# Ruin a joke **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 22, 2005, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411 "2005-06-22T18:38:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/61 "2005-06-22T20:21:23Z")
There was a grasshopper and an octopus. The grasshopper spent all his time storing nuts and such, while the Octopus partied all the time. When winter came, the Grasshopper died and the Octopus got a race car. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/62 "2005-06-22T20:25:59Z")
Knock Knock Who’s there? Sam and Janet Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet Peterson from next door. We brought you a pie. Welcome to the neighborhood! Superman is flying around Metropolis when he spots Wonder Woman sunbathing in the nude atop a tall building. “Hmmm,” he thinks, “I’d like a piece of that.” So at super-speed, he flies down, screws Wonder Woman and flies off. Feeling violated, Wonder Woman gets a DNA test done and has Superman arrested for rape. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/63 "2005-06-22T20:28:36Z")
A family of tomatoes are walking down the street when the youngest one starts to fall behind. The daddy tomato goes back to the baby and stomps on it. “OH MY GOD!!!” shrieked the momma. “What have you done to my baby!!!” ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/64 "2005-06-22T20:28:59Z")
A fellow had his girlfriend’s name tattooed on his penis. One day, in Jamaica, he’s in a public restroom, and he casually checks out the guy in the stall next to him. To his amazement, this fellow also has the letters W and Y visible on his flaccid penis. “I see by your tattoo, that you have a girlfriend named Wendy, too,” the first fellow said. “Why, yes. Yes, I do,” The second man replied. “What a coincidence.” ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/65 "2005-06-22T20:30:44Z")
How do you catch a one-of-a-kind rabbit? One-of-a-kind up on it! How do you catch a domesticated rabbit? The domesticated way: One-of-a-kind up on it! What’s brown and covered in glue? A stick! What’s foot long and covered in mucous? A slipper! What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back when you throw it? Likely as not, the problem is with the person throwing it: throwing a boomerang correctly is quite difficult. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/66 "2005-06-22T20:32:49Z")
And a real-life example of this: Once in college, I was hanging out around the campfire swapping jokes with classmates, and I casually threw in one of my favorite jokes: “Not many people know this, but an elephant’s genitalia are on its feet. . . .” One of my classmates jumped in: “Yeah, that’s right: you’re fucked if you step on one!” I couldn’t figure out whether to be amused or annoyed. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/67 "2005-06-22T20:33:17Z")
What’s long, hard, and contains semen? An erect penis about to ejaculate ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/68 "2005-06-22T20:33:19Z")
> [@Max Carnage](#): > > Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yank’s manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team. > > Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players. > > Abbott: Right, certainly do. > > Costello: Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team. > > Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names. Well let’s see, we have on the bags, we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know is on third. > > Costello: Wow, those _are_ unusual names. It must get confusing trying to explain that to people. Superntendent Chalmers: Well, Skinner, it seems we’ve put together a baseball team, and I was wondering, who’s on first, eh? Principal Skinner: Not the pronoun, but rather a player with the unlikely _name_ of “Who” is on first. Superintendent Chalmers: Well that’s just great, Skinner. We’ve been out here six seconds and you’ve already managed to blow the routine. ---
**Author:** ![LeeshaJoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@LeeshaJoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LeeshaJoy)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/69 "2005-06-22T20:33:34Z")
> [@Max Carnage](#): > > Superman is flying around Metropolis when he spots Wonder Woman sunbathing in the nude atop a tall building. “Hmmm,” he thinks, “I’d like a piece of that.” So at super-speed, he flies down, screws Wonder Woman and flies off. Feeling violated, Wonder Woman gets a DNA test done and has Superman arrested for rape. What is the proper ending to this joke? I’ve never heard it before. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/70 "2005-06-22T20:35:33Z")
> [@Max Carnage](#): > > A family of tomatoes are walking down the street when the youngest one starts to fall behind. The daddy tomato goes back to the baby and stomps on it. “OH MY GOD!!!” shrieked the momma. “What have you done to my baby!!!” The girl potato came home and said “Mom, I just got engaged to the red potato!” The mommy potato replies “Oh, the red potato, he’s such a nice boy!” The other girl potato came home and said “Mom, I just got engaged to the Idaho potato!” The mommy potato replies “Oh, I’ve always liked the Idaho potato!” The third girl potato comes home and says “Mom, I just got engaged to Dan Rather!” The mommy potato replies “Oh, he’s a just a reporter.” ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/71 "2005-06-22T20:36:08Z")
