# Say you're romantically involved with an alcoholic. Do you refrain from drinking? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 19, 2011, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255 "2011-08-19T00:40:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/1 "2011-08-19T00:40:56Z")
Suggested by [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=620904#post14155645) thread, which is not otherwise relevant. Back in the 90s I had a live-in girlfriend, “Lynn,” who was a recovering alcoholic. I was her first lover after getting sober; in fact she once told me she’d never had sex with a man sober _except_ for me. At the height (depth?) of her addiction she did a lot of things to screw up her life; her addiction very nearly got her killed. I am not an alcoholic. In fact I am about as far from an alcoholic as one can be without being a teetotaler. I was in my mid-twenties when this woman, and I’d never gotten drunk; in fact I doubt I’d ever had more than two shots of scotch in one evening. No special reason; it was just that getting drunk never appealed to me for whatever reason. Nonetheless Lynn would get upset on those rare occasions that I’d have a drink: say if I was out for the evening with colleagues or vendors at a nice restaurant where some moderate drinking was customary. I didn’t much care one way or the other, and was perfectly capable of acting contrary to my coworkers in other ways; I was the only non-Christian, for instance, and did not pretend otherwise. But still I drank. Those occasions – maybe once a month or so – were about the only times I drank. Each time upset her; alcohol had so ruined her life that she had a difficult time imagining _anyone_ being able to partake safely, and because she loved me, she did not once If you had been in my situation, would you have drunk at all? Why or why not? ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/2 "2011-08-19T00:49:30Z")
If it really didn’t matter to me that much, and really flipped my SO out, I would strongly consider just not drinking. That said, if having me drink socially once a month flipped them out so badly that they weren’t able to be somewhat rational about the subject, I would also strongly encourage some therapy. There’s also the difference between a ‘just a fling’ SO and someone I expect to be a life-partner for a considerable period of time. If I’m just dating someone, I’ll let a lot of weird stuff go unchallenged because I don’t like conflict. In a longer-term relationship, I’m more likely to stand up for myself and express a preference or an opinion on a controversial topic. Think of another situation: SO is in a really horrific car accident, and wants you to refrain from ever driving a vehicle again. Realistic of them to expect? I doubt many people would go so far as to support that particular preference. ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/3 "2011-08-19T01:56:54Z")
My gf has had some issues. I took the opportunity of a new job (not working in a bar) coupled with being with her to cut back. I started out not drinking around her but found it was easier to just cut it out altogether. I haven’t completely stopped however. This year I’ve had…6 beers. I am really surprised at how little I miss it. I really LOVE the lack of hangovers:) ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8dc957/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/4 "2011-08-19T02:05:49Z")
I’d say if they want to be a recovering alcoholic, hell yeah you should refrain from drinking. If not, I don’t think it matters whether you drink or not. Unless you’re the designated driver of course. I’m not sure getting involved romantically with someone you know is an alcoholic is such a great idea, if you don’t drink. The sober one usually winds up being a nursemaid of sorts. It’s too much heartbreak in the end. Plus an alcoholic’s life revolves around booze. A non-drinker’s doesn’t. There’s a lack of common interests in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/5 "2011-08-19T02:17:49Z")
I would respect the wishes of what they felt they needed to be healthy. If I had an SO who trying to lose weight or was a diabetic, I would refrain from bringing things into our home that would undermine their health. If the SO was fine with the stuff coming in, I would err on the side of caution, but probably occasionally enjoy whatever it was. ---
**Author:** ![Vita\_Beata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@Vita\_Beata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vita_Beata)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/6 "2011-08-19T02:20:11Z")
Yes, I would refrain. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/7 "2011-08-19T06:11:15Z")
Fuck no! I like drinking, and I like beer. If she’s going to flip out on me every time I’m imbibing I don’t see it lasting long at all. I don’t mean that I’d rub in her face as to HOW MUCH I _love_ alcohol or anything, I’d still try to keep it discreet. But if even that is too much, then later gator. ---
**Author:** ![Jennyrosity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@Jennyrosity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennyrosity)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/8 "2011-08-19T06:32:07Z")
If their sobriety was tenuous enough that my drinking bothered them, I wouldn’t start a relationship with them. However, if we’d already been in a relationship before they got sober, then yes, I would refrain from drinking around them or bringing booze home while they were in that tough early stage. ---
