# Santa Reads The Doper Mailbag **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 21, 2001, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583 "2001-11-21T13:50:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/21 "2001-11-21T21:47:11Z")
Thank you, **Fran** , I was hoping someone would get to **Rue** , and I couldn’t think of anything funny enough. You were perfect. * * * Dear Santa, All I want is a hat with a feather in it. You know, to match my purse (or is it a satchel) and my cane. Masculinly yours, Feynn * * * Dear Santa, One thing. That’s all I ask for Christmas. IMHO Prom King/Class Clown. Enough Said, Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2001, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/22 "2001-11-21T21:56:05Z")
Dear Santa, I would **love** it if you could bring me something for my huge, gravitational head. Love, Joey H ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2001, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/23 "2001-11-22T18:04:01Z")
Dear Santa: Please make my husband’s sex drive stop. I’m tired. 😃 Love, **Persephone** * * * Dear Santa: Please, please, for the love of God, make all the Hot Doper Wimmens chase someone else. I’m tired of being treated like a piece of meat. Love, **UncleBill** * * * Dear Santa: If it’s not too much to ask, would you give me cooking lessons? I’m tired of Jack In The Box and frozen waffles. Love, **JavaMaven** * * * Dear Santa: Please find me a 65 year old man with no man-boobs, and no sex drive. I am tired of hot young things buzzing about and interrupting my dream-catcher-making time. Also, bring me some fried chicken. Love, **MamaHen** * * * Dear Santa: I would like for the sports channels that broadcast to my area to just go away. They get in the way of my figure-skating watching time, and I am not following Oksana Baiul’s career closely enough. Love, **Weirddave** * * * Dear Santa: I would like some new velcro gloves this year. Love, **Scylla** * * * Dear Santa: Please bring me an unlimited supply of freaky cyber-stalker dudes from the middle east. I can’t get enough of them. Also, cleavage would be nice, if you have room in your sack. Oh, and a job that allows me more time to spend at the Straight Dope, too. Love, **GingerOfTheNorth** ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/24 "2001-11-25T03:09:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*CrankyAsAnOldMan \*\* > …please don’t let Ohio State be _too_ humiliated this weekend. Looks like Santa came early this year, eh? You should know better than to tempt a man wearing Scarlet and Grey [sub](okay, so it’s red and fire-place ash, but still…)[/sub]. ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/25 "2001-11-25T03:22:12Z")
Dear Santa: All I want for Christmas is my foreskin back. Sincerely, Jack Dean Tyler ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/26 "2001-11-25T06:44:01Z")
Damn you! Damn you straight to the fiery depths of hell, **MEBuckner**!! ---
**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/27 "2001-11-25T13:53:46Z")
Dear Santa: All I want is catnip, lots and lots of tummyrubs, and plenty of caviar. Purrs, ~cougarfang~ P.S. and can you get my friend Wind Sorceress a spell-compatible computer? Thank you very much 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/28 "2001-11-25T14:36:56Z")
Dear Santa, I wanna be a big movie star. Telenovelas and space operas are OK and all, but I have to think about my career. celestina * * * Dear Santa, I want Kenny merchandise. You know, I killed Kenny, I have explosive diarreah, all that stuff. Thanks. cmkeller * * * Dear Santa, Please don’t give me Arcanum, Kessen II, Civ III, Diablo II Expansion, or any other video games. I am trying to finish school here. sturmhauke ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/29 "2001-11-25T15:05:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by thinksnow \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*\*CrankyAsAnOldMan \*\* > > …please don’t let Ohio State be _too_ humiliated this weekend. > > Looks like Santa came early this year, eh? You should know better than to tempt a man wearing Scarlet and Grey [sub](okay, so it’s red and fire-place ash, but still…)[/sub]. \*\* I know, all night long I’ve been wondering how you, you of all people, could have been such a good boy all year that Santa would reward you in spades like this. All I can say is, thank god Bunnygirl asked Mr. Cranky and I to come over for dinner last night. If she hadn’t, Mr. Cranky would have actually _attended_ that game. Talk about a waste of an afternoon… ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/30 "2001-11-25T15:09:16Z")
Dear Hanukkah Harry, All these Doper birthdays and all have taken their toll on my baking stuff. Can I have a new set? I’m not picky, but I prefer Calphalon. Thank you in advance, MsRobyn ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/31 "2001-11-25T15:51:01Z")
Dear Hanukkah Harry, I know I already asked for baking stuff, and while that would be nice what I really meant to ask for is a certaian Airman who shall remain nameless. He doesn’t have to be gift wrapped, in fact I prefer him naked. Thank you in advance again Ms [sub] Lusty [/sub] Robyn [sub] Please don’t kill me Robyn [/sub] Dear Santa How are you ? I am doing well. I would like to discover a new type of beer. It should be a dark beer, one that tastes great, is less filling and is totally counteracted by one cup of coffee no matter how much I drink. Thanks UncleBeer ---
