# Ruin a joke **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 22, 2005, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411 "2005-06-22T18:38:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Treviathan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@Treviathan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treviathan)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/181 "2005-06-26T16:50:20Z")
A man walks into his psychiatrist’s office. He sits down and says, “Doc, you’ve gotta help me! I keep having these strange dreams at night - first I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee! What does it mean?” “Ahhh,” the psychiatrist replies. “Jungian analysis suggests that dreaming about domiciles means you are feeling instability in your personal life. Tell me, are you having financial problems?” ---
**Author:** ![Dinaroozie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Dinaroozie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinaroozie)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/182 "2005-06-26T17:16:02Z")
Heisenberg is driving his car, and he gets pulled over by a cop. The policeman asks “Do you know how fast you were going?” “I’m not sure, I wasn’t paying attention,” Heisenberg replies. “Sorry.” “I’m afraid you were breaking the speed limit for this area, sir,” says the policeman. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.” “Fair enough,” says Heisenberg. ~ Isaac ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/183 "2005-06-26T22:37:57Z")
**HubZilla’s** ruined joke reminded me of this one: What do the _female_ reindeer do when Santa and his reindeer are away on December 24th? They go into town and perfom fellatio on a few bucks !!! ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/184 "2005-06-26T22:55:32Z")
Doctor, I keep seeing pink spots before my eyes! Have you seen an optician? No, I thought a doctor would be better. There was an old man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket, His daughter, named Joy, Ran off with a boy… That’s not her name, is it? Oh… bother. Doctor, people keep ignoring me! –You should learn to be more assertive, then. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/185 "2005-06-26T23:04:29Z")
What time is it when your clock strikes 13? It means it’s 1PM and you have a clock that’s based on military time. ---
**Author:** ![Axel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6de8d8/32.png) [@Axel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Axel)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/186 "2005-06-26T23:34:12Z")
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains! That’s a most unusual situation, please do tell me more about it. A: Knock knock B: Who’s there? A: Boo B: Boo Whom? A: I meant it in the direct tense, not the accusative. Why couldn’t Jesus have come from Essex? Because Essex is a long way from Bethlehem, and the people of Essex at the time didn’t speak Hebrew. A group of nuns are working in a garden. A passing donkey is in an accident. The donkey’s dick is chopped off and flies into the nuns’ garden. One nun turns to the other and says, ‘Oh, poor donkey. I wonder if surgery would help?’ ---
**Author:** ![Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunshine_and_Smiles)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/187 "2005-06-27T01:57:12Z")
What do you call a deer with no eyes? A blind deer. What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? A blind deer with no legs. Knock Knock Who’s there? Banana Banana who? Just plain Banana. ---
**Author:** ![Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunshine_and_Smiles)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/188 "2005-06-27T01:58:41Z")
Did you hear about the lawyer? He was a morally upstanding man who rescued many from unfair accusations. A rabbi, a priest, and a stripper go into a bar. The rabbi and the stripper both agree it would be immoral for the night to continue, so they say farewell and leave. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/189 "2005-06-27T02:04:27Z")
> [@Sunshine and Smiles](#): > > A rabbi, a priest, and a stripper go into a bar. The rabbi and the stripper both agree it would be immoral for the night to continue, so they say farewell and leave. What did the priest do? ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/190 "2005-06-27T02:16:11Z")
I get sufficient respect, all things considered. ---
**Author:** ![mamboman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecb155/32.png) [@mamboman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mamboman)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/191 "2005-06-27T02:38:05Z")
My wife’s so fat, when she sits around the house she eats high fat, high carbohydrate snacks all day Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he had poor impulse control ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/192 "2005-06-27T02:46:12Z")
A man goes to the doctor: Doctor: Mr. Jones, I’m afraid you have cancer. Man: I’d like a second opinion. Doctor: That’s an excellent idea. Let me know what you find out. Perhaps I made a mistake. ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/193 "2005-06-27T03:39:57Z")
Costello: Okay so if I’m playing on this baseball team, and the batter hits a ground ball to me, I’d pick it up and throw it to whom? ---
**Author:** ![nivlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@nivlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nivlac)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/194 "2005-06-27T04:12:14Z")
Can’t believe no one has posted one of the all-time classics …; How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His hips are moving. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/195 "2005-06-27T04:34:34Z")
Since his son got good grades, a father wants to give him a suitable gift, and ask his son what he would like. The son answers : “a green ping-pong ball”. His father is surprised, and asks him : “why do you want a green ping-pong ball? Wouldn’t you prefer… a car, for instance?” The son “I guess you’re right, dad. I’m not sure why I wanted a green ping-pong ball. I’d rather have a car”. Then, he suddenly dies from a heart attack. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/196 "2005-06-27T10:33:49Z")
Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at a table in a café The waitress asks him if he’d like a drink He replies “No thanks, I have one already” ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/197 "2005-06-27T10:37:08Z")
A man walks into a pub He says “Ouch!” It was an iron pub! ---
**Author:** ![Farmwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8dc957/32.png) [@Farmwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmwoman)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/198 "2005-06-27T12:01:21Z")
Tell the people to have a good night, Gracie. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/199 "2005-06-27T12:16:45Z")
Two guys are in a bar. One of them is complaining about his job. “I just wanted to be in show business. So I joined a circus. Now all day I have to clean up after the elephants. All I do all day is sweep up elephant shit.” Second guy says: Why don’t you quit? First guy says: Yes, I noticed the “Help wanted” sign in the window. I’d be a good bartender." So he applied, got the job, and left show business. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/200 "2005-06-27T13:38:01Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > “Doctor, doctor, will I ever play the violin again?” > > “That depends. Did you play it before?” > > “Well, no, not really.” Okay, I may be posting prematurely here, but that is really funny based on an experience of mine. A while back I broke my hand and had to have surgery and all that. After the surgery, at my first visit to my new doctor (not the one who put it in a cast and making the other doctore have to re-break my hand to get it right), I asked him how long until I’d be able to type again. The most annoyed, tired expression came over his face. “Why? Because you couldn’t type before?” he said. “No, seriously. I have to type for my job,” I said. I don’t know why, but it makes me laugh. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411.md?page=11)