# Safer Sex Question (TMI?) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 9, 2004, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350 "2004-05-09T22:19:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Optihut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/edb3f5/32.png) [@Optihut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Optihut)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2004, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/1 "2004-05-09T22:19:11Z")
When I was still going to school, we were pretty much indoctrinated to use condoms when having sex. But I kinda wonder how people handle this. I see the advantage of using it for one night stands, but what’s a sensible approach for long term relationships? 1. Do you always use a condom when sleeping with a woman for the first time? At what point does this stop - I mean seriously, how are people figuring out when it’s safe to go without a condom? 2. Since the first time is allegedly unforgettable, should one use a condom, which would only reduce the feeling? 3. I thought that oralsex was an important part of sex, so what do people do when having safer sex? Doesn’t safer sex rule out oralsex entirely? ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2004, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/2 "2004-05-09T22:30:55Z")
1. Yes, make “use a condom every time you have sex” your default rule. If you get into a long-term relationship you and your partner can discuss condom usage, but “it doesn’t feel as good with a condom” is bullshit. 2. No, don’t leave off the condom because it’s your first time. Sperm don’t respect your first time and will still cause pregnancy. Viruses don’t give you a pass because it’s your first time. 3. Unprotected oral sex is probably safer that unprotected penile-vaginal sex, but it is not impossible to transmit diseases through UOS. There are flavored condoms which you can use, and you can cut them up to use as dental dams so that you can go down on her. I suggest Googling “safe sex guidelines” and doing some further reading before you make any decisions, and above all talk with your partner(s) _before_ you have sex. ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2004, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/3 "2004-05-09T22:57:16Z")
> [@Optihut](#): > > When I was still going to school, we were pretty much indoctrinated to use condoms when having sex. But I kinda wonder how people handle this. I see the advantage of using it for one night stands, but what’s a sensible approach for long term relationships? > > 1. Do you always use a condom when sleeping with a woman for the first time? At what point does this stop - I mean seriously, how are people figuring out when it’s safe to go without a condom? > > 2. Since the first time is allegedly unforgettable, should one use a condom, which would only reduce the feeling? > > 3. I thought that oralsex was an important part of sex, so what do people do when having safer sex? Doesn’t safer sex rule out oralsex entirely? I think the essential thing you need to remember is that sex without condom = a risk of pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted diseases. The risks do not lessen because it is your first time with someone. In fact, I would say they increase. If you’re having sex with someone for the first time, you need to make doubly sure you’re being safe. A slight loss of sensation really, really isn’t important when you weigh it up against the risks of unprotected sex. Plus, worry-free sex is much more enjoyable. In a long-term relationship, you could discuss condom use. It varies from couple to couple, but I’d say that once both partners are confident that they are monogamous and STD-free (and trust the other person to be so), then they could dispense with the condoms and use alternative birth control if needed. As for oral sex, as **Otto** say - there is still a risk. It’s a decreased risk, but still. I’d say it’s a good idea to be as safe as you can. ---
**Author:** ![Optihut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/edb3f5/32.png) [@Optihut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Optihut)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2004, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/4 "2004-05-09T23:02:21Z")
Thanks for the good advice, it’s much appreciated 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/5 "2004-05-10T02:51:41Z")
Condom use, to me, is as automatic as putting on a seatbelt in a car. I don’t even think about putting ona seat belt, I automatically buckle up. I don’t think about condoms either. It’s an automatic part of sex. (Er, okay, when I’m dating _guys_ it’s an automotaic part of the equation.) I was in a long-term relationship and condoms were always used (even though I was on the pill) because it was as automatic for both of us as putting ona seat belt whenever you get in a car. Once, we were out of condoms, I was on the pill, we’d been together for a long time… so okay… Freaked us out. It ended up feeling very “wrong” somehow. And FWIW, I asked if he could feel a difference and he said “No, actually. Not really. A little different but neither in a good nor bad way. Just slightly different.” In any case, we got more condoms and continued on as we always had with our condom use. As for the oral sex – I knew someone in college who got an infection that was similar to strep throat. It was _wickedly_ awful. What was it?.. An STD. She got it from going down on her boyfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Beltane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aca169/32.png) [@Beltane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beltane)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/6 "2004-05-10T02:57:50Z")
