# Rules for getting away with it **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 24, 2012, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667 "2012-03-24T03:16:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2012, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/61 "2012-03-25T17:50:08Z")
If blowing away a bunch of foreign civilians is your idea of a great way to blow off steam,\* do not join the US Armed Forces\*. They frown on this behavior. Sign up as a military contractor instead and you can scratch that itchy trigger finger all day. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/62 "2012-03-26T01:56:40Z")
If you’re thinking of hiring a hitman, don’t. They’ll roll over on you. If you want someone dead, do it yourself. If you can’t bring yourself to do it, you don’t want the person dead badly enough. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/63 "2012-03-26T18:09:12Z")
The only way to truly get rid of a body completely is to eat it. If you can’t go that far, you don’t want the person dead badly enough 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/64 "2012-03-26T18:20:14Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > If you’re thinking of hiring a hitman, don’t. They’ll roll over on you. If you want someone dead, do it yourself. If you can’t bring yourself to do it, you don’t want the person dead badly enough. Forget “roll over on you”, it seems from the news that everyone trying to hire a hitman accidentally gets a cop instead. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Tyger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Silver\_Tyger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Tyger)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/65 "2012-03-26T18:46:33Z")
> [@FlyByNight512](#): > > It’s already been said a number of times, but it bears repeating: SHUT THE EFF UP about what you did. > > First corollary: Don’t keep trophies. Second corollary: don’t keep a diary either. If you were already keeping a diary, burn it. ---
**Author:** ![jabiru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bbce88/32.png) [@jabiru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jabiru)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 9:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/66 "2012-03-27T09:05:59Z")
Don’t go on television, crying and begging 'anyone who knows where [Sharon/Lydia/Helen] is or what happened to them. ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/67 "2012-03-27T09:21:46Z")
[Use Craigslist to recruit decoys.](http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2008217929_robbery01m0.html) ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/68 "2012-03-27T10:22:59Z")
Don’t confess. Typical crime drama: “You said you were in your office at the time of the crime. But the chair there is _too far from the table_. So either you pushed the chair out to stand up; in which case why didn’t you push it back under the table, or you were _never in that office_”! “All right, dammit, I killed the bitch! She never cared about the business, never knew what it meant to my father… (monologue continues)” ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/69 "2012-03-27T10:46:59Z")
Similarly don’t tell Mr Bond the details of your Evil Plan before you off him. Just off him and smile evilly while stroking your white cat - otherwise your hired goons will all be shot, your beautiful assassin will be seduced then killed, and you will only escape with your life. ---
**Author:** ![Greg\_Charles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Greg\_Charles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greg_Charles)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/70 "2012-03-27T15:44:44Z")
Don’t blurt out facts that only the criminal could know. It’s amazing how many characters have been brought down by this mistake. ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/71 "2012-03-27T17:14:35Z")
Don’t [dial 911 while you’re committing the crime.](http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/2012/03/24/20120324police-man-accidentally-dials-during-theft.html) ---
**Author:** ![jharvey963](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/54ee81/32.png) [@jharvey963](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jharvey963)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/72 "2012-03-27T22:26:54Z")
“Never go back to the scene of the crime” “Get rid of absolutely everything used in the commission of that crime: all of your clothes, shoes, your cell phone (if you had it on you).” “If the victim was in your car, and there wasn’t a previous, innocuous situation in which the victim was in your car (that other people can testify to), get rid of your car.” ---
**Author:** ![11811](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/9d8465/32.png) [@11811](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/11811)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2012, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/73 "2012-03-28T15:58:09Z")
Make sure the body is disposed of far from the scene of the crime. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2012, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/74 "2012-03-28T16:34:14Z")
Do not talk about Crime Club. Leave the gun. Take the cannoli. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2012, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/75 "2012-03-28T17:32:41Z")
> [@e72751](#): > > . . . > > - go grouse hunting with the intended victim > . . . ## Quail hunting can work in a pinch. If you rob a convenience store at 4 in the morning after the first snow of the season, don’t drive down two blocks, turn, drive four more blocks, then park and count up the take. This happened in Warren, Ohio, and there were three directions that they could have gone that would have put them on a highway or major artery within three blocks. Therefore the cops didn’t check out the tire tracks until after they’d taken the report. They must have been bad at math. Even with two of them, they were still counting when the cops came up to the car. ---
**Author:** ![ducati](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cc9497/32.png) [@ducati](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ducati)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2012, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/76 "2012-03-28T18:18:19Z")
Become a highly-paid professional athlete. [You](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O._J._Simpson#Legal_history)[can](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_lewis#Conviction_for_obstruction_of_justice)[get](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobe_Bryant#Sexual_assault_allegation)[away](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Roethlisberger#Sexual_assault_allegations) [with](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latrell_Sprewell#1997_choking_incident) [anything](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cam_Newton) [you](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dont%C3%A9_Stallworth#Manslaughter_charges) [want](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam_Jones_(American_football)#Las_Vegas_shooting_case_.26_subsequent_suspension)! ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2012, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/77 "2012-03-28T22:53:33Z")
> [@ducati](#): > > Become a highly-paid professional athlete. > [You](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O._J._Simpson#Legal_history)[can](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_lewis#Conviction_for_obstruction_of_justice)[get](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobe_Bryant#Sexual_assault_allegation)[away](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Roethlisberger#Sexual_assault_allegations) > [with](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latrell_Sprewell#1997_choking_incident) > [anything](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cam_Newton) > [you](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dont%C3%A9_Stallworth#Manslaughter_charges) > [want](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam_Jones_(American_football)#Las_Vegas_shooting_case_.26_subsequent_suspension)! Just make sure all your victims are human. Hurt a dog and you’re in trouble. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2012, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/78 "2012-03-28T23:01:51Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > If you’ve got something illegal (or evidence of a crime) in your car, motorcycle saddlebags, etc., and the cop who stops you for going 68 in a 55 zone asks you if he can search your car/saddlebags/etc., don’t say ‘yes.’ Better yet: Don’t go 68 in a 55 zone. Even before I read this, my contribution to the thread was going to be **Drive carefully and obey all traffic laws on the way home from the crime.** ---
**Author:** ![Breccia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@Breccia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Breccia)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2012, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/79 "2012-03-29T00:02:27Z")
In short I’d suggest Premeditation. iirc this advice came from Mr. Double Tap, a hitman associated with Kirksey Nix: 1. kill your victim outside 2. kill from a distance without identifying yourself to the victim 3. never touch the victim [when you approach for the coup de grâce don’t riffle around for his wallet or wristwatch] 4. walk from the scene to your exit transport which is out of visual range of the scene. if possible your exit vehicle should be in close range to an interstate highway or major thoughfare. this vehicle shouldn’t be linked directly to you. ---
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2012, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667/80 "2012-03-29T14:07:53Z")
If you invade a country in a way that turns out to have violated international law, have the UN re-write their laws after the fact. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/rules-for-getting-away-with-it/616667.md?page=5)