# Ruin Star Wars ep. 3 here **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 27, 2004, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378 "2004-04-27T23:33:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2004, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/21 "2004-04-29T23:25:49Z")
> [@Beauty Personified](#): > > _Wait a second!_ General Grievious - the new villian in _Ep. III_ - is actually a biological being who just happens to be mostly droid. (It looks like parts of his head and spinal column, and some internal organs are all that remain of whatever he was.) Could he actually be Darth Maul resurrected? Hmm… According to the Star Wars magazine I saw at the bookstore, when they were first designing Greivious, someone started superimposing Darth Maul’s eyes in Grevious’ head. They actually kept it up for quite awhile, before Lucas said that he wanted something totally new. Maybe they Saved Darth Maul’s Brain, tho’. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/22 "2004-04-30T02:57:30Z")
> [@Sir Rhosis](#): > > We will see many cute scenes that prefigure the good trilogy (well, two-thirds “good” trilogy). [Funny you should mention that!](http://www.brunching.com/starwarsforeshadow.html) ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/23 "2004-04-30T06:25:27Z")
> [@BMalion](#): > > Or maybe we’ll see Annikin and padme rub disinfectant gel all over each other for the first 5 minutes. How about Padme and Amidala rubbing each other down with Wesson Oil for about two hours? What? ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/24 "2004-04-30T06:46:52Z")
This is the “ **Ruin** Star Wars ep. 3” thread, not “Make Star Wars ep. 3 a guaranteed blockbuster” thread. ---
**Author:** ![Odinoneeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/97f17d/32.png) [@Odinoneeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odinoneeye)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/25 "2004-04-30T06:53:45Z")
Annakin, Obi-wan, Yoda, Chewbacca, Palpatine, Jar-Jar, Han Solo and about 10 out of work comedians all witness a single person craft crash on a planet. On investigating, it turns out there’s a fortune in Aldeberon Gold on the other side of the galaxy and whoever finds it first gets to keep it all. Madcap zany adventures await for characters. It all comes down to a frenzied race around Tattoonine with a cameo by Jay and Silent Bob. ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/26 "2004-04-30T07:36:12Z")
Far in the back at the canteen of the Jedi Academy, serving beers… Who is it? Whoopie Goldburg in a periodic role. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/27 "2004-04-30T08:00:46Z")
> [@](#): > > This is the “Ruin Star Wars ep. 3” thread, not “Make Star Wars ep. 3 a guaranteed blockbuster” thread. Paradoxically, the best way to make this movie a guaranteed blockbuster is the same way to eradicate the most loyal customer base… just have the Enterprise come in at the end and kill everyone. All the Warsies would swear blood oaths to take Lucas’s life, but all the Trekkies would go see it dozens of times each. Y’know, it just might happen… SW3 would make more money than _Titanic_. ---
**Author:** ![scotandrsn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a4c791/32.png) [@scotandrsn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scotandrsn)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/28 "2004-04-30T12:21:53Z")
> [@rjung](#): > > ever-darkened Anakin Ah! That’s the key right there! The series ends in infamy when the charges of racism brought against Lucas (for the Trade Federation reps who sound like stereotypical movie Japanese villains, and for the fact that the original Star Wars film had no blacks in the cast) finally bear fruit in Ep. 3, when when the altered midichlorians spewing out Dark Force actually increase the amount of melanin in his skin. In Lucas’ ultra-bigoted fantasy, the farther you go to the Dark Side, the darker you are, which explains the fact that Darth Vader has James Earl Jones’ voice. I’m going straight to hell, I KNOW I am! ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/29 "2004-04-30T13:15:22Z")
> [@SPOOFE](#): > > Paradoxically, the best way to make this movie a guaranteed blockbuster is the same way to eradicate the most loyal customer base… just have the Enterprise come in at the end and kill everyone. All the Warsies would swear blood oaths to take Lucas’s life, but all the Trekkies would go see it dozens of times each. > > Y’know, it just might happen… SW3 would make more money than _Titanic_. Hell, we can bring in Jack Ryan (CIA boss and President), Indiana Jones, Neo, Harry Potter, Scooby Doo, and a host of others and have them duke it out in a final showdown pitting series vs. series in the epic Devlin/Emmerich production of [_Destroy All Franchises_](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063172/). Hey, it worked for Godzilla! ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/30 "2004-04-30T13:33:17Z")
