# Sarcastic Answers to Thread Titles (Neither new nor improved!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 21, 2007, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150 "2007-02-21T22:24:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2007, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/1 "2007-02-21T22:24:04Z")
Sometimes I think I’m the only one who likes these, but I’m giving it one more go, since I think these are more fun than sequential thread titles. **What do you call your boss?** That bastard slavedriver. Or did you mean to his face? **What would make you become an expatriate?** Moving out of my home country. **What would the world be like if fossil fuels didn’t burn?** Colder. Darker. **Why does everyone hate Bush?** You… must be new here. **Who’s more responsible for learning - teachers or kids?** Definitely kids. Teachers are more responsible for teaching, though. **Digital download Rights Question** Sorry, because of the DMCA, whatever you’re trying to do is illegal. **Tell me about your experiences defying authority** No. **My Yahoo Mail inbox has 4,872 unread messages** That’s why your Viagra shipments stopped coming. **Just let me close my account, dammit!** Sir, I’d be happy to help you close your account today. May I ask you, though, if you’ve considered the many benefits of _not_ closing your account? ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2007, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/2 "2007-02-21T22:26:20Z")
On second thought, I’d better not. lalalalala ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2007, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/3 "2007-02-21T23:59:08Z")
No, I like these too. 😃 **Who weeds the border?** The gardener. Duh. **So how much weight CAN a twinkie make me gain?** One Twinkie? A negligible amount. You show me this mythological person who only ever ate one Twinkie, and we’ll go admire him. **Where does the fat go?** To your head, evidently. **Baking and Roasting: what’s the diff?** Ever try to roast a loaf of bread? **Any useful resources to find good restaurants?** Many people would consider using the Yellow Pages. Or ask a friend, if you have one. **What was Hitler’s biggest blunder?** Losing the war. No, maybe eating a bullet was dumber. **Is there any good way to shift people from incandescent bulbs to fluorescents?** They’ll probably shift of their own accord. Those incandescents get pretty hot, you know. **Did anyone see Wife Swap last night?** Probably. Shows with zero viewers generally get pulled p.d.q. **Help me find a book!** Try a library! Or a bookshop! :rolleyes: **How much $$ would you take to stay away from the board?** Trust me, every dumb question I see is bringing the amount lower. ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/4 "2007-02-22T00:02:53Z")
**What was Hitler’s biggest blunder?** The Waring Super Spin, with half gallon ves . . . oh, _blunder_! never mind. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/5 "2007-02-22T00:26:37Z")
Oooh, I love these! **What is going on in this picture?** Probably some sort of unusual event. **Clowns. Come on, who hasn’t secretly wanted to do this?** Everyone who isn’t mentally ill? **Rush Limbaugh’s Callers: are there more than five of them?** Yes, but they only have five teeth between them. **Does Shaquille O’Neal owe money to Jesse James for a bike?** If Jesse James sold him a bike, then yes. **First Britney, next Donald, then who?** Anna Nicole Smith. ---
**Author:** ![Faruiza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecd19e/32.png) [@Faruiza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Faruiza)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/6 "2007-02-22T00:30:36Z")
[QUOTE=anyrose] **What was Hitler’s biggest blunder?** The Waring Super Spin, with half gallon ves . . . oh, _blunder_! never mind. [/QUOTE] Perrier. Out. The. Nose. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/7 "2007-02-22T00:43:59Z")
**Can someone identify this symbol?** Probably. Not me, but I’m sure someone can. **Which religions name their daughters’ 'Maryam’** All of their daughters? None that I know of. **Dogs are not accessories** Not even the tiny ones that travel in handbags? ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/8 "2007-02-22T00:54:27Z")
GQ: **Cartoon bombs, alcohol and flour** …but what’s for desert? **Tell me about honorary degrees** As an honorary MENSA member, I would like to tell you that they obviously have absolutely no value whatsoever. **Who weeds the border?** Isn’t it obvious? Cheap Mexican labourers. **Belly Buttons - Weird Sensation** Stop doing that. Duh! **Dissolving a Corporation** I’m partial to H[sub]2[/sub]SO[sub]4[/sub] myself. **Where does the fat go?** Back to McDonald’s where it belongs. **How can I find out where Someone is Burried?** Grab a shovel and start digging. It may take a while so plan a vacation around it. **plastics harmful to children?** Not if cooked at 400° for at least 30 minutes. **So how much weight CAN a twinkie make me gain?** Somewhere in the neighbourhood of 21g per Twinkie. They don’t have to be consumed, just carrying them around will do the trick. IMHO: **Circumcised after infancy? Your thoughts please.