# Ruin Star Wars ep. 3 here **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 27, 2004, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378 "2004-04-27T23:33:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2004, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/1 "2004-04-27T23:33:59Z")
Not that Lucas will need help 🙂 But as long as we’re fearing the worst, let’s see just how bad ep. 3 could be. My suggestion: It turns out that Anakin \*\* wasn’t Luke and Leia’s father after all!!!\*\*. Heartbroken after Anakin’s fall to the dark side, Amidala seeks comfort in the arms of … Obi-Wan Kenobi! Yes, that’s right folks, **Obi-Wan is their real father!!!**. What? You say that utterly contradicts what we already know? That it’s pointless and needless? That it completely undermines the moral of ROTJ? Who cares? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKING CONTINUITY! Let’s see, what else? Well as minor points, let’s kill off Count Dooku in the first five minutes of ep. 3, making any previous development of his character moot. He needs to be replaced with another expendable Sith minion, one who’s more figurine/ happy meal toy compatible. And let’s give Darth Sideous/The Emperor a comic-nasty pet. ---
**Author:** ![jmizzou](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/edb3f5/32.png) [@jmizzou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmizzou)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2004, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/2 "2004-04-27T23:37:59Z")
What? No Ewoks? ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2004, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/3 "2004-04-27T23:53:43Z")
> [@Lumpy](#): > > Let’s see, what else? Well as minor points, let’s kill off Count Dooku in the first five minutes of ep. 3, making any previous development of his character moot. He needs to be replaced with another expendable Sith minion, one who’s more figurine/ happy meal toy compatible. And let’s give Darth Sideous/The Emperor a comic-nasty pet. Good suggestions both. Why not combine them? Darth Binks, Sith Gungan. The HORROR! ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/4 "2004-04-28T00:13:05Z")
Oh, c’mon people! We can do better than that. With the rumored appearance of Chewbacca in Episode III, what if he was Luke & Leia’s father? That would explain why he and Han helped them in the bar in Mos Eisley. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/5 "2004-04-28T00:44:17Z")
When Bail Organa steps out of the shower, we learn the entire series has been a dream. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_Rhosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d9b06d/32.png) [@Sir\_Rhosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_Rhosis)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/6 "2004-04-28T00:49:23Z")
Anakin is really not a Skywalker, just a cousin of the family. “No, Luke, I am your second-cousin, once removed, on your mother’s side.” “NOOOOOO!!!” We will see many cute scenes that prefigure the good trilogy (well, two-thirds “good” trilogy). –Chewbacca will whine over losing a chess-like game, prompting someone to urge his oppoent to allow him to win. –Upon being told by a beautiful “space chick” that he is loved, Jar-Jar will say, “Mesa know.” Also, we will see a ten-year old Han Solo (along with his dad, Napoleon). Sir Rhosis ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/7 "2004-04-28T03:02:14Z")
•Anakin kills Palpatine and Dooku, resigns from the Jedi, and lives happily ever after with Padme. or… •Two words: time travel. or… •Due to failing health, Lucas is unable to direct, so he turns the chair over to his good pal…Quentin Tarantino. Anakin ends up killing Padme by using The Force to suck her brain out through her nostrils. In the second act. or… •The movie actually turns out to be really good, but it _still_ doesn’t live up to the fans’ expectations, and they trash it anyway. But they all still pay their $6 at the theater. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/8 "2004-04-28T03:43:33Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > With the rumored appearance of Chewbacca in Episode III, what if he was Luke & Leia’s father? We can do better than that, too. What if Chewbacca was Luke & Leia’s _mother_. ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/9 "2004-04-28T04:53:02Z")
Darth Maul comes back with robot-vader appliances attached from the waist down. Him and Dooku have a big fight that leaves them both dead. … in the first 5 minutes! ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/10 "2004-04-28T16:13:59Z")
In Episode 3 we discover the real reason why Anakin finally went over to the dark side: “Meesa you fadda, Anakin.” ---
**Author:** ![Salviati](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Salviati](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salviati)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/11 "2004-04-28T17:11:42Z")
The third episode is a “clip-show”, consisting mainly of the main characters reflecting on past events with long flashbacks from the previous two episodes ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/12 "2004-04-28T18:36:03Z")
