# Santa's new little helpers **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 7, 2002, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180 "2002-12-07T20:03:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/1 "2002-12-07T20:03:34Z")
Hello and welcome to the North Pole! I’m Carrol D. Bells, the leader of the Elf Union, local 1225. With the holiday rush, we’re hiring on new elves to help us get through this hectic time. All of you will report to billeting to pick out your new Elf name and get the required Elf uniform. I’m sorry, they only come in green and red. However each hat does come with either a silver or gold bell. Boy elves go through that door on my right, the girl elves off to my left. Those of you who can’t make up your mind, well, we’ll work something out! Then we need you to decide which part of North Pole Enterprises you’ll be working for. We’ll need plenty of help in the bakery! Mrs. Claus is behind schedule again. The reindeer need tending and grooming for the Big Day. Also, someone needs to clean out the stable. Of course there’s the toy workshop, too! And the trees around Santa’s castle need to be decorated. We also need volunteers to get Santa into his sleigh and to help deliver presents on his Big Day. Yes, we also require help in the infirmery, especially oral surgeons and hygienists! We only eat cake, cookies, candy and other sweet holiday foods here, so you can imagine what our teeth look like! One more word, there’s a [UN Inspection Team](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=148247) here. We advise you DO NOT talk to them, under any circumstances! That’s, all! Get to it, Elves! ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/2 "2002-12-07T21:09:07Z")
Elf **Rico** reporting for duty! I’ll be in charge of KELF Radio. I’ll do the morning show and keep the troops happy with music and fun talk radio. Our midday show will be Dr. Laura Elfinger, until we find out she has a secret agenda of berating elves who live the “alternative” lifestyle of Nutra-Sweet[sub]TM[/sub] instead of sugar in their candy canes. Upon her departure we will bring on Rush Elfbaugh, and the EIB (Elves In Broadcasting) network. Afternoons will be handled by Elfman Jack, spinning the Christmas hits and howling in that low alto Elf voice he does so well. At 6:00PM we will emulate the great stations of the USA, and go automated voice tracked, no one there, but continuous Christmas music, 12 in a row, followed by 18-20 minutes straight of commercials. And how does that sounds, Carrol? ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/3 "2002-12-07T22:25:24Z")
Stable need clearing out? I’m your man…er…elf! I’ll scoop the poop and I won’t even ask for pay. You see, I have a cunning plan[…](http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=985957151) ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/4 "2002-12-08T02:36:44Z")
::slips into the door on the right:: Hi guys, wanna have a little fun ? ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/5 "2002-12-08T03:11:14Z")
I can help keep the Christmas ferrets in line! Er, well, I’ll try at least! 😃 Huh…? What do you mean you’ve never heard of Christmas ferrets before? Who do you have climbing the Christmas trees, knocking ornaments off, running through the flour in the kitchen, and so forth? Sheesh. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/6 "2002-12-08T04:29:45Z")
The kittens, of course. ---
**Author:** ![ijustdontcare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c57346/32.png) [@ijustdontcare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ijustdontcare)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/7 "2002-12-08T05:59:37Z")
Hey. I’ll take one of those green suits. I’ll help Santa get into his sleigh. I think if anybody can give the big guy a boost, I can. I’ll help on the deliveries, too, but only if Ayesha comes along to make the trip more interesting! ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/8 "2002-12-08T09:04:49Z")
Can I have a red jacket and green pants? And both silver and gold bells? Elf Kallessa just does not conform to uniform codes. Plus you really wouldn’t want to see me in red pants, even with a long jackey there is just no disguising some things. That being said, I’m obviously a natural to help Mrs. Claus with the baking. My specialities are chocolate cookies–chocolate snappers, chocolate crinkles, chocolate teacakes, chocolate brownies, and chocolate chip (both soft and chewy (yuck) or golden crunchy (yum)). But I also turn out a smart sugar cookie and a peanut butter cookie par excellence. I have a couple of good ginger cookie receipes as well–but I hate the smell of molassas, so I’d need some eggnog to willingly make those. Oh, and chocolate fudge–not a cookie, but another in my repertoire of delectable delicacies. P.S. I’m a Pagan, can I get December 21 off? I mean, it’s in the union contract, right? ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/9 "2002-12-08T11:44:38Z")
Sign me up. With my current experience of performing functional testing of new production aircraft, I will give the sleigh a thorough going over. We don’t need any mechanical delays like we have had the past couple of years. ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/10 "2002-12-08T12:31:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ijustdontcare \* > \*\*Hey. I’ll take one of those green suits. I’ll help Santa get into his sleigh. I think if anybody can give the big guy a boost, I can. > > I’ll help on the deliveries, too, but only if Ayesha comes along to make the trip more interesting! \*\* Yep that’s me \*the elf in charge of making things _interesting_. So \*\* idon’tcare \*\* how \*\* you \*\* doing ? ---
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/11 "2002-12-08T17:56:14Z")
