# Say you're romantically involved with an alcoholic. Do you refrain from drinking? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 19, 2011, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255 "2011-08-19T00:40:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![OneMissedPost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8e7dd6/32.png) [@OneMissedPost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneMissedPost)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2011, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/61 "2011-08-23T21:54:10Z")
I would refrain from drinking. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2011, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/62 "2011-08-23T22:00:41Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Yeah, insisting that your partner has to drink too is pretty strange. That’s even worse than trying to prohibit them from it. As I think on it, when I was in my 20s, I had a brief relationship with a woman who thought it was odd that I had never gotten drunk and never intended to; several times she expressed a desire to see me intoxicated, as she thought I could do with a bit limberness in personality. I’m a lot more tightly wound in the real world than I am on the Dope. ---
**Author:** ![boytyperanma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@boytyperanma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boytyperanma)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2011, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/63 "2011-08-23T22:28:48Z")
I don’t think I’d be able to stay in a relationship with Lynn. The level of limitation on my own behavior isn’t acceptable. I rarely drink. I average 3 drinks a month. I think the most I’ve ever drunk at a time in my life is 5 drinks. I’ve never returned home drunk. Someone worrying about my alcoholic consumption is irrational, I’d feel they are projecting their own issues with alcohol onto me. They are the alcoholic and need to accept that and also accept that not everyone has the same problems. It’s like someone telling my I can swim because they are deathly afraid of drowning and I should be too. At first I could understand a compassionate concern not wanting me to follow they same path they once had. After a longer relationship I’d expect them to understand I’m not one that is in danger of doing so. I’d easily accept some limitations to be accommodating to them. Never drink around them. Don’t keep alcohol in the house. Don’t come home drunk or even with the smell of alcohol on my breath. Don’t go out to places or attend events my partner could not because of their issues with alcohol. etc. The situation described where you are going out with coworkers and have a few drinks and returning home sober, her expectations demonstrate a level of control that I’m unwilling to submit too. Sorry Lynn we can be friends still but I think you’ll need to find yourself a better match. I think she has limited herself to only dating non-drinkers or fellow recovering alcoholics. Still a good number of people for her to chose from but I’m not amongst that pool. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/64 "2011-08-24T13:26:07Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Yeah, insisting that your partner has to drink too is pretty strange. That’s even worse than trying to prohibit them from it. I insist that my partner has to drink. That doesn’t mean that I’d expect a non-drinker to drink, or that I expect my partner to regularly tie one on, or even to drink every time I do. It just means that I wouldn’t partner with a non-drinker, just like I wouldn’t partner with anyone with whom I’m not compatible. It’s not as though there’s a universally correct answer to this question, there are a ton of variables here. Investment in the relationship, whether or not you’re much of a drinker anyway, etc. Also, there’s a world of difference between someone who just doesn’t drink because it’s not for them, and someone who’s philosophically opposed to alcohol and can’t grasp the concept of safe use. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/65 "2011-08-24T13:59:46Z")
I would refrain from drinking in front of them or having booze in the house, sure. But to never have a beer or glass of wine when they’re not around without it turning into a big _thing_…nope, not gonna happen. I’m all for not making life harder than it needs to be for someone, but playing along with their irrational fears and insecurities isn’t helpful to either of you. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/66 "2011-08-24T15:27:59Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Yeah, insisting that your partner has to drink too is pretty strange. That’s even worse than trying to prohibit them from it. That’s okay, there’s no risk of you and me dating. > [@DianaG](#): > > I insist that my partner has to drink. That doesn’t mean that I’d expect a non-drinker to drink, or that I expect my partner to regularly tie one on, or even to drink every time I do. It just means that I wouldn’t partner with a non-drinker, just like I wouldn’t partner with anyone with whom I’m not compatible. Pretty much this. I don’t care whether you drink or not, or why. But if you (general) don’t occasionally enjoy getting drunk and silly with me, or high and silly with me, we are not compatible partners. It’s not like this is something I ask, or list as a criterion when looking for potential dates. But if I’m looking at a guy’s profile on okcupid, and he lists “never” for alcohol/drugs, I close the window and keep on looking, the same way I’d do if a guy hates cats, is unemployed, or makes less than 20k income. ---
