# Rock - Me - Hard Place **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 4, 2008, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084 "2008-11-04T17:22:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Ludy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Ludy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludy)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/61 "2008-11-05T20:49:04Z")
> [@astro](#): > > To be frank your husband sounds like kind an ignorant douche-bag to have actually said that out loud \*unless \*you had been fairly adamant with him that you were pro choice. Some women with super analytical, but emotionally retarded husbands (and to be fair YOU chose to marry him knowing this) somehow think their Spock-hubby is going to magically change into desiring daddy when the bun is in their magic oven instead of being part of some hypothetical gedanken-abortion scenario where both of you are nodding your heads solemnly over a woman’s right to choose. > > That you are surprised he said this given his psychological makeup says just as much about the nature of his interpersonal obtuseness as it does about your magical thinking that the fact it’s YOUR baby will make everything different. So before you judge him consider how realistic your own expectations were based on the nature of the man you married. That would be true if he hadn’t stated that he want’s kids, hell he wants more kids than I do. He want’s to be a father and I am not under any assumption that this was not on the to-do list, it has just been moved up on the to-do list. ---
**Author:** ![Ludy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Ludy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludy)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/62 "2008-11-05T20:51:13Z")
So far I have taken the advice of just leaving things be for a few days. I avoided the subject last night but he did say something that gave me pause. He was talking about wanting to go wall climbing again and I listed off some friends of ours that would love to go climbing with him, and I added on the end of the list that I could go as well. Then he said with this smirk “Maybe, but maybe they won’t let you.” ---
**Author:** ![Mahna\_Mahna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e47c2d/32.png) [@Mahna\_Mahna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahna_Mahna)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/63 "2008-11-05T21:51:03Z")
> [@Ludy](#): > > Our birth control history is that I was on the pill for the first few years of our relationship. I went off of it when I started to get some side effects. They went away a few months after being off the pill. Because of the side effects **we were using the condom method regularly and going without only right after I menstruated**. If we conceived when we think we did it was a time that was later than what we usually call our cut of time. (bolding mine) :eek: No matter how this situation turns out, please promise that you will never ever use this method again and call it “birth control”. It’s not… what it is, to put it bluntly, is playing russian roulette with your reproductive plans. Sperm will live in your body for several days and despite what they taught you in sex ed, ovulation doesn’t always happen right in at the mid-point of the menstrual cycle. Hell, these days they know that women can sometimes ovulate multiple times in one cycle. There will be more “surprises” in your future if this is your long-term birth control plan. If you’re serious about staying off the pill, using condoms less often and don’t want kids, then you need to get actively involved with your reproductive process by measuring and tracking the different ways your body tells you it’s getting ready to send another egg down the chute - it will reduce risk of pregnancy from 5-9% to under 3%… that’s more or less on par with condoms. I’d suggest reading up on [Fertility Awareness](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fertility_awareness) techniques and seeing whether these will work for you. The added benefit is that if and when you decide that you DO want to get pregnant, you can use the same method in reverse, since what you’re actually doing is keep tabs on when your body is most fertile. ---
**Author:** ![Neeps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a183cd/32.png) [@Neeps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neeps)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/64 "2008-11-05T22:04:34Z")
> [@Ludy](#): > > So far I have taken the advice of just leaving things be for a few days. I avoided the subject last night but he did say something that gave me pause. He was talking about wanting to go wall climbing again and I listed off some friends of ours that would love to go climbing with him, and I added on the end of the list that I could go as well. Then he said with this smirk “Maybe, but maybe they won’t let you.” Hmm, you’re not painting a particularly sympathetic picture of your husband at the moment. Having talked a bit with my husband about this, I am really at a loss as to how you found yourself in this position. [ul] [li]Want kids later? Use (more) reliable birth control (but be prepared for failure).[/li] [li]Not bothered about kids now? Play free and easy with the birth control and whatever happens, happens.[/li][/ul] You seem to have picked something in between, and are now having to figure out how to deal with it. If I am being honest here, after telling my husband about this, he was all set to take your husband out back and kick some sense into him. I _might_ cheer him on. Just a little bit. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/65 "2008-11-05T22:25:20Z")
