# Sarcastic Answer Theater **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 9, 2004, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934 "2004-12-09T16:10:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![emekthian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecae2f/32.png) [@emekthian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emekthian)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2004, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/21 "2004-12-11T21:46:56Z")
Why can’t I sing and play an instrument at the same time? –Obviously, it’s because you suck. You really, really suck. If someone with a very secret Govt job dies do they get a public obituary notice? –No, they get a very secret obituary notice. Opposite of phallic? –Yer mom last night. :moronic laughter: Why do humans cook food? –For the same reason bricks don’t. Why don’t stray dogs form packs? –Lack of dog cub scouts ---
**Author:** ![Nametag](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nametag/32/406_2.png) [@Nametag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nametag)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2004, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/22 "2004-12-12T08:07:08Z")
\*\*Boar and/or tile games and Triangles \*\*I try not to play games with pigs. \*\*Can sound waves bend metal? \*\*No, but certain words can blister paint… \*\*How Much Does/Should A Newborn Eat? \*\*That’s “how many does should a newborn eat?” and children shouldn’t eat whole game animals until they’re a year old. **Missing a dose of effexor** No I’m not, you forgot your question mark, and what are you implying? **How could I buy artwork by Charlie Crumb?** Oh! How _could_ you? **How Commoditized Are Modern Macs?** Thanks to rigorous specifications and corporate quality control systems, MacDonalds food products now are freely traded all over the world. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2004, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/23 "2004-12-13T16:38:17Z")
> [@Rubystreak](#): > > [ **Creative suicide** > > Jump off a tall building onto a blank canvas Just beautiful. **I consider the will to be an illusion** Just suck it up dude, your Aunty left all her money to the cat home. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2004, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/24 "2004-12-13T17:33:31Z")
**Why do Buddhists wear orange?** It’s a sensible precaution during hunting season, particularly since they’re unarmed. **Invisible scary skeletons kept me up late last night** It’s those damn voices – telling me to burn things. **How would a history book written by the victorious Nazis read?** In German **What’s the single greatest run in comics history?** My vote goes to the Superman/Flash race around the world **What to do in San Francisco/Anything to do in Springfield, MO** It just goes to show, you think you have problems, and then some poor soul comes along to put things into perspective **Should I drop out of college?** Not if you’re in Springfield, MO ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2004, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/25 "2004-12-13T21:06:30Z")
**How do you get up?** I head in the opposite direction from down. **Is this freedom?** It is if I say it is. **Why do people think my login name in Karl?** I usually think your login name in English. What language is Karl? **Should I have my dad hypnotized?** Depends. Do you need the eggs? **Learning the trumpet?** Nope, just bad gas. Sorry. **Can I get over a sinus infection without antibiotics?** I’m not sure. Is your sinus infected with biotics? ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2004, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/26 "2004-12-13T21:32:15Z")
**How do you get up?** Porn. **3 Things You’ll Never Do** Walk off a cliff. Drink piss. Punch the Prime Minister. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2004, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/27 "2004-12-13T23:43:54Z")
**Simple math question about population** Yep; it’s getting bigger. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/28 "2004-12-14T03:56:56Z")
**Consider a cube made of resistors** OK. Now what? **How do pilot and co-pilot share handling the main controls to an airplane?** They push the stick in opposite directions, and the one who pushes hardest wins. **Why can’t I look at my own medical charts?** Because they’re hanging off the far end of the bed. **Was there communion wine during Prohibition?