**Author:** ![OneMissedPost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8e7dd6/32.png) [@OneMissedPost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneMissedPost)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/67 "2011-08-24T15:33:35Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Yeah, insisting that your partner has to drink too is pretty strange. That’s even worse than trying to prohibit them from it. Yes, I agree. Why do people insist that there partner has to drink alcohol? That does not make any sense to me. I’ve seriously never heard of not drinking alcohol being considered a bad thing. It’s probably even safer that someone in the relationship doesn’t drink because they can be the designated driver. I’ve never heard of that being a per-existing relationship requirement. Perhaps, I’m too traditional. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/68 "2011-08-24T15:37:18Z")
> [@OneMissedPost](#): > > Yes, I agree. Why do people insist that there partner has to drink alcohol? That does not make any sense to me. I’ve seriously never heard of not drinking alcohol being considered a bad thing. It’s probably even safer that someone in the relationship doesn’t drink because they can be the designated driver. People tend to socialize/date/sleep with/whatever people like them. I would never be in a serious relationship with someone who didn’t use alcohol/cannabis because I would never date that person to begin with. ---
**Author:** ![OneMissedPost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8e7dd6/32.png) [@OneMissedPost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneMissedPost)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/69 "2011-08-24T15:39:43Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > That’s okay, there’s no risk of you and me dating. > I don’t care whether you drink or not, or why. But if you (general) don’t occasionally enjoy getting drunk and silly with me, or high and silly with me, we are not compatible partners. I seriously doubt there are many people who share this dating perspective. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/70 "2011-08-24T15:39:57Z")
> [@OneMissedPost](#): > > Yes, I agree. Why do people insist that there partner has to drink alcohol? That does not make any sense to me. I’ve seriously never heard of not drinking alcohol being considered a bad thing. It’s probably even safer that someone in the relationship doesn’t drink because they can be the designated driver. > > I’ve never heard of that being a per-existing relationship requirement. Perhaps, I’m too traditional. I also insist that my partners know their their/they’re/theres. Everybody’s got their somethin’. > [@](#): > > I seriously doubt there are many people who share this dating perspective. You’re mistaken. I don’t understand what’s so shocking about not wanting to date someone who doesn’t enjoy the things I enjoy. I also wouldn’t want to date someone who _never_ wanted to go to a museum, or _never_ wanted to go to a ballgame, or _never_ wanted to do any particular thing that I enjoy doing. ---
**Author:** ![OneMissedPost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8e7dd6/32.png) [@OneMissedPost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneMissedPost)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/71 "2011-08-24T15:41:05Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > People tend to socialize/date/sleep with/whatever people like them. I would never be in a serious relationship with someone who didn’t use alcohol/cannabis because I would never date that person to begin with. Huh? If someone has to use drugs/alcohol to get someone to like them, they need to seriously work on their self-esteem. \*\*That is not healthy behavior. \*\* ---
**Author:** ![OneMissedPost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8e7dd6/32.png) [@OneMissedPost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneMissedPost)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/72 "2011-08-24T15:43:55Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I also insist that my partners know their their/they’re/theres. Everybody’s got their somethin’. This is a typical argument. When someone cannot defend their stance on a matter because they know they are wrong, they go after typos. Nice. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/73 "2011-08-24T15:44:16Z")
Alternatively, it’s also typical to ignore the part where I defended my stance and explained exactly what I meant, as well as to pretend that was a “typo”. You’re just being obtuse now. I can _like_ you fine if you don’t drink. I’m just not going to _date_ you, because we are not compatible. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/74 "2011-08-24T15:46:59Z")
> [@OneMissedPost](#): > > Huh? If someone has to use drugs/alcohol to get someone to like them, they need to seriously work on their self-esteem. \*\*That is not healthy behavior. \*\* Wait. . .if I enjoy spending time with someone who shares my POV WRT drugs/alcohol it aint healthy? Huh? ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/75 "2011-08-24T17:00:43Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Wait. . .if I enjoy spending time with someone who shares my POV WRT drugs/alcohol it aint healthy? Huh? I think it’s safe to pass by everything irrational OMP has said in the last few posts. Don’t worry about it 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/76 "2011-08-24T17:07:22Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > I think it’s safe to pass by everything irrational OMP has said in the last few posts. Don’t worry about it 🙂 Cool! Cheers! ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255/77 "2011-08-24T23:16:33Z")
I would refrain from drinking around any recovering alcoholic, whether we were a couple or just friends. Then again I don’t really drink either, but about once a year I get the urge. Urge would be pushed away if I was around an alcoholic. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/say-youre-romantically-involved-with-an-alcoholic-do-you-refrain-from-drinking/593255.md?page=3)