# Romantic trip planned, my GF is expecting me to propose but I'm not ready to... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 7, 2010, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862 "2010-07-07T14:44:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/101 "2010-07-09T23:55:27Z")
It’s at this point where I wonder if talking about it on this forum does more harm than good. I’d temper our advice with all the baggage we happen to carry along. I’m sure she’d LOVE to hear you were airing all your dirty laundry on some random Internet forum. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/102 "2010-07-09T23:57:59Z")
> [@Anachronism](#): > > I love you and I love our relationship but I’m not ready to get engaged right now. Absolutely unreasonable. How could you be so cruel? :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Anachronism](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@Anachronism](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anachronism)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/103 "2010-07-10T00:12:13Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Absolutely unreasonable. How could you be so cruel? :mad: Is that sarcasm? That’s how she took it. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/104 "2010-07-10T00:16:16Z")
> [@Anachronism](#): > > Is that sarcasm? That’s how she took it. Yeah, I was being sarcastic. I know I’m just some random chick on the internet, sir, but you didn’t do a darn thing wrong here. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/105 "2010-07-10T00:26:59Z")
The question now is whether what happened really changed anything. In my experience, most disappointments come about due to unfulfilled expectations. If she hit a brick wall with this, if she really was expecting you to want to marry her at this point, then everything just changed for her. Give her some time to adjust to her new surroundings. She might like it! ---
**Author:** ![not\_alice](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_alice/32/7283_2.png) [@not\_alice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_alice)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/106 "2010-07-10T01:08:47Z")
If she wants to be engaged to you so badly, how do you know she isn’t going to propose to you? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/107 "2010-07-10T01:21:10Z")
> [@not\_alice](#): > > If she wants to be engaged to you so badly, how do you know she isn’t going to propose to you? I’m willing to bet she’s ‘traditional’ and absolutely has to be asked by the man- preferably on a romantic getaway. ---
**Author:** ![nikonikosuru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5f8ce5/32.png) [@nikonikosuru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nikonikosuru)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/108 "2010-07-10T01:35:20Z")
This is only after one year of dating, right? Don’t you think she’s moving awfully fast? It seems like she doesn’t respect you if all she can focus on is her wants instead of realizing that you were troubled and trying your best to not disappoint her. ---
**Author:** ![BigBertha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@BigBertha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigBertha)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/109 "2010-07-10T03:31:13Z")
Only one year? Are things different now? I was married 6 months after meeting my spouse. I have known many who took less time to marry. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/110 "2010-07-10T05:09:29Z")
> [@BigBertha](#): > > Only one year? Are things different now? I was married 6 months after meeting my spouse. > I have known many who took less time to marry. But was this your second marriage, and was it only two weeks after your divorce became legal? (That she wanted him to propose, that is) ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/111 "2010-07-10T05:37:35Z")
I’ve had many friends that broke up on their 1 year anniversary. One partner wanted to be on the marriage in x timeframe path, the other wanted to keep the status quo. Much like Anachronism with the “I love you, want to progress our relationship, but I’m not ready to get engaged” situation. I got no advice beyond a little patience. You know better than we do if she is a sulker, rebounds quickly or slowly, how she deals with change, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/112 "2010-07-10T05:41:06Z")
Didn’t read the whole thread, just came in to say that a good and easy way out of this dilemma might be to give her a book like[this](http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/1565076370/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1)or [this](http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/0891099468/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1) before the trip, with the heartfelt comment that you want to use the time together on the trip to talk about the questions the book posed (which are, in essence, the ones \*\*Heart of Dorkness \*\*posed in her excellent post). ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/113 "2010-07-10T05:59:48Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > Didn’t read the whole thread, just came in to say that a good and easy way out of this dilemma might be to give her a book like[this](http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/1565076370/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1)or [this](http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/0891099468/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1) before the trip I don’t understand how you could possibly think this is a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/114 "2010-07-10T07:20:37Z")
