# "Save the date"? Are you really expecting me to come? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 12, 2015, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614 "2015-08-12T02:27:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![kdeus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b487fb/32.png) [@kdeus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kdeus)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/1 "2015-08-12T02:27:12Z")
I just received a “Save the Date” card (actually, a fridge magnet) for a former coworker’s wedding. We were friends, back in the day, but not that close. For my (20th century) wedding, the folks I told to save the date were folks I would reschedule the wedding around: my parents and the people I grew up calling “aunt” who are not actually relatives. What does “save the date” mean, these days? Does everyone get one and its just a pre-invitation? Is my old colleague so devoid of friends that I need to be there to show support? Might I wind up giving the bride away? ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/2 "2015-08-12T02:45:05Z")
> [@kdeus](#): > > …the folks I told to save the date were folks I would reschedule the wedding around… That’s not telling them to save the date, that’s asking them to approve the date. > [@](#): > > What does “save the date” mean, these days? Does everyone get one and its just a pre-invitation? I figure it means what it always meant: they’ve settled on a date and are giving you notice ahead of mailing invitations in hope of minimizing scheduling conflicts, so as to maximize the chance that you’ll be able to make it. It’s pre-invitation of sorts, and may or may not go to everybody on the invitation list. > [@](#): > > Is my old colleague so devoid of friends that I need to be there to show support? Might I wind up giving the bride away? I don’t know where this is coming from. He’s just being nice, he’s not depending on you to make or break the wedding. Lighten up? ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/3 "2015-08-12T03:11:42Z")
I’ve never understood the concept of “Save the date”. Why not just sent the actual invitation? If you receive a “save the date”, you know you will later receive the formal invite…so you are just as obligated (or not), depending on how close you are to the couple. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/4 "2015-08-12T03:29:07Z")
> [@chappachula](#): > > I’ve never understood the concept of “Save the date”. Why not just sent the actual invitation? > > If you receive a “save the date”, you know you will later receive the formal invite…so you are just as obligated (or not), depending on how close you are to the couple. I’ve always felt the same way. I can really only see two reasons for it though. 1)It makes the event that much bigger, it’s one more thing the couple gets to send out and it’s something the invitee can stick to their fridge (and will probably leave there for years). It’s also a lot less formal/more fun than the actual invite. 2)They can send it out after they’ve chosen a date but before they’ve booked the location. That seems risky, but if they’ve really got their minds set on that date, guests can start thinking about it now and the bride and groom can work out the details later. I guess, another thing is that it’s something that can be whipped up in 10 minutes on a website. It’s not that it’s the bride and her mom spending 4 hours picking out invitations and envelopes and fonts and trying to look up examples online to get the exact wording and all that. And you can have them made pretty cheaply. So, while I guess I’ve always thought just sending out invitations makes more sense, I can understand sending out Save The Date things as well. It probably does help people to know about something that important as soon as you can. If your Aunt from out of town knows your getting married next summer, but not the date, it would be helpful if she could know, as soon as possible, so she could schedule things around it. I have doctor’s appoints booked nearly a year out. A vacation planned for the following year is pretty common and some of these things might be difficult to change with only a few months notice. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/5 "2015-08-12T03:44:35Z")
> [@chappachula](#): > > I’ve never understood the concept of “Save the date”. Why not just sent the actual invitation? We settled on a date and venue long before we had all the details nailed down for the invite. The Save the Date went out over 2 months before the invite. ---
**Author:** ![erysichthon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d07c76/32.png) [@erysichthon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erysichthon)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/6 "2015-08-12T04:03:18Z")
Earlier thread on this topic: [What’s the deal with save the date cards?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=659222) ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/7 "2015-08-12T08:04:24Z")
> [@chappachula](#): > > I’ve never understood the concept of “Save the date”. Why not just sent the actual invitation? Because there are two stages to this: one, letting guests know the date, as a courtesy, and to be able to get some idea of numbers coming; and two, telling everybody who is coming all the details of the when, where and what (which appears to be getting more and more complicated and over-formalised these days - that would be another argument, but for this context, it means that you can’t roll everything up into one single communication). I suppose you could say the phrase “save the date” sounds a bit more presumptuous than an invitation card followed up by the details later, but it’s a marginal difference. ---
**Author:** ![Alley\_Dweller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alley_dweller/32/430_2.png) [@Alley\_Dweller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alley_Dweller)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/8 "2015-08-12T10:17:58Z")
> [@PatrickLondon](#): > > Because there are two stages to this: one, letting guests know the date, as a courtesy, and to be able to get some idea of numbers coming; and two, telling everybody who is coming all the details of the when, where and what (which appears to be getting more and more complicated and over-formalised these days - that would be another argument, but for this context, it means that you can’t roll everything up into one single communication). > > I suppose you could say the phrase “save the date” sounds a bit more presumptuous than an invitation card followed up by the details later, but it’s a marginal difference. Wait, are you saying that we should RSVP when we receive the save-the-date and that invitations are then only sent to the people who RSVPed in the positive? ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 10:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/9 "2015-08-12T10:32:52Z")
I think we should take it a step further. I would like notification that a Save the Date notice will be arriving. mmm ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/10 "2015-08-12T11:19:23Z")