Since you are from Canada and health care is not an issue, I think you should knock your husband upside the head with a frying pan. Or give him a few days and see if he changes his mind. ---
**Author:** ![runcible\_spoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc29f/32.png) [@runcible\_spoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runcible_spoon)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/66 "2008-11-05T23:23:56Z")
> [@Risha](#): > > I wanted to add - not bringing it up is not your most sterling suggestion ever, as they need to make a choice reasonably soon. Unless you’re suggesting that she go right out and get an abortion based on that first conversation alone? Which, no, bad idea. Ah, sorry, to clarify that I meant it in relation to previous suggestions to give him time to get over the first reaction. As in, a few days, a week, not just ignore it and it’ll go away. I’m not sure how soon the decision has to be made, but my impression is that a week wouldn’t change things much, and I think having a week to think about it (without feeling pressured) would help defuse the situation a bit. > [@Risha](#): > > I’m wavering a little on the “not pressured” bit. I don’t necessarily approve of forcing someone into something they don’t want. However, I don’t think that Ludy’s opinion is something to dismiss lightly either - she’s half of the decision stakeholders, and I’m not sure that I believe that he holds an absolute automatic veto in this. After all, he’s equally to blame for the situation, as is any man who has sex with a woman - he can’t just dismiss all of the risk he’s taking. He doesn’t get to do that without acknowledging that he may need to take the consequences. Oh, I agree with you there - certainly this isn’t one-sided. I tend to lean more towards the status-quo (given that they’d talked about not having kids right now), but that’s hardly the only factor at play. If I spoke more to the husband’s POV, it’s because I feel previous posters have covered the arguments for keeping the baby quite well. This is a rough issue, because ideally neither person should have veto, but it’s a choice that affects both parties in a pretty big way, no matter what the final decision is. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/67 "2008-11-05T23:59:57Z")
> [@Ludy](#): > > Our birth control history is that I was on the pill for the first few years of our relationship. I went off of it when I started to get some side effects. They went away a few months after being off the pill. Depending on the outcome of this situation, this question might be moot, but did you try any other pills? I don’t know a great deal about them, but I was under the impression that there are many different pills to choose from, and not all of them affect a particular person in the same way. It sucks if you’re feeling side effects while trying to find the right one, but it’s certainly an option. ---
**Author:** ![Risha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5fc32e/32.png) [@Risha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Risha)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2008, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/68 "2008-11-06T00:12:59Z")
> [@runcible\_spoon](#): > > Ah, sorry, to clarify that I meant it in relation to previous suggestions to give him time to get over the first reaction. As in, a few days, a week, not just ignore it and it’ll go away. I’m not sure how soon the decision has to be made, but my impression is that a week wouldn’t change things much, and I think having a week to think about it (without feeling pressured) would help defuse the situation a bit. You’re right, I totally misunderstood you there. Yes, a week probably isn’t a problem to wait out (though now it sounds like she’s probably a couple of months along, so I wouldn’t let it go much longer than that). And it would give him a chance to get his head together. > [@runcible\_spoon](#): > > Oh, I agree with you there - certainly this isn’t one-sided. I tend to lean more towards the status-quo (given that they’d talked about not having kids right now), but that’s hardly the only factor at play. If I spoke more to the husband’s POV, it’s because I feel previous posters have covered the arguments for keeping the baby quite well. > > This is a rough issue, because ideally neither person should have veto, but it’s a choice that affects both parties in a pretty big way, no matter what the final decision is. I think we’re actually in complete agreement. 🙂 I don’t know that there’s a right or good answer to something like this - if a couple in this situation can’t come to a mutual agreement they’re both happy with, then both parties, no matter what, are being wronged in some important way. ---
**Author:** ![fisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@fisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fisha)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2008, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/69 "2008-11-06T00:26:04Z")
Do you think his unhappiness might be because you used condoms every time this last month? Perhaps he’s wondering if this child is his? Men (and women for that matter) oftentimes don’t have a very good idea on how fertility and pregnancy work. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2008, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/70 "2008-11-06T00:30:39Z")