** Yes. In fact, there were a number of religious sects that formed during the period, on the basis that the ancient Hebrew had been mistranslated and actually referred to communion gin. **A really stupid question** No, actually that’s a really stupid statement. Questions customarily end with a question mark. See? **The Toyota emblem - what is it?** It’s not an emblem, it’s an anti-radar device. You can go as fast as you want. Really. \*\*What happens if married parents disagree over the name of their newborn child? ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/29 "2004-12-14T04:03:43Z")
Damn submit button jumped out in right in front of my speeding cursor. Curses. **What happens if married parents disagree over the name of their newborn child?** An arbitrator is called in, and they are forced to name it ‘Otis’ or ‘Hermione’, depending on gender. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2004, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/30 "2004-12-15T17:45:32Z")
**Indecency complaints about the Olympics opening ceremony.** While the athlete tearing off his clothes, expressing his undying devotion to his ex was probably out of line, you must realize he’s really carrying a torch for her. \*\*What Are the Consequences of an R7 credit rating? \*\* Nothing special, but you’ll want to shoot for something higher. The R2 credit rating, for instance, signifying selling out after making a highly successful trilogy of science fiction films and having, as a result, millions and millions of dollars. \*\*British Buffy Fans - I have a question \*\* Let me guess - “What’s all this, then?” **Death Penalty for Peterson; A bad call by the jury?** Well, he was travelling when he went to the hoop; still, it does seem a bit extreme. \*\*Teen slang, “Dragging” \*\* You misheard. It’s “Dragoning” - watch your child carefully, she may be beginning a descent into the dark world of roleplaying games. **If you were sent back to 1800 and could only take one machine what would it be?** The time machine they used to send me there. ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2005, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/31 "2005-01-24T22:13:18Z")
😉 Sticky: IMPORTANT: Slight changes in forum rules - resurrection not forbidden Sticky: Comment on new Forum Rules Sticky: Forum Rules: PLEASE READ _If a picture’s worth a thousand words, how many feet of red tape are 3 Sticky threads of rules worth?_ “Alien” nitpick: How did it get so big? _Flattery wil get you nowhere. And no, I was born here._ Movie pet peeve: casting actors of inappropriate age for the role. _Without even reading the thread, I’ll lay 6-1 odds there’s been at least one mention of Anakin Skywalker and Wesley Crusher_ What M. Night Shyamalan movies do you like? _I wonder how many people listed Unbreakable and heaped scorn on The Sixth Sense_ Enterprise - “Hoshi Effect” [Spoilers] ( 1 2 ) _I’m looking forward to the Enterprise Hush Effect thread_ Lame Artists Who Made One Good Song? _[Elvis](http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/conspiracies/59433) doing Jailhouse Rock_ Commercials that make you cry… _That one for Lipton’s Onion soup mix gets me everytime_ Idiot’s Delight Interviews I Must Share - Pete Hamill ¤ Jeff Buckley ¤ Norah Jones _Why do these assholes start threds like this?_ Could a Nazgul kill Gandalf? _Could a mod please kill this (millionth) LOTR thread?_ Battlestar Galactica- 1/21 “Bastille Day”(Spoilers) _Don’t watch it. All I can do is thank Christ the SciFi Channel can’t remake Space 1999 without looking like complete idiots_ Desperate Housewives 1/23 (Contains spoilers) _Spoilers? I assumed soap operas were exempt from requiring that kind of warning._ ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2005, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/32 "2005-01-24T22:41:55Z")
**is God a dinosaur?** Yes, he’s a velociraptor and he says you’d better be in church this week. **Why does a cat eat pampas leaves?** Because the holly leaves scratch too much going down. **Why does loss of blood cause numbness?** Loss of blood causes death. Death causes numbness. ---
**Author:** ![Merhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Merhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merhouse)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/33 "2005-01-25T00:19:46Z")
## I have been in a particularly obnoxious and sarcastic mood lately, even for me. My apologies in advance. **Why does a cat eat pampas leaves?** Because it can. **How many lottery tickets must be bought to assure every combination of numbers?** All of them. **Why are flies so fast?** Because they fly. **Do vegetarians live longer?