I was bullied and shunned in middle school (grades 6-8) and often wanted to act out against my oppressors.
Now I’m happy, well-adjusted, and a gregarious extrovert. I’m happily married with 2 kids and many close friends. I’ve even become facebook “friends” with some of those people I hated back then.
They were kids. Kids are stupid and mean. Bullying doesn’t cause everyone to become permanently morose and friendless. If you’re a kid reading this and are being bullied, take heart (and go kick your bully in the balls). The kids that are bullying you are the ones that will end up saying “Man, high school was the greatest time of my life”. That is one of the bleakest statements I’ve ever heard and a curse I wish on no one.
Years ago, I worked with a woman who I eventually found out, to no surprise, that she was a Mean Girl on steroids when she was growing up. I was told, more than once by more than one person, that if someone had taken a gun to school and shot her, people would have stood up and cheered, and her parents got lots of phone calls over the years from the parents of other kids who were on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of the way she treated them.
She married a man who was not a good husband or father (further details might identify them) and a couple years after I left that job, two of their children died in a horrific car accident. In NONE of the condolence messages addressed to her, or him, did I see the word “friend”. Co-worker, former classmate, etc. but not friend, ever. Not once; the only friends were those of the kids. Last I heard, they are still together and their remaining child is grown or nearly so.
I was bullied a lot in West Texas, so much so that I dropped out of school just before my senior year in high school and said to hell with it. I was 17 and didn’t need parental permission, but they didn’t seem to care anyway. To this day I remain a high-school dropout, but I went on to receive bachelor’s and master’s degrees from two major universities and married a university associate professor. My high school recently held its 40th anniversary for what would have been my graduating class. I briefly mulled looking into the cost of a truck bomb but then decided I had better things to do.
I’ve only had very minor bullying issues compared with some on this thread, but I found this interesting. That is EXACTLY the line I took during the one time I had troubles with bullies. No reaction, never complained, didn’t go out of my way to avoid the bullies (but also, obviously, did not approach them).
I think it’s because I thought there was no help to be had (back in the '70s I was probably right), and thought that this strategy, in some weird way, gave me some control of the situation. The bullies wanted to me to appear publicly humiliated - I wouldn’t let that happen.
I have never thought of myself as a victim, but I was ‘bullied’ from 5th or 6th grade through high school. I was a skinny kid, but around the age of 12, I started growing taller…and heavier. I was 6’2" and in the 280-300lb range for my high school years. Verbal assaults and occasional physical altercations were the norm throughout those years (from students AND several teachers). I rarely had the the ability to fight back verbally, especially since my self-esteem was non-existent. But I did defend myself physically and kicked ass a few times, which I hoped would lessen the verbal attacks. But instead it just made the kid that I fought an outcast for getting beaten up by me.
When I would tell my mom about the things said or done to me, all hell broke loose! My mom, when defending me, would have made a rapid mother bear look like a lapdog! The only real benefit was that my teachers and principals were terrified of her, but not the students (unless she went off on their parents more than once). I had severe anxiety and panic attacks from the age of 13 until my early 20s. In high school, I skipped more than HALF of the school days each year just to avoid the altercations. Somehow, I still managed to pass with an A- average, but that probably speaks as much to the deficient school system as it does to my intelligence. I didn’t even go to my graduation ceremony.
I started therapy in my mid 20s and continued, on and off, for about 10 years. Shortly after my 10-year reunion, which I didn’t attend, my therapist suggested that I write letters to the people who hurt me the most. She told me to be brutally honest and, if I was comfortable doing so, let her read them and we would mail them together. She made surprisingly few revisions to what I wrote and I send five letters initially. Two were to former teachers and three to former classmates. I was surprised that two actually responded, both of them former classmates. One told me I was mistaken and that he never said or did any of the things I claimed. The other one was a sincere apology letter, and later a tearful phone call with the guy begging for my forgiveness, which I gave him.
I’ve sent a few more of those letters over the years, typically when long-buried memories resurfaced and I couldn’t ‘shake’ them. But I also wrote quite a few letters to a few students (all female) and teachers (again, all female) who were kind to me, regardless of how it affected their social standing. One of my teachers, actually the School Librarian in high school, wrote me back saying that she cried for two hours after reading my letter. She had been dealing with her son’s bad decisions and their consequences for a few years and finally had to distance herself from him. She felt like she was a failure as a parent (even though her daughter is a highly-respected ADA in our county) and my letter made her realize that she made a difference in someone’s life. That was eight years ago and we meet for dinner at least twice per year for dinner, with regular emails and texts in between.
My 20th class reunion was in 2013 and I decided to go! I was successful, healthy (lost almost 80lbs since high school) and I am NOT the same kid they knew back in high school! I had a lot of anxiety, but Valium helped with that, and my friend (the former School Librarian) went for support and to help kick ass (verbally) if needed. But I discovered that almost all of the people who were so horrible 20 years ago have evolved into much kinder and caring individuals. Most of them had kids of their own and a few shared their experience dealing with their children being bullied. I went there “greased to kill” (so to speak) but instead I let go of decades of hurt and anger that night! I hate to admit it, but a few of the worst offenders weren’t there…because they were in prison or strung out on drugs. I’m not proud, but I found some sinister satisfaction that karma had taken care of them!
