# Roommates Suck **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 25, 2007, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645 "2007-11-25T00:10:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/1 "2007-11-25T00:10:46Z")
Okay, so a few months ago my roommate and I meet this guy. We both think he is very nice and we like him so he becomes a friend. We hang out together all the time. Our new friend decided months ago he was into me and asked me out. After discussing it with my roommate who tells me she is romantically interested in him I decided no, I won’t date him after all. It wouldn’t be worth it to hurt her. Doesn’t mean I am not attracted to him or that I don’t want to be with him, but I step aside out of respect for our friendship. At least half a dozen times in the last 4 months she and I have talked about how I want to date him but so does she and isn’t that quite a conundrum so I do nothing about it. He still hangs out all the time and spends Thanksgiving with us since he has no family left and we are just like the fucking three musketeers. Well now he has asked her out. Turns out he is into both of us after all. And she has all but jumped into his pants. She doesn’t care that I am into him too and stepped aside so that she wouldn’t be hurt, because after all, it might be twoo wuv and she can’t ignore that. :rolleyes: When she and I are discussing this she tells me she is sorry and offers me money and offers to let me hit her in hopes that I will feel better. WHAT THE HELL?!? This is about the rudest thing ever, that she would knowingly cause me emotional pain and then try to buy her way out of it. And he is even worse, knowing all this would go down and still pursuing it anyway. They both piss me the hell off. I am sick and fucking tired of people and their bullshit and the fact that she has so little respect for me that she would pull this crap and that he would even bring it up at all in the first place. And most of all I am pissed off at myself for not seeing this coming. I hate that it bothers me that they are dating and I hate that I didn’t go out with him months ago since she doesn’t seem to give a flying fuck about how I feel. I have enough issues with dating in general and this is not helping. And now I just want to kick her out and never talk to her again since this isn’t the first time she has gone out of her way to hurt me since we have lived together but I can’t bring myself to be mean to her about it at all. God I hate people sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Southern\_Yankee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/southern_yankee/32/2800_2.png) [@Southern\_Yankee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Southern_Yankee)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/2 "2007-11-25T00:17:37Z")
That sucks, sorry. You = good Her = bad ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/3 "2007-11-25T00:23:57Z")
I’m sure some folks will come in and say otherwise, but I think this goes to show that you guys aren’t that good of friends anyway. Clearly, you thought you guys had a close relationship that wasn’t there. So, I’d just step away from it and let her have what she wants. Cut your losses, find some better friends. ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/4 "2007-11-25T00:28:43Z")
Is this the guy that you “accidentally” showed a boob to? 😃 > [@pbbth](#): > > offers me money and offers to let me hit her in hopes that I will feel better :eek: Then you say you can’t bring yourself to _be mean to her_? Trust me, you wouldn’t be mean to her by kicking her out and cutting her off–you’d be doing yourself and her a favor. ---
**Author:** ![ThirdCultureKid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbce88/32.png) [@ThirdCultureKid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThirdCultureKid)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/5 "2007-11-25T00:33:26Z")
Any chance you can steal the bastard from the bitch, rub her nose in it, then cruelly dump him? Just brainstorming here. (and no, I’m not advocating this as a course of action, this is merely the kind of revenge-fanstasy that would occupy my mind) ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/6 "2007-11-25T00:33:49Z")
What \*\*Diosa \*\*said, pretty much. It’d be one thing if he’d asked her first and she disregarded your wishes then but that she accepted his advances after you turned him down just to be fair to her shows that she doesn’t think much, if anything of you at all. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/7 "2007-11-25T00:38:14Z")
[QUOTE=ThirdCultureKid] Any chance you can steal the bastard from the bitch, rub her nose in it, then cruelly dump him? Just brainstorming here. (and no, I’m not advocating this as a course of action, this is merely the kind of revenge-fanstasy that would occupy my mind) [/QUOTE] I’m a bad person, but this is what I’d probably end up doing. I mean, it’d all be part of my plan to dump the biotch as a friend, but I’m a bitter person. ---
**Author:** ![Yag\_Rannavach](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/858c86/32.png) [@Yag\_Rannavach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yag_Rannavach)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/8 "2007-11-25T00:42:06Z")
Umm…I must be missing something here. You tell your roommate that you want to date new guy, but aren’t going to because she also wants to date new guy. Then she goes ahead and dates new guy. Where is the lack of respect to you? You turned down new guy, citing your roommate’s desires to date him as the reason. Well, shit, if I were your roommate and you told me that you wanted to date someone but weren’t going to because I wanted to date them I’d go for them. I’d assume that you were standing aside to give me a chance first, for whatever reason. Besides that…what kind of sense does “I want to date you, but so does my rommate, so neither of us are going to” make? ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/9 "2007-11-25T00:50:52Z")
[QUOTE=Yag Rannavach] Besides that…what kind of sense does “I want to date you, but so does my rommate, so neither of us are going to” make? [/QUOTE] It makes perfect sense. Your friendship means more than fucking some guy and potentially hurting the other person’s feelings. There are a lot of guys, ones you both wont have a shared interest in. Now, if the one person says, “Look, I think he’s cool, but you go ahead and date him,” then it’s ok (obviously). It sounds like the OP simply said, “I like him, but I know you do too so I wont pursue it.” Methinks she assumed her friend would act similarly. ---