** No, it just seems that way. **Gruesome mutilation crime** As opposed to the non-gruesome mutilation crime? **My computer’s microphone stopped working.** Fire it. **Preventing IE from taking focus.** Rub it with vaseline. **Why do dogs chase their tails?** Because they can (like the cats who eat pampas leaves) **How do movies get translated?** Through translators. **Why do dogs shake their heads?** Predictably, because they can. **How do winter clothes protect us from the cold?** By keeping us warm. **What’s fun to do in Plano, TX?** Leave? ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/34 "2005-01-25T02:13:18Z")
**What should I put in my five gallon aquarium** I’d start with water. **Have you blown up a picture to poster size? How’d it turn out?** Big. **What would it take for you to become a zoo exhibit?** Bars. And some sort of legislative reform. **Would this be concidered life?** No. You should get out more. See a movie once in a while. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/35 "2005-01-25T04:23:59Z")
\*\*How can they tell when a song is performed for copyright? \*\* The band starts playing their instruments and the singer starts singing. **Why outside mailboxes in America?** Because when they tried inside mailboxes, the mail carriers kept getting arrested for B&E. \*\*Why do low-res images look worse close up? \*\* Because you’re sitting wayyyyyy too close to the monitor. **positive effects of smoking?** Death. ---
**Author:** ![BrattiAtti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c57346/32.png) [@BrattiAtti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrattiAtti)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/36 "2005-01-25T05:26:41Z")
**Why Are Mothers Awarded Custody More Often Than Men?** I’m thinking it’s because family has priority. **Ashlee Simpson’s new show…** The Proper Timing for Convincing Lip Synching **hypothetical auto accident question** Insurance fraud is a crime, buster! ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/37 "2005-01-25T05:57:34Z")
**I agree with Caligula, aren’t people awful?** No they’re just drawn that way **What happened to the Presidential Inauguration?** Damn. It was right here in Washington, DC a minute ago **What’s with the arrogance?** Who you calling arrogant? Huh? Well? **Campbell’s soup is going DOWN** Dammit. I should have listened to my broker **You laughed when they went after the Telletubbies** You’ll wet yourself when they go after the Wiggles **Seems like time for more mini-rants** Now with wings and extra absorbency **Teachers are lazy wankers** You’re a role model, put some spirit into that wanking! **Moron dies of ecstasy overdose** At least he died smiling ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/38 "2005-01-25T07:17:27Z")
\*\*Mackin’? \*\* Nope. Windowsin’. \*\*Why does your heart hurt? \*\* Could be those 5 burritos I had… \*\*Can the bladder re-absorb liquid? \*\* Why? Are you trying to un-pee? ---
**Author:** ![Iceland\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/4bbf92/32.png) [@Iceland\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iceland_Blue)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/39 "2005-01-25T12:23:52Z")
> [@Monstre](#): > > **Why does a cat eat pampas leaves?** > Because the holly leaves scratch too much going down. I’m going to hell for this Is that how the blood got on Ian’s clothes?Holly scratching too much going down? ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934/40 "2005-01-25T14:09:41Z")
\*\*Commercials that make you cry… \*\* You know that Domino’s one, about the extra pizzas for five dollars each? \*\*Lost 1.14: “Special” \*\* The castaways take the short bus off the island. \*\*OMFG: There really IS a Kegelcisor® \*\* From the people who brought you the Penis Mightier. \*\*What can be done to improve communism? \*\* Privatize it. \*\*Democracy: The Cure for Terrorism? \*\* Take two houses of legislature, and call me in the morning. \*\*Canadian #1s-where can I find them? \*\* Regrettably, all the first-issue Canadians like the original Barry Manilow are owned by private collectors, and sometimes fetch up to $50,000 on the open market. (That’s $32.50, in American dollars.) \*\*“Lost in Space” backstory: Who was Dr. Smith working for? \*\* NAMBLA. \*\*Why does my car still work after 100K miles of not changing the oil? \*\* Matchbox only uses high-quality die-cast metal. **What’s fun to do in Plano, TX?** Well, you can go visit nearby Plinko, TX, original home of the game that the Price is Right made famous. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answer-theater/278934.md?page=3)