You have my prayers and sympathies. I’ll do full disclosure ,like **gigi** , and point out I’m very pro-life before I go on. I really don’t get the shock thing myself if you’re using the rhythm method a lot of the time. If you were on the pill I could see, but not the rhythm method. I hope the other posters are right and he’ll see reason with time. I’ll go with you and say having an abortion in the situation you have described is troubling. I, of course, am always troubled by abortion but there is troubling and then there is troubling. Maybe having him talk with the minister or some such would help? I’m sure you’ve talked to him about your feeling on the matter. I’ll also just put in that, as you said you could see your self being bothered by the knowledge for the rest of your life, it is possible that he could at anytime change his mind about the baby but you can’t undo the abortion. Also, ultimately an other person’s reactions are their own responsibility and in the end, as long as you act reasonably, you to are only answerable for your actions. I’m not talking religion here, but just with yourself. No matter what your decision my thoughts and prayers are with you. ---
**Author:** ![madrabbitwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@madrabbitwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madrabbitwoman)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/43 "2008-11-05T00:11:13Z")
Just curious - why did he want to try the rhythm method. Don’t answer if you don’t want to. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/44 "2008-11-05T00:48:53Z")
> [@Risha](#): > > What I _am_ saying is that I disapprove of using abortion to limit short term mild inconvenience. If they never intended to have children, go right ahead and abort. Or if they had three and never intended to have any more. If they were completely broke and living from hand to mouth, sure. If they were arguing every night and one more stress is going to break the marriage or them personally, fine. > > But just to put it off a couple of years because the carpets need to be replaced? If disapproving of abortion under those circumstances (while not forbidding it) makes me a poor feminist, or somehow aligned with the asses firebombing abortion clinics, then… well, the second is ridiculous, but I can live with the first. As an adamant pro-choicer, who has had 3 abortions herself, I agree with you 100%. A guy who would want an abortion because the countertop and sinks need to be replaced strikes me as horribly cold. You will regret the abortion if you feel pressured to do it by your husband, and it will doom your marriage. Last year I got pregnant by my long-term boyfriend whom I love very much and he adamantly wanted me to get an abortion because we were in a rough spot in our relationship. I did not want to bear a child without the support and consent of the father, but also mainly because we were not married. So I got the abortion. But here we are a year later, and we’re doing well, and I feel a lot of sadness that I was pressured to get an abortion. And being almost 33, I wonder if I’ll ever get another chance. On edit: I’ve never talked about this before, but recently, when discussing my abortion with my mom, she revealed that my dad made her get an abortion when she became pregnant after my brother and I were born. Dad didn’t want any more kids. It’s not like they were poor - they were well-off, or as if they had 5 kids. It really disturbed me that my dad could be so cold. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/45 "2008-11-05T04:54:37Z")
> [@Caveat\_lector\_1](#): > > \ > Maybe having him talk with the minister or some such would help? I’m sure you’ve talked to him about your feeling on the matter. > \ I can’t see where talking to a minister would be much help. I think an organization that has a realistic take on this (like Planned Parenthood) would be much more useful. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/46 "2008-11-05T06:17:23Z")
To be frank your husband sounds like kind an ignorant douche-bag to have actually said that out loud \*unless \*you had been fairly adamant with him that you were pro choice. Some women with super analytical, but emotionally retarded husbands (and to be fair YOU chose to marry him knowing this) somehow think their Spock-hubby is going to magically change into desiring daddy when the bun is in their magic oven instead of being part of some hypothetical gedanken-abortion scenario where both of you are nodding your heads solemnly over a woman’s right to choose. That you are surprised he said this given his psychological makeup says just as much about the nature of his interpersonal obtuseness as it does about your magical thinking that the fact it’s YOUR baby will make everything different. So before you judge him consider how realistic your own expectations were based on the nature of the man you married. Having said all this his right to choose that he’s not daddy material is nullified by his retarded decision to want to use the rhythm method. Just tell him that he played Russian Roulette with a loaded gun and lost (apparently he’s analytical but not all that smart) and that the baby isn’t going anywhere, and to man up and get over himself. ---
**Author:** ![runcible\_spoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc29f/32.png) [@runcible\_spoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runcible_spoon)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/47 "2008-11-05T07:32:51Z")
I have to say, I was sympathizing more with the husband until the rhythm method came up. If your birth control consists of something with a 9% per year failure rate _when done perfectly_, you sort of lose the right to be shocked. That said, I’m a little surprised at the reactions of other posters (pre-rhythm-method-mention). Maybe it’s just that I’m from the Godless Northwest, but to me, if you’ve talked about waiting to have kids, I take it as written that an abortion would be the reaction. It’d certainly be what I’d expect if my girlfriend got pregnant (and maybe we should have a little talk… you people are scaring me). In fact, I think my reaction to her wanting to keep the baby would be roughly on par with some of the reactions upthread - ‘she said WHAT?’