# RSVP etiquette **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 2, 2011, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rsvp-etiquette/580508 "2011-05-02T19:55:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rsvp-etiquette/580508/21 "2011-05-04T19:42:57Z")
> [@rekkah](#): > > I would disagree with this. Anytime before the day, definitely the bride or groom should be contacted, but they have more than enough to think about on the morning. Someone else (best man/bridesmaid/family member) should be asked to pass on the message at an appropriate point.\ Yeah, that would work, too. I’m just thinking about a situation where a person (or a couple) can’t make it on very short notice, and there may be shuffling of reception places (or speeches) or something that need to be done because of it - I’d rather know about it as soon as possible and decide if it’s a big deal or not myself. ---
**Author:** ![rekkah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ee59a6/32.png) [@rekkah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rekkah)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rsvp-etiquette/580508/22 "2011-05-04T23:39:53Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Yeah, that would work, too. I’m just thinking about a situation where a person (or a couple) can’t make it on very short notice, and there may be shuffling of reception places (or speeches) or something that need to be done because of it - I’d rather know about it as soon as possible and decide if it’s a big deal or not myself. OK, well if it’s someone who is actually giving a speech then the bride and groom need to know, but otherwise I would err on the side of not giving them extra stress. On the morning of our wedding I was pretty frazzled trying to finish writing my speech, deal with the house full of relatives, my dad getting all emotional, getting my hair and make-up done, having something to eat, getting the dress on (took ages because my bridesmaid insisted on doing all of the million buttons), getting photos taken and the best man helpfully phoning me to tell me he didn’t know where the groom was (he meant well, but not his finest hour!). Phone calls from other guests would have been extra stress I didn’t need. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Lovely\_Margo\_Lane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/34f0e0/32.png) [@The\_Lovely\_Margo\_Lane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Lovely_Margo_Lane)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rsvp-etiquette/580508/23 "2011-05-04T23:53:56Z")
> [@mac\_bolan00](#): > > i suppose you’re right but i also find it thoughtless that they’d invite someone less than a relative or a close friend of the couple. Am I missing something? Are you saying that when you get invited to a wedding by a couple to whom you aren’t sufficiently close, you are irritated enough that you get revenge by RSVP-ing “Yes” then failing to go? If so that is very strange. ---
**Author:** ![mac\_bolan00](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b3f665/32.png) [@mac\_bolan00](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mac_bolan00)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rsvp-etiquette/580508/24 "2011-05-05T00:13:35Z")
i missed the original question. no. if i don’t know both bride and groom, i tell them i will not be able to make but i’ll send my gift and my regards. ---
**Author:** ![mac\_bolan00](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b3f665/32.png) [@mac\_bolan00](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mac_bolan00)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rsvp-etiquette/580508/25 "2011-05-05T00:24:19Z")
> [@Athena](#): > > Really? Around here, the parents of the bride/groom are at least as involved in the wedding as the couple are. After all, the parents are often the ones paying for the party. So the friends of the parents get invited as well, to share in their happiness at marrying off their kid. i don’t know. it might be my catholic upbringing (i might be very wrong there) but the couple is central to the wedding (and i did save up for my own wedding.) i understand latin catholics are much more expansive than i in this respect (remember the wedding scene in the godfather I?) the chinese also like to mix strangers during a wedding, i think. as for me, i prefer a wedding wherein most of us know each other. “oh by the way jack, this is mr. and mrs. blake. they were mike’s and my teachers at bucchanan…” should be the exception. in fact, around our place, weddings often involve just the two families. you have hordes of friends on both sides practically inviting themselves but my advice to the couple is, “tell them it’s strictly family. if they are your friends, they’ll understand. otherwise, they’re not your friends.” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Lovely\_Margo\_Lane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/34f0e0/32.png) [@The\_Lovely\_Margo\_Lane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Lovely_Margo_Lane)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rsvp-etiquette/580508/26 "2011-05-05T00:26:32Z")
Ah, that makes a lot more sense. As for needing an ‘excuse’ to RSVP ‘no’, I don’t even think it’s necessary. Simply saying ‘sorry, can’t make it’ is perfectly proper in my book. If you have a very close relationship perhaps more detail might be indicated, but you’re under no obligation to attend or give an excuse simply because someone invited you. Heck, I don’t even think you’re obligated to send a gift! I send a gift if it’s a couple I am close to, such that I would attend if I could, or one I feel an obligation to such as a younger relative (cousin at this point, niece or nephew in the future). Often those invites from distant acquaintances are simple courtesy invites. I know I ended up inviting perhaps a dozen folks I’d never even met, all at my mother’s request (cousins and old friends of hers). None of them came, a few sent nice cards and one sent a gift. I felt strange about the gift but I sent a thank you card and considered it a tribute to my mom. It’s only once you got yourself on the catering list/seating chart by RSVP-ing ‘yes’ that you are under an obligation to attend and would need an ‘excuse’ not to. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rsvp-etiquette/580508.md?page=1)