**Author:** ![Shakester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shakester/32/437_2.png) [@Shakester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shakester)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/9 "2011-08-19T07:57:26Z")
If the relationship was otherwise good, I would refrain. I _like_ alcohol. I like beer, I like wine, I like spirits, I like it all. But for a really good relationship? Sure, I could do without booze. I like it, but I’m not in love with the stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/10 "2011-08-19T08:11:26Z")
I can also say that line about “I’m as far from being an alcoholic as it’s possible to be without being a teetotaler” - I had a glass of cider two Saturdays ago (and wasn’t going to drive for a minimum of three hours), half of half a pint of cider in Scotland in 2008, shared a beer with Littlebro in Prague in… 2004? Maybe it was 2005. If he had such a problem with me drinking half a beer or a glass of cider every three years that it got him upset, it would probably have come up much sooner. Like at the first celebration with my family. I would refrain from drinking in front of him and advise my family in advance of that first lunch with the relatives that “like me, he doesn’t drink” (so that, like me, he wouldn’t be pestered to drink by people who think that “no, thanks” means “say it again”), but I don’t think I’d refrain from trying the local mild stuff on account of “my SO, who isn’t even here, doesn’t know when to stop.” Plus right now it’s irrelevant until 2014… ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/11 "2011-08-19T08:28:55Z")
I would have refrained from drinking around her. ---
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/12 "2011-08-19T10:50:52Z")
I wouldn’t drink around an SO who was a recovering alcoholic, but I would be pretty annoyed if the SO tried to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do when I’m not with them. That, to me, would be a dealbreaker. The fact that the SO can’t imagine having a healthy relationship with alcohol doesn’t mean that I don’t get to take a drink ever again. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/13 "2011-08-19T15:50:58Z")
Fixed title: Changed “alcholic” to “alcoholic”. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/14 "2011-08-19T15:53:45Z")
Absofrickenlutely. Then again, drinking isn’t a big part of my life, so I’d actually be a little relieved. Drinks are bloody expensive. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/15 "2011-08-19T15:55:04Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Fixed title: Changed “alcholic” to “alcoholic”. Obrigado. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/16 "2011-08-19T15:59:51Z")
Why on earth would I want to date anyone who can’t engage in one of my favorite passtimes? ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/17 "2011-08-19T16:00:19Z")
No. I don’t want to date a drunk and I don’t want to date a teetotaler. I would break up with the person and find someone whose drinking habits are more compatible with my own. IOW, someone who can go out and drink socially, but yet still maintain some semblance of control. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/18 "2011-08-19T16:07:30Z")
No. I don’t think I’d even get to the stage of her becoming my SO, unless she watched me have a beer with dinner for a few months before starting the lectures. Now if my wife somehow **became** an alcoholic, which is pretty much unimaginable given that she has fewer than 10 drinks per year, I’d do whatever I could to assist her recovery. ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/19 "2011-08-19T16:21:35Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > Fuck no! I like drinking, and I like beer. If she’s going to flip out on me every time I’m imbibing I don’t see it lasting long at all. I don’t mean that I’d rub in her face as to HOW MUCH I _love_ alcohol or anything, I’d still try to keep it discreet. But if even that is too much, then later gator. I love my gf WAAAY more than I like alcohol. There’s no contest really. ---
**Author:** ![jackdavinci](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackdavinci/32/3259_2.png) [@jackdavinci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackdavinci)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/20 "2011-08-19T16:27:52Z")
I’ve dated two guys who weren’t alcoholics but who had had issues of some sort with people in their lives who were, and so weren’t comfortable with the idea of seeing me drink. So I abstained whenever I was with them and didn’t drink much when I was off on my own either. Wasn’t a big deal. I tend to drink if I’m around drinkers and abstain if I’m around abstainers. Also for some reason, I don’t like to drink in front of family members even though I’ve been old enough to drink for some sixteen years lol. OTOH although I was happy enough to abstain, it eventually became clear that this was just the first of many other deeper issues they had which made them not quite relationship material. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255.md?page=2)