# Saint Patrick's day joke **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 16, 2019, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239 "2019-03-16T21:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sherrerd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sherrerd/32/8_2.png) [@Sherrerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sherrerd)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/21 "2019-03-17T00:12:46Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Why did the Irish commandos raid Harrod’s? > > They’d heard they could find Summer Bed Linen on the fourth floor. And only eight years late. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/22 "2019-03-17T02:09:43Z")
> [@Sherrerd](#): > > And only eight years late. Present simple = We don’t know when it happened. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/23 "2019-03-17T03:21:34Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/24 "2019-03-17T03:25:13Z")
> [@Sherrerd](#): > > And only eight years late. Past simple = We don’t know when it happened. ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/25 "2019-03-17T04:13:03Z")
Two men are in a bar. The first one says to the second one, “Where ya from, friend?” Second guy says “I’m from Ireland.” First guy says “Are ya? So am I! Here’s to Ireland!” And they both take a drink. Second guy says “Where are ya from in Ireland?” First guy says “Dublin.” Second guy says “No kidding! Me too! Here’s to Dublin!” And they both take another drink. First guy says “So where did you go to school?” Second guy says “St. Mary’s!” First guy says “So did I! Here’s to St. Mary’s!” And they both take another drink. Second guy says “What year did you graduate?” First guy says “1974.” Second guy says “That’s crazy, me too!” About this time another guy walks into the bar and says hi to the bartender. “Hey Mikey, what’s up?” The bartender says “Well, the O’Malley twins are drunk again.” ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/26 "2019-03-17T05:08:41Z")
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/27 "2019-03-17T05:22:45Z")
An Irishman is going door to door in a ritzy neighborhood looking for work. He knocks at a door, and when the owner answers, he says “Might ye be having some work today?” The owner says, “My good man, you are in luck. I need someone to paint the porch and the fellow I hired didn’t show up. Go around the side of the house and you will find some green paint and the brushes all ready.” The Irishman says, “Thanks sir, I’ll have the work done in a jiffy.” A half hour later he comes back and knocks on the door. When the owner answers, he says “All done sir!” The owner is surprised to see him back so soon. He says “That didn’t take you very long!” The Irishman says, "It wasn’t very hard. And by the way, sir, that isn’t a Porsche, it’s a Mercedes. ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/28 "2019-03-17T05:26:05Z")
the real joke is what the irish ameicans have a butcher/meat company do to a fine piece of beef brisket:eek::D:p ---
**Author:** ![Dandan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@Dandan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dandan)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 9:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/29 "2019-03-17T09:29:24Z")
Wuh? OK, I’ll bite (not the brisket). Dan ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/30 "2019-03-17T12:30:13Z")
I think he’s just saying that corned beef is bad. That’s OK; I’ll take his portion. ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/31 "2019-03-17T13:04:44Z")
Three Irish boyos are on their front stoop, which happens to be across the street from a brothel. A Lincoln Continental pulls up to the brothel and a Protestant minister hops out and runs inside. “Well, there’s no surprise,” says one of the boyos. Moments later, a Mercedes Benz pulls up and a Jewish rabbi steps out and goes inside. “Of course,” says another boyo, “What do ye expect from the Jew?” Seconds later a Cadillac pulls up and a Catholic priest jumps out and goes into the whorehouse. “Moment of silence,” says the third boyo. “One of the garls moost’ve died.” ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/32 "2019-03-17T13:37:43Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > Is the \*real \*joke that Johnny Walker Black isn’t Irish? First thing I noticed. I was waiting for the punchline to center around that. (And maybe that Johnnie Walker Black isn’t a particularly good whisky, but that I could let slide.) The potato one had already been mentioned—that one’s pretty dark and I don’t dare say it around anyone, but it’s my kind of humor. ---
**Author:** ![bobot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobot/32/21622_2.png) [@bobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobot)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/33 "2019-03-17T13:47:36Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? > > … Oh no you di’int! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/34 "2019-03-17T14:07:57Z")
The brewery foreman goes to the O’Leary house. He knocks on the door and Mrs. O’Leary answers. He says, ‘I’m sorry, ma’am. But your husband Seamus has drowned in a vat of beer.’ Mr’s O’Leary says, ‘Oh, the poor man! He didn’t have a chance!’ The foreman says, ‘Well… He did get out three times to piss…’ Irish rheumatism: Where you get stiff in all of the joints. An Irishman fell down a flight of stairs with a _whole pint_ of Jameson’s, and he didn’t spill a drop. He kept his mouth closed. I wouldn’t say the Irish drink too much, but… I had an Irish friend who died, and his body was cremated. It took them three days to put out the fire. Did you hear about Irish VD? It’s where your penis goes to doublin’. Patrick and Michael were approaching each other on the sidewalk. When they saw each other, they happily ran to great each other… only to find that neither man was who the other thought he was. Patrick says, ‘I thought it was you, and you thought it was me, and Glory be! It wasn’t either of us!’ At the turn of the 20th Century Sean and Connor were sailing to America, despite their advanced ages. They got into an argument over what happens after you die. Connor happened to die in the night, and it was decided to bury him at sea. A crewman sewed him up in a sack, and weighted the sack with coal. As Conner was tipped into the sea, Sean says, ‘I knew where you were going, Connor; but I didn’t know you had to take your own fuel!’ ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/35 "2019-03-17T14:28:02Z")
A tourist traveling in Ireland walks into a bar. A man greets him as he walks in the door. “Welcome, stranger! But, before we can drink with you, we must ask one question: are you a Catholic, or a Protestant?” “Neither one. I’m Jewish.” “Well, that’s all right, then. But are you a Catholic Jew, or a Protestant Jew?” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/36 "2019-03-17T15:07:51Z")
Here’s one I made up. Did you know the last Queen of Hawaii was Irish? Lilly O’Killarney. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/37 "2019-03-17T15:11:30Z")
Donnelly was lying on his deathbed, when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage awoke him. He calls to his wife, ‘Molly, before I leave this world I’d like one more bowl of your wonderful corned beef and cabbage!’ Molly replies from the kitchen, ‘Sure, an’ I can’t give ye any. I’m savin’ it for the wake!’ ---
**Author:** ![Dandan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@Dandan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dandan)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/38 "2019-03-17T15:28:46Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > I think he’s just saying that corned beef is bad. That’s OK; I’ll take his portion. Thanks, Chronos - never built my own corned beef, so was unaware of the cut used. Now I feel inspired to try it! Dan ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/39 "2019-03-17T16:19:29Z")
Irishman is in a pub, and overhears 2 stout women at the bar. He says, “Excuse me, but would ye two ladies be from Scotland?” The larger of the two responds, “Wales, you wanker.” He says, “A thousand pardons. Would ye two whales be from Scotland?” ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2019, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239/40 "2019-03-17T16:25:16Z")
> [@Dandan](#): > > Thanks, Chronos - never built my own corned beef, so was unaware of the cut used. Now I feel inspired to try it! > > Dan As a bit of trivia, corned beef is not particularly a favorite in Ireland, but became so among Irish emigrants to the US. And they originally obtained it from Jewish butchers. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/saint-patricks-day-joke/831239.md?page=3)