**Author:** ![JavaMaven1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/cab0a1/32.png) [@JavaMaven1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JavaMaven1)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/32 "2001-11-25T21:15:18Z")
[sub]Inspired by his IRC quit line…[/sub] Dear Santa Please bring me more pubes. These two are getting lonely. Thanks, **Mercutio** [sub]ducks & runs[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/33 "2001-11-25T21:35:15Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by thinksnow \* > **Butt-Plug of Ruination** _ Band name! ---
**Author:** ![Nymysys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f6c823/32.png) [@Nymysys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nymysys)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/34 "2001-11-25T23:38:27Z")
Hey, hey, HEY! Let’s leave my butt plug out of this, shall we? The **Butt Plug of Doom** is good enough for any man, woman or beast, thenkyewveddymuch. [sub]Geez, thinksnow, you’ll scare the chilluns.[/sub] Man, ya throw one little ChiDope or two and people think they know ya… And, since I’m in this thread: Dear Jewwy Claus, A billion dollars and a Danny Elfman soundtrack for my next movie, please. We’ll talk, babe. My people can pencil yours in for lunch. Also, let every, single 14 year old with a crush on Seann William Scott get into my R rated movie. Love your work, and I mean that. **Morphy** Asshole, Just a motherlovin’ BREAK, dude! PLEASE?! **Nen** Yo, big dude! Nuttin’ here, man. I’m all cool. Just some peace and love and for people to chill the fuck out and shit. Peace out, yo. **Demo** Santa, I’ve tried everything. I’ve flirted, I’ve improved myself, I’ve made sacrifices and concessions. I’ve befrinded his friends, even. Please let Maeglin finally notice me for the love-monkey I am. **lno** P.S. You’ve gotten a bad deal on your translation. I’ll take care of that if you hook me up. ---
**Author:** ![MamaHen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c89c15/32.png) [@MamaHen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MamaHen)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2001, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/35 "2001-11-25T23:41:36Z")
Dear Santa, Only one request, heal my nroken heart please? Oh and a life time supply of batteries wouldn’t hurt either 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2001, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/36 "2001-11-26T00:19:05Z")
Dear Santa, Don’t give SPOOFE _my_ underpants. I wouldn’t be the same without them. FireUnderpantsBoobs ---
**Author:** ![Nymysys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f6c823/32.png) [@Nymysys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nymysys)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2001, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/37 "2001-11-26T00:24:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nymysys \* > **…I’ve befrinded his friends, even.** Including the ones that can’t spell. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![celestina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/258eb7/32.png) [@celestina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/celestina)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2001, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/38 "2001-11-26T06:45:09Z")
* * * sturmhauke said: "Dear Santa, I wanna be a big movie star. Telenovelas and space operas are OK and all, but I have to think about my career. celestina" * * * LOL!!! How did you know, dear? :0) * * * Dear Santa, Please disable the 😃 function on Persephone’s computer. Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter. Love, Xploder :D:D:D:D:D:D:D;):D:D:D:D:D:D:D * * * Dear Santa, Please send me a fairy godmother who can with a wave of her magic wand instantaneously clean my house up for me before folks get here for the Dopefest in January. Thanks. Biggirl * * * ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2001, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/39 "2001-11-26T08:56:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by celestina \* > **LOL!!! How did you know, dear? :0)** It’s like Colibri said, I’m either psychic or psychotic. Perhaps both. I believe the matter may best be settled by a vote. The unitiated should refer to [Collounbury’s most unsatisfactory Pit thread.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=98426) Just remember to keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2001, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583/40 "2001-11-27T00:32:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ayesha \* > \*\*Dear Hanukkah Harry, > > I know I already asked for baking stuff, and while that would be nice what I really meant to ask for is a certaian Airman who shall remain nameless. He doesn’t have to be gift wrapped, in fact I prefer him naked. > > Thank you in advance again > Ms [sub] Lusty [/sub] Robyn > > [sub] Please don’t kill me Robyn [/sub] > \*\* He would be more than welcome under my menorah! If only I didn’t have to share him with the USAF… Robin [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santa-reads-the-doper-mailbag/94583.md?page=3)