# Ruin a joke **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 22, 2005, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411 "2005-06-22T18:38:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/201 "2005-06-27T14:15:03Z")
What’s white and comes in brownies? Marshmallows. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/202 "2005-06-27T14:16:22Z")
Johnny Fuckerfaster brought a girl down to hisasement and started making love to her. She told him “Hurry up! Your mom might walk in at any minute!” So he started hurrying. She told him “Faster! Faster!” So he sped up more and more. Finally the door opened. It was his mother. She shouted, “Johnny! Johnny Fuckerfaster!” He replied, “I’ll be up in a minute!” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/203 "2005-06-27T14:38:29Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > Bill Clinton was jogging in a private park in Arkansas when he started having chest pains. Two college students, who had illegally entered the park looking for a place to get high, saw him collapse and rushed over. One administered CPR while the other dialed 911 on his cell phone. > > Afterwards, the two students visited Clinton in the hospital. “You boys saved my life,” says the ex-President. “In return, I’d like to grant you each a favor.” > > The first student says, “Well, it’d be nice if that park could be open to the public.” > > “That can be done,” says Clinton. “And you, young man?” > > The second student says, “I’d like to be buried in Arlington Cemetery.” > > “You got it. But if you don’t stop smoking,” Clinton says, “you’ll end up there sooner than you expect.” I, for one, would like to know the REAL punchline to this - thanks! ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/204 "2005-06-27T14:56:24Z")
There was this airplane over the Atlantic on its way to New York. It was full of men from the United Nations. So halfway over the ocean the engines run low on fuel so they have to lighten the plane. So they heave out all the baggage, but it’s still too heavy. So they chuck out the seats, but it’s still too heavy! Finally a Frenchman steps up and shouts “Viva la France” and leaps out. Then an Englishman steps up and shouts `God save the Queen!' and leaps out. But the plane is still too heavy. So the American steps up, shouts, `Fuck the International Court of Justice!’ and chucks out the Nicaraguan. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/205 "2005-06-27T15:04:45Z")
An anteater walks into a bar and orders a drink; the barman says “Why do you look sad?”, the anteater replies “My mother died”. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/206 "2005-06-27T16:14:02Z")
John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender asks “Why the long face?” BECAUSE I LOST THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, STUPID! ---
**Author:** ![Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunshine_and_Smiles)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/207 "2005-06-27T16:16:16Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > What did the priest do? Got plastered and sang “I Will Survive” a few times. ---
**Author:** ![marque\_elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71c47a/32.png) [@marque\_elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marque_elf)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/208 "2005-06-27T18:32:38Z")
A shamus at a synagogue is taking a break from his chores when a congregation member sits down beside him on the front steps. They get to talking and the shamus says “You know that I wasn’t always a shamus. I used to be a wild animal tamer. I entertained presidents and kings. The highlight of the act would be when I stuck my head into the mouth of a man-eating lion. One day, as i was doing this, the lion bit my head off.” “Weren’t you killed?” asked the horrified congregant. “Why, yes. Yes I was.” ;j Actual ending to the joke is available by request. ---
**Author:** ![miamouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@miamouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miamouse)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/209 "2005-06-27T19:54:00Z")
“Poke her? I don’t think she’d appreciate that” ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/210 "2005-06-27T21:00:22Z")
> [@William V.](#): > > I, for one, would like to know the REAL punchline to this - thanks! After the guy asks to be buried at Arlington, Clinton says, “Sure, but you’re young—why are you thinking about where you want to be buried?” “Because when my dad finds out I saved Bill Clinton’s life, he’s going to kill me!” (In the original, it was Nixon swimming at his private beach, and two surfers saved him from the undertow.) ---
**Author:** ![mr\_moonlight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9f8e36/32.png) [@mr\_moonlight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr_moonlight)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/211 "2005-06-27T21:18:53Z")
Man: For the last year, my brother has thought he’s a chicken. Psychiatrist: Why have you waited so long to bring him in? Man: I would have brought him in sooner, but he promised us eggs. Unfortunately, he was unable to produce them. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/212 "2005-06-27T22:20:13Z")
So, is anyone here from Wisconsin? I got thrown in jail in Wisconsin, once. I ate too much cheese. It’s supposed to be “I got locked up in Wisconsin, once.” ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/213 "2005-06-27T23:28:06Z")
A lady walks into a butcher’s shop and asks “Do you keep dripping”; the butcher replies “do you mean rendered animal fat, or are you referring to my incontinence problem?” ---
**Author:** ![Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunshine_and_Smiles)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/214 "2005-06-28T00:02:10Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > So, is anyone here from Wisconsin? > > I got thrown in jail in Wisconsin, once. > > I ate too much cheese. > > It’s supposed to be “I got locked up in Wisconsin, once.” I still don’t get it… ---
**Author:** ![Elvez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8491ac/32.png) [@Elvez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elvez)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/215 "2005-06-28T00:05:20Z")
A penguin is driving a car down a desert highway. He looks down at the dash and sees that his ‘check engine’ light is on, so he pulls off at the nearest town and leaves the car with the local mechanic to find out what’s wrong with the engine. While he’s waiting, the penguin goes over to an ice cream shop and buys a cone of vanilla. Outside in the heat, the ice cream begins melting all over. Because he can’t hold the cone too well with his little flippers, he eventually ends up with vanilla ice cream all over himself. He goes back to the garage to get some paper towels to clean himself up, and while walking through the shop, the mechanic rolls out from under the car, looks at the penguin and says, “It appears that there’s a broken gasket in the engine of your car.” And the penguin says, “Damn, and I’ve got ice cream all over my face too.” ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/216 "2005-06-28T00:11:02Z")
> [@Sunshine and Smiles](#): > > I still don’t get it… Constipated. How many Freudian psychoanalysists does it take to change a lightbulb? 2, one to change the bulb and the other to hold the ladder. Why do Jewish people never eat Germans? Eating people is canabilism and absolutely not kosher. ---
**Author:** ![Elvez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8491ac/32.png) [@Elvez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elvez)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/217 "2005-06-28T00:31:18Z")
The other penguin joke: One penguin says to another penguin, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxido.” And the other penguin says, “I can see how your might think that, because a penguin’s color pattern looks a lot like a tux.” (This is perfect, because I never thought that joke was all that funny to beguin with.) ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/218 "2005-06-28T01:36:42Z")
> [@Sunshine and Smiles](#): > > I still don’t get it… He got “locked up” in Wisconsin, which could mean either that he was thrown in jail or got constipated. It’s more likely for eating too much cheese to result in the second option. (I think the only cheese-related crime in Wisconsin is not liking it. Or refusing to wear a cheesehead hat.) ---
**Author:** ![Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunshine_and_Smiles)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/219 "2005-06-28T02:53:45Z")
Ahhh thanks everyone. I guess I won’t waste a post with idle chatter, so… The Pope and Racquel Welch are in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. The Pope says, “Die sind Bojen nicht.” ---
**Author:** ![mamboman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecb155/32.png) [@mamboman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mamboman)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/220 "2005-06-28T08:06:45Z")
When did the chicken cross the road? mm [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411.md?page=12)