# Sarcastic Answers III: Not Just For GQ Anymore! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 25, 2006, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163 "2006-08-25T05:44:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/1 "2006-08-25T05:44:05Z")
IMHO: **Where do you buy your clothes?** At a store. **50th anniversary - is this a stupid present?** Yes. **How do you buy a bike?** Go to the bike store and ask to exchange the currency of your country for a bicycle. **Did you guys thing I was just kidding?** Yes; next time make more sense. GQ: **What mammal has the largest testicles compared to its overall body size?** Me. **Running barefoot?** No, I’m sitting down right now; why do you ask? **How much memory does IE use?** All of it; that’s why Windows crashes so often. **Was the gold making aspect of alchemy a hoax?** No, they could really do it; unfortunately, their secret was never released to the world. **Can I buy red ochre?** Yes, but you must first go on a long and arduous quest to the ends of the earth; we’re hoping that you give up before then. **How do you get to be a General or an Admiral?** Practice, practice, practice! **Baseball: Why do hitters hit between 20% and 30% of the time?** Because they all suck. \*\*Why can’t you just quit the army? \*\* Otherwise nobody would stay. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/2 "2006-08-25T06:11:46Z")
From IMHO: \*\*Do You Read The Obituaries? \*\* Yes, I’m always hoping to see some of my friends mentioned… \*\*I’m going to Washington D.C. _Squee!_ Help? \*\* It’s on the east coast. Kind of in the middle. \*\*Tell me about your memory \*\* Certainly. It’s… I’m sorry, I forgot the question…? \*\*How do you buy a bike? \*\* 1. Walk into bike store 2. Select bike. 3. Give clerk cash, check, or credit card. \*\*What can we ask of our self? \*\* Self, who are we? \*\*Do _good_ attorneys advertise? \*\* Does Santa Claus crap in the woods? \*\*Cat sitting - how do I prepare? \*\* Tie the cat to the chair first. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/3 "2006-08-25T12:55:09Z")
I was just about to start one of these yesterday. Innnteresting. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/4 "2006-08-25T13:04:32Z")
**Alex\_Dubinsky And The Fatal Foreskin** Yes, it’s the new “adult-oriented” Harry Potter book, why do you ask? ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/5 "2006-08-25T13:59:56Z")
From GQ: **Did you ever rmake a choice?** Once, when I was about 13, but I learned my lesson. **Why is my friend’s blood pressure higher than mine?** Because you’re _that_ annoying. **Why are dairy products hard on the colon?** How would _you_ feel about being squeezed through someone’s intestines? It just so happens that dairy products have the balls to speak up. **Bats in the House! AAAAGH!** Next time pretend you’re not home and maybe the in-laws will leave. **Car battery: health check?** Sure, if you want, but it’s a really poor substitute for a real set of defibrilators. **Any website with a database on how much celebs are worth?** You buying or selling? I’ve got a slightly used Corey Feldman… From CS: **The Sultan’s Elephant: I just now found out about this!** Look, what the sultan and his pachyderm do is none of your damn business. **So, why _did_ the music die with Buddy Holly?** Because his casket was sound-proof. **Naked muppets?** Not even at my most drunk, no. From IMHO: **Need suggestions for what to do with my problem skin** Money is the great motivator. Revoke its allowance for the next month. **What is your favorite skyscraper?** My penis. **Rules for Construction Workers at Schools.** Whistling at the cute 8th grader is very bad form. **Ever been counter-offered?** Once, but I turned it down. What the hell do I need with another counter? **Driving while O’Reillying** Keep his head down low enough that the bobbing can’t be seen from the next car over and you should be pretty safe. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/6 "2006-08-25T15:43:02Z")
\*\*How do you handle conspiracy theorists? \*\* With tongs. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/7 "2006-08-25T17:03:54Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] **What is your favorite skyscraper?** My penis. [/QUOTE] Last night I almost posted this exact same one, but I decided it was too… cocky. ---
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/8 "2006-08-25T19:41:57Z")
**How do I make a telephone ring?** Dial its number. Jeez, Cecil was right–they’re going to have to start putting instructions on toilet paper. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/9 "2006-08-25T19:52:07Z")
[QUOTE=Freddy the Pig] **How do I make a telephone ring?** Dial its number. Jeez, Cecil was right–they’re going to have to start putting instructions on toilet paper. [/QUOTE] Dial? Dial! Cecil was right–some folks do need correct instructions. ---
**Author:** ![Caught\_Work](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/919ad9/32.png) [@Caught\_Work](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caught_Work)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 9:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/10 "2006-08-26T09:36:13Z")
\*\*Sarcastic Answers III: Not Just For GQ Anymore! \*\* Well, duh! ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/11 "2006-08-26T13:34:55Z")
**I’m a daddy again. I will bore you.** Too late. **Grandpa was a Tommy Gunner!** Sadly, Tommy was the paperboy. **I curse my mutts intelligence** , posted by **bluepitbull** God, where to start with this one… **Sharing an apartment with a cat** Bad idea. They play music late at night, run up the gas bill and never replace the toilet paper. **Rules for Construction Workers at Schools.** Always leave one brick loose in the wall of the girl’s shower room. **Driving while O’Reillying** Keep right. **Battlestar Galactica—Technical Question** A Wizard did it. **So, is Lieberman really gonna do it?** CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! **Which religions forbid women to wear pants or cut their hair?** Well, there’s this place in France… ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/12 "2006-08-26T13:55:01Z")
\*\*Which Celebrity Death Will Impact You Most? \*\* The ones I have in the Celebrity Deathpool. I need the points ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/13 "2006-08-26T14:00:20Z")
