# Sarcastic Answers to Perfectly Civil Questions **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 7, 2015, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230 "2015-01-07T15:50:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/1 "2015-01-07T15:50:30Z")
(Hope this is allowed here) \*\*If Hitler’s Speeches Were in British English, What Would They Sound Like? \*\* They’d be hard to hear because of most of the crowd going “_Wass sagt er?_” \*\* I was in a car accident. Is this normal?\*\* It’s hardly rare, although plenty of people manage to drive safely. **Use for “suicide cables”?** “Killing yourself” **Pilots, why didn’t Air Asia QZ8501 just change altitude?** I believe you’ll find it did, unfortunately. **Are people less likely to get into fisticuffs today?** You wanna come outside and ask that again, bub? **Why don’t we power our mobile devices with petrol engines?** We do. They’re called “cars” and “motorcycles”. **Is Windows 8.1 as awful as everyone says?** “Everyone”? I’ve hardly heard anyone mention it. **Moving into a snowing area. Advice?** Look out for snow. Duh. **Can we talk about Bill Cosby?** Nearly seven hundred posts and counting in just the one thread. Yup, looks like we can all right. **Any experience with knock-off laptop batteries?** Yes. It’s a huge PITA having to clip them back on all the time. **People who open carry, how much police harassment do you put up with?** Damn little, you betcha. **Is anyone looking out for Comet Lovejoy?** Nope, the poor little thing has to take care of itself - all alone and millions of miles from anywhere. ☹ **What’s the deal with people whose voice mail box is always full?** I rang one of them up to ask him, but… :smack: **why are men such big whiny babies when they are sick?** Because they know it looks silly being a big whiny baby when they aren’t. ---
**Author:** ![JohnGalt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johngalt/32/184_2.png) [@JohnGalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnGalt)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/2 "2015-01-07T16:00:51Z")
Are we limited to questions already asked here? How about: At the grocery store: Do you want your milk in a bag? Answer: Nope, leave it in the jug. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/3 "2015-01-07T17:38:29Z")
**How is Doc Martin paid?** Monthly, in pounds sterling. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/4 "2015-01-07T18:49:04Z")
For you men out there, is sex with a condom still pleasurable? I’d prefer a woman. ---
**Author:** ![Toastmaker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Toastmaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toastmaker)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/5 "2015-01-07T19:29:48Z")
**"Do these jeans make my ass look fat ?"** DON’T EVER EVEN ATTEMPT TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION. . . EVER. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/6 "2015-01-07T19:31:26Z")
**Who really killed Nancy?** Sluggo? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/7 "2015-01-07T19:37:01Z")
> [@Toastmaker](#): > > **“Do these jeans make my ass look fat ?”** No, but what you put in them sure does. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/8 "2015-01-07T19:44:12Z")
What time is it? Same time it was 24 hours ago. ---
**Author:** ![jimbuff314](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c57346/32.png) [@jimbuff314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jimbuff314)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/9 "2015-01-07T21:43:47Z")
**Decrepit, abandoned houses, how did they end up this way?** Booze and heroin. Cool thread, **Your Great Darsh Face**! ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2015, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/10 "2015-01-07T23:19:33Z")
**After how many dates do you kiss/have-sex?** After two medjools and a noor. Maybe a little hummus. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/11 "2015-01-08T00:18:31Z")
Well played, **Your Great Darsh Face**. Not related to any threads here, but IRL I am a female painting contractor. Sometimes I stop at the grocery store or wherever on my way home from work, and I look like…a painter. I am often asked “are you a painter?” :smack: When I am feeling snarky, I say “No, a dental hygienist.” Stops people in their tracks, but I usually end up making a joke of it so the person doesn’t feel too silly. (Male painters do not get this question, I am told.) ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/12 "2015-01-08T01:35:42Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > **Who really killed Nancy?** > > Sluggo? Nice! ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/13 "2015-01-08T01:46:57Z")
We’re doing Bill Ingval’s “Here’s your sign” routine here? ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/14 "2015-01-08T02:18:57Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > We’re doing Bill Ingval’s “Here’s your sign” routine here? Or as I was about to say “The Straight Dope Meets the Redneck Comedy Tour”. ---
**Author:** ![jimbuff314](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c57346/32.png) [@jimbuff314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jimbuff314)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/15 "2015-01-08T03:32:17Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > We’re doing Bill Ingval’s “Here’s your sign” routine here? Well, as soon as you throw one out, “we” will be. 👍 ---
**Author:** ![Flywheel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Flywheel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flywheel)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/16 "2015-01-08T04:19:43Z")
> [@KRC](#): > > What time is it? You mean right now? ---
**Author:** ![PurpleClogs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@PurpleClogs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PurpleClogs)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/17 "2015-01-09T01:21:35Z")
Did you get your hair cut? No, mine grows backwards. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/18 "2015-01-09T01:45:50Z")
Did you get a hair cut? Nope. Got 'em all cut. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/19 "2015-01-09T02:44:56Z")
> [@Toastmaker](#): > > **“Do these jeans make my ass look fat ?”** > DON’T EVER EVEN ATTEMPT TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION. . . EVER. [Meredith Vieira did](https://www.google.com/search?q=mom+jeans+meredith+vieira&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=T0CvVLzYM4W4oQTY0oKIDQ&ved=0CDgQsAQ&biw=1298&bih=774). ---
**Author:** ![Flywheel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Flywheel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flywheel)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/20 "2015-01-09T05:23:03Z")
> [@PurpleClogs](#): > > Did you get your hair cut? No, it must have shrunk when I washed it. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230.md?page=2)