# Saddest Onion article ever **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 8, 2012, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172 "2012-03-08T17:47:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/41 "2012-03-09T21:23:43Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I’ve heard of watermelons, and I’ve heard of pie, both from movies. I don’t doubt that a teenage boy will fuck anything, but chili??? Ah, yes, the ol’ Coney dog. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/42 "2012-03-09T21:29:54Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Ah, yes, the ol’ Coney dog. The important question is: with or without beans? ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/43 "2012-03-09T21:42:57Z")
Sheesh, who knew the _Onion_ got so sappy? It’s like, Yikes! I didn’t ask for a side of bathos with my satire. Anyway, I regret to inform you that this gay actually quite happily ate lunch with his classmates growing up and did not suffer any sort of pariahdom for that, or even any of my more deserving faults. It was altogether normal and completely lacking in any aspect that might be seen as an indictment of society at large. What can I say? No one’s perfect. Thankfully we live in more enlightened times, where well-meaning straights know that to be gay is to have unceasinging torment visited upon oneself throughout adolescence. It’s sort of like those 1950s housewives who would pity the local homosexual by wondering “What a lonely life,” but different, because those 1950s housewives were bad and closed-minded, but modern, well-meaning straights are just being attentive to realities about bullying and … well, they’re definitely different somehow, just ask them. ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/44 "2012-03-09T21:49:31Z")
> [@Hypno-Toad](#): > > Exactly. It’s not just the gay kids who suffer this treatment. Oh yeah, regular kids also get told that they should watch out because on their way home they’ll get grabbed and tied up and set on fire to burn alive, just like I did in school for being out. I think that kind of terror, day in day out, along with complete and utter rejection from pretty much everyone around you, is something that nearly everyone experiences. I’m sure it’s also pretty normal for people in your area who you don’t even know to start verbally or physically harassing you, making you afraid to leave your house. Like you say, everyone has it bad at school right? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/45 "2012-03-09T21:52:07Z")
Oh hahaha … who says the universe doesn’t have [a sense of humor](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=14841252&postcount=80)? There is only one thing that can settle this now: A Tournament of Gay!! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/46 "2012-03-09T21:53:50Z")
> [@Illuminatiprimus](#): > > Oh yeah, regular kids also get told that they should watch out because on their way home they’ll get grabbed and tied up and set on fire to burn alive, just like I did in school for being out. I think that kind of terror, day in day out, along with complete and utter rejection from pretty much everyone around you, is something that nearly everyone experiences. I’m sure it’s also pretty normal for people in your area who you don’t even know to start verbally or physically harassing you, making you afraid to leave your house. Like you say, everyone has it bad at school right? > > :rolleyes: But…that’s not what the article was about at all… ---
**Author:** ![sitchensis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sitchensis/32/4892_2.png) [@sitchensis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sitchensis)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/47 "2012-03-09T22:17:06Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > BUT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE CHILI? > > This is important. :)We ridiculed a friend of ours for years because he admitted to us that he once masturbated with a can of chili and a bagel, on separate occasions. It’s pretty much my go to for weird masturbation stories. 🙂 > [@Marley23](#): > > First off, **sitchensis** , as everybody has already pointed out, the article is a work of fiction. It’s in a parody newspaper and it’s not about a real kid. And the whole point of the article is that the kid is being made fun of because everybody else thinks he’s gay, not because he’s actually gay. I realize it’s a parody but these things really happen. When I was in 6th grade we made fun of and completely ostracized a girl because there was a rumor she was being molested by her brother. I still have no clue if the rumor was true, but either it was true and the people she told used that knowledge to hurt her, or it was completely false and she was still made fun of and ostracized. Maybe someone could explain the joke to me and I’ll get it, but every option for parody I can think of is pretty lame. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/48 "2012-03-09T22:43:40Z")
> [@Illuminatiprimus](#): > > Oh yeah, regular kids also get told that they should watch out because on their way home they’ll get grabbed and tied up and set on fire to burn alive, just like I did in school for being out. I think that kind of terror, day in day out, along with complete and utter rejection from pretty much everyone around you, is something that nearly everyone experiences. I’m sure it’s also pretty normal for people in your area who you don’t even know to start verbally or physically harassing you, making you afraid to leave your house. Like you say, everyone has it bad at school right? > > :rolleyes: Sheesh, you win. Is that what you want? For us to admit that only \*gay \*kids can claim any right to having been tormented in high school? And only gay kids who were tormented are allowed to identify with this story? ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/49 "2012-03-09T22:46:52Z")
> [@sitchensis](#): > > Maybe someone could explain the joke to me and I’ll get it, but every option for parody I can think of is pretty lame. The OP nailed it: it’s the ‘laugh with knowing recognition’ thing. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/50 "2012-03-09T22:46:59Z")
