# Scalar kittens are for real ! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2019, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827 "2019-12-13T22:57:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2019, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/1 "2019-12-13T22:57:41Z")
This past July we picked up a [couple kittens](https://imgur.com/7KBGpFg). Bullet (head to the left) and Guillermo The Relentless (the other one). It’s wintery and dry roundabout these here parts, and one strokes a kitty with an abundance of caution, or at least understanding that the process will involve prickly static shocks. So there I was, sitting on the couch, watching Rachel Maddow like a good hive-minded Liberal, and petting Bullet, who was sitting along my left thigh with his tail curled across the top of my leg. He was enduring the little shocks like a champ because he’s a good kitty. Guillermo The Relentless, who is a less good kitty, got jealous of the attention and hopped up on the couch and assumed the same position on my _right_ side. Typical of littermates, he enhanced his overall affection affectation by making sure his tail rested on top of his brother’s. Bullet minded not one bit, as he felt he was getting additional cuddles as deemed righteous by The Universe. So now I’m two fisting, if you will, the kitten joy. And I noticed something. While I was petting both kitties, there were no electrical shocks. “Well, that’s curious.” I thought. And it was. Nearly as curious as the uncomfortably warm feeling I was getting behind my eyes. It didn’t take long before Rachel started turning bright red. And then, suddenly, “ZZZZZOTTTT !” I shit you not, red laser beams shot right out of my eyes and burned an avocado-sized hole right through the TV! The cats didn’t seem to notice, but I conceived a cunning plan. This morning I got my old chaps and sewed a small cat bed (like the one being used in the photo) onto each thigh, forming pockets. I donned the chaps, and slipped a kitty into each pocket, and tied their tails together with some yarn. Sure enough, after a couple of strokes to each one, ZZZZZOTTTTT ! I looked a quick laser pulse at the fireplace and started a fine blaze. I’ve got big plans for this discovery, you can be sure of that! ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2019, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/2 "2019-12-13T23:43:20Z")
You are lucky that your cats can confer so much power on you. Mine, despite suitably dry air, merely add warmth to my sides and snags to my leggings. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2019, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/3 "2019-12-13T23:55:34Z")
Your kittens are completely described by their magnitude? ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2019, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/4 "2019-12-14T02:54:47Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > Your kittens are completely described by their magnitude? Yes, but it’s a force of extraordinary magnitude. ---
**Author:** ![JimNightshade](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jimnightshade/32/3354_2.png) [@JimNightshade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimNightshade)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2019, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/5 "2019-12-14T13:57:39Z")
Ah, they’re 1920’s style “Death Kitties” ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2019, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/6 "2019-12-14T15:37:15Z")
Naturally, the next step in the development of this system must be an orbiting platform, right? Inigo, I’d caution you to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity around your neighborhood, weird vans with strange company names like Nature’s Service &Action or County Installations & Acclimations or Krondittick Gunderson Bros. ---
**Author:** ![JimNightshade](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jimnightshade/32/3354_2.png) [@JimNightshade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimNightshade)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2019, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/7 "2019-12-14T15:54:42Z")
“County Installations & Acclimations or Krondittick Gunderson Bros.” This! Be very careful of this. Once, in the 1960s, for about 20 minutes, one of those vans drove through my neighborhood, blasting “Rio” by Duran Duran, and my neighbor “Homer” went mad for a full 24 hours, and almost burned a dog. Be very wary of these, Sir. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2019, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/8 "2019-12-14T18:34:45Z")
> [@snfaulkner](#): > > Yes, but it’s a force of extraordinary magnitude. Which is why we forge our tradition in the spirit of our ancestors. You have our gratitude. ETA: BTW, I misread the thread title at first and was looking forward to talking about [solar kittens](https://www.amazon.com/Solar-Cat-Book-Jim-Augustyn/dp/0898150183). ---
**Author:** ![Heracles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heracles/32/487_2.png) [@Heracles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heracles)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2019, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/9 "2019-12-18T12:58:59Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > Your kittens are completely described by their magnitude? 😃 The cats may be scalar, but **Inigo Montoya** is more of a vector threat. In addition to the amplitude of the red illumination, one must be mindful of the direction he’s looking at. ---
**Author:** ![swampspruce](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampspruce/32/261_2.png) [@swampspruce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampspruce)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2019, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/10 "2019-12-18T16:19:40Z")
> [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > Which is why we forge our tradition in the spirit of our ancestors. You have our gratitude. > > ETA: BTW, I misread the thread title at first and was looking forward to talking about [solar kittens](https://www.amazon.com/Solar-Cat-Book-Jim-Augustyn/dp/0898150183). Let’s give [Dr. Klahn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcXEvhc31k8) a great big hand! Those are some cute Kittehs. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2019, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/11 "2019-12-18T16:41:41Z")
Can I use “Double Fisted Kitten Joy” as my band name? ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2019, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/12 "2019-12-18T17:28:38Z")
How do you tell them apart? ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2019, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/13 "2019-12-18T18:10:10Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > How do you tell them apart? One likes the left holster, the other likes the right holster. Clearly the next step or **Inigo** is a brightly colored outfit and a cape. ---
**Author:** ![Morgyn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morgyn/32/3041_2.png) [@Morgyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgyn)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2019, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/14 "2019-12-18T18:19:44Z")
> [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#): > > One likes the left holster, the other likes the right holster. > > Clearly the next step or **Inigo** is a brightly colored outfit and a cape. **NO CAPES!** — Edna Mode ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2019, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scalar-kittens-are-for-real/844827/15 "2019-12-18T18:26:55Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > How do you tell them apart? They’re close but not identical. [Bullet](https://imgur.com/c3YVoLb)’s grey completely rings his eyes and he has a rounder face. [Guillermo The Relentless](https://imgur.com/er69MNb) … is the other one. 🙂 Double Fisted Kitten Joy yesssss