# Roommates Suck **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 25, 2007, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645 "2007-11-25T00:10:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/101 "2007-11-27T14:32:27Z")
[QUOTE=acsenray] The guy sounds perfectly reasonable to me. He didn’t go for the roommate until _after_ the OP said no. He didn’t lead either of them on and he didn’t try to date both of them on the sly. There’s no shame in that game. The girl who turns you down has no bearing whatsoever on the girl you ask next time. [/QUOTE] It still doesn’t make him a good catch. It doesn’t seem the least bit distasteful for a guy to go after the roommate of a girl he’s expressed interest in once she spurns him? Now that more of the story has come to light, like the age difference and his discussions with the roommate about the relationship, do you still agree his actions were admirable? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/102 "2007-11-27T15:14:53Z")
[QUOTE=Lionne] It still doesn’t make him a good catch. [/quote] In my view, it has absolutely no bearing on what kind of a catch he might or might not be. > [@](#): > > It doesn’t seem the least bit distasteful for a guy to go after the roommate of a girl he’s expressed interest in once she spurns him? Not in the least. > [@](#): > > Now that more of the story has come to light, like the age difference and his discussions with the roommate about the relationship, do you still agree his actions were admirable? Admirable? I view this particular action (going for the roommate after being spurned) as entirely neutral. Whether he is a good person in general or a good potential boyfriend is judgable by other factors, but this one has no bearing on it. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/103 "2007-11-27T15:24:21Z")
Also, “a good catch” is probably not what a 19-year-old needs. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/104 "2007-11-27T15:35:11Z")
[QUOTE=saoirse] Also, “a good catch” is probably not what a 19-year-old needs. [/QUOTE] Doesn’t need a 32-year-old loser who grabbed her as a consolation prize, either. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/105 "2007-11-27T15:52:19Z")
Whatever this guy’s qualities, he seemed to be attractive enough such that both the OP and her roommate were interested. So far as I see it, the OP has absolutely no basis for hating this guy and banning him from her apartment. It’s not like he’s her ex. It’s not like they dated a few times and then things happened. The OP refused (for whatever reason) _any romantic relationship with him at all_. She has absolutely no moral authority over his next choice. Her roommate, her best friend, her sister, her mother, her daughter. They’re all legitimate objects of his affection. ---
**Author:** ![Polymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f14d63/32.png) [@Polymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polymer)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/106 "2007-11-27T17:27:52Z")
[QUOTE=pbbth] She would have to rent out the room to a stranger and I doubt she could do that since every stick of furniture in the apartment is mine [/QUOTE] Um. Does anyone else see the obvious alternative to her renting to a stranger after pbbth moves out? ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/107 "2007-11-27T17:54:40Z")
He went for the ménage à trois and struck out. Maybe he isn’t humanitarian of the year, but you have to respect his aspiration. It’s the toughest move in the book. I once held a grand slam homerun record, but my record for the ménage is oh for two. The most difficult feat in sports is _nada_ compared to the ménage. Sometimes you just have the whip out your bat and swing for it. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/108 "2007-11-27T18:27:23Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally Posted By **Polymer** > > Um. Does anyone else see the obvious alternative to her renting to a stranger after pbbth moves out? He can’t afford to pay half the rent in our place. He rents a single room from someone about 15 blocks north of us and has serious trouble making the $125 weekly payments for that. His cost of living would almost double by taking over half the rent in our place and that would be his entire monthly earnings. ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/109 "2007-11-27T18:33:58Z")
[QUOTE=pbbth] He can’t afford to pay half the rent in our place. He rents a single room from someone about 15 blocks north of us and has serious trouble making the $125 weekly payments for that. His cost of living would almost double by taking over half the rent in our place and that would be his entire monthly earnings. [/QUOTE] By this point, I think you owe roomie a big dinner out or something - she took this loser off your hands. ---
**Author:** ![Polymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f14d63/32.png) [@Polymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polymer)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/110 "2007-11-27T18:37:24Z")
[QUOTE=pbbth] He can’t afford to pay half the rent in our place. He rents a single room from someone about 15 blocks north of us and has serious trouble making the $125 weekly payments for that. His cost of living would almost double by taking over half the rent in our place and that would be his entire monthly earnings. [/QUOTE] Well, then if it’s really “twoo wuv”, she’ll prob move in with HIM. Or they’ll find a cheap place together. Leaving you with all the bills. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/111 "2007-11-27T19:16:19Z")
[QUOTE=Troy McClure SF] I agree with this. When is it ever a good idea to have everyone involve lose. And I don’t mean “lose” as in competition, but if no one gets anything they want, why do it? The third wheel may be upset, but should come around and be happy for their friends finding happiness in each other. God knows I have more than a few times. [/QUOTE] While i think that this is a pretty decent general principle, it’s one that should be based on a mutual understanding of the terms. In the case we have here, the OP’s room-mate KNEW that the OP was turning the guy down ONLY because the roomie liked him too. What the roomie should have done at this stage was said to the OP: “Don’t worry about me. If you like him, then go ahead and see him.” The main problem with this whole scenario, in my opinion, is that the roomie went along with the principle that you don’t date someone your friend likes when she was the third wheel, but then, when the situations were reversed, roomie suddenly decides that it’s OK to date someone your friend likes. The problem here is not specifically that the roomie dated someone her friend liked, but that she essentially changed the rules of their friendship midstream when it was to her advantage. ---
