# Rufus Xavier: A Retrospective **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 5, 2005, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rufus-xavier-a-retrospective/297898 "2005-04-05T20:08:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2005, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rufus-xavier-a-retrospective/297898/1 "2005-04-05T20:08:24Z")
50 weeks and 2000 posts. OK, for the most part I’ve not had a huge impact on these boards. I guess there’s maybe a couple dozen Dopers at most that recognize my name, less than half of whom actually remember anything I ever posted. So, I thought I’d take the opportunity to look back over the last year or so and showcase some of the stuff I did that I thought was pretty cool. At the bottom I put up links to 20 threads I contributed to but should really be read in their entirety due to the brilliance of the Doper community. My first post, from April 20, 2004, concerned the origin of my username: > [@](#): > > My favorite Schoolhouse Rock song is about pronouns, and the ‘protagonist’ (if you will) of the song is named Rufus Xavier Sarsparilla. Over the year, I’ve revealed some personal stuff like: > [@](#): > > I threw up in my mother-in-law’s purse once. > [@](#): > > I remember being terrified of going to kindergarten. I imagined it was like a chain gang, with a line of thirsty, crying, dirty-faced 5-year-olds with hoes and shovels, gardening in the hot sun! > Imagine my relief when the reality turned out to be a lot better than I imagined. At least ‘high’ school lived up to its name… > [@](#): > > My daughter and I were playing Candyland, and I was one square away from winning, and then I pulled the Plumpy card. My daughter did a dance of joy. “In your face, daddy! Now I’m going to win!” > And she did. > She’s definitely a powergamer. > [@](#): > > In my case, there are year-round tourist attractions within 10 miles in every possible direction from me. Nothing to do but try to go with the flow (in a manner of speaking. FLOW isn’t a very apt description of the normal movement of the average tourist. more like go with the unexpected and random dead stop). I’m not good with snappy comebacks, but I am proud of this one: > [@Rodd Hill](#): > > Idiots with exotic pets really piss me off…want to compensate for some personal inadequacy, Bub? Get a muscle car and leave some poor, dumb animal where it belongs. > [@Rufus Xavier](#): > > …crushed to death under the wheels of your muscle car. One thing I like to do is compose skits. I’m not about to contact Kelsey Grammer or anything, but some of these, if I do say so myself, are quite clever: > [@](#): > > Waitress: Hi! welcome to the Ultra-Snooty, 4-star Fodor’s Guide, Wine and Beer Bar! Would you like to see a menu? > Guy: Um, sure. > Waitress: Too bad! We don’t have one! We’re much too sophisticated for that! What can I get you to drink? > Girl: I don’t care for beer or wine, so I’ll just have…milk. > (7 people within earshot suddenly gasp loudly and the whole room falls silent) > Girl: Errrr, that is, I mean, I’ll have…a…club soda? > (crickets chirping) > Girl: With a lime wedge. > (the room sound returns to normal) > Guy: Whew. For a minute there, I thought you were an unsophisticated simpleton. > Waitress: What would you like, sir? > Guy: I’ll have a Zima. > [@](#): > > Host: Name something you put on your cornflakes. > **harmless** : asbestos. > Host: no, come on. something real. > **harmless** : asbestos is real. > Host: name something live human beings put on their cornflakes. > **harmless** : stachybotris. > Host: I quit. > [@](#): > > A brief scene from The Bible, by Quentin Tarantino: > Seporah: Whose cart is this? > Moses: It’s a chariot, baby. > Seporah: Whose chariot is this? > Moses: It’s Pharaoh’s. > Seporah: Who’s Pharaoh? > Moses: Pharaoh’s dead, baby. Pharaoh’s dead. > [@](#): > > A scene from Teletubbies go to Perris Island (with apologies to Stanley Kubrick): > Drill Sergeant: Listen up, herd. You maggots had better start looking like United States Marine Corps recruits. Do not think for one second that you are Marines. You just dropped by to pick up a set of dress blues. Am I right, ladies?" > LaLa: La la! > Drill Sergeant: Private La La… I like you. You can come over to my house and f\*\*k my sister. > (He grins. He punches LaLa in the stomach. ) > (LaLa sinks to his(it’s?) knees. The other teletubbies twitter in consternation, put their hands to their faces, bounce around in terror, etc.) > [@](#): > > The Ten Commandments Christmas > Joshua: Merry Christmas, Moses! Well? Aren’t you going to open your gift? > Moses: What the hell are you talking about? > Joshua: You know! Christmas? Santa? Elves? Birth of Jesus? > Moses: I think you’ve been eating tainted rye seed again. Most of my jokes fall flat, but a few of them still meake me chuckle: > [@](#): > > cCmon, folks. The worst way to have a pop tart would to have it stapled to your heart. Or possibly: Fired from a shotgun directly into your face. > [@](#): > > You know, once you’re recognized as the world’s oldest living person, it’s all downhill from there. No one is going to pass you; you will remain the WOLP for the rest of your life. The only reason to keep on living is to shoot for the all-time record. Now, if you’re the World’s Second Oldest Living Person, you have some incentive to hang in there. In fact, if you weren’t so dagnabbed tired all the time, you just might want to pay a visit to the WOLP and see how strong their ticker is. > [@](#): > > It’s much more likely that I will be seen hopping down Wilshire Boulevard wearing Gene Siskel’s Saturday Night Fever suit, sporting a Maori face tatoo and firing an Uzi than it is that I will be seen in a karaoke bar. > How 'bout Saturday? > [@](#): > > This is a lovely full-bodied wine, with a slightly acidic mouthfeel and a hint of poison oak and rotten turnips. It is best to serve this with amanita, slime mold, or other fungus. > [@](#): > > ‘Could be Worse’ - New National Motto! From the thread titled “ **I’m All Alone and Nobody Loves Me** ” > [@](#): > > Hey, it’s OK. I’m here. What do you wanna do? Here, have a beer. Isn’t that good? Come