# Saddest Onion article ever **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 8, 2012, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172 "2012-03-08T17:47:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Banquet\_Bear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/banquet_bear/32/373_2.png) [@Banquet\_Bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Banquet_Bear)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/21 "2012-03-09T07:59:10Z")
…this one made me cry. > **[Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake](https://www.theonion.com/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-american-flag-1819566173)** > > TOPEKA, KS—Feeling helpless in the wake of the horrible Sept. 11 terrorist attacks that killed thousands, Christine Pearson baked a cake and decorated it like an American flag Monday. ---
**Author:** ![sitchensis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sitchensis/32/4892_2.png) [@sitchensis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sitchensis)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/22 "2012-03-09T08:07:48Z")
I don’t get it, at what point does he say he’s a closeted homosexual? Does a closeted homosexual have to choose at 12? What the fuck is this article saying. It is basically pigeon holing an effeminate man as gay. He can’t be bi? He can’t be straight with effeminate qualities? The kid is in 6th grade. ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/23 "2012-03-09T08:25:48Z")
> [@Banquet\_Bear](#): > > …this one made me cry. > > [http://www.theonion.com/articles/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-americanfl,221/](http://www.theonion.com/articles/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-americanfl,221/) That entire issue was amazing. [“American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie”](http://www.theonion.com/articles/american-life-turns-into-bad-jerry-bruckheimer-mov,220/), [“U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We’re At War With”](http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-vows-to-defeat-whoever-it-is-were-at-war-with,219/) and my favorite [“God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule”](http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule,222/): [QUOTE=God] “I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you’d get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important,” said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. “I guess I figured I’d left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?” [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/24 "2012-03-09T08:27:33Z")
> [@sitchensis](#): > > I don’t get it, at what point does he say he’s a closeted homosexual? Does a closeted homosexual have to choose at 12? What the fuck is this article saying. It is basically pigeon holing an effeminate man as gay. He can’t be bi? He can’t be straight with effeminate qualities? The kid is in 6th grade. I was masturbating at 12, fantasizing about girls, and assume a gay 12 year old was masturbating fantasizing about boys. ---
**Author:** ![sitchensis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sitchensis/32/4892_2.png) [@sitchensis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sitchensis)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/25 "2012-03-09T09:01:54Z")
> [@gaffa](#): > > I was masturbating at 12, fantasizing about girls, and assume a gay 12 year old was masturbating fantasizing about boys. While, it may be good to assume that, the rest of the “normal” 12 year old boys are fucking cans of chili, blocks of butter and an occasional melon, getting their rocks off with anything possible. While, in theory, I don’t disagree with you. Due to the article, he is now pigeon holed as a homosexual at the age of 12. I don’t necessarily agree with this. ---
**Author:** ![Foggy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foggy/32/1082_2.png) [@Foggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Foggy)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/26 "2012-03-09T10:08:25Z")
> [@sitchensis](#): > > Due to the article, he is now pigeon holed as a homosexual at the age of 12. I don’t necessarily agree with this. 😕 Am I being whooshed? It’s an article on the Onion, no one has been pigeon holed. ---
**Author:** ![hammos1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ba8739/32.png) [@hammos1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hammos1)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/27 "2012-03-09T11:27:58Z")
[Literally Unbelievable](http://literallyunbelievable.org/) is over there, **sitchensis**. ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/28 "2012-03-09T13:13:24Z")
[brain dead teen](http://literallyunbelievable.org/post/18901400624/this-is-disgusting) :rolleyes:😃 i don’t follow the Onion, but reactions to their articles are comedy gold. ---
**Author:** ![Stelios](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Stelios](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stelios)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/29 "2012-03-09T20:33:56Z")
[This one is pretty poignant](http://www.theonion.com/articles/97yearold-dies-unaware-of-being-violin-prodigy,18194/). It could apply to any one of us, if you think about it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/30 "2012-03-09T20:37:27Z")
> [@sitchensis](#): > > While, it may be good to assume that, the rest of the “normal” 12 year old boys are fucking cans of chili,\ Wait, what? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/31 "2012-03-09T20:42:09Z")
Yeah, what’s this about chili? But regardless, I definitely knew my sexuality at age 12. Actually, that’s when I had my first instance of head-over-heels puppy love. I still remember those blue eyes… That article is very sad. All of us outsiders can relate, though I never had it as bad as a gay kid might. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/32 "2012-03-09T20:44:55Z")
I lived in a small town, and they made us town kids walk home for lunch every day - I never realized how good I had it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/33 "2012-03-09T20:49:13Z")
First off, **sitchensis** , as everybody has already pointed out, the article is a work of fiction. It’s in a parody newspaper and it’s not about a real kid. And the whole point of the article is that the kid is being made fun of because everybody else thinks he’s gay, not because he’s actually gay. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/34 "2012-03-09T20:50:10Z")
BUT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE CHILI? This is important. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/35 "2012-03-09T20:51:39Z")
I’m afraid to google it. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/36 "2012-03-09T20:53:07Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I’m afraid to google it. ☹ I’ve heard of watermelons, and I’ve heard of pie, both from movies. I don’t doubt that a teenage boy will fuck anything, but chili??? ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/37 "2012-03-09T20:55:41Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > BUT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE CHILI? [I can imagine some kids wanting to fuck this.](https://twitter.com/#!/officialchilli) ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/38 "2012-03-09T21:07:40Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I’ve heard of watermelons, and I’ve heard of pie, both from movies. I don’t doubt that a teenage boy will fuck anything, but chili??? Maybe Chili Bouchier: [Chili Bouchier](http://www.britishpictures.com/photos4/photo344.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/39 "2012-03-09T21:10:03Z")
I’ll give you both those girls, but he did clearly say “cans of chili”. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/40 "2012-03-09T21:19:54Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I’ll give you both those girls, but he did clearly say “cans of chili”. sometimes the apple pie doesn’t cool off fast enough. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172.md?page=3)