Goethe’s right. Nail’s head is in another place. But he’s not only thinking about his wife. He misses her more than life itself, but he is confident she is safe. He knows all he has to do is survive this and he can see her again. Once this is all over. But when’s that going to be? What in the world is the crew getting into? Even for somebody as skilled at going with the flow at Nail, his mind cannot resist letting in a sense of unease. He stares intently at the skyline thinking, Here we go again…
But his attention is soon taken away by the wind rustling against his gun. Horrible mental images flash back into his mind, the mental pathways speedened by years of unwilling practice. It’s been years since he came home to find his mother brutally murdered. It’s been years since that day he came home to see his father shooting a strange gunman, the last customer of a house turned into a wrecked carnival of bodies and debris. It’s been years but he can still remember every curl of smoke from his father’s pistol, and the smell of the gunpowder and blood.
He didn’t see his father much after that day. For his protection, his father said, Nail was shipped off to various boarding schools. On days where most boys would either go home or have visiting relatives, Nail would only get the occasional care package. Not that he really wanted to see his father. He blamed his father entirely for his mother’s death. His father had lied to everyone, not telling anyone about his running career. It was his dirty secret life, his fault his mom had been targeted. He never once tried to deny it.
Which is what made it even more shocking on the day of his 21st birthday, the dorm receptionist said he had a visitor in his room. It was his father. Silently holding a box, all he said was, “It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this.” As soon as he took the package, his father left. Thanks old man, he thought sarcastically, and threw it in a corner of his closet. He didn’t even open it for years, but he had a sixth sense he knew what it was. He always knew.
His eyes turn to the gun at his side, focusing back onto the present day. