SDMB -- BDSM, AOK?

Great Debates
81

A quick comment on safewords (yea, I’m late…sorry) I don’t use safewords, I discuss what happens beforehand. Not step by step, but my partner has a clear vision of what is and isn’t good before anything happens. I’ve never had a deviation yet, and if there ever was partner had better plan on killing me, because the second I can get out of the ropes they are one dead puppy. (I’m a sub. I’m not a doormat.)

So safewords haven’t really ever been my thing. I trust the people I play with and we have sat down as equals, out of scene, and talked about what we are interested in doing.

Rules of Kink: Don’t do anything either party is uncomfortable with.

Beyond those guidelines, my rule on amount of injury is medical attention. If it requires almost any sort of medical attention, its too much. Cutting is okay if it’s not deep enough to require a bandaid. But that’s my personal limit. Legislation? I wouldn’t feel comfortable with limiting even Mr. StringMeUp. Its his body. No, I’m not happy with the idea, but I’m not a particular lover of abortions either. If it improves his quality of life, as judged by himself, and harms no one else, its his party.

Now if he is also a dysfunctional member of society, my tune changes, then he needs therapy, as it is obvious he is no longer a happy, healthy person. If in the course of that therapy he loses his love of sleeping like a bat, fine. If not, fine. But the act itself is his to do.

82

Fur lined? Puss. Go hard or go home :smiley:

I’d like to check in again after many days of silence (I just let Sexy take the sub reins and run with them) and say that safewords are necessary for some people not because of trust issues, but physical ones. When engaging in any sort of bdsm play I would HAVE to have a safeword, even if I was with the kindest and most heavenly of Doms because I have a bad back that can go out at any time, even when I just stretch my hands behind me…so I’d like to be able to let someone know that my left leg is going numb, even if it doesn’t seem like we’re doing anything to aggrivate it.

carry on…

yours in submission,

jarbaby

83

I was just trying to keep it light for the vanillas. :wink: I do my own leather work, hand harness stitching, and lined with light pigskin of anything at all. I wish I had used an different analogy. Now I’ve got this mental image of Dr. Zira from * Planet of the Apes * decked out like Betty Page. Aargh! I’m going to have to sandpaper my frontal lobes.

A fair number of kinky folks are coming out of the woodwork here. Glad to hear more voices. Sometimes I think it can be as difficult to “out” oneself as being kink as being gay. Some of us have revealed what I consider to be pretty personal information about ourselves in the cause of enlightening out SDMB peers.

Madea’s Child made an important distinction, “I’m a sub. I’m not a doormat” that may not be obvious to vanillas. If a person has low self-esteem they have no business being involved in BDSM, it’s a recipe for disaster sub or dom. Good kink requires people that respect and care for each other as themselves. I’ve encountered lots of wannabes that see domming as a way to feel power or subbing as a way to be loved. Keep those people the **** away from me please.

84

I know we’re drifting from the OP more and more…but this really stood out to me. I think it’s really true. There are, of course, differences (folx don’t need to know what you do in your bedroom or anywhere else, but you’d like to be able to introduce your partner at work functions, etc.). But I have quite a few female friends who accepted my bisexuality but are bent out of shape to think of me enjoying being tied up and/or dominated. The former makes me a trailblazer, someone who embraces the beautifulness of women and the fullness of her sexuality…the latter makes me a perv or an anti-feminist (pah!).
I stayed away from this thread for awhile (didn’t want Sexy to think I was stalkin’ her), but I’ve been reading the dialogue with interest.

85

As far as the idea of relating coming out as “kinky” to coming out as being gay, I think there are certainly similarities, but there are telling differences as well.

note: The following is purely subjective interpretations of interactions I’ve had with people of various stripes and attitudes and may well be skewed by my perceptions or the people with whom I associate

In the first place, I don’t think that people who are outed as being involved in BDSM face nearly the same physical danger that gays do. I have yet to run into someone who says they were bashed because they were known to be involved in BDSM. Additionally, unlike being gay, unless someone is gong to be extremely eccentric on their trips to the supermarket or out to dinner, there’s no obvious way to know who’s kinky and who isn’t. Unlike a gay couple, a man and a woman holding hands as they walk through the park might be a wonderfully romantic and purely vanilla experience for them. On the other hand, they could also be a dominant and submissive walking along, one subtley but convincingly controlling the other with a simple grip on their hand. At the same time, I do feel that there can be a more widespread, if more subtle, social sanction against them if it does becomes common knowledge.

I think casual interest in BDSM is a very widespread. As such, most people can at least imagine or fantasize about an encounter with their partner that incorprates BDSM themes, be it a little bondage or spanking or whatever. Accordingly, I think that these people are much less threatened by and more accepting of someone enjoying BDSM than they might be by someone who is gay.

This acceptance holds for people who engage in BDSM “from time to time” or as part of their sexual expression, but I think it tends to run into a brick wall when confronted with those who take it more seriously and incorporate it into their daily lives. Those people who are accepting, to one degree or another, of casual BDSM activity often do not have the same tolerance for those who are engaged in a “lifestyle” or 24/7 BDSM relationship. During one of the few in-depth conversations I’ve had on the subject with someone who incorporated BDSM into his daily life, the dom actually used the same analogy. He felt it was funny that in his area (Boston) he felt that gays had a greater level of acceptance than he did in a hetero BDSM relationship.

I think I’ve seen evidence of the same predjudice borne out in other conversations with people who are accepting of “a little spanking now and then”, but throw up their hands in horror at the idea of someone actually living that way. To be sure, there are those who are not involved in BDSM, or involved only casually, who shrug and say “Whatever works for them”, but I’ve not found it to be a terribly common reaction.
[sup]could I work the word BDSM in there a few more times if I really tried?[/sup]

86

I don’t think I’ve ever been intimate with someone who wasn’t at least a little into BDSM, even if it might be in a little way, like wanting to be held down, or to be slapped on the ass, or bit, scratched, etc. In my experience it’s just a natural part of sex.

87

I’m grateful that you kinda expanded upon the idea, Ankh Too. I hope I didn’t miff anyone by smudging the two kinds of “coming out” together; I’m in absolute agreement with Ankh and didn’t mean to rank one as more difficult than the other or any such pissing match.

…or her neck…mrow!

88

I wished I had stated that differently after I hit submit. Gays have it harder by far and face much more overt discrimination than merely kinky straight folks do.

Still, I suspect that some of the vanilla folks on the board will look at the kinky of us in this thread a little differently from now on.

89

I certainly hope so Padeye… :wink:

can I get you anything sir?

jarbaby

90

I am looking at you differently…

91

vanilla - I’m not sure if you look at us/me differtly in a good or bad way. Could you please indicate with appropriate smiley icon?

jarbaby - Uh, you don’t need to get me anything but can you do that “mrow” thing? :smiley:

moi - Thanks, I never knew how to spell that. FWIW I’ve been trying to do the Roy Orbison tiger growl thing for years and still haven’t gotten it right.

92

Perhaps if you wouldn’t use the term vanilla? :stuck_out_tongue:

Only severe disfigurements make me look at people differently. Oh ya, and if they openly admit to being communist :wink:

93

Egads. I need to work on my technique or somethin’. :hmph:

:wink: