# Ruin a joke **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 22, 2005, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411 "2005-06-22T18:38:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/241 "2005-06-28T17:30:19Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > A man and his family walk into a talent agent’s office. The agent says, “Can I help you?” The man says, “Yes, we’d like to show you our act, we’re called ‘The Aristocrats.’” The agent says, “Go ahead.” The man turns to his wife; she goes to her knees and starts blowing him. His daughter lies on the ground behind the wife and the wife shits in her mouth. The man’s son kills their dog, pulls out its guts, and climbs into its empty body cavity. Then the man pulls his dick out of his wife’s mouth and cums all over everybody. The agent says, “Okay, when are you available?” OK, I’m afriad the real punchline is needed here as well. ---
**Author:** ![Plynck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Plynck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plynck)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/242 "2005-06-28T17:33:25Z")
Let’s try two at once: An old couple is having dinner with another old couple and the two wives have dominated the conversation the entire evening; finally they get up and go into the kitchen. The two old men are left alone with each other, and one old thinks he should say something so he says, “I had the most delicious steak the other night at this restaurant.” And the other guy says, “Sounds good. What was the name of the restaurant?” The first man replies, “Oh darn, um, what’s the name of that popular flower?” “A violet?” “No, it’s the name of the flower you give a woman?!” “Rose?” “Yes! that’s it,” says the first man, and then he yells into the kitchen, “Hey Honey, what’s better than a rose on your piano?” The wife yells back “We don’t own a piano, remember?” “Oh yeah…” says the old man. “Gee I’m getting forgetful.” ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/243 "2005-06-28T17:43:32Z")
Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A. No I fish. Q. What do you call a cow with only two legs? A. Lean Cow. Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? A. Speedy. ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/244 "2005-06-28T19:55:30Z")
How many Polish people does it take to change a lightbulb? One. I suppose you may have been misled into thinking that Polish people are somewhat lacking in knowledge or technical expertise, due to the profusion of mean-spirited ethnic jokes making them the subject of ridicule. Actually, Polish people are quite clever and have made contributions in the fields of literature, science, art and a great many other human endeavors. The author Joseph Conrad and Nobel-Prize Winning physicist Marie Curie were both Polish. ---
**Author:** ![geopburdell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/57b2e6/32.png) [@geopburdell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/geopburdell)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/245 "2005-06-28T20:12:54Z")
> [@Typically Sunday](#): > > A panda goes into a restuarant and orders a salad. When he is done eating, he shoots his waiter. When the waiter asks the panda why he shot him, the panda tells him to look it up the dictionary. The waiter finds the entry for “panda”. > > Pandas: A mammal native to southeast asia. Eats the roots of the bamboo plant. marsupial, not a mammal. But I guess this reply will really ruin the joke. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/246 "2005-06-28T20:19:03Z")
> [@geopburdell](#): > > marsupial, not a mammal. But I guess this reply will really ruin the joke. Especially since a marsupial _is_ a mammal. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/247 "2005-06-28T21:17:00Z")
And Giant Panda is KINGDOM Animalia PHYLUM Vertebrata CLASS Mammalia ORDER Carnivora FAMILY Ursidae GENUS Ailuropoda SPECIES melanoleuca [http://www.zooatlanta.org/animals\_giant\_panda\_learn.htm](http://www.zooatlanta.org/animals_giant_panda_learn.htm) At three replys that makes that joke truly ruined 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/248 "2005-06-28T21:28:59Z")
…I still don’t get it. Actually, I don’t get most of these, not having heard the originals. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/249 "2005-06-28T21:36:09Z")
> [@](#): > > FAMILY Ursidae Well, so much for the “marsupial” theory. Oh, and **sturmhauke** : [spoiler]Supposedly the dictionary entry for panda reads: _Pandas: A mammal native to southeast asia. Eats shoots and leaves._[/spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/250 "2005-06-28T22:05:34Z")
> [@Rufus Xavier](#): > > To **Malacandra** and **Hoopy Frood** (and anyone else who thought, but did not post, what they posted): > > The actual punchline, for those not in the know, is “the American shouted ‘Remember the Alamo!’ and chucked out the Mexican.’” > > I thought for a long time about how to best spoil the joke, whose humor is derived, in part, from the well-known sayings that are associated with specific countries. I thought a fun way to spoil it would be to retain the essential nature of the punchline (the American, rather than sacrifice himself, instead gets rid of someone from a country he holds a grudge against), but change it so that, rather than a well-known saying and a well-known grudge, I employ a very underpublicized grudge (the judgement of the ICJ in favor of Nicaragua over the U. S.) in a sort of ironic twist. I now see that there is still humor in the essential nature of the punchline, so I guess I screwed up. > > I’m sorry that you found it amusing, and I hope that the above analysis of my revised joke will suck any of the residual humor out of the joke completely. No, sorry, I’m still laughing. The main reason I’m still laughing is that I just interpreted the crocked punchline as being a skit on America’s perceived contempt for any brand of international justice that stands in the way of what America wants to do, while as you so ably explain, it is in fact based on a specific grudge that the States have against the ICJ. Since I didn’t know a thing about this, the whole comic turn neatly inverts the classical “Americans are clueless about anything that happens outside their own borders”, as the ignorance was entirely mine. It’s amazing how much amusement you can get out of a deliberately mis-told joke 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Suburban\_Rythm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Suburban\_Rythm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suburban_Rythm)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/251 "2005-06-28T23:38:32Z")