Well, if presented right, it would mean: " I want us to be married at some point. And let’s use this time together to talk about important issues we need to have talked over before comitting, so we will have the best possible marriage if we choose to get married" . If I was the OP’s girlfriend, I would find that both romantic and realistic, and I would enjoy talking about our future life together on a romantic trip. And the book would give us a format to talk. ---
**Author:** ![Girl\_From\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3da27b/32.png) [@Girl\_From\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girl_From_Mars)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/115 "2010-07-10T08:17:02Z")
On the other hand, he really shouldn’t be saying the next step is marriage (which nice as the idea is, is what this might suggest) if it’s not a step he’s ready to take. I’m also surprised to read that you’ve moved in together. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d take that as a prior step to getting married too - certainly a very serious move. I can see why you might seem to be backing down from a direction she thought you were both going in. That’s not to say that broaching the subject was wrong - it’s just unfortunate that your expectations were so wildly different to hers. Only time will tell whether she thinks that’s something she can live with, but I don’t think you’ve done the wrong thing by raising this now. But one thing - why plan a gondola ride if you’re not going to propose? I thought that shit was only for soppy romantic proposal stories, not something you do for a good time. ---
**Author:** ![Anachronism](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@Anachronism](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anachronism)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/116 "2010-07-10T13:23:31Z")
> [@Girl\_From\_Mars](#): > > On the other hand, he really shouldn’t be saying the next step is marriage (which nice as the idea is, is what this might suggest) if it’s not a step he’s ready to take. > > I’m also surprised to read that you’ve moved in together. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d take that as a prior step to getting married too - certainly a very serious move. I can see why you might seem to be backing down from a direction she thought you were both going in. > > That’s not to say that broaching the subject was wrong - it’s just unfortunate that your expectations were so wildly different to hers. Only time will tell whether she thinks that’s something she can live with, but I don’t think you’ve done the wrong thing by raising this now. > > But one thing - why plan a gondola ride if you’re not going to propose? I thought that shit was only for soppy romantic proposal stories, not something you do for a good time. I saw moving in together as a big step forward but not as ‘we’re going to get engaged very soon’. It was her idea - we spend a lot of time together and the moving in was presented as ‘we can spend more time together and don’t have to travel back and forth to each others places all the time’ As a side note, why does wanting something often make people behave in a way that reduces their chances of getting it? And we kind of made up but things don’t feel very good ☹ ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/117 "2010-07-10T14:27:54Z")
> [@Anachronism](#): > > I love you and I love our relationship but I’m not ready to get engaged right now. Right… But I mean, how did you bring it up? Did you sit her down and act like you were telling her she had leukemia (“I’m gonna tell you something and you’re not gonna like it”) or did you start it more like, “Hey, where do you see us in a year or two? Married? That’s definitely something I’m looking forward to once we’re really ready but I’m just not at that point right now?” ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/118 "2010-07-10T14:52:53Z")
> [@Anachronism](#): > > And we kind of made up but things don’t feel very good ☹ That’s part and parcel of learning conflict management with another person. The goal is to learn how to have differences of opinion that don’t bruise. ---
**Author:** ![Anachronism](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@Anachronism](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anachronism)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/119 "2010-07-10T15:11:12Z")
> [@Girl\_From\_Mars](#): > > But one thing - why plan a gondola ride if you’re not going to propose? I thought that shit was only for soppy romantic proposal stories, not something you do for a good time. People don’t do romantic things when they are dating? ---
**Author:** ![BigBertha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@BigBertha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigBertha)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862/120 "2010-07-10T15:18:16Z")
> [@Anachronism](#): > > I saw moving in together as a big step forward but not as ‘we’re going to get engaged very soon’. It was her idea ’ > > ☹ Ah. It should’ve been a joint idea. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/romantic-trip-planned-my-gf-is-expecting-me-to-propose-but-im-not-ready-to/545862.md?page=7)