. Simply put, while I’ll support a woman’s right to choose legally, as a couple, I don’t think it’s fair to give one party more control in what should be a shared responsibility, and if your previous discussions led to ‘no kids now’, I’d expect that to hold. Granted, wanting the other party to come around to your way of seeing things is natural, and I’d expect both parties to feel that way, but I think it’d be folly to think that he’ll ‘come around to the right way of thinking’. Personally, in his shoes (and again, ignoring the rhythm method business) I’d be pretty upset that I was being pressured into a pretty damn big choice - and one that was already decided, no less. If that makes me cold, maybe I am, but I don’t actually see anything wrong with abortion, even for convenience’s sake. Potentially frivolous, perhaps, given that pregnancy is not assured later in life, and certainly with a risk of psychological trauma that should be considered, but not morally wrong, or even morally ambiguous. In your case, I think the choice of the rhythm method indicates either some desire for children, or some level of boneheadedness. The initial abortion stance may have been sheer reaction, and he may come to want to have the baby, but I’d be veeeeery careful about not urging it. If he does come around, it needs to be because he wants to, not because he feels pressured. I’d go so far as to not even bring it up unless he wants to talk about it. But I wouldn’t expect that he’ll change his mind - boneheaded decision or not, he may just not want kids right now. ---
**Author:** ![Risha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5fc32e/32.png) [@Risha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Risha)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/48 "2008-11-05T15:09:31Z")
> [@runcible\_spoon](#): > > That said, I’m a little surprised at the reactions of other posters (pre-rhythm-method-mention). Maybe it’s just that I’m from the Godless Northwest, but to me, if you’ve talked about waiting to have kids, I take it as written that an abortion would be the reaction. It’d certainly be what I’d expect if my girlfriend got pregnant (and maybe we should have a little talk… you people are scaring me). In fact, I think my reaction to her wanting to keep the baby would be roughly on par with some of the reactions upthread - ‘she said WHAT?’. Yeah, you probably should have that talk - in fact, every couple should have that talk. Just because someone’s pro-choice, doesn’t mean that they take having one lightly. I doubt that I could have one under any circumstances, actually, and it certainly wouldn’t be for “frivolous” reasons, and that counts as one for me. It could very well for your girlfriend as well. Communication, people. No assumptions with something this serious. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/49 "2008-11-05T15:09:33Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Full disclosure: I’m pro-life and that will color what I personally think. > > Trying to be objective :), yes, he’s a planner, but you have months to plan before the baby is here. Do you think giving him some time to absorb the news and think about its impact will change anything? Had you discussed “surprise” pregnancy and what expectations would be? > > Your baby has a better chance of being healthy with you at this age than years from now. You will still have a chance to travel assuming you have a support system you trust to take care of your child. And fixing up the house can happen, maybe more slowly, but it can happen. > > I’m sorry this is such a hard situation for you. I’m pro-choice and I agree with everything **gigi** says 🙂 I know how painful this sort of thing can be. When I was newly pregnant for the first time - and it’s important to note that it was NOT unexpected or unplanned - my spouse went into a funk as soon as things were confirmed. A big-time one. To the point where I told him flat out “fine. I’ll call the doctor tomorrow and schedule an abortion”. (I would NOT have. I’m pro-choice but it wasn’t the right choice for me). That shocked him out of his funk, to a large degree. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/50 "2008-11-05T15:20:28Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > With all due respect, **Bo** , what difference does that make? I got pregnant with both my kids while using birth control…we joke my husband’s sperm is Superman. I think one difference depends on what _TYPE_ of birth control was used. If you get pregnant while using birth control pills for example, isn’t there a higher risk of problems with the pregnancy or a higher risk of health problems of the unborn? ---
**Author:** ![Risha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5fc32e/32.png) [@Risha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Risha)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/51 "2008-11-05T15:24:17Z")
> [@runcible\_spoon](#): > > The initial abortion stance may have been sheer reaction, and he may come to want to have the baby, but I’d be veeeeery careful about not urging it. If he does come around, it needs to be because he wants to, not because he feels pressured. I’d go so far as to not even bring it up unless he wants to talk about it. But I wouldn’t expect that he’ll change his mind - boneheaded decision or not, he may just not want kids right now. I wanted to add - not bringing it up is not your most sterling suggestion ever, as they need to make a choice reasonably soon. Unless you’re suggesting that she go right out and get an abortion based on that first conversation alone? Which, no, bad idea. I’m wavering a little on the “not pressured” bit. I don’t necessarily approve of forcing someone into something they don’t want. However, I don’t think that Ludy’s opinion is something to dismiss lightly either - she’s half of the decision stakeholders, and I’m not sure that I believe that he holds an absolute automatic veto in this. After all, he’s equally to blame for the situation, as is any man who has sex with a woman - he can’t just dismiss all of the risk he’s taking. He doesn’t get to do that without acknowledging that he may need to take the consequences. And I must say that I do give even less veto power to a man who wants children and took an outrageous risk of having one outside of his schedule. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/52 "2008-11-05T15:25:42Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > I can’t see where talking to a minister would be much help. I think an organization that has a realistic take on this (like Planned Parenthood) would be much more useful. Maybe s/he means in terms of what he is going through emotionally, and resolving the conflict, not about abortion per se. A minister with some counseling experience would be perfectly qualified for that discussion. ---
