# Sarcastic Answers to Perfectly Civil Questions **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 7, 2015, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230 "2015-01-07T15:50:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/41 "2015-01-12T14:05:28Z")
\*\* Would you get into an indoor pool at the gym?\*\* Well, it’s not like I’d get into an _outdoor_ pool at the gym. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Apocalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Apocalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apocalypso)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/42 "2015-01-12T18:39:40Z")
> [@Toastmaker](#): > > **“Do these jeans make my ass look fat ?”** > DON’T EVER EVEN ATTEMPT TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION. . . EVER. [Al Bundy] No, it’s the **fat** that makes your ass look fat[/Al Bundy] ---
**Author:** ![TBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/43 "2015-01-14T00:46:12Z")
**5 years since my last post. What’s changed?** The calendar, about 5 times. **I told you, didn’t I?** No, you didn’t. **Anyone Else Starting to Get Cabin Fever?** Nah, I saw that years ago. PANCAKES! **Supermarket price wars in the UK, what’s happening?** Stores are trying to beat each other on price, but that’s not important now, Shirley **Hey! Wanna meet?** Depends, how ugly are you? **Want to help decipher John Muir’s journals?** Not really, since I’m not really sure who that is without resorting to googling him. **How many resolutions have you broken already?** None. Not making any tends to help in that regard. **Anybody else doing a dry January?** Depends on whether the snow starts melting, I suppose. **College courses without final exams?** College courses without final exams! **You mean, you don’t throw those out?** No, it’s opposite day and I mean I do throw those out. **Three earthquakes in one day? Seriously?!** You were expecting three earthquakes in one day humorously? **Who has a secret savings account?** I could tell you, but then it wouldn’t be a secret. \*\*Anyone else use baby/talcum powder on themselves after a shower? \*\* Would you rather I use it on someone else after a shower? **Thermodynamics favors life, can someone explain this to me?** Depends, how dumb are you? **Where is the wierdest place you ever pee’d??** Canada. \*\*Am I racist for teaching William Faulkner? \*\* I don’t know, what did you teach him? **Is anyone expecting a white Christmas?** Considering it’s more than 11 months away, that would be presumptuous. **Did XXXX ever make you realize YYYY?** ZZZZ **Is there something in my nose?** I don’t know, take your fingers out and I’ll check. **The temperature’s going to be WHAT?** The degree or intensity of heat present in a substance or object, especially as expressed according to a comparative scale and shown by a thermometer or perceived by touch. Same as always. **Why is the UK still using stones?** Because there are so many just lying around. **Have you ever been given a break by the cops?** No, they know how to be careful enough. Barely even get bruises. **Is there any stranger in your past who said something that you’d truly like to thank them for now?** No, but there’s a stranger in my future I’d like to have a few words with. **Moving to Orlando - what should I know?** How to get there. **Any idea of how to do sit ups without someone holding your feet?** Get in shape first. **Why would a German business blur their sign in Google street view?** Hitler. ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/44 "2015-01-14T08:33:05Z")
Well played, sir! And all I had was this: **Could We Build Massive Pyramids Today?** No. Despite our amazing modern civil engineering, the magic feat of piling up big stones in a heap has been lost along with countless other Secrets of the Ancients. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/45 "2015-01-14T16:50:13Z")
**If you say Dung Beetle three times does she appear before you?** Everyone would stay away from you, especially her. **Want to help decipher John Muir’s journals?** What do you expect to find, beaver porn? **"For the rest of your natural life" Is this a real thing?** Yes, because if it was an imaginary thing, it’d be “for the rest of your artificial life”. **Did any other human species, have such gender strength disparities** Hard to say, they hadn’t developed speech yet **Any inhabited islands in Colorado?** Did you really need to include the second word? **Legality of holding money for someone else?** As long as you have fingers, you’re fine. **Can anyone help identify a picture of a Mounted Cavalryman? I’m lost …** You could always ask somebody else for directions. **What can I expect to see/enjoy with my telescope** The cops when they nab you for voyeurism. **What should I do now?** Breathe out. **Why did they move the location of the headlight dimmer switch** Because typical drivers use their left toe to scratch their ears. **Is shaving unhealthy?