# Same-Sex Flirting on the SDMB **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 15, 2001, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592 "2001-10-15T23:12:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/41 "2001-10-17T16:15:24Z")
Pseudo-bingo, Ethilrist. I’ve watched this thread for a day or two and, while mildly tempted to post, decided with the disgression route mainly because I did not want to be misinterpreted. Happily married, straight father here, 42 years old. I hope that I can laugh at somebody’s post (interesting choice of words considering the subject “at hand”) or agree with them vocally or compliment them on some insight without it being considered flirting. I’m not here because I want to expand my sexual horizons. I’m here because there are some hilarious and seriously intelligent people that frequent the SDMB and I hope I can tell them I like 'em and what they have to say without it being considered sexual, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. I’ve been hit on twice before by gay guys when I was out at a bar or a party. I’m sorry but I didn’t enjoy that experience or consider it a compliment. That’s just me but I certainly hope that the fact I’m straight doesn’t keep me from comfortably being able to say “damn Esprix, you really do rock” or “Bwhaha so-and-so, that’s some funny sh\*t” without that person thinking I’m interested. Let’s put it this way… “I like y’all for your mind.” Does that work okay? ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/42 "2001-10-17T16:48:36Z")
Dosen’t bother me IRL so why would it bother me if it happened here. Of course I’m not following through with anybody but this is just for the board. I have been mistaken for female a few times and I think it embarrassed the guys who have done it. (maybe it’s the ‘bra part of my name) So Esprix, How you doin’? ---
**Author:** ![breaknrun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbce88/32.png) [@breaknrun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaknrun)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/43 "2001-10-17T16:58:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > \*\*Does it make you uncomfortable when someone of the same gender flirts with you here on the boards? \*\* I don’t get flirted with on MBs but on the theory that you’re interested in hypothetical answers… nope not here or IRL. I do get flirted with IRL when I go to gay bars and I frequent them because I play on a couple gay pool leagues. If it doesn’t bother me there, it sure as heck won’t bother me here. > [@](#): > > Does it make a difference if it’s “in fun” or if you think they actually find you attractive? \*\* Well fun is fun but if someone’s flirting with you because they actually find you attractive, it would be more flattering. So only in that sense does it make a difference. I’m too dense to be able to tell the motivation though and I’d hate to misinterpret anything. > [@](#): > > Does it make a difference if you know they’re gay? Bisexual? Straight? \*\* Nope 3 times. > [@](#): > > Do you determine the gender of the person flirting with you before responding? \*\* Well yes, I mean I would want to make sure i respond with the correct pronouns, like **Geo** said. > [@](#): > > Is once ok? Twice? Sometimes? All the time? > \*\* Makes no difference. Oh for demographic analysis, I’m in the married/monogamous pigeonhole. ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/44 "2001-10-17T17:11:42Z")
'way I see it, is the way I tend to see everything else. A lot of people have no problems being flirted with by anyone of any gender or orientation; some find one or the other uncomfortable. For instance, lieu (and correct me if I’m wrong here), has expressed that he dosn’t really want to be flirted with on the board, period. So, don’t flirt with him. Now, I’m not suggesting that you remember everyone preferences as to who they do or do not want to be flirted with by (whoa, odd sentence), but ideally, it should run something like this: P1: _flirt with P2_ P2: P1, I’m not really interested in flirting. Thanks just the same, though. P1: Okay! Apologies! Of course, I’m an idealist. And I also have no problem being board-flirted with by anyone of either gender, though as mentioned by someone else, not too heavily as I don’t want to post anything I’d not want to show Ramoth. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/45 "2001-10-17T17:13:10Z")
> [@](#): > > I’ve been hit on twice before by gay guys when I was out at a bar or a party. I’m sorry but I didn’t enjoy that experience or consider it a compliment. Assuming that these guys weren’t doing some sort of actual gropage, I just don’t understand this reaction. Why would one not react to being hit on or flirted with by someone of the same sex as they would being hit on or flirted with by someone of the opposite sex in whom one is not interested? ---
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/46 "2001-10-17T17:42:31Z")
I’m married/monogamous, but I don’t mind if anyone of either sex flirts with me. As far as initiating flirts… I’m pretty lame at guessing gender unless it’s stated. Same with sexual orientation. And frankly, I’m not sure either one of those things is any of my damn business unless the poster chooses to tell us. (As in **Esprix’s** Ask the Gay Guy series, wherein he has chosen to share personal information for the delight and edification of the masses.) What makes some posters attractive to me is the wit and intelligence they display. They could look like Montgomery Burns in real life, but that doesn’t matter here. I find it rather refreshing that a sexy mind can strut it’s stuff. When I’m out in the real world, I don’t mind either flirts either. I won’t be taking advantage of any offers, but I see it as a compliment. ---