** It’s better than circumcision _before_. **Tell me about your experiences defying authority** No. Fuck you. **So I’m biting the bullet and applying for retail jobs…advice please!** Retain the services of a psychiatrist. And buy a Glock. **Opinions on Milledgeville** It needs a name change. **Q - Do You Want to Cut the Umbilical Cord? A - Do I Want to Do What?** That’s not an answer, that’s another question. **Dopers without tattoos: what would you get?** A full-body tattoo of myself, only taller. \ MPSIMS: **Streets named after MLK across the country** Well … there’s Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. And … um … well, I can’t rightly think of any others. **Okay. I give up. I love Windows.** Me, too. I couldn’t see the hot chick in the building across from me through a solid wall. **A Chain of Links** As opposed to…? **Screwed at work** Just don’t let the boss catch you. Although, if it’s the boss you’re screwing, by all means, carry on. ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/9 "2007-02-22T00:58:29Z")
[QUOTE=Faruiza] Perrier. Out. The. Nose. [/QUOTE] possibly the nicest compliment I’ve received in a while 😃 ---
**Author:** ![fishbicycle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aeb1de/32.png) [@fishbicycle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fishbicycle)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/10 "2007-02-22T01:31:11Z")
**Talk me out of a tattoo, please.** I need to practice first. Can I talk you out of your underwear? **Pretzels–Can’t for the LIFE of me discern the APPEAL** No, silly, bananas have appeal. **Do you benefit from a funeral?** No, you benefit from winning the lottery. To benefit from a funeral, ya gotta be dead, and what kind of benefit is that? \*\* Dopers without tattoos: what would you get?\*\* I’d settle for a pony. **Tell Me About Pressure Cookers** Well, once upon a time, deep in the forest, there lived a family of pressure cookers. Then one day, they died. _Now go to sleep!_ ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/11 "2007-02-22T02:34:27Z")
[Mine.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=8061972&postcount=36) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![LifeOnWry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@LifeOnWry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LifeOnWry)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/12 "2007-02-22T03:58:19Z")
There was one that disappeared recently from GQ, and I’m not sure I can remember the exact thread title, but EVERY time I saw it I answered it, out loud. **Can I make thermite?** Sure. Go ahead. (I can’t remember what the OP wanted to make. I am not even sure thermite is a word.) ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slip\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f475e1/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slip\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slip_1)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/13 "2007-02-22T03:58:55Z")
\*\*My Daughter Is Finally Talking. Opinionated Little Brat… \*\* She takes after her father? (sorry Hal) ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/14 "2007-02-22T04:15:16Z")
**What’s wrong with psychiatry?** Why do you feel there’s something wrong with psychiatry? ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/15 "2007-02-22T04:22:36Z")
**what is cheating on a spouse and when does it start ?** Fucking someone else, and Tuesday. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2007, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/16 "2007-02-22T14:42:13Z")
I like them. I invented them! 😃 I’ve just been busy lately… ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2007, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/17 "2007-02-26T22:31:56Z")
**Do Tasmanian Devils really whirl around like they do in Bugs Bunny cartoons?** Yep. Just like that. **What is the alleged benefit of a ‘colonic’? ‘Detoxification’?** Ass deshitification. **What’s your eye color?** White around the edges. Black in the middle. **Term for la la la’s in song** Unoriginality. **Why is mead so much less popular than beer and wine nowadays?** Fewer Vikings than in the past, combined with a surge in German and French populations. ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2007, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/18 "2007-02-26T22:50:17Z")
**Am I crazy? (Job Advice required)** Yes, First clue? You post here. (Not sure what that has to do with a job, though.) **Help Nickname my Dingdong** Why? It’s just going to be eaten, isn’t it? **Cute chicks don’t use good grammar** You mean my typing skills reveal me to be ugly? No wonder I can’t get a date. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2007, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/19 "2007-02-26T22:52:51Z")
[QUOTE=Malacandra] **So how much weight CAN a twinkie make me gain?** One Twinkie? A negligible amount. You show me this mythological person who only ever ate one Twinkie, and we’ll go admire him. [/QUOTE] Say hello to [Wiley Brooks.](http://www.breatharian.com/) ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2007, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/20 "2007-02-26T23:20:50Z")
**Kitten X Needs a Name!** So what are you waiting for? Give her one! Robin [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150.md?page=2)