on, let’s play some foosball. Do you have a quarter? Oops, my ride’s here. Gotta go. Bye! Love ya! I do enjoy writing song parodies. Here’s my favorite: From the thread about a guy in a town called Aiken who robbed a bank with a pitchfork (to the tune of the “Green Acres” theme song): > [@](#): > > Greeeeeeeeeeeen Aiken is the place to be > Bank robbin’ is the life for me > Fed’ral property’s what I like the best > Gimme your money or I’ll stab you in the chest And my favorite Haiku, a triptych Monkey Haiku composed in honor of the Re-election of President Bush: > [@](#): > > Curious George snatched > the book and scampered away > towards the White House > > “Come back! Come back!” cried > the man in the yellow hat > starting to pursue > > “They haven’t finished > swearing you in!” yelled Cheney, > but George paid no mind Well, it may appear as if I am tooting my own horn, and I am, but I do have some cites handy that some other Dopers have occasionally taken notice of my work and taken the time to show their appreciation: > [@booka](#): > > A well-crafted rant that honors this board. > Well done. > [@Loach](#): > > I’m speechless. Bravo > [@Boy Sout11](#): > > I see we are in agreement on these points. > [@Jurph](#): > > Rufus Xavier, you’re my effing hero. Can I buy you a drink, or are you already over the limit? Well, my 2,001st post is almost done. Let me leave you with my 20 favorite threads in which feel I did some of my best work; in these threads, however, many many other Dopers shine brilliantly, which makes each entire thread entertaining reading: [Replace one word of a movie quote with the word “underpants”](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=253333) 4/27/2004 [Flip Answers to General Questions…](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=253832) 04/30/2004 [Let’s all write a story! C’mon, it’ll be fun!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=4820805) 5/2/2004 [The Really Bad Advice thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=255352) 5/9/2004 [Scientifical laws about foodstuffs](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=258570) 5/27/2004 [What The Hell Is That?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=258660) 5/28/2004 [Nightmares and dreams of a dork](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=259440) 6/2/2004 [Going grocery shopping…](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=259420) 6/2/2004 [Inane Brane Teasers!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=259643) 6/3/2004 [If life gives you lemons…](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=263184) 6/23/2004 [Texas Dildo Massacre](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=5005008) 6/24/2004 [Change A Letter (Or: the films they SHOULD have made…)](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=264384) 7/1/2004 [FYI: A lady’s corset provides minimal protection against a dildo attack.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=266235) 7/13/2004 [Channel Surfing Game](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=5085591) 7/20/2004 [What’s the title of your autobiography, and the epitaph on your tombstone, gonna be?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=5105191) 7/26/2004 [SDMB Tackiness Contest](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=5186329) 8/20/2004 [How to become moderator?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=5200805) 8/24/2004 [Lame Posts Keep Forming in my Head.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=5209049) 8/27/2004 [“There ARE no stupid questions!” Well, that sounds like a challenge to me. (game)](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=273965) 8/31/2004 [Least Likely Causes of Death in Elephants](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=277891) 9/27/2004 ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2005, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rufus-xavier-a-retrospective/297898/2 "2005-04-05T20:22:12Z")
Impressive! Before **Cajun Man** gets in here: Thanks for sticking around, mate. _snogs, hugs_ 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2005, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rufus-xavier-a-retrospective/297898/3 "2005-04-05T20:54:42Z")
[sub]o[/sub]/[sup]~[/sup]_Meeeeeemorieeeeees…like the coooorneeeers of my_[sub]o[/sub]/[sup]~[/sup]OW! Quit it! Augh! Ok, ok! Enough with the sticks! Oh geez, not the face! Not the oof! OW! OW! ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rufus-xavier-a-retrospective/297898/4 "2005-04-07T03:45:09Z")
> [@Kythereia](#): > > Impressive! Before **Cajun Man** gets in here: > > Thanks for sticking around, mate. _snogs, hugs_ 😉 Snogs right back to you, sweetheart. I will not be posting with anywhere close to the regularity I showed last year, but I am renewing (hell, I already got $50 worth, easy. I figure I’m still ahead), and I will be popping in occasionally to inflict my personality on the Teeming Millions. Fear me. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rufus-xavier-a-retrospective/297898/5 "2005-04-07T03:54:24Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > [sub]o[/sub]/[sup]~[/sup]_Meeeeeemorieeeeees…like the coooorneeeers of my_[sub]o[/sub]/[sup]~[/sup]OW! Quit it! Augh! Ok, ok! Enough with the sticks! Oh geez, not the face! Not the oof! OW! OW! Hal, its “_light_ the corners of my mind”, :smack: Poor baby\< and you sing it so… loud. ---
**Author:** ![Abbie\_Carmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Abbie\_Carmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abbie_Carmichael)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rufus-xavier-a-retrospective/297898/6 "2005-04-07T03:58:37Z")
Aren’t you that guy with a kangaroo? ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_griffin-kentzel/32/14787_2.png) [@Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Griffin-Kentzel)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rufus-xavier-a-retrospective/297898/7 "2005-04-07T09:00:16Z")
[**Notes on Game & Post-Count Padding/Party Threads**](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=231482) **Cajun Man** for the SDMB