I have a friend who impregnated his partner the very first time he had sex. She miscarried. ---
**Author:** ![herownself](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8baadc/32.png) [@herownself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/herownself)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/7 "2004-05-10T04:26:07Z")
I have a friend who got herpes the very first time he had sex. “Welcome to sex - here’s herpes” is the way he described it. Not a happy thing for him at all. Use a condom, even the first time. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/8 "2004-05-10T04:32:49Z")
FTR, you can still catch herpes even while using a condom. ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/9 "2004-05-10T13:04:34Z")
Thank you for pointing that out, trublmakr. Many people don’t seem to realize that. ---
**Author:** ![Jurph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/50afbb/32.png) [@Jurph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurph)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/10 "2004-05-10T13:21:18Z")
**Eats\_Crayons** already alluded to it, but it’s good practice to use a “belt and suspenders” system of protection. The condom is a natural choice because it’s simple, blocks some STDs, and also serves as birth control. You should also ask her what she’s using: vaginal spermicide “bullets”, hormones (oral, subdermal, or even transdermal), foams, a barrier… the list goes on. Condoms, however, are estimated at 99% effective _when used properly_ – if it breaks, if you use the wrong lube, if you don’t immediately act to minimize her exposure to a full condom, or if you’ve put it on improperly, that number drops quickly. Use condoms that you keep at your place; use them properly; and make sure she’s using a back-up method. Do not leave both methods of birth control in any one person’s possession – I have heard horror stories of girls going off birth control and then convincing their man that it was “still safe”, with predictable results. I’ve also heard (less credibly) of girls stacking up a bunch of condom packets and running a pin through them, then re-packaging them. When the guy comes over, he blusters “but I don’t have a condom,” and she generously lets him use her spares. We can leave the “I’ll get pregnant and then he’ll _have_ to marry me” argument for another forum. If you don’t have a condom that you know to be in good condition with you, don’t have sex. Period. Helpful hint: if you’re too young to deal with the consequences of sex, you’re too young to be having sex. Stick to other non-intercourse forms of sexual pleasure – there are plenty, and they can be a lot of fun (provided you’re both STD-free). ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/11 "2004-05-10T13:50:18Z")
> [@Optihut](#): > > 1. Do you always use a condom when sleeping with a woman for the first time? At what point does this stop - I mean seriously, how are people figuring out when it’s safe to go without a condom? > > 2. Since the first time is allegedly unforgettable, should one use a condom, which would only reduce the feeling? > > 3. I thought that oralsex was an important part of sex, so what do people do when having safer sex? Doesn’t safer sex rule out oralsex entirely? 1. Yes, well, except for me it’s sleeping with a man. Casual sex, one-nighters, or someone I’ve known for a long time all get wrapped. It was never an issue. I never had a guy act offended and I always put it out there before things got too ‘passionate’. As for stopping - my current boyfriend started as a casual f-buddy type of relationship. We always used condoms. One day we discussed going without and what that would mean - no other sexual partners for either of us. We would have to be exclusive and should the day come that we slept with someone else we would have to go back to condoms forever. It took alot of trust but we both had enough trust in each other. And he came over one night and never left and we’re getting married next year. So I guess you could say that worked out for me. 2. Forget it. Don’t even think about it. 3. Have fun explaining that STD on your face at work Monday morning. \*\*herownself \*\* - my boyfriend had the same experience but it was chlamydia (I hope I spelled that right). Yay! lose your virginity - and heeeeeere’s the clap! ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/12 "2004-05-10T16:42:28Z")
Always used condoms, ALWAYS, FOR EVERYTHING. Then I dated irishfella, went for my annual PAP smear 6 months into the relationship, got put on the pill, got a chlamydia test (no symptoms, so they declined to test me for anything else), got the all clear, bye bye latex. Irishfella’s previous girlfirends were both virgins, he’d always used condoms and never had anything weird, so we decided it was safe enough to proceed. Several gynae check-ups later, haven’t had any problems. I prefer not using condoms, because, despite what **Otto** says, it does make a difference to me, as far as the whole experience goes. I don’t like like the quick withdrawal that is a necessary component of safe sex, prefering to just hold each other until nature takes its course, or I sneeze. But that’s only because I’m happy with the relationship and confident enough in my birth control, there is no way I’d risk it with anyone else. ---