**Elf Rico** , that’s great. The thing KELF has been playing for the past two years is Bing Crosby’s _White Christmas_ and the Carpenter’s _Greatest Christmas Hits_. A little variety would be nice. **Elf Tapioca Dextrin** , that’s great. Better than coal in the stockings! **Elf Ayesha** you’re promoted to the Morale Dept! **Elf Ferret Herder** thanks so much. The ferret problem has been getting worse over the past few years. Can you train them to put decorations on the trees? **Efl Kat** , great, as we needed someone to handle the kittens as gifts this year. **Elf ijustdontcare** , that’s fine. Make sure the sleigh is ready. Check the maps, the heating system and polish the runners. Also, stock the stereo system with Santa’s favorite CDs! **Elf Kallessa** , I think we can accomodate you with your uniform requests. Thanks for the help in the kitchen, but just be careful around the rum for the fruit cakes. We’re thinking of opening a chapter of AA here because of it. **Elf racer72** , you can help **Elf ijustdontcare** get the sleight ready! Now, see still need people to help make and wrap gifts, any takers? ---
**Author:** ![Biotop](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biotop/32/321_2.png) [@Biotop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biotop)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/12 "2002-12-08T18:21:32Z")
I’ll need to know a few things. 1. What’s the pay like? 2. Insurance-- It’s friggin’ cold up at the North Pole. Are the North Pole Enterprises people able to cover us in case of frostbite, flu, abominable snow monster attack, and chills? 3. I’m not to keen on singing elf songs, is that OK? 4. I have to visit my family during Christmas week, so I’ll need that time off…OK? 5. Do we get a discount on toys? 6. Am I allowed enough creativity in my toymaking? At my last job they couldn’t understand why I wanted to make a Charlie-in-the-box, a choo-choo with square wheels, or a water pistol that shoots jelly. I want a more enlightened work environment. 7. Can I leave the Pole during breaks? 8. My intolerance for sugar is especially strong. Do you have any sugar-free work zones? 9. Does North Pole Enterprises recycle? 10. Where’s the bathroom? Let me know soon…I need a job! ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2002, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/13 "2002-12-08T18:33:56Z")
Im in. With all those sweets you’ll need some one to keep everyone trim('cept Santa). On Dec 27 will be the first annual “Rudolph 10K” and a special Fun Run for all the young elves. ---
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/14 "2002-12-09T18:36:31Z")
**Elf Kallessa** , yes, you can have the 21st off. We here at North Pole Enterprises respect and value our employees and their beliefs. **Elf Biotop** , well, that’s quite a list. We might set you up with helping Santa. Let’s see: 1. your pay is minmum wage, but all other necessities are covered, like food, lodging and medical insurance during your stay here at the North Pole. 2. Flu, colds and chills are covered. Abominable attacks are not. Sorry, the rider on the insurance is just too much. We advise you to not stray too far from the Pole. 3. That’s okay. We’ve given up on elf songs and now use KELF to spread some seasonal cheer. Of course, for religious music, you simply visit one of our religious institutions and join in. All religions that have celebrations this time of year are represented here at North Pole Enterprises. 4. Uh, sorry… no can do. That’s why we hired you. However, your family is free to visit us here and help join in! 5. Yes, a 10% employee discount is available for those who have been with us for one year or more. 6. We value creativity here at North Pole Enterprises. While in the past we stuck to more traditional toys, the market has opened up and we’ve discovered there are boys and girls who enjoy such unothrodox toys. Show us your best! 7. yes, but it is ill-advised. Please see my response to #2 8. Unfortunately, we only eat traditional holiday foods here. You might want to pack your own breakfast/lunch/dinner. 9. yes, we do. 10. see that big patch of yellow snow over there? **Elf runner pat** Excellent! Nothing like a brisk run in subzero weather! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/15 "2002-12-09T18:41:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Freyr \* > **Elf Ayesha** you’re promoted to the Morale Dept! You ought to make her Santa’s Official Architect. I can testify that she has an aptitude for helping me erect a tower, anytime, day or night. What? ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/16 "2002-12-09T19:17:02Z")
Thank you! Elfs and Elfettes, I proudly announce the all new improved super deluxe heavy duty incredible superb… KELF Radio! 1225 on your AM dial - in Fabulous ElfStereo! Rocking around your Christmas Tree 24 hours a day! We start tomorrow morning. ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/17 "2002-12-09T21:36:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ayesha \* > \*\*Hi guys, wanna have a little fun ? \*\* Well, OK, but I have been _scooping reindeer poop_ for the past two days. It’s not pheromones I’m reeking of, but I’m up for "X"mas related shennanigans. ---
**Author:** ![cadolphin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c37758/32.png) [@cadolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cadolphin)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/18 "2002-12-09T22:26:24Z")
Elf Dolphin reporting. I’d like to apply for a postion in the new North Pole Aquarium. Will a physical exam be required? ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2002, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/19 "2002-12-10T00:16:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor \* > \*\*You ought to make her Santa’s Official Architect. > > I can testify that she has an aptitude for helping me erect a tower, anytime, day or night. > > What? \*\* :eek: :o 🆒😃 Thanks sweetie. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2002, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180/20 "2002-12-10T00:26:49Z")
I’m a terrific gift-wrapper. Anything from conventional boxes to weird shapes to disguising easily recognizable parcels. Bows, ribbons, streamers, curls, tags - I do it all! All I ask in return is an occasional shoulder rub or foot massage. And chocolate. Whaddya say? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/santas-new-little-helpers/141180.md?page=2)