It could also be to preclude the numerous and inevitable “When are you getting married?” questions. I knew my niece was getting married this summer, but I didn’t know exactly when. I didn’t have any plans that would conflict, but my daughter lives 800 miles away and the advance warning allowed her to alter her work schedule in plenty of time. I did find it a bit ridiculous when my sister informed everyone that she’d be having a birthday party for herself 4 months hence. Admittedly, it was a milestone year, but seriously, once you pass 21, you might consider toning down the b-day bashes… OK, yeah, I’m an old grouch, but that’s my opinion. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/11 "2015-08-12T11:47:49Z")
A Save the Date happens as soon a date and location are decided. It allows people to plan their schedule, save for airline tickets, start coordinating with others going, etc. Attending a wedding can be an expensive proposition, especially if it’s out of town, and it’s valuable to have as much notice as possible. An invitation contains a lot of details- exact times, menu options, details on getting to the venues, hotel blocks, details on side events, sometimes registry information, dress codes, etc. ---
**Author:** ![dalej42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/67e7ee/32.png) [@dalej42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dalej42)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/12 "2015-08-12T12:19:38Z")
Although I initially didn’t like them, they do serve a nice purpose. I can let the person know that I won’t be able to attend before I receive a formal invitation. This then relieves me of the decision to send a gift or not. I despise getting invitations from people I know very casually. I imagine that some couples send them out either so that someone doesn’t get butt hurt from not getting one or they’re fishing for presents. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/13 "2015-08-12T13:03:15Z")
Hell, we do ‘save the date’ emails for the Firebug’s birthday parties. Why? Because he’s not the only kid he knows with a birthday around that time, so once we know we’ve settled on a date, we send out the email so that we don’t get an invite to one of his friends’ birthday parties for the same day while we’re in the middle of making plans, and have to switch to another date in midstream. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/14 "2015-08-12T13:54:03Z")
Save the Date notices are one of the truly great modern etiquette innovations. In addition to being able to coordinate travel plans and such, it’s great for those of us with schedule complications such as shared custody. The farther in advance that I can request to trade a weekend with the ex, the less of a chance he will have already scheduled something important involving the kidlet that weekend. I’m sure it’s also really helpful for people who normally work on weekends and if the even coincides with a holiday where people might ordinarily have standing plans. > [@Alley\_Dweller](#): > > Wait, are you saying that we should RSVP when we receive the save-the-date and that invitations are then only sent to the people who RSVPed in the positive? Not at all. However, in the past, upon receiving the notice, we’ve emailed with congratulations and that we expect to be able to attend. That wouldn’t be taken as gospel, however. The actual RSVP would be in response to the formal invitation. And even if I had emailed and said that I wouldn’t be able to make it, I’d still get a formal invitation because I’d still be invited, and the bride and groom would hope that I’d be able to come after all. Things might be different in different groups, but the above is based on my experiences. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/15 "2015-08-12T15:54:23Z")
> [@Alley\_Dweller](#): > > Wait, are you saying that we should RSVP when we receive the save-the-date and that invitations are then only sent to the people who RSVPed in the positive? No save-the-dates are only meant to notify people of the date and location so that _if they want to_, they can avoid scheduling conflicts (for example, scheduling a vacation either before or after the event so that they can attend) .But it’s not uncommon for someone who already knows they can’t attend (perhaps they already know their niece is getting married on the same date) to notify the hosts immediately upon receiving the save-the-date. It’s not necessary but it can be helpful in planning. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/16 "2015-08-12T16:17:41Z")
Another purpose for Save the Dates is to minimize schedule conflicts within a peer group. I’m hitting the age where all of my friends are getting married, and there are only so many weekends in a wedding season. Nobody wants to make their friends have to choose between two weddings, so it’s polite to let people know when you have set a date. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/17 "2015-08-12T17:50:07Z")
Save the Date cards are great for out of town weddings. By the time the actual invitation arrives it’s usually way too late to make travel arrangements. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/18 "2015-08-12T18:01:05Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > A Save the Date happens as soon a date and location are decided. It allows people to plan their schedule, save for airline tickets, start coordinating with others going, etc. Attending a wedding can be an expensive proposition, especially if it’s out of town, and it’s valuable to have as much notice as possible. > > An invitation contains a lot of details- exact times, menu options, details on getting to the venues, hotel blocks, details on side events, sometimes registry information, dress codes, etc. Yeah, that was what I thought of- the invitations are usually almost like a guide to the wedding- they often have maps, times, registry info, contact information, etc… in them, not all of which is likely to be completely nailed down at the time that you pick a date and venue. So people send “Save the Date” cards early as a sort of courtesy, so people can make travel and lodging plans, and not plan over that date, and the event planners/organizers don’t have to have all their stuff completely nailed down by that point either. So to the OP’s question, no, they’re not necessarily expecting you to show up and participate, but that if you choose to, they’re giving you plenty of advance notice as to when and where the wedding will be, rather than dropping the full invitation on you with potentially a lot less time to plan and arrange things. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/19 "2015-08-12T18:01:38Z")
> [@chappachula](#): > > I’ve never understood the concept of “Save the date”. Why not just sent the actual invitation? Because it takes at least 2 months to decide what font the invitation will be printed in. And then another month AT LEAST to pick the color of the font and the envelope size. And whether the reception will have rubber chicken or rubber steak or both. ---
**Author:** ![kdeus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b487fb/32.png) [@kdeus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kdeus)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2015, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614/20 "2015-08-12T19:39:12Z")
OK, thanks. Looking back, my point originally was that “Save the date” to me meant “We/ you will be heartbroken if you cannot attend.” But now it means, well, “save the date (if you can).” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/save-the-date-are-you-really-expecting-me-to-come/727614.md?page=2)