**Author:** ![FilmGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@FilmGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FilmGeek)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/13 "2004-05-10T22:21:18Z")
We don’t use condoms anymore. I’m on reliable birth control, his family has a history of sterility problems and we’re exclusive (two years). I’ve had sex with one other person (a virgin) and so had he. We’re clean, healthy and not opposed to abortion should it come to that. Clean up sure is easier with condoms, but I’m slightly allergic to latex, so not using them makes the day after much nicer for me. After my recent round of antibiotics we’ve been using condoms. REMEMBER… hormonal birth control and antibiotics DON’T MIX. ---
**Author:** ![Optihut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/edb3f5/32.png) [@Optihut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Optihut)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/14 "2004-05-10T22:28:52Z")
> [@Jurph](#): > > Helpful hint: if you’re too young to The problem is rather that I am too old and not getting any younger. There’s still no girlfriend in sight, so this was more of a hypothetical kind of question. For some reason the image of a condom wrapped over the tongue didn’t seem too practical to me, so I thought I’d ask… **Otto’s** answer of cutting up a condom and covering the “target area” rather than the tongue didn’t cross my mind before; sometimes I am not a practical thinker. ---
**Author:** ![elfbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b782af/32.png) [@elfbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfbabe)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/15 "2004-05-10T23:05:18Z")
**Optihut** , if you’re concerned about decreased sensation with a condom, do be aware that there are more choices than just the kind you find on the rack at the gas station. [Condomania.com](http://www.condomania.com/) seems to have a very nice selection, and I’ve heard good things about it. No personal experience, though. Those with far more experience in this subject than myself also seem to recommend putting a small amount of lube inside the tip of the condom so it slides around more and avoiding spermicidal lube if possible because some people are sensitive to it and it “makes your tongue numb”. (The latter being only an issue if you’re using one as an impromptu dental dam.) The things the internet makes me an expert on… :o ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/16 "2004-05-11T00:10:58Z")
> [@Jurph](#): > > Condoms, however, are estimated at 99% effective _when used properly_ – if it breaks, if you use the wrong lube, if you don’t immediately act to minimize her exposure to a full condom, or if you’ve put it on improperly, that number drops quickly. Can ijust add quickly to this that condms _and foam_ when used _together_ have the 99% effectiveness rate (I assumed that’s what you meant when you said “used properly” but I wanted to be sure.) Condoms used alone without a spermicidal foam range from 90%-98% (some sources have the ratings even lower at 88%-92% effective). ---
**Author:** ![Optihut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/edb3f5/32.png) [@Optihut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Optihut)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/17 "2004-05-11T00:48:11Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > Can ijust add quickly to this that condms _and foam_ when used _together_ have the 99% effectiveness rate (I assumed that’s what you meant when you said “used properly” but I wanted to be sure.) > > Condoms used alone without a spermicidal foam range from 90%-98% (some sources have the ratings even lower at 88%-92% effective). 90% effectiveness per use? That doesn’t sound right. If it were that bad, condoms would be pretty much useless as contraception: If one would assume that a couple has got sex just once a week, the effectiveness for a year would already be less than 0.5%, whereas it would still be slightly above 50%, if we’re to assume 99% effectiveness. Where do those percentage numbers come from? Googling “effectiveness condoms” didn’t yield conclusive results. ---
**Author:** ![elfbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b782af/32.png) [@elfbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfbabe)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/18 "2004-05-11T00:50:57Z")
> [@Optihut](#): > > 90% effectiveness per use? That doesn’t sound right. Contraceptive failure rates are based on a year of use, not on every single time. ---
**Author:** ![Optihut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/edb3f5/32.png) [@Optihut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Optihut)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/19 "2004-05-11T00:54:13Z")
> [@elfbabe](#): > > Contraceptive failure rates are based on a year of use, not on every single time. Ah, thanks for pointing that out. It makes sense now 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![elfbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b782af/32.png) [@elfbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfbabe)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350/20 "2004-05-11T00:59:31Z")
[Here is a site](http://www.sexuality.org/l/sex/contfail.html) on contraceptive failure rates that is explicit about what the rates mean. Be aware, though, that this is failure for pregnancy, not failure for disease. This particular site gives a failure rate of 3% for perfect use, 14% for typical use. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/safer-sex-question-tmi/244350.md?page=2)