**Author:** ![breaknrun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbce88/32.png) [@breaknrun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaknrun)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/47 "2001-10-17T18:02:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Venoma \* > [B(said guys, if I was serious, you’d have a naked me on your lap. Think about it. Subtle I am NOT.) > \*\* I’m not sure that would be enough of a hint with me. This reminds me of a time… \ This guy I worked with had been messaging me and asked if I wanted to do something with him that weekend. I said sure and we spent the day at the park and then went to my apt and hung out for a while and soon after that he left. My gay roomates informed me that I had really confused this guy because he was expecting me to start some action. I’m like, no way , he knows I’m straight, blah blah. Later on, in conversation with another gay guy at work (I worked with a lot of gay guys in this job), he says “you know, everybody at work thinks you are so gay, right?” I’m like, “no way! really?” _click_ \ oh! so last weekend, gay guy#1 thought that was a date, huh? I felt dumb but probably not as dumb as the other guy. 🙂 \ carry on. just thought this might amuse somebody. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/48 "2001-10-17T18:05:34Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by **Fiver** _ > > Let’s turn this around, **Esprix** : how do you feel when straight women who know you’re gay flirt with you, either here or IRL? Here? No problems. IRL? Mostly I don’t notice, as I assume all women are that nice. When I do notice, I’m flattered, but politely point out that I’m gay. Then we chuckle. > [@](#): > > But I’m thinking, if I were a gay man and straight women flirted with me, there’s room for other feelings. Maybe she’s trying to convert you? Is she signaling some kind of homophobic antagonism? If, after I’ve pointed out I’m gay, they _persist_, then I get creeped, for the reasons you’re stating. > [@](#): > > I guess it would depend on how well you knew the woman. Bingo. I will admit it’s taken me a while to feel comfortable with it, but my female friends have all gotten me pretty used to it. I expect I felt as oogie at first as any straight guy who hangs out with gay men - eventually, though, he just gets used to the hugs and kidding around flirting and stuff. I think it’s made me a better person having those women in my life. I have this paranoia about going where I’m not wanted. If I’m on a date with someone, they call all the shots (which sometimes frustrates them, because they want me to lead, but unless I know that and know them well enough to be comfortable doing so, I won’t). I need to know boundaries beforehand, as I do not like “pushing the envelope” and then finding out where the lines are after I’ve crossed them. (I know some of you must find this surprising considering my forthrightedness, but there it is. I suppose I’ve just seen my forceful personality dominate other people to the point of making them uncomfortable once too often.) For these reasons, and for finding out a few things behind the scenes here at the SDMB, I am going to generally stop flirting online except with those who have given me express permission (such as my dear, beloved **matt\_mcl** ). I also hereby extend my sincerest apologies to anyone, male or female, gay or straight or bi, I have made unwanted remarks to, either seriously or in jest, that may have caused offense; I assure you it was not intentional, and it won’t be happening again. Lots of stuff going down. ☹ Esprix ---
**Author:** ![shell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/46a35a/32.png) [@shell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shell)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/49 "2001-10-17T18:14:42Z")
The gender or sexual preference of the flirt has never bothered me ( I tend to blush and giggle regardless ), but the _quality_ of the actual flirting often does. Some folks have made a great art out of flirting; they do it very well and it’s bunches of fun for both the flirter and the flirtee. I would rather have the attention of a consumate lesbian or bi female flirter ( I’m a straight female ), than the attention of an inept or awkward male flirter. ---
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/50 "2001-10-17T18:18:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > Lots of stuff going down. ☹ Again, none of my damn business; but I hope everything is OK. I’ve never seen any of your posts as offensive in that way. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/51 "2001-10-17T18:35:50Z")
Ditto. Man, don’t change your ways! We enjoy your posts too much. Sorry if other events have you down but you’ve got plenty of friends here that enjoy sharing with you. Nothing’s changed. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/52 "2001-10-17T18:54:56Z")