We’ll see a teen-aged Han Solo building the Millenium Falcon with his buddy, the teenaged Lando Calrisean. They will be fiesty young scamps living by their wits on Tantooine. Like All teenage boys they will speak long about their dreams of outlandish futures, like smuggling, cloud-mining and marrying democratic princesses. They will have a kooky neighbor who barges in at all times without knocking. Or maybe we’ll se Annikin and padme rub disinfectant gel all over each other for the first 5 minutes. or not. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/13 "2004-04-28T19:30:29Z")
I’m having a hazy vision of a Star Wars themed Christmas movie, something where there’s singing and dancing… sorta like a variety show. Such a thing would drive a dagger through the heart of the franchise once and for all! _Waittaminit… what do you mean they already did that?_ ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/14 "2004-04-28T21:50:30Z")
In order to exact revenge for the death of his father, Boba Fett tracks Obi-Wan to Corusant and ambushes him. Obi-Wan, reluctant to attack a youngster, is slowly losing the fight, which isn’t helped when an ever-darkened Anakin runs off and leaves him to suffer his fate. Obi-Wan is finally knocked down, and Boba Fett prepares to deal the final blow. But suddenly, Obi-Wan is saved! Boba Fett is ambushed from behind, and knocked into an electric grid, killing him instantly! Startled by this turn of events, Obi-Wan turns to see his savior… “Jar-Jar! You saved me!” But Jar-Jar Binks is deeply distraught – he has killed a child, an unforgivable sin in the Gungan culture. Ignoring Obi-Wan’s pleadings, Jar-Jar does the only honorable thing he can do… …and takes up Boba Fett’s identity. “Mesa now Boba Fett, bounty hunter.” ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/15 "2004-04-28T21:56:38Z")
Another pod-race. ---
**Author:** ![spiralscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@spiralscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spiralscratch)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/16 "2004-04-28T22:10:38Z")
It’s revealed that Yoda is indeed Grover’s father. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2004, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/17 "2004-04-29T02:09:50Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#): > > We can do better than that, too. What if Chewbacca was Luke & Leia’s _mother_. > [@furryman](#): > > In Episode 3 we discover the real reason why Anakin finally went over to the dark side: > “Meesa you fadda, Anakin.” If both of these were the case, I would jump to the dark side so fast… And I would most certainly not want to be a fly on the wall in that bedroom. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2004, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/18 "2004-04-29T03:08:22Z")
Yoda takes a break from Jedi-ing, needing a long holiday, and moves to Tatooine and starts up a cantina band. He’s the lead singer. Band boots him out when he keeps singing the lyrics backwards… (“To be loved by you unusual it is not…”). He moves to Dagobah and spends the next 20 years sulking and eating slugs. Meanwhile, Amidala dumps Anakin because of his continual tantrums after sex, and she hooks up with his long lost cousin, Weird Al Skywalker, the actual father of Luke and Leia. ---
**Author:** ![Beauty\_Personified](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e480ec/32.png) [@Beauty\_Personified](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beauty_Personified)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2004, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/19 "2004-04-29T06:14:22Z")
**Ranchoth** mentioned time-travel, but let be elaborate on that idea… Darth Vader - the one we all know and love - appears in the film, from the future. Anakin discovers that _he is his own father!_ :eek: That said, I already revealed the title of _Episode III_ in another thread… _The Erotic Adventures of Chewbacca the Wookie_ And, **Silentgoldfish** , I actually was hoping, after the first film, that Darth Maul would eventually return with a robotic bottom-half. If he actually does, I’ll be _very_, even if _Episode III_ stinks. _Wait a second!_ General Grievious - the new villian in _Ep. III_ - is actually a biological being who just happens to be mostly droid. (It looks like parts of his head and spinal column, and some internal organs are all that remain of whatever he was.) Could he actually be Darth Maul resurrected? Hmm… Anyhoo… ---
**Author:** ![mbacko1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@mbacko1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbacko1)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2004, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/20 "2004-04-29T14:01:26Z")
> [@Monstre](#): > > Yoda takes a break from Jedi-ing, needing a long holiday, and moves to Tatooine and starts up a cantina band. He’s the lead singer. Band boots him out when he keeps singing the lyrics backwards… (“To be loved by you unusual it is not…”). He moves to Dagobah and spends the next 20 years sulking and eating slugs. > > Meanwhile, Amidala dumps Anakin because of his continual tantrums after sex, and she hooks up with his long lost cousin, Weird Al Skywalker, the actual father of Luke and Leia. I almost spit water all over my monitor… I was thinking of the American Idol contestants singing Yoda’s greatest love songs… 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378.md?page=2)