> [@Lumpy](#): > > He needs to be replaced with another expendable Sith minion, one who’s more figurine/ happy meal toy compatible. And let’s give Darth Sideous/The Emperor a comic-nasty pet. Adf a little crossover – the comic-nasty pet can be Stripe from the original _Gremlins_ movie. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/31 "2004-04-30T20:02:34Z")
> [@rjung](#): > > This is the “ **Ruin** Star Wars ep. 3” thread, not “Make Star Wars ep. 3 a guaranteed blockbuster” thread. Unless, of course, Amadala and Padme enter into a lesbian relationship, and through in vitro methods, it’s revealed that Anakin’s father is really David Crosby. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/32 "2004-04-30T20:34:50Z")
> [@scotandrsn](#): > > …and for the fact that the original Star Wars film had no blacks in the cast… Did I get whooshed, or did you forget about Billy Dee Williams? ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/33 "2004-04-30T20:49:38Z")
How about: Episode 3 is a real-time depiction of the 4 hours exactly preceding the beginning of Episode 4, shot and presented a la **Timecode** , with a separate screen-within the screen for each of the following characters/clusters: Luke, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru Leia, C3PO and R2D2 Darth Vader and Governor Tarkin Han and Chewie ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/34 "2004-04-30T21:10:02Z")
> [@JohnT](#): > > Hell, we can bring in Jack Ryan (CIA boss and President), Indiana Jones. . . It would be interesting seeing Jack Ryan, Indiana Jones, and Han Solo fighting. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/35 "2004-04-30T21:26:00Z")
> [@Captain Amazing](#): > > It would be interesting seeing Jack Ryan, Indiana Jones, and Han Solo fighting. Mess with time a little so you could have Ben Affleck and Sean Patrick Flanery fight as the Young Indiana Jones and green Jack Ryan too. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2004, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/36 "2004-05-01T01:01:30Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > Did I get whooshed, or did you forget about Billy Dee Williams? Nope. Billy Dee Williams wasn’t in the first Star Wars movie. He didn’t appear until the 2nd film, Episode 5. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2004, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/37 "2004-05-01T04:49:41Z")
> [@Captain Amazing](#): > > It would be interesting seeing Jack Ryan, Indiana Jones, and Han Solo fighting. Actually, the movie would suddenly ground to a halt as they suddenly realize that none of them _can shoot first_. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![scotandrsn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a4c791/32.png) [@scotandrsn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scotandrsn)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2004, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/38 "2004-05-01T15:04:27Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > Did I get whooshed, or did you forget about Billy Dee Williams? Whose character, of course, was not in the original film. There was much speculation that his casting as Lando Calrissian in “Empire Strikes Back” was to quell the stink raised by black activists in 1977 over the fact that “Star Wars” (then the highest-grossing film of all time, and therefore representative of the state of then-modern Hollywood) had no blacks in the cast, at least not on-screen. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2004, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/39 "2004-05-01T16:52:50Z")
In a strange turn of events, God reveals that it isn’t actually long ago and far away, but is, in fact, the End Time. Jack Chick is given command of the Armies of God (with Phred Phelps as his Second) and proceeds to liberate Annikan from his gayside, er… darkside, with carefully chosen snippits of Scripture. John Travolta dances his fat ass in the finale scene which also has Ewoks lining up to get baptised by Reverend Binks. Somewhere in the movie, Pin Head says, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Death](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecccb3/32.png) [@Evil\_Death](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Death)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2004, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378/40 "2004-05-01T23:30:46Z")
> [@NoClueBoy](#): > > Jack Chick is given command of the Armies of God (with Phred Phelps as his Second) and proceeds to liberate Annikan from his gayside, er… darkside, At last, I find someone else who’s heard the “Star Wars is homophobic propaganda” theory! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ruin-star-wars-ep-3-here/242378.md?page=1)