# Say you're romantically involved with an alcoholic. Do you refrain from drinking? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 19, 2011, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255 "2011-08-19T00:40:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/41 "2011-08-19T18:33:11Z")
I have never asked anyone to curtail their behaviour. It’;s my problem, not theirs. But then, I would certainly think twice, maybe three times, before getting involved with someone who drinks. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/42 "2011-08-19T18:44:34Z")
I would refrain **in their presence**. That’s just basic politeness. When a good friend of mine was pregnant, all of us made it a point not to drink when she was around. Not making a point of it, just not doing it. That way she didn’t feel “left out” on beer nights and the like. Ditto any time I’m having dinner with friends who are recovering alcoholics. It’s not polite to swill a martini in front of them, so I don’t do it. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2011, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/43 "2011-08-19T22:17:22Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > 😕 > > How would that have preventend you from getting involved with someone like Lynn – someone strongly opposed to drinking and given to avoiding places focused on alcohol? I guess it wouldn’t. I already answered that question, though - I would stop drinking completely in order to support someone who was a recovering alcoholic. I would have stopped drinking for Lynn. I don’t understand anyone who cares more about casual alcohol use more than a relationship with another person. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/44 "2011-08-20T00:18:17Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Why on earth would I want to date anyone who can’t engage in one of my favorite passtimes? As long as there’s nothing wrong with her mouth, that wouldn’t be a problem for me. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/45 "2011-08-20T00:55:57Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I disagree that saying “I think alcohol is dangerous” is equivalent to saying “I don’t want you to drink.” But that doesn’t matter, because the thread is not (or rather was not intended by me to be) about the alcoholic’s behavior anyway. It’s about the partner or spouse’s reaction. I’ll rephrase the question: > > _Knowing that your moderate drinking distressed your romnntic partner, a recovering alcoholic, would you continue to partake anyway?_ It seems to me that the fact that she’s a recovering alcoholic isn’t really relevant to what you’re asking, then. Suppose she’s distressed by your drinking for religious reasons, or because her last boyfriend was a mean drunk? ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/46 "2011-08-20T04:02:37Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I would have stopped drinking for Lynn. I don’t understand anyone who cares more about casual alcohol use more than a relationship with another person. Because there are plenty of other people on the planet with whom a relationship doesn’t require a lifestyle change. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/47 "2011-08-20T14:31:08Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Because there are plenty of other people on the planet with whom a relationship doesn’t require a lifestyle change. I guess I was going with the assumption that this is a serious, committed relationship. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/48 "2011-08-20T14:49:14Z")
But if it is, how did that happen? I suppose I can imagine that someone I’ve been with for some time decided to stop drinking because they felt that alcohol was becoming a problem for them, and in that case I’d support them by not drinking around them. But if the booze had been a serious problem before they decided to quit, I’d already be gone, and I’d never start dating someone who would require that kind of lifestyle change. Life is short, I don’t have time for everyone else’s issues. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/49 "2011-08-20T15:28:30Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I guess I was going with the assumption that this is a serious, committed relationship. Yeah..well…we never really discussed that. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/50 "2011-08-20T16:22:17Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Yeah..well…we never really discussed that. In general, or in the thread? Because the OP is based on a real-life situation (admittedly from a decade past) between me and a live-in girlfriend. A relationship such as **olive** describes is clearly implied. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/51 "2011-08-20T16:44:21Z")
I’m sorry. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/52 "2011-08-20T16:58:00Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > In general, or in the thread? Because the OP is based on a real-life situation (admittedly from a decade past) between me and a live-in girlfriend. A relationship such as **olive** describes is clearly implied. No, the proper response to a girl you’re dating saying the “assumption that this is a serious, committed relationship” is that you never explicitedly discussed whether you were or not. Usually as a response to getting caught cheating or doing something else that somone who believes they are in a serious, committed relationship wouldn’t do. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/53 "2011-08-20T17:02:19Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > No, the proper response to a girl you’re dating saying the “assumption that this is a serious, committed relationship” is that you never explicitedly discussed whether you were or not. Usually as a response to getting caught cheating or doing something else that somone who believes they are in a serious, committed relationship wouldn’t do. 😕 Did you even read the OP? It specifically says that it was my _live-in girlfriend_. Why would you not assume that the relationship was serious and committed? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/54 "2011-08-20T17:16:38Z")