A scruffy, unshaven homeless man wanders into a piano bar around 10:00 one morning and asks the bartender if it would be okay for him to play the piano. At first the bartender is offended by the man’s appearance and aroma, but after a moment he consents. The man plays beautiful music to the point of bringing tears to the bartender’s eyes. The bartender apologizes for his rudeness earlier and ask the man if he writes music as well as playing so beautifully. The man replies that he does write music and that he has just written a new tune, but that unfortunately he has been unable to get anything published. The bartender asks to hear the latest tune and the man obliges with the most moving and tender ballad the bartender has ever heard. The bartender says, “Man, I just don’t understand why you’re having trouble getting your music published. What’s the name of this piece?” The man replies, “Oh, I never give names to my music.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/72 "2005-06-22T20:38:40Z")
> [@LeeshaJoy](#): > > What is the proper ending to this joke? I’ve never heard it before. Wonder Woman says “Wow, what was that?” The Invisible Man says “I don’t know, but boy does my ass hurt.” ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/73 "2005-06-22T20:39:02Z")
**Q:** What does a fish say when he runs into a wall? **A:** Ouch! **Q:** What is 6 afraid of 7? **A:** Because 6 overheard 7 say something threatening to 9. **Q:** What’s orange and rhymes with parrot? **A:** A carrot. ---
**Author:** ![Kevbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Kevbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kevbo)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/74 "2005-06-22T20:40:36Z")
“So there’s this Scottish guy in a suitcase, and his dad is riding on a train…” …actually said by a friend of mine. Was teased about it forever. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/75 "2005-06-22T20:45:35Z")
> [@](#): > > “So there’s this Scottish guy in a suitcase, and his dad is riding on a train…” I can’t even imagine how this one is supposed to go! I was hanging out with my cousins swapping jokes one night. I’d told the fish joke to the older two, but the youngest apparently missed it, and tried to tell it this way: Michelle: “What does a fish say when he swims into a dam?” Me (deadpan): “I have no idea.” Michelle: “Oh! Wait! That’s not how it goes. It goes, What does a fish say when he hits a dam? Darn it! I mean, shoot. I can’t remember it.” Me: “You mean, What does a fish say when he runs into a wall?” Michelle: “YES!” Me: “I told that joke already.” Michelle: “You did?” Me: “Well, I told it _better._” Still makes me chuckle. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/76 "2005-06-22T20:46:22Z")
…so I said “Rectum? It nearly messed up his ENTIRE digestive system!” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/77 "2005-06-22T20:51:19Z")
> [@Beadalin](#): > > I was hanging out with my cousins swapping jokes one night. I’d told the fish joke to the older two, but the youngest apparently missed it, and tried to tell it this way: It was kids telling jokes that inspired this thread. My cousin used to tell this one, again and again and again and again: “Hello, you don’t say, you don’t say, who was it, he didn’t say.” He’d then do a nudge nudge wink wink, and say as an aside “He didn’t say!” It was very cute (and annoying). He probably had no idea why the original joke was funny in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/78 "2005-06-22T20:55:42Z")
A Jew and a homosexual arrive together at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says, “Both of you are right on the borderline between everlasting bliss and eternal torment. So I’m sending you back to Earth for a day. All you have to do to earn entrance to Heaven is avoid temptation while you’re there.” So the Jew and the homosexual are sent back to Earth. As they’re walking back into the city, they spy a quarter on the sidewalk. The Jew points to the quarter and says to the homosexual, “Did you drop that?” The homosexual says, “No, but thank you,” and picks it up. Then they continue walking into the city. ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/79 "2005-06-22T20:57:45Z")
Point of order! Some of these are just bad jokes, not well-known jokes rendered unfunny by the telling, as per the OP. Also, some of them are still funny. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2005, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411/80 "2005-06-22T21:04:59Z")
Did you hear about that restaurant on the moon? Great food, terrible decor. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-a-joke/309411.md?page=5)