Why do they call it Mad Cow Disease? Because, in contracting the disease, the cow’s neurological functions deteriorate, giving the illusion that the cow has simply gone insane. In fact, the cow has gone into the latter stages of this disease, which is now considered a public health threat in the United States and elsewhere. How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? Through no known means has a dishwasher ever been turned into a snowblower, and I know of no organized effort to do so. However, in theory, one could remove the electric components of the dishwasher and use them to augment an already existing snowblower - but in no way is this “turning” a dishwasher into a snowblower. ---
**Author:** ![hey\_it\_s.that\_guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b77776/32.png) [@hey\_it\_s.that\_guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hey_it_s.that_guy)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/252 "2005-06-29T01:27:35Z")
There’s an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman… nothing much happened really A polar bear walks into a bar… ‘I’d like a Gin and… …Tonic please’ ‘OK’ the barman replies, ‘but why the big pause?’ ‘I was considering which soft drink to add to my alcoholic beverage’ Two nuns sitting in a bath, one says, ‘Where’s the soap?’ The other says ‘i do not know, but would you like to borrow my shower gel instead?’ Why don’t oysters give to charity? The very idea is just nonsense. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/253 "2005-06-29T02:17:39Z")
Okay, okay, I’ve got another one. My friend is a gag-writer in Hollywood, and he invited me to the gag-writer’s convention. We were there in the main auditorium just before the keynote address. Different people there would call out a number, and everyone would start laughing. My friend explained: everyone’s heard all the jokes before, so we’ve assigned them all numbers. All we have to do is call out a number, and it’s the same as telling the joke. I thought I’d try it out. I called out a number, “forty two!” Dead silence. I guess that was one of the numbers that hadn’t been assigned to a joke. Boy, was I embarrassed. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/254 "2005-06-29T02:31:41Z")
Two first graders were out in the playground during recess. “Do you think,” one of them asked, “that thermonuclear missiles can break the speed of sound?” “No,” said the other. "Once the rocket enters the substratosphere – " The bell rang. “There goes the bell,” said the first. “We can discuss this in class.” There once was an Indian chief who was proud of his perfect memory. He made a deal with the devil: if he could show his memory was perfect, he’d get eternal life and untold riches. If not, the devil got his soul. The devil asked one question: “Do you like eggs?” “Yes,” said the Indian chief. Fifty years later, the devil returned, disguised in traditional native garb. He walked up to the chief, raised his hand, and said, “How.” “That’s not a native american greeting,” said the chief. “You watch too many westerns.” I just flew in from Vegas, and boy did it take long to get my luggage. There’s a bus leaving in one hour for Cleveland. Greyhound really provides good service there, doesn’t it? My home town was so small it was built on a one way street. You had to go one block over to turn around. What’s the difference between a rooster and Marilyn Monroe? One says cock-a-doodle-do and the other says “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/255 "2005-06-29T03:25:33Z")
The food on the plane was fit for a king. Here, doggy! A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill. The doctor was unhappy. A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says “You’re crazy and you’re ugly.” The man says “I want a second opinion!” My room is so small, the hunchbacks are mice. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/256 "2005-06-29T03:51:40Z")
Why did the doctor laugh while setting his patient’s broken leg? Because he was a sadist. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/257 "2005-06-29T04:27:36Z")
Q-How to you catch a polar bear? A-Chop a hole in the ice and sprinkle peas around it. When the bear comes to eat the peas, kick him! (_when he comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole_) ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/258 "2005-06-29T08:13:30Z")
> [@Civil Guy](#): > > Okay, okay, I’ve got another one. > > My friend is a gag-writer in Hollywood, and he invited me to the gag-writer’s convention. We were there in the main auditorium just before the keynote address. Different people there would call out a number, and everyone would start laughing. > > My friend explained: everyone’s heard all the jokes before, so we’ve assigned them all numbers. All we have to do is call out a number, and it’s the same as telling the joke. > > I thought I’d try it out. I called out a number, “forty two!” Dead silence. > > I guess that was one of the numbers that hadn’t been assigned to a joke. Boy, was I embarrassed. OK, could someone tell me the real punchline? ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/259 "2005-06-29T08:45:54Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > OK, could someone tell me the real punchline? What? There’s no joke number 42? Sure, there’s one…but you’re suck at telling jokes… ---
**Author:** ![Chanteuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/260 "2005-06-29T11:48:45Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > A man and his family walk into a talent agent’s office. The agent says, “Can I help you?” The man says, “Yes, we’d like to show you our act, we’re called ‘The Aristocrats.’” The agent says, “Go ahead.” The man turns to his wife; she goes to her knees and starts blowing him. His daughter lies on the ground behind the wife and the wife shits in her mouth. The man’s son kills their dog, pulls out its guts, and climbs into its empty body cavity. Then the man pulls his dick out of his wife’s mouth and cums all over everybody. The agent says, “Okay, when are you available?” > [@tdn](#): > > OK, I’m afriad the real punchline is needed here as well. What **tdn** said! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411.md?page=14)