If it distresses her, it distresses her. She isn’t going to stop being distressed, so the choice is whether to intentionally distress her and cause her discomfort, or make a small sacrifice (which should be easy enough if you drink so little). The choice is going to depend on how much you care about her feelings vs. how much you need to drink. If it’s not a condition you feel you can live with, then break up with her. Attempting to continue the relationship while doing something that you know causes distress is only going to cause resentment. She isn’t going to just magically going to stop being bugged by it and accept it. The choices are: Stay with her and keep doing the thing that she hates. Stay with her and stop doing the thing that she hates. Break up with her. I think the only bad choice is the first one. Adopting an 8th grade, “I’ll do what I want” attitude is all well and good, but not really conducive to the health or happiness of a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/55 "2011-08-20T17:29:04Z")
[QUOTE=olivesmarch4th] I guess I was going with the assumption that this is a serious, committed relationship. [/QUOTE] > [@msmith537](#): > > Yeah..well…we never really discussed that. I get it now! (It’s a joke.) ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2011, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/56 "2011-08-23T05:04:16Z")
I honestly think that if you would alcohol in front of someone you love, then you have a problem with alcohol. Nothing should have that much of a control over your life that you would be unwilling to at least try stop it for someone you truly love. So, in my world, if I truly loved them, I’d be willing to stop. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t. So I guess I’m not saying anything different from anyone else. But, as usual, I hope I said it from a different viewpoint. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2011, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/57 "2011-08-23T13:41:06Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Nothing should have that much of a control over your life that you would be unwilling to at least try stop it for someone you truly love. Note that this applies just as much to her and her practice of worrying at him about his (occasional, non-destructive) drinking. She’s just as much obliged to try to stop that. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2011, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/58 "2011-08-23T20:56:02Z")
No. I dated an abstaining-straight-edge type once, and once was enough. I like drinking socially, and my SO would have to like it, too. My SO doesn’t get to tell me what to do. I keep a bottle of rum in my bedroom which is largely ignored, though I do have a few drinks every other weekend or so (I prefer not to keep it in the fridge because I’ve had issues with thieving roommates in the past). If my SO can’t deal with my occasional enjoyment of drinking in a safe and non-addicted way, we won’t get along well together. But, I am not likely to get with this type of person in the first place anyway (a teetotaler, or a “recovering alcoholic” who thinks that a single drink or a single night of drinking are indicative of an addiction). I subscribe to hedonistic principles in general, and don’t get along with people who willfully deprive themselves of things they want. I also enjoy certain illegal substances that wouldn’t be likely to sit well with this type. I have some baggage concerning this issue. My mom was this kind of person for a _long_ time. She teetotaled because she was married to an alcoholic for 14 years (my dad). When I lived with her at the age of 23, 12 years after their divorce, I was not allowed to keep alcohol in the house. I couldn’t ever drink it in front of her, or else she would bitch at me, then express concerns about “my alcoholism” to other family members. This, after I had a couple of mixed drinks on a Friday night while playing on my computer. Fuck that bullshit! She is lightening up about it over time though, which is nice. Her current bf drinks a few glasses of wine every day, and he’s never been abusive to her. Actually, SHE asked ME if I had any weed a few weeks ago! She’s got a pretty serious eye complications from diabetes, including multiple surgeries, swelling, pressure, and pain, but medical weed isn’t legal in our state yet. I don’t keep it around anymore, but I thought that was very amusing. I think some people (like my mom) get it in their mind that mind-altering substances actually cause people to be abusive. Which is total bullshit. People who are assholes on liquor and/or weed have been assholes all along; they’re just better at hiding it when they’re sober. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2011, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/59 "2011-08-23T21:19:39Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > No. I dated an abstaining-straight-edge type once, and once was enough. I like drinking socially, and my SO would have to like it, too. Why, exactly, does it matter if your significant other likes drinking socially? I hardly drink at all, but I can socialize with persons who do without difficulty. I just have a water while others are having beer. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/60 "2011-08-23T21:26:27Z")
Yeah, insisting that your partner has to drink too is pretty strange. That’s even worse than trying to prohibit them from it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255.md?page=4)