**Author:** ![Caveat\_lector\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@Caveat\_lector\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caveat_lector_1)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/53 "2008-11-05T15:48:54Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Maybe s/he means in terms of what he is going through emotionally, and resolving the conflict, not about abortion per se. A minister with some counseling experience would be perfectly qualified for that discussion. Well that would be good yes. Also, I misread ‘mister’ as ‘minister’ and so thought she’d already talked to one and thus had one she was comfortable with. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/54 "2008-11-05T16:16:26Z")
**Ludy** , could you clarify something? Much has been made of the fact that you’re using the rhythm method (old joke: “you know what they call people who use the rhythm method? Parents!”), so I won’t add anything to that, but you mentioned this: [QUOTE=Ludy] As for a scare it has happened and when I told him he didn’t seem effected one way or the other. That’s why his reaction this time was so shocking. [/QUOTE] Could you expand on this? Are you saying that you’ve been here once before with a pregnancy scare, only with a different result (i.e. you weren’t pregnant then)? If that’s true, well, I’d say he’s been doubly warned about the reliability of your current birth control method. Yikes. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/55 "2008-11-05T16:49:33Z")
> [@madrabbitwoman](#): > > Just curious - why did he want to try the rhythm method. Don’t answer if you don’t want to. Am curious about this, too (though I think I know the answer and it rhymes with ‘bo bore bondoms’). ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/56 "2008-11-05T18:08:29Z")
Is your husband me? My wife and I were in this situation a few years ago, we have approximately your age difference. As it turned out, she miscarried almost immediately (she conceived and implanted however briefly, but somehow she’d managed to do that WHILE on Ortho-Evra, so…). The potential for resentment is very real, there is no doubt about that. When were you planning on having children? Why is now not the best time–what factors are holding you two back? To the people saying that life’s more fun when you don’t plan and just drift a bit–maybe for you, but for guys like me and presumably the OP’s hubby, it’s a one-way train to Anxiety Town, population panic. And honestly, get a patch, girl, they’re cheap. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/57 "2008-11-05T19:52:35Z")
I’m not going to go as far as **Astro** went, but your husband’s control issues seemed harmless up until this point in your marriage and he needs to address those IMMEDIATELY for the sake of your family/marriage. Whether he wants to or not is up to him though. Do offer him support and love either way he chooses, just like the support and love you would expect with what you choose to do. Telling him to “man up and get over himself” will not help the situation, but create more resentment. Telling him that you love him and want to help lessen the mental load on his mind but yet keep the child sounds like your goal. Find ways to ease him into the role of father. Couples counseling is just one way. I wish that I had done that when our first child was on the way. I would have been less controlling over the last few years and would have been a better father to my first child. My second and third kids will be better off because I have gone to counseling and have done better recognizing and curbing my control issues, and the family benefits from this. Either way, you should seek counseling yourself, with or without your husband. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/58 "2008-11-05T20:20:48Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Maybe s/he means in terms of what he is going through emotionally, and resolving the conflict, not about abortion per se. A minister with some counseling experience would be perfectly qualified for that discussion. Yeah, a little couple’s counselling probably wouldn’t hurt, but one message I’m getting from these two loud and clear is that they need more information about pregnancy and conception and birth control. **Ludy** is young and fertile; she’s a baby-making machine right now, especially after she’s gotten pregnant once (the female body gets better at getting pregnant the more often it does it); they need to know how to get the results they want in the future. Mr. Ludy also needs to get a good head-slapping about contraception, which I hope some place like Planned Parenthood can provide. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/59 "2008-11-05T20:26:51Z")
I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said, but I will pray for you (or send vibes if your prefer). ---
**Author:** ![Ludy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Ludy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludy)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/60 "2008-11-05T20:38:54Z")
> [@Snickers](#): > > Could you expand on this? Are you saying that you’ve been here once before with a pregnancy scare, only with a different result (i.e. you weren’t pregnant then)? If that’s true, well, I’d say he’s been doubly warned about the reliability of your current birth control method. Yikes. To be honest the scare was most likely the cause of this little predicament. Last month about the time when my period was due I started to get nauseous periodically but that only lasted a few days, and only happened after eating the same thing, so I didn’t really think much about it. My period was a little late and when it did come it was light. Something didn’t quite feel right so I took a pregnancy test that read negative, so I told myself I was overreacting. I told my husband this and he was very nonchalant about it and didn’t really say anything but this last month we have used condoms every time. The only thing I can think of is that we did conceive the month before but it was too early for the test to read accurately. Our birth control history is that I was on the pill for the first few years of our relationship. I went off of it when I started to get some side effects. They went away a few months after being off the pill. Because of the side effects we were using the condom method regularly and going without only right after I menstruated. If we conceived when we think we did it was a time that was later than what we usually call our cut of time. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084.md?page=4)