Esprix, that really makes me sad. I hope you haven’t been getting nasty email. I really don’t know you well (apart from reading the Gay Guy threads … hmm on second thought maybe I do know you pretty well!🙂 ) or interacted with you all that much, but I must say that your flirting has a lot to do with your effervescent personality! I personally never see message-board flirting as anything that could actually lead to something _happening_. But then, I’m a girl and truly can’t speak for how a man might feel if another guy flirts with him. I don’t think it’s the same for women. (Well, the straight women I know from message boards, at any rate. Hama’s contribution has me thinking about others’ perceptions.) Hope things look up, Gay Guy.™ ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/53 "2001-10-18T04:16:25Z")
Straight guy, checkin’ in. **Esprix** , why would you feel compelled to curb your personality? Did I miss something? You certainly don’t seem to fit the stalker profile, and anybody that takes offense at a little innocent flirting obviously has a bug up their ass. Myself, being endowed with a certain amount of boyish good-looks, 😉 get hit on by guys quite a bit. (Could also be because I wear leather and spend a bit of time in Vancouver’s [West End](http://content.gay.com/channels/travel/vancouver_1212.html), where my girlfriend lives.) One of the best afternoons my ego had was this summer when I was sitting having a coffee, and a girl came by and chatted me up for a bit, then took off, to be replaced by a guy who sat down and chatted me up. Whoo-hoo! Everybody loves me. Why would someone get uptight about someone being nice to them _online_? How can they _possibly_ feel threatened? Chin up, Esprix. You rock. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/54 "2001-10-18T04:16:35Z")
The only male that has even quasi-flirted with me might, perhaps, be **gobear** , but that was more of a compliment kinda thing. Frankly, I found it flattering. Heck, plenty of women will randomly flirt and throw out compliments (in theory), but hearing it from a gay man is something else. I’m not interested in a homosexual relationship, but I’m secure enough in my heterosexual manhood that it’s flattering. ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/55 "2001-10-18T04:44:07Z")
How about if we just flirt badly? Ladies, you all are wicked hot. Have hot sex with me because men are gross. ---
**Author:** ![TN\_hippie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@TN\_hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TN_hippie)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/56 "2001-10-18T05:16:07Z")
I enjoy flirting from either gender, on board or IRL. Pure ego boost. I often flirt back, simply because it’s harmless fun. ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/57 "2001-10-18T05:46:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > [BI am going to generally stop flirting online except with those who have given me express permission (such as my dear, beloved **matt\_mcl** I hereby give you express permission to flirt with me, call me your bitch, and/or spank my ass and call me Susan. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![fchick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/919ad9/32.png) [@fchick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fchick)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/58 "2001-10-18T06:49:02Z")
Mnementh - is that ok with F’lar? 😛 Andygirl: in the spirit of flirting badly… Heeeyy,come here often? ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/59 "2001-10-18T18:26:13Z")
Esprix, I would consider it an honor if you’d flirt with me. Really. Kinda like being flirted with by Yoda. Only cuter. Seriously, I’m amazed at whatever may have caused you to rethink your Board Flirting Policy. You always behaved with grace and decorum, and if that got someone’s dander up, that’s much more their problem than yours, it seems. But I don’t know the whole story, and your decisions always have people’s best interest in mind, so I trust that you’re doing this for the right reasons. And you can spank me, too, if you’d like. ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592/60 "2001-10-18T19:19:54Z")
Gosh, **Esprix** , don’t let some prim bluenose suppress your natural _joie de vivre_. I have never seen you post anything flirtaious on the board to anyone but **Matt** , so I can’t imagine anyone being offended. Besides, you’re handsome, personable, witty, and quite the catch. Ah, to be Filipino for an evening so you would want me.\ Anyhoo, you can flirt with me to your heart’s desire. There’s a big difference between the casual “hey, you look really great in that outfit” and a drunken, slurred “lesh go home and fuck, cuz yer hot,” regardless of the genders involved. In general, I don’t flirt with straight guys, ever. I think **Thinksnow** is handsome, intelligent, and masculine, but I only say that because we’re on the boards. If he and I were friends IRL, I would never let on any attraction and just be like any straight guy around him. I enjoy the attention when women flirt with me and I am not above the occasional grope because we both know that it’s harmless. (Sorry, **Geobabe** , that I haven’t groped you yet, but doing that at breakfast at the Watergate would have caused comment. Wait til Dope-A-Ween![evil laughter]) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/same-sex-flirting-on-the-sdmb/87592.md?page=2)