**Author:** ![velvetjones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5f9b8f/32.png) [@velvetjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetjones)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/112 "2007-11-27T19:16:26Z")
**pbbth** I understand how upset you are. I’d be pissed too. At some point, however, you’re going to have to decide how long you’re willing to make yourself miserable over this. Remember your happiness and serenity is coming from inside you. Not from outside. Not from what your friend does or doesn’t do. I realize that you feel hurt and betrayed and disrespected and you have every right to those feelings. Hang on to them as long as you need to. Blow off steam here in the pit as long as you’re feeling like you have no other outlet, but eventually, you’ll want to release those feelings and let them go away. Your mental health and sanity isn’t worth hanging on to this stuff. I’m sorry that this happened to you. I wish you a speedy emotional recovery and hope that you can eventually forgive your friends. Forgiveness will allow you to heal. And keep doing what you’re doing with regard to getting out and meeting people. There is no better revenge than a life well lived. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/113 "2007-11-27T19:24:25Z")
**Polymer** , if we do get to a point where we can’t live together any longer I would recommend she find a place on her own and leave the apartment to me since I can afford it and she really can’t. It would make the most sense that way. I would rather us try to fix the problems we are having than decide to stop living together but if it comes to that I wouldn’t hesitate to pay the bills myself and have a guest bedroom or a library or something in her bedroom. I am furious at her and I am at a point where I am really considering my options but I am not trying to screw her over for the sake of screwing her over. If I were just trying to screw her over I wouldn’t have posted here to vent my anger, I would have done something to hurt her really badly too and that would have been the end of it. This isn’t about him, really, it is about the way she approached the entire situation so soon after a previous issue we had. I hadn’t gotten back to a point where I trusted her yet and this pushed me to a point where I can’t respect or trust her anymore. I would like to get to a point where I can forgive her but after that when she does it again in 6 weeks I am just supposed to forgive her again and again? At what point do you get to separate yourself from this kind of thing without being a bitch for it? And is she really learning about love and friendship or is she just learning, “walking all over **pbbth** is perfectly fine because she will just roll over and take it”? ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/114 "2007-11-27T19:29:16Z")
You seem to be getting angrier as this thread moves on. Surely that’s not healthy. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/115 "2007-11-27T20:00:22Z")
After the perceived slight, in order to smooth things over, the roommate offered the OP money, and offered to let her “hit her”. Note to everyone who isn’t **pbbth**. . .trying to offer advice into a situation where people think like that is futile. They have the brains of children. That is bat shit fucking crazy, coming from a different world kind of nutso. Offered to let me “hit her”? I don’t even care if **pbbth** recognizes that as a crazy thought. To be friends with someone who thinks like that is a sign of insanity in and of itself. What other situations do you use this excellent conflict resolution technique for? “Oh, I forgot to buy light bulbs this week. Sorry. You can hit me if it would make you feel better.” ---
**Author:** ![Polymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f14d63/32.png) [@Polymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polymer)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/116 "2007-11-27T20:11:34Z")
[QUOTE=pbbth] **Polymer** If I were just trying to screw her over I wouldn’t have posted here to vent my anger, I would have done something to **hurt her really badly** too [/QUOTE] Um, are you aware that that is really over the top? “Hurt her badly”? Geez, at your ages it’s just two immature girls squabbling over a boy. Get over it. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/117 "2007-11-27T20:21:27Z")
Jesus Christ, for the last time **this isn’t about the guy, it is about the way the situation was handled.** And it did hurt, very badly, so much so that I sobbed, because she felt that my feelings were so unimportant that hurting me for the second time in less than 2 months was inconsequential. If I just wanted revenge I would have taken revenge and no one on the dope would have been the wiser. That is all I was saying. This has nothing to do with squabbling over a boy, the boy was a catalyst for a much bigger issue. If she wanted him and had come to me and said, “Hey I think he is into me. Would it bother you if I dated him?” and I had some time to think about it this never would have been an issue in the first place and they could be cozied up together in front of the television right now. ---
**Author:** ![Polymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f14d63/32.png) [@Polymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polymer)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/118 "2007-11-27T22:19:04Z")
[QUOTE=pbbth] This has nothing to do with squabbling over a boy, [/QUOTE] May I quote from your original post? _"it bothers me that they are dating and I hate that I didn’t go out with him months ago "_ Yes, the choice of green font was deliberate. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cattitude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@Cattitude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cattitude)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/119 "2007-11-27T22:23:03Z")
[QUOTE=pbbth] And it did hurt, very badly, so much so that I sobbed, because she felt that my feelings were so unimportant that hurting me for the second time in less than 2 months was inconsequential. . [/QUOTE] Understandeable. However, this young chickie poo is certifiable AND toxic. Bad combination. She doesn’t sound like she is good to herself so how can she be good to you? It seems like the best thing for you would be to live alone as you said in an earlier post. She’s going to have to get her act together without you. ---
**Author:** ![susan\_foster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d9b06d/32.png) [@susan\_foster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan_foster)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2007, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645/120 "2007-11-27T23:01:33Z")
Personally, I don’t think anyone described in this scenario is sane. OP puts up with a 19-year old who makes outrageous claims. 19-year-old seems incredibly immature/crazy. Guy is 35, having moony conversations about “love that isn’t meant to be” - then chases after roommate. Susan [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/roommates-suck/427645.md?page=7)