The advent of Facebook has also helped me let go of any residual hatred and anger. Quite a few of the lesser offenders have ‘friended’ me and I realized that they don’t even remember doing or saying the things that hurt me. I had already dealt with the worst ones (and my mom ran into one of the horrible teachers in the grocery store about five years ago and verbally eviscerated her in front of other people to see how she liked it). The bitch, err…I mean, woman, left in tears. I’ll probably never know if she was just embarrassed by the public spectacle or felt true remorse for her actions, but it doesn’t matter. I have forgiven all of those people (although sometimes forgiveness is something you have to do over and over in your mind) for my sake.
I was bullied a LOT ,but it rarely got physical because I wasn’t one of those kids who could be stuffed in a locker. I was athletic and could defend myself well. My problem was that I was the biggest dork in the world so being made fun of was pretty much a constant. Didn’t help that I let my grandfather pick my clothes and I didn’t care at all that I looked completely out of fashion. I’ve always been so disinterested in clothes that to this day I don’t dress myself. My wife chooses all my clothing. The only thing I’ll ever buy is a T-shirt I think is funny or cool. But I didn’t have a single girlfriend in school.
I have no hard feelings either. Although most of my worst bullies aren’t on social media.
Bullying in those years continue to affect me personally, professionally and sexually. I really dont hold grudges against the kids involved, I turn blame to the adults who saw it and didn’t care enough to help. Teachers, parents, older siblings all saw things but I wasn’t important enough to help. My lowest point, middle school in the shower. Kid next to me pissed on me. Last time I took shower at school. The kid who did it wasn’t even one of my main tormentors, just some guy. If he could do it, then who could I really trust.
I was singled out for ridicule and bullying from 4th grade through the end of high school, stretching across two vastly separated states (GA and NM) as well as encompassing 5 schools within 3 school systems.
• I learned it wasn’t them, those specific guys. Look, when you get uprooted and get to start over in a different context where people don’t know you, and the exact same shit starts up, it can’t be the bad town you live in, or that particular group of bad kids you have the misfortune of going to school with.
• I learned it wasn’t just that the world sucks and people are mean nasty and rotten everywhere you go. Because it wasn’t happening to everyone. It wasn’t only happening to the intelligent kids, there were some smart popular kids who weren’t being bullied. It wasn’t only happening to the kids who won’t stick up for themselves, either. I wasn’t good at fighting but I was outraged about all this ("how fucking dare they?) and I was no dust mop. It certainly wasn’t only happening to the kids who DID stick up for themselves, either. Many new kids had the one fight and were then left alone.
• Over time I saw a change in adult attitudes. In 3rd grade the people who did the bullying were definitely regarded as discpline problems and those of us being picked on got sympathy and support, even if that didn’t make the problem go away. By 8th grade there I had seen winks and heard in-jokes especially from male adults, and the bullies were treated as rowdy people behaving as they were expected to behave even though they were breaking rules; and those of us being picked on were treated as whiny complainers who were probably lying and were immature if we couldn’t handle this kind of crap by ourselves.
I went back to my 10 year high school reunion, actually. Some of the people who picked on me came up to me and apologized. A few others came up to me and congratulated me on apparently getting the stick out of my ass and ceasing to be such a goody goody two shoes kind of person.
I vanquished a few ghosts from my head by going back and being present.
I was bullied in Elementary School and Junior High, but I never thought that it was all that serious. I avoided the bullies, and didn’t give them the satisfaction of seeing me defeated. It pretty much came to an end in JH when one of the bullies started to punch my shoulder during lunch, and I got up and frog-marched him to the wall, pinned him there, and said “Don’t ever touch me again!”
He didn’t, and that was pretty much the end.
Still, there were some assholes (not really bullies, just jerks) that I still think I owe a sock in the mouth to. I’ve never been back to a reunion, which is a bit disappointing, since I know I am in way better shape than most of those guys…
My oldest brother Steven bullied me all my life til the time he died 3 years ago. Not physically, but mentally. I’m 59 and finally 3 years before he died I stood up to him and told him “fuck you” many times. Finally he stopped speaking to me. The consequences of his actions are that I feel no sadness over his death. I ended up being the one to tell the doctor to take him off life support. Poetic justice. Maybe the consequence is that I blame my mother for refusing to recognize that he was a bully.
I don’t like socializing. I don’t like people (and the misanthropy is only getting worse as I get older). But I really don’t think what numbnuts said or did to me as a kid are the reason for this. To be frank, most people just get on my nerves. I don’t have trust issues or anything like that. I just have little tolerance for other people’s imperfections. I actually think I’m more at risk of being the bully than being bullied at this point in my life.
