# Scathing reviews **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 18, 2002, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885 "2002-03-18T16:15:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/1 "2002-03-18T16:15:15Z")
Just a couple that amused me greatly (possibly apocryphal). For a '60s London musical called **Yes!** the review was simply > [@](#): > > No. And for anyone playing the **Didgeridoo** : > [@](#): > > “Didgeridon’t.” Anyone have any more? ---
**Author:** ![Labdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/439d5e/32.png) [@Labdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labdad)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/2 "2002-03-18T16:28:16Z")
Regarding a performance by Katherine Hepburn, Dorothy Parker once wrote, “She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B.” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/3 "2002-03-18T16:31:31Z")
There are a bunch in this thread: [Devastating Criticism](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=81285) ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/4 "2002-03-18T16:35:19Z")
Oh. I am an unoriginal :wally . ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/5 "2002-03-18T17:05:40Z")
Favorite one NOT written by me: Janet Maslin in the New York Times on “The Specialist” (1994): “Watching Sharon Stone starring opposite Sylvester Stallone is a disaster akin to the Hindenburg crashing into the Titanic.” Favorite one written by me: on Demi Moore’s “Scarlet Letter,” in Movieline: “Who’d have thought it possible for Bruce Willis to marry beneath himself?” ---
**Author:** ![Jadis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@Jadis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jadis)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/6 "2002-03-18T18:00:12Z")
I asked my trusted movie-going friend, **MaxTorque** for his opinion on **I Am Sam** and he kindly referred me to Mr. Cranky’s [review](http://www.mrcranky.com/movies/iamsam.html), from which I take the following: > [@](#): > > If there’s been a torture this severe since the Inquisition, I don’t know what it is. Had I the opportunity, I would have fitted the entire Chinese army with steel soccer cleats and let them march over my unfurled penis if it meant that I could have left the theater even one second earlier than the end of this horrific, manipulative, shameless piece of universal cosmic dung. There’s more. Go read it. Priceless. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/7 "2002-03-18T18:23:46Z")
As long as we’re talking about Mr. Cranky, the only critic I really trust: _I Am Sam_ received Cranky’s lowest rating, the mushroom cloud. He created the mushroom cloud in order to provide a new “basement” for his rating system especially for one truly awful film: _Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows_. From that review, which you can read in full [here](http://www.mrcranky.com/movies/blairwitch2.html): > [@](#): > > I’m willing to bet anything that if you gave a camera and a million dollar budget to every single person in the United States, 99.9% of them would make a better film than “Blair Witch 2.” Hell, I’m willing to bet that if you strapped an 8mm camera to the back of a nauseous cat and threw it in a small room, the resulting footage would be better than “Blair Witch 2.”…There is no moment in this film that doesn’t go beyond pure incompetence. ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/8 "2002-03-18T18:46:47Z")
Also from Mr. Cranky’s site: The bestest review of [Spice World](http://www.mrcranky.com/movies/spiceworld.html) ever. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/9 "2002-03-18T21:02:35Z")
From a review I recently came across, the reviewer first names the director and then says: Apart from him, I am not naming a soul in it, for which generosity I expect grovelling letters of thanks from the cast (and their agents) when they have had time to recover from this and their other notices. and then: It is reported that \ has so far been booked into only three cinemas. I compliment the others on their concern for their audiences. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/10 "2002-03-18T21:39:19Z")
A recent potted review in the Sydney Morning Herald: **Blow** sucks. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/11 "2002-03-18T22:26:32Z")
Also from Mr. Cranky, in his review of [Rollerball](http://www.mrcranky.com/movies/rollerball.html): > [@](#): > > Chris Klein is like Keanu Reeves without any talent. Ouch. ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/12 "2002-03-18T22:55:46Z")
“This is not a book to be set aside lightly… it should be thrown with great force” - \*Dorothy Parker \* ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/13 "2002-03-18T23:03:03Z")
I love Mr. Cranky. From his [Battlefield Earth](http://www.mrcranky.com/movies/battlefieldearth.html) review: > [@](#): > > “Battlefield Earth” is one of the worst films ever made. It’s that simple. It’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space” made with 60 million dollars. Had Ed Wood actually made it, people would expect an apology. When the cultural impact of this fiasco finally sinks in, John Travolta will be lucky if he can get a job plucking the gray hairs out of Ron Palillo’s ass. ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/14 "2002-03-19T00:21:56Z")
From a music review in Alternative Press, circa 1993: _I’d rather listen to an hour of armpit farts fed through an echo chamber._ Colin ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/15 "2002-03-19T01:25:57Z")
I believe Roger Ebert was reviewing Tom Green’s _Freddy Got Fingered_ was when wrote: “This movie doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.” ---
**Author:** ![widdershins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f0a364/32.png) [@widdershins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdershins)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/16 "2002-03-19T01:26:28Z")
George S. Kaufman’s review of a young tenor: “Guido Nazzo is nazzo guido” ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/17 "2002-03-19T08:33:34Z")
Here’s three from “The Rolling Stone Album Guide” that I love: Of the crummy short-lived 80s group GTR: “Ttl sht.” Of the J.J. Fad album “Not Just A Fad”: “I beg to differ.” Of the Swans: “‘Filth’ is loud and bottom heavy, but not quite as lugubrious as ‘Greed’ or ‘Holy Money,’ both of which are so slow and bassy that the vinyl versions almost have to beg the listener not to switch the speed to 45.” ---
**Author:** ![Jervoise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d2c977/32.png) [@Jervoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jervoise)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/18 "2002-03-19T08:58:14Z")
From [Pitchforkmedia.com](http://Pitchforkmedia.com)’s review of Tool’s latest album _Lateralus_: > [@](#): > > “Dictionary of the Underworld also offers several definitions for “tool,” including: “a small boy used to creep through windows,” “to steal from women’s pockets,” and “to loaf, to idle, to do nothing in particular.” All of which oddly strike the nail on the head in relation to Lateralus.” ---
**Author:** ![cckerberos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@cckerberos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cckerberos)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/19 "2002-03-19T09:17:59Z")
My director from high school used to tell a story about a production of “The Diary of Anne Frank” that was so awful that when the Germans arrived at the end, a member of the audience stood up and shouted ‘They’re in the attic!’. ---
**Author:** ![Briny\_Deep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/briny_deep/32/17188_2.png) [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 9:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885/20 "2002-03-19T09:28:52Z")
Review of Jacqueline Susann’s _Once Is Not Enough_: Yes, it is. I forgot who wrote that. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/scathing-reviews/98885.md?page=2)