> [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](#): > > did you try any other pills? I don’t know a great deal about them, but I was under the impression that there are many different pills to choose from, and not all of them affect a particular person in the same way. It sucks if you’re feeling side effects while trying to find the right one, but it’s certainly an option. There _are_ many different pills available, and they _do_ have different side effects. [Here’s a site with information on which pills might be better or worse for which side effects](http://www.wdxcyber.com/ncontr13.htm) (of course, this can all vary between people). ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2008, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/71 "2008-11-06T00:51:44Z")
> [@Neeps](#): > > Hmm, you’re not painting a particularly sympathetic picture of your husband at the moment. Agreed. {{{Ludy}}} ---
**Author:** ![Hokkaido\_Brit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d26b3c/32.png) [@Hokkaido\_Brit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hokkaido_Brit)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2008, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/72 "2008-11-06T23:30:19Z")
I too think he’s being rather weird and unreasonable. Actually to the point of forfeitting his rights over this child. If you want it, then I’d say he has no right to tell you to abort it - not after using the rhythm method and talking about wanting kids… If he bails out then so be it, but I do hope this is just a panic reaction and he’ll come round. Be strong! ---
**Author:** ![Hokkaido\_Brit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d26b3c/32.png) [@Hokkaido\_Brit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hokkaido_Brit)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/73 "2008-11-10T01:46:50Z")
I’ve been thinking about you a lot over the past few days and am wondering how you are, if you don’t mind giving us an update? ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/74 "2008-11-10T06:50:25Z")
> [@Hokkaido\_Brit](#): > > I’ve been thinking about you a lot over the past few days and am wondering how you are, if you don’t mind giving us an update? I’ve been thinking about this too. Don’t mean to pry, but it would be nice to see what happened. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/75 "2008-11-10T16:08:27Z")
Bump. I’ve been lurking since this thread was started and I’d like to hear back from the OP, too. **Ludy,** how’re you doing? ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/76 "2008-11-10T19:02:36Z")
I’m going to chime in with pretty much everyone else. Give your husband time. I’m sure the mention of abortion was part of the initial “Oh shit” moment. I would imagine everyone has them. Heck, I had the same reaction when Mrs. Magill became pregnant with Fang… and he was planned. (Needless to say, though, I kept my fool mouth shut.) > [@ivylass](#): > > If you wait until you’re ready to have kids, you’ll never have kids. QFT. My advice: If you still want a career, and it is quite possible to have both kids and a rewarding career, start looking for good day care centers now. Yes it is quite possible to have both. It is hard work, but it worth it. Good luck to you both. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/77 "2008-11-10T23:06:41Z")
With our daughter, I finally confirmed I was pregnant and told Ivylad, rather tearfully, since it wasn’t the most convenient time for us to have another baby. He turned away from me for a few seconds, then turned back around, hugged me, and said, “I’m going to be a daddy again!” I confirmed some years later that he needed a few minutes to compose himself, and I shall always be grateful to him for that. ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/78 "2008-11-11T01:58:56Z")
Some thoughts very quickly… 1. I would second all the thoughts here saying that don’t just assume you will get pregnant when you are ready… its not like buying a car that way (we have been trying for two years after losing one to miscarriage and having one child) 2. Something that nobody has brought up yet. The reason for waiting is to enjoy life first, well I actually prefer the opposite route, I want kids, but would rather get them raised, educated and out of the house while I still have the energy to travel and enjoy later in life. I don’t relish the thought of trying to deal with rebellious teenagers when I am in my mid fifties and looking to slow down at work and maybe use my financial security to travel and have toys 3. If you wait until you are ready then it will never happen - there will always be something that will stop you until you are just too old. There is never a good time 4. I suspect the abortion mention from hubby was just an “oh fuck” moment as he was blindsided ---
**Author:** ![burundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@burundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burundi)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/79 "2008-11-11T02:01:03Z")
Oh, honey. That’s tough, tough, tough. Sending very good thoughts your way. > [@Risha](#): > > Yeah, you probably should have that talk - in fact, every couple should have that talk. Just because someone’s pro-choice, doesn’t mean that they take having one lightly. I doubt that I could have one under any circumstances, actually, and it certainly wouldn’t be for “frivolous” reasons, and that counts as one for me. Likewise. When my husband and I first starting dating, we talked about it, and I made it clear that while I am not opposed to abortion, I couldn’t imagine ever having one myself, unless it was for pretty major health reasons. And I’m a godless heathen. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2008, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084/80 "2008-11-12T16:15:41Z")
**Ludy** - Do you have any update? StG [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rock-me-hard-place/471084.md?page=3)