**Can tigers and lions dive for food.** Why don’t you get into their pool and we’l see ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/14 "2006-08-26T14:03:39Z")
[QUOTE=CandidGamera] I was just about to start one of these yesterday. Innnteresting. [/QUOTE] Yes. Interesting. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/15 "2006-08-26T15:05:23Z")
**What’s the scoop on Edgar Cayce?** Hang on…I’m sensing something…aha. I predict some responders to this thread will claim he was a fraud. **Do Crest Whitestrips Actually Work?** Nope. I hired a couple for a day job, and they just sat around doing nothing. **Want a real MIG Fighter helmet?** It depends. Is the pilot’s head still in it? **What is this alien fungus stuff in my flower bed?** Nothing. Pay it no mind. Pretend you never saw it. There is no fungus. It’s all in your head. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/16 "2006-08-26T15:56:40Z")
**What non-physical traits do you find attractive?** Yeah, right. Like I go around thinking, “Whoaaa, check out the traits on _that_ one.” **What is the correct abbreviation for–** How about- **I Think I Finally Understand Iraq** Good. Kindly clue in the military and political establishment, won’t you? **Was Mozart A Hack?** No. he was a real person who lived centuries before computers. **Anyone bicycled across their country ?** No, but my dad once drove the car over my heavy metal Lps. **I think my scale is broken** Maybe you’re just singing it wrong. **OK, what would you name 2003 UB313 (Xena)?** How about “Hey, Numbers-Butt.” **Old guy stuff. (Old girls welcome.)** Not safe for those under 18. Not palatable for those under 65. **So, why _did_ the music die with Buddy Holly?** Easy. His manager owned all the rights. **For legal/constitutional purposes, is the United States “at war” or not?** Thanks to a loophole in a proviso in the War of 1812 Act of 1941, the United States is now legally “at lunch.” It is not expected back soon. **Alex\_Dubinsky And The Fatal Foreskin** When the Germans found out he wasn’t a real Jew, they hung him for impersonating one. It cut down on paperwork. **Term for holders of bachelor’s degrees** I like “the semi-educated.” **Circumcision Can Cut HIV/AIDS Transmission** Damn kids are doing it younger and younger these days. **Sharing an apartment with a cat** **Culture shock and reunion adventures: it’s the MMP!** …she said as she fell facedown into the throw pillows. **Help identify this tree.** Oh, it’s Stephanie! She lives down the block. She’s 37 feet tall and kinda gnarly around the crotch. **In Britain, every home with a TV set must pay $US248.63 per year.** In US dollars. To a US consortium that had quietly purchased every TV set in Britain. In return, the Brits get to watch commercials and all the _Cagney & Lacey_ they can stand (rather a lot really). **Issues in time-travel gasoline sales** If you’re looking for a price war, remember to land in summertime and before 1973. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/17 "2006-08-26T15:59:04Z")
Money-saving tip: Put all phone and utility bills in the cat’s name. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/18 "2006-08-26T17:03:21Z")
**Why can’t I buy wiper blades?** Wiper blades belong to no one. They are free spirits allowed to roam the car park as they please. **Austran Slave Girl** I’ve never been to Austra. How much are they going for there? **Rhododendrum tree in southwest France?** Shocking, isn’t it? Damn Frenchman appropriating our rhododendrums. **Best fix for shaving cuts** Grow a beard. **Democrats moving from republican states?** Democrats never make it into Republican states in the first place. The Democratic Border Patrol beats the hell out of any incoming Pubbies. **Liver/Gall Bladder cleansing?** What you need: Scalpel, forceps, moist towelette… **Question about “God” in Homer** J-E-B-U-S. **What should my daughter call my cousin?]** I understand “biotch” is still popular. **What’s the best way to change cassettes to digital format?** Ever seen the movie “Tron?” Like that. **Why do they leave palm tree leaves tied up after planting?** To make sure they’re properly subserviant when they grow up. **Donating blood – can caffeine and OTC medications linger in bagged pints?** Yes. It leaves a bitter aftertaste. **So what about Charon?** Did her, too. Next? **What forced move the glaciers?** _Braveheart_. They cried _so_ hard when Mel Gibson was being tortured. **What went wrong with Katherine Harris?** Her designers forgot a few key pieces of anatomy and didn’t catch them in the beta test phase. Shame, really. **Can the swastika be redeemed?** Absolutely. They’re worth 20% off your next Denny’s Grand Slam. **Who’s in Charge?** Charles. Don’t you pay _any_ attention? **Does the Bible maintain order among masses?** Where the hell did you get your chemistry degree? **Could I have any success claiming to be African-American?** It didn’t go over well when Ted Danson tried it. **Brain transplant: legal and medical ramifications?** Who cares? You’d have absolutely no recollection of requesting one afterwards. **What is the end game of Islam?** Pawn to King 4. **How do you make Long Island Ice Tea?** You will need: 4 tea bags 1c sugar 1 lemon 1c light rum Long Island A really, really big blender **Screw the hover car!! How long before I get my talking computer?** No, really, how new are you to this whole “teck-no-ledgy” thing? **I’m going to Disney!** Bring a sturdy shovel. I understand he’s buried quite deep. **How do you let a child know that they were adopted?** Begin the sentence with, “When we found you in the forest all those years ago…” **US Dopers: “A for Apple”? “B for Ball”?** Good! 24 more to go and we’ll move on to Dick & Jane. **How Long Since You…** It’s been… ---
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/19 "2006-08-26T17:50:27Z")
**List redundant jobs on resume?** Absolutely. The fact that you crewed at Burger King, McDonald’s, and Wendy’s is much more impressive than if you had only crewed at one. **What should my daughter call my cousin?** In certain parts of the United States, “Mom”. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163/20 "2006-08-26T17:56:49Z")
Term for holders of bachelor’s degrees - Frame [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-iii-not-just-for-gq-anymore/370163.md?page=2)