**Author:** ![Yag\_Rannavach](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/858c86/32.png) [@Yag\_Rannavach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yag_Rannavach)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/10 "2007-11-25T01:01:09Z")
[QUOTE=DiosaBellissima] It makes perfect sense. Your friendship means more than fucking some guy and potentially hurting the other person’s feelings. There are a lot of guys, ones you both wont have a shared interest in. [/QUOTE] Make the guy offlimits to both of you because you both have an interest in him. That way, neither of you get what you want. It would make more sense to say either “you date him first” or “I date him first”, or even “you can date him but send his friends my way”…or something that has some kind of gain for both of you, instead of just a loss. > [@](#): > > “I like him, but I know you do too so I wont pursue it.” Methinks she assumed her friend would act similarly. That’s probably what she assumed, otherwise this thread wouldn’t have been started, but if I were her friend I would have assumed that meant I was free to date him. After all, if you’re not dating because I want to, well, that means you’re leaving the prospect open to me. ---
**Author:** ![hawksgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@hawksgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hawksgirl)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/11 "2007-11-25T01:04:28Z")
[QUOTE=Yag Rannavach] Make the guy offlimits to both of you because you both have an interest in him. That way, neither of you get what you want. [/QUOTE] And you keep your friendship instead of creating drama and awkwardness for everyone. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/12 "2007-11-25T01:11:11Z")
[QUOTE=Yag Rannavach] That’s probably what she assumed, otherwise this thread wouldn’t have been started, but if I were her friend I would have assumed that meant I was free to date him. After all, if you’re not dating because I want to, well, that means you’re leaving the prospect open to me. [/QUOTE] It may seem odd, but what I described is pretty much the way it has worked with every group of friends I’ve ever had. It’s my understanding that such a way is the standard for most groups of females. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/13 "2007-11-25T01:11:29Z")
I’m so glad I’m not in my twenties anymore. Look, there’s an old saying: “All’s fair in love and war.” This isn’t to say that it’s _actually_ fair and just and all that. Only that the only way you’re going to survive this sort of emotional calamity is to shrug and let it go. This is the age when people learn that there are consequences to their behavior and choices. This is also when our characters do a great deal of forming. Either your roommate will come to her senses and realize that she did you dirty, or she will continue to justify her actions to you and herself. You really don’t have any control over which way she’ll go. The only thing you control is how you’re going to behave. So, take a moment to consider who you want to be and what kind of character you wish to display. Do you want to be bitter? A pushover? Obsessed with the wrongs done to you? Well, you can be all that with very little effort. But, if you want to be dignified and classy, that takes more effort. ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/14 "2007-11-25T02:02:16Z")
[QUOTE=fetus] Is this the guy that you “accidentally” showed a boob to? [/QUOTE] Which member are you referring to? I can think of two in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/15 "2007-11-25T02:50:39Z")
Is this type of behavior now common in the twentysomethings? I’m old (45). Please tell me no… ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/16 "2007-11-25T02:55:39Z")
Man, I’m glad I don’t have roommates. Too much agita. This way, when I do meet a guy I actually care about (a rarity), I don’t have to worry about anyone’s feelings but my own. It totally makes up for the inability to send someone out to Duane Reade when I need KY or tampons or Pepto Bismol. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/17 "2007-11-25T02:56:46Z")
Maybe “all’s fair in love and war” but the phrase “bros before hos” was invented for a reason too, and applies to everyone no matter what gender is implied in the phrasing. I just can’t believe she would risk our friendship over the possibility of a guy. I can’t fathom putting a man between myself and a friend and the fact that she is willing to do that screams of selfishness that knows no bounds. And I talked to him about it briefly and all he could say for himself was, “I didn’t plan this, I promise.” Asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/18 "2007-11-25T03:05:35Z")
[QUOTE=pbbth] Maybe “all’s fair in love and war” but the phrase “bros before hos” was invented for a reason too, and applies to everyone no matter what gender is implied in the phrasing. I just can’t believe she would risk our friendship over the possibility of a guy. I can’t fathom putting a man between myself and a friend and the fact that she is willing to do that screams of selfishness that knows no bounds. And I talked to him about it briefly and all he could say for himself was, “I didn’t plan this, I promise.” Asshole. [/QUOTE] Wait, wait. Didn’t you not do anything because she expressed an interest in him? Isn’t that a “Go” signal? And now that that interest has come to fruition, you’re pissed? I swear, I’ll never understand this sort of gamemanship. ---
**Author:** ![Rhubarb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/59ef9b/32.png) [@Rhubarb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhubarb)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/19 "2007-11-25T03:12:12Z")
\ [QUOTE=pbbth] Maybe “all’s fair in love and war” but the phrase “bros before hos” was invented for a reason too, and applies to everyone no matter what gender is implied in the phrasing. [/QUOTE] The phrase you are looking for is “Sisters before Misters”. Also, your roommate is being a selfish bitch. When that relationship ends, as it almost certainly will, she’ll likely try to patch things up with you. This is when you have the opportunity to show her what true friendship really means. Or to crush her soul like an eggshell. Hmmm, decisions, decisions … ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2007, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/20 "2007-11-25T03:17:00Z")
It was pretty shallow of her to ask you not to date him, and it’s shallow of you to resent her for dating him. I’m sorry for the fatherly tone here, but it sounds like you seriously need to reconsider how you pick your friends, and what kind of friend you are. You aren’t supposed to seek people out based on how much they’re willing to coddle you and twist about in order to accomodate you. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645.md?page=2)