** When it gets to the point where you strip skin off your face, yes. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/46 "2015-01-14T17:16:53Z")
**Can Sloths Move Fast? (if they wanted to)** No, of course n ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/47 "2015-01-14T18:17:08Z")
**(Sister Dating) What Should I Do??** Not date your sister, you sicko. Ew. ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/48 "2015-01-14T18:30:22Z")
**How to explain your boss sucks?** There’s a support group for that. It’s called “everybody” and it meets at the bar. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/49 "2015-01-14T20:28:38Z")
**Is this safe to eat?** I see you are a fellow American thus: \*toss it out you cheap wanker, your problem is too damn much food. \* ---
**Author:** ![JohnGalt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johngalt/32/184_2.png) [@JohnGalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnGalt)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2015, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/50 "2015-01-15T01:53:07Z")
**Do you wanna see my vacation photos?** No. (but I don’t have the guts to say that in that forum) ---
**Author:** ![Lukeinva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lukeinva/32/17872_2.png) [@Lukeinva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lukeinva)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2015, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/51 "2015-01-19T17:31:40Z")
> [@JohnGalt](#): > > Are we limited to questions already asked here? How about: > > At the grocery store: Do you want your milk in a bag? > Answer: Nope, leave it in the jug. **Paper or plastic?** Yes please. ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2015, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/52 "2015-01-19T19:01:08Z")
How does one get moisture out of the car? First tow it out of the river. You sure are tall. Actually you’re shrinking. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2015, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/53 "2015-01-21T01:26:17Z")
> [@Lukeinva](#): > > **Paper or plastic?** > > Yes please. Up here in Canada, it’s [_plastic_](https://shiftryerson.wordpress.com/blog-posts/polymer-banknotes/) or [plastic](http://www.interac.ca). ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2015, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/54 "2015-01-21T14:59:30Z")
**Why is the night sky dark?** Because if it wasn’t we’d call it day. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2015, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/55 "2015-01-21T17:25:29Z")
> [@Lumpy](#): > > **Why is the night sky dark?** > > Because if it wasn’t we’d call it day. **\** Remember, a day without sunshine is like…night. **\** ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2015, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/56 "2015-01-22T13:47:35Z")
\*\*Does Papa John’s pizza make anyone else ill? \*\* Probably people with coeliac disease, lactose intolerance, and one or two other food issues, for a start. You want maybe a list of names? ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2015, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/57 "2015-01-22T16:39:29Z")
No matter what the purchase, my co-workers’ first question is always: “what’d that cost?” I usually answer “two”. When they ask for clarification I say: “too much”. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2015, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/58 "2015-01-22T16:57:36Z")
\*\* So… Adult incest is legal in NJ?\*\* Yes, but not on the N.J. Turnpike in rush hour (unless you’re in the right-hand lane). ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2015, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/59 "2015-01-22T17:35:04Z")
\*\*Best Buy Fascists? \*\* Best not, I’d say. They’re likely to cost you in the long run. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2015, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230/60 "2015-01-22T19:06:09Z")
I’m so glad I’m not at work, the way this thread has had me laughing. \*\* Which way was that?\*\* Out of my ass, and my co-workers complain _so_ much when I do that at work. But some more contributions: **Anyone Else Starting to Get Cabin Fever?** No, that’s just the normal temperature of your cabin burning down. **Three earthquakes in one day? Seriously?!** No, repeatedly opening up like that is the Earth’s way of laughing at you. **Moving to Orlando - what should I know?** Don’t. **Elementary: Whither Kitty?** Advanced: Whither pussy? \*\* Taco Bell vs authentic Mexican food - What are the real differences? \*\* I hope you aren’t in a hurry. \*\*Explain NE’s Trick TD? \*\* No. **Puzzle: Cross off words as the clues eliminate them. What’s left?** A lot of crossed-off words, duh! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-perfectly-civil-questions/709230.md?page=4)