# Ruin a joke **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 22, 2005, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411 "2005-06-22T18:38:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/21 "2005-06-22T19:04:39Z")
Guy goes to his doctor to get the results of his tests. The doctor tells him he has some good news and some bad news. The guy asks what the bad news is and the doctor says, “You’re going to die within a few weeks.” The guy asks, “What’s the good news?” The doctor says, “What?” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/22 "2005-06-22T19:07:10Z")
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? 1:30-ish ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/23 "2005-06-22T19:08:47Z")
A girl walks into a doctor’s office with an apple in her ear and a banana up her nose. The doctor says “That’s not the way you’re supposed to eat those things.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/24 "2005-06-22T19:11:13Z")
A guy walks into a restaurant and says “I’m feeling really grouchy. Will you serve me?” The hostess says “Sure, we don’t care if you’re grouchy.” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/25 "2005-06-22T19:11:37Z")
A snail went to an auto dealer and asked for the fastest car on the lot. The dealer pointed him to a brand new Dodge Viper, cherry red. “This car tops out at 200 mph. 0-60 in 3.2 seconds” said the dealer. “I’ll take it,” said the snail. “And I want you to paint a great big letter S on both doors.” “Why would you want that?” inquired the salesman. “Because,” explained the snail, “When I’m zooming down the street, I want everyone to say 'Wow! Look at speed of that car with the S on it!” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/26 "2005-06-22T19:11:49Z")
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Condoleeze Rice are flying on Air Force One. It doesn’t develop any mechanical problems and lands safely at Andrews Air Force Base. ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/27 "2005-06-22T19:14:06Z")
Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart? Because he got solidly-manufactured goods at a premium price. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/28 "2005-06-22T19:14:46Z")
Two men walking down the road spotted a dog licking himself. “I wish I could do that,” said the first guy. “Do what?” asked the second. “Lick my own balls,” said the first. “Yeah,” replied the second. “That would really rock.” ---
**Author:** ![LeeshaJoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@LeeshaJoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LeeshaJoy)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/29 "2005-06-22T19:16:27Z")
Two guys walked face-first into an iron bar suspended at about eye level. Fortunately, another guy who was with them managed to duck. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/30 "2005-06-22T19:17:35Z")
If you are American when you wake up in the morning and African when you are taking a shower, what are you when you’re in the bathroom? African-American ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/31 "2005-06-22T19:22:01Z")
Quasi Modo died, so they had to get someone else to ring the bell. A guy with no arms applied for the job. “How can you ring the bell with no arms?”, asked the hiring guy. “I hit it with my face”, said the applicant. So they went up to the tower and the guy with no arms smashed his face into the bell. The bell rang. He then fell out of the tower. On the ground, someone asked if anyone knew him. Another guy answered “No, but his face looks familiar. I’ve seen him before.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/32 "2005-06-22T19:25:30Z")
> [@Max Carnage](#): > > Two men walking down the road spotted a dog licking himself. > “I wish I could do that,” said the first guy. > “Do what?” asked the second. > “Lick my own balls,” said the first. > “Yeah,” replied the second. “That would really rock.” “Maybe we should just get girlfriends.” ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/33 "2005-06-22T19:26:03Z")
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were completely surrounded by thousands of Indians wearing war paint and shouting. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and asks, “Tonto, how are we going to get out of this fix?” Tonto replies, “I have no idea.” ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/34 "2005-06-22T19:34:38Z")
Knock Knock Whose there? Interupting Cow Interupting Cow who? Moo ! What do you call a man with no arms and no legs? A multiple amputee. ---
**Author:** ![Typically\_Sunday](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Typically\_Sunday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typically_Sunday)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/35 "2005-06-22T19:34:33Z")
A panda goes into a restuarant and orders a salad. When he is done eating, he shoots his waiter. When the waiter asks the panda why he shot him, the panda tells him to look it up the dictionary. The waiter finds the entry for “panda”. Pandas: A mammal native to southeast asia. Eats the roots of the bamboo plant. ---
**Author:** ![LeeshaJoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@LeeshaJoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LeeshaJoy)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/36 "2005-06-22T19:41:23Z")
Old lady Wilson answers the door to find a very sad looking man. “I’m sorry,” the man says, “I just ran over your cat. I’d like to make it up to you by replacing it.” Old lady Wilson replies, “What makes you think you can just ‘replace’ my only companion for the last ten years, you insensitive prick?! Go to hell!” ---
**Author:** ![gaucho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c67d28/32.png) [@gaucho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaucho)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/37 "2005-06-22T19:44:13Z")
Your Mama’s so fat, I’m worried she may have a thyroid problem. ---
**Author:** ![FisherQueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/58f4c7/32.png) [@FisherQueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FisherQueen)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/38 "2005-06-22T19:47:52Z")
Descartes went into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender asked, “Would you like another?” “No, thank you,” said Descartes. Then he left. ---
**Author:** ![pinkfreud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pinkfreud/32/17603_2.png) [@pinkfreud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pinkfreud)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/39 "2005-06-22T19:51:09Z")
Q: What’s the difference between Terri Schiavo and a Chia Pet? A: I dunno, what’s a gnu with you? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/40 "2005-06-22T19:51:25Z")
What has four wheels, and there are a lot of flies buzzing around it? A garbage truck! Because flies like garbage. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411.md?page=3)