I have occasional bouts of poor self-esteem and low confidence (though these bouts are growing less frequent as I get older). And sometimes I do hear a little voice telling me that I’m a “retard”, which is what the kids used to call me back in the day. But it’s not an irrational voice. Sometimes I really do act like I’m tetched. I think being a little hard on myself keeps me from being totally mediocre, though.
Childhood seems so far away. There has been so much I’ve learned about myself since I was a kid, and I’ve had plenty of time to let shit go. I think one thing that’s helped is moving away from my hometown. I don’t associate with anyone from high school or childhood. I don’t do Facebook, so I don’t have to worry about old foes tracking me down. Maybe that’s why it has been so easy for me to get over it.
I wouldn’t say I was bullied as much as I was sexually harassed and assaulted routinely from 5th grade to about 11th grade. I hit puberty at age nine and had large breasts before I was eleven. Being groped and poked and having scary awful things whispered/shouted/written in notes/scrawled on my locker… made me dread school. I learned the tall girl with large breasts stance, hunch your shoulders and keep your books over you boobs so they can only poke/prod/punch the sides. By 11th grade I was a very strong athlete with a deeply simmering rage, I stopped letting them get away with it and started fighting back. This got me labeled as a “man hating dyke” for my last two years of HS, but no one laid a hand on me again.
It took some time after high school to work through my rage, and I still don’t trust men. Even after many years (high school was in the mid 70’s), when I started thinking maybe guys are okay, the internet happened and I quickly learned that nope, same shit, different venue. Intellectually I know there are decent men, I even have a couple of male friends I think the world of, but they will always be viewed as the exception by me.
In 9th grade, I was the designated target. Even the school administration knew about it, and didn’t care, because oh, just one kid getting bullied isn’t all that big a deal.
I got kicked out of that school at the end of the year, and good riddance. The school where I spent the next three years was much better by pretty much every metric, and did not tolerate bullying.
As for the bullies, though… The one I worried about the most happened to live right next door to me, so I wasn’t completely rid of him even after I transferred. But he became a more decent person as he matured, and by my 18th birthday, we buried the hatchet when he and a group of his friends challenged me and a group of my friends to a pickup football game. They beat us quite soundly, but fairly and cleanly, and I never had any trouble with him again.
That’s kinda what sticks in my mind, too. I only remember a few really bad incidents of being bullied, and I’ve forgotten the names of all the bullies, but I do remember no one standing up for me or even giving a damn. When my brother would bully me and I’d tell my mom, her usual reaction was “oh, he’s just doing that because he knows it bothers you.” To this day, I don’t know why that made it okay.
I’m not the same person I was back then, but it hasn’t really left me, either. Mostly I just learned to be as small and unnoticeable as possible. I was home a few years ago to look after my mother and some of those same dynamics are still there.
Yeah, back when most of us were in school bullying was regarded as normal. Administrators really didn’t want to deal with it, they figured we should be dealing with it on our own. Sure, and kids should also be avoiding drugs and smoking on their own, yet administrators never minded catching and disciplining kids for that.
I think this is what pisses me off the most. Most people hear the word “bully” and they imagine someone being teased or called names. What happens IRL is straight up assault, sexual or otherwise, and if an adult did it they would be in jail. And I think part of the problem is that portrayals of bullies on TV are mostly aimed at children and therefore don’t show the reality of the problem.
Another problem I’ve seen a lot here is that you simply can’t win. The social game is complicated and not all of us were cut out for it. Even if you stand up to them and win, you still don’t really win. People just go from making fun of you to outright hating you.
I also notice that girls got it a lot worse. It’s no wonder girls had such tight cliques. Protection.
I’m 55 now. Male. I got bullied in Junior High. Say… 1973.
I was one of the big kids in school. The tallest usually. I got bullied by one little guy. He always wanted to start a fight with me. I probably could have kicked the everlivin shit out of him. I had 20 pounds and 5 inches on him.
I don’t know why he targeted me. I guess because he knew I would not fight. It hurt bad back then. The names he called my mom and me. I didn’t understand at the time.
I would not fight. And really had no idea why this kid had it in for me. I didn’t know him from Adam. I was just a target. I guess he thought if he could put me down, he would get some status or something.
He ended up getting kicked out of school. The school found a .45 in his locker. Glad I’m still here to talk about this.
Maybe not quite a bully, but a guy from my high school who was an arrogant jock type straight out of Alpha Beta house on Revenge of the Nerds is now a LCSW and, from what I’ve heard, is basically Mr. Mackey from South Park.
I was bullied in high school, during freshman year. Thankfully what happened was nowhere near as bad as what others in this thread have gone through. It was verbal bullying only, and only in a couple of classes in freshman year. After that, I was never in the same class with the girl who was doing it again, and frankly after leaving high school I never saw her nor really thought about her.
Then, twenty years later, this happened. And this. And this. That’s her. The person who bullied me in ninth grade remains a bully, and eventually made the national news for it.
In NONE of the condolence messages addressed to her, or him, did I see the word “friend”. Co-worker, former classmate, etc. but not friend, ever. Not once; the only friends were those of the kids. Last I heard, they are still together and their remaining child is grown or nearly so.