> [@sitchensis](#): > > When I was in 6th grade we made fun of and completely ostracized a girl because there was a rumor she was being molested by her brother. I still have no clue if the rumor was true, but either it was true and the people she told used that knowledge to hurt her, or it was completely false and she was still made fun of and ostracized. Holy fucking shit that is messed up. ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/51 "2012-03-10T00:10:31Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Sheesh, you win. Is that what you want? For us to admit that only \*gay \*kids can claim any right to having been tormented in high school? And only gay kids who were tormented are allowed to identify with this story? I’m not playing “I suffered more than you”, I’m making the point that gay kids get their own distinct flavour of particularly nasty and concentrated bullying. Personally I’d prefer it when homophobic bullying, which [frequently drives gay kids to suicide](http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/04/18/us-gay-teen-suicide-idUSTRE73H1GV20110418), not be hand waved away as broadly the same as what everyone else experiences. It’s not, so do gays who have suffered it the courtesy of not trying to dismiss it. Of course kids who aren’t gay get bullied, to the point of suicide even, often for the most ridiculous reasons. But tell me that kids who have difficulties at school for being different and are picked on suffer the same way as a kid who also gets told by their religious/conservative/bigoted parents that they are disgusted by them as well. It’s a hell you never want to be in to be tormented by your peers and then have your own family reject you as well. I think it’s pretty significant that a lot of kids who experience bullying are often picked out because they look gay, [are considered maybe to be gay](http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/dec/01/gay-bullying-campaigner-roger-crouch-dead), are not manly/girlie enough, or are different from the heteronormative standard, and this largely stems from non-acceptance and ostracization of gays. Again, we’re not the only ones suffering, but not taking our situation seriously HARMS EVERYONE. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/52 "2012-03-10T00:20:31Z")
So where is your situation not taken seriously in this thread? ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/53 "2012-03-10T02:02:35Z")
> [@dzero](#): > > IDK. I \*\*\*was \*\*\*that kid and it wasn’t so bad. I wasn’t gay, but I was definitely somewhat ambiguous. > > Being left alone is far better than being the center of negative attention. In fact it’s hard for me to remember a time when I didn’t affirmatively prefer being on my own. Of course I was always an outcast since I was never properly socialized for a variety of reasons. I guess it’s a little like being born blind. You know that other people are different and maybe even “better” in some sense, but it never rises much beyond the level of an intellectual curiosity. The sad part isn’t that this character likes to eat lunch alone, it’s that the rest of his day is so miserable. He doesn’t even express anger about being bullied or say he thinks he’s being treated unfairly, he’s just happy about the brief period of time when “No one bothers me, it’s safe and quiet”. ---
**Author:** ![dzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f9b8f/32.png) [@dzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dzero)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/54 "2012-03-10T02:10:24Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > The sad part isn’t that this character likes to eat lunch alone, it’s that the rest of his day is so miserable. He doesn’t even express anger about being bullied or say he thinks he’s being treated unfairly, he’s just happy about the brief period of time when “No one bothers me, it’s safe and quiet”. I wasn’t looking for pity and therefore deliberately left a lot of stuff out. I think that was probably the right decision, so I’ll stick with it. (NOTE: this is a completely uncharacteristic display of consistency on my part. Don’t get used to it :eek: 😃 ) ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/55 "2012-03-10T02:16:13Z")
A kid in my community recently committed suicide for exactly the reasons spelled out in this joke article. That’s all I could think of while reading it. Humans can be assholes: teenagers doubly so. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/56 "2012-03-10T02:20:28Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > Holy fucking shit that is messed up. ++ stuff like this just firms up my belief that children are vicious little animals and I’ll have no part in creating any. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/57 "2012-03-10T04:05:42Z")
> [@jz78817](#): > > ++ > > stuff like this just firms up my belief that children are vicious little animals and I’ll have no part in creating any. Maybe it’s best if they’re just kept away from polite society. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/58 "2012-03-10T10:40:35Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > So where is your situation not taken seriously in this thread? The bit I quoted originally would be a good place to start. Are you actually reading this thread or determined just to argue with me? ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/59 "2012-03-10T13:30:39Z")
I’ve read the entire thread, including the part you quoted, and I still don’t see anyone not taking your situation or gay students’ situation seriously. ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172/60 "2012-03-10T14:11:15Z")
> [@jz78817](#): > > ++ > > stuff like this just firms up my belief that children are vicious little animals and I’ll have no part in creating any. Kids are malleable; they are what you expect them to be. A child expected to be a junior member of society learning what liife is like and expected to comply with adult rules for which he has at least tacitly been given the reasons until he comes of age and can support either confirming or changing them, will live up to those expectations. A kid expected to be a vicious little devil whose every move must be regimented lest he cause damage, will live up to _those_ expectations as well. Most bullies have been bullied; that’s where they learned elementary bullyology. Adults who proclaim gays are objectively disordered, sinners, or just an ostracized “them” whom “we” choose whether to extend equal rights to, or not, have only themselves to blame when their kids don’t fall far from the tree, and start enforcing their teachings physically. And if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saddest-onion-article-ever/615172.md?page=4)