# Sarcastic Answers to Thread Titles (Neither new nor improved!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 21, 2007, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150 "2007-02-21T22:24:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/21 "2007-02-27T01:43:15Z")
From **GQ** \*\*Why is mead so much less popular than beer and wine nowadays? \*\* There are fewer Vikings around. \*\*Silicon Based Fuels? \*\* Boob-oline? \*\*Quick Easy Way to Divide Files into Parts? \*\* That would be scissors. \*\*Best way to find out who’s living in the attic? \*\* Have you tried the stairs? \*\*What’s the easiest way to erase my computer? \*\* A sledgehammer. ---
**Author:** ![5\_time\_champ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/278dde/32.png) [@5\_time\_champ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5_time_champ)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/22 "2007-02-27T02:19:14Z")
**I want to get dental insurance… I have no job… please advise** Get a job. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/23 "2007-02-27T03:16:05Z")
\*\*Clinton camp wants Obama to do what? \*\* I don’t know, but I think it involves a cigar. \*\*How much weight could you gain in a week? \*\* How many Twinkies can you bring me? ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/24 "2007-02-27T14:54:59Z")
**Reggae or ska I can dance to?** You? No. **Question on Timing of Jeopardy "Buzzers"** That’s right, you lost because of the buzzer. Just keep telling yourself that. **How true-to-life is Baldwin’s scene in “Glengarry Glen Ross”?** Fuck you. That’s how true it is. **What animals could I kill with my bare hands?** Sir, You’re going to have to leave the petting zoo. **Geraldo Rivera Political Affiliation** Assholarian? **The Henry Repeating rifle** Named after its inventor, Henry Repeating. ---
**Author:** ![Abby\_Emma\_Sasha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@Abby\_Emma\_Sasha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abby_Emma_Sasha)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/25 "2007-02-27T16:09:25Z")
**Ever been caught by your SO doing something you shouldn’t have?** Yes, but then I put down the knife and pretended I had finished scaling the fish. I’ll get him next time for sure. ---
**Author:** ![Abby\_Emma\_Sasha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@Abby\_Emma\_Sasha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abby_Emma_Sasha)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/26 "2007-02-27T16:11:13Z")
> [@](#): > > How true-to-life is Baldwin’s scene in “Glengarry Glen Ross”? Answers are for closers, you fuckin’ asshole (I hope I can get away with that here). ---
**Author:** ![Abby\_Emma\_Sasha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@Abby\_Emma\_Sasha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abby_Emma_Sasha)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/27 "2007-02-27T16:16:11Z")
**Ask the former Cuban communist** Look, if you can’t deliver Andy Garcia unto my bed, then just shut it. I promise I won’t post anymore for another 8 hours. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/28 "2007-02-27T16:28:09Z")
I used to have a boss who, when asked about how to deal with someone, would say: Beat him. Beat him until he bleeds then beat him because he is bleeding. Beat him, beat him, beat him. (My boss was a very gentle man and no one would ever give credance to him beating any one or any thing.) Now, whenever I see a thread that starts with: _How do I deal with…_ my old boss’ voice always echos in my mind. I have even been tempted to respond with _Beat him_, but if you didn’t know the background you wouldn’t know why I’m amused. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/29 "2007-02-27T21:05:54Z")
[QUOTE=Sublight] **What animals could I kill with my bare hands?** Sir, You’re going to have to leave the petting zoo. [/QUOTE] _snerk!_ This one’s perfect. ---
**Author:** ![Burrido](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Burrido](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Burrido)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2007, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/30 "2007-02-27T22:33:34Z")
[QUOTE=5 time champ] **I want to get dental insurance… I have no job… please advise** Get a job. [/QUOTE] /thread. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/31 "2007-03-01T16:31:11Z")
Some new ones in GQ: \*\*Can people live with half a brain? \*\* Clearly you haven’t met some of my students. \*\*Re-breaking a bone. Procedure? \*\* Just jump off the roof again. ---
**Author:** ![Smitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Smitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smitty)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/32 "2007-03-01T16:38:06Z")
**My broccoli tastes like fish** So did Clinton’s cigars ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/33 "2007-03-01T16:44:34Z")
\*\*My mom took too much aspirin and got a nosebleed… How can she stop it? \*\* Stop taking aspirin? \*\*Why do so many people spell alcohol as “Alchohol”? \*\* To omucch allcohool! \*\*Was the “day” the first unit of time measurement? \*\* According to Genesis 1, yes. \*\*How much are new windows marked up? \*\* If they’re marked up, you should complain. New ones should be clean! **Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?** Me? Yes. You? I’ve got my doubts. \*\*Home made corn tortillas - worth the effort? \*\* _burp_ No, no they weren’t. I’ve, um, thrown them away. In the bin. \*\*Write this story, one word at a time \*\* No. \*\*Ladies: opinions on spooning? \*\* It’s less messy than using your fingers. \*\*What do you think of the kayaker who died? \*\* I think he’s dead. \*\*How would you sum up your life philosophy on a t-shirt? \*\* F\*ck You. \*\*Might I suggest a UK DopeFest? \*\* I rather think you just did, old chap. \*\*How does this card trick work? \*\* Magic, of course. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2007, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/34 "2007-03-07T16:42:17Z")
**And what about extremist libertarians?** When they shush you, you stay shushed! Oh – **libertarians**. Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2007, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/35 "2007-03-07T18:01:28Z")
**Anyone want to play Family Feud/Family Fortune?** Why? Do you want to come to Easter dinner? Robin ---
**Author:** ![JustAnotherGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/58f4c7/32.png) [@JustAnotherGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JustAnotherGeek)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2007, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/36 "2007-03-07T18:22:25Z")
…aaaannnd this is different from the normal responses around here how? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2007, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/37 "2007-03-07T21:16:55Z")
**Why would a bear bite an electrical wire?** Cause it tastes almost as good as a Catholic Pope? \*\*Dishwasher: “no tobacco ash”. Why? \*\* Because dishwashers are made of plastic. **Any stupid viruses?** No, just stupid OPs 🙂 \*\*What’s the best/simplest way to speed this pig up? (Computer) \*\* Poke it in the butt with a stick \*\*Do Diamonds melt or vanish? \*\* You were never around my ex-GF, right? \*\*Troubleshooting electric clothes dryer \*\* Step closer or use a rifle. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2007, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/38 "2007-03-12T23:52:28Z")
**Count the F’s** One. **Advice on how to ask a girl to prom** “So, you wanna go to prom, or what?” **How should I prepare for being walked off site?** Fake gun and carefully selected coworkers wearing squibs. ---
**Author:** ![postcards](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8e8cbc/32.png) [@postcards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/postcards)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2007, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150/39 "2007-03-13T00:30:48Z")
**what back-up options do I have?** Reverse? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sarcastic-answers-to-thread-titles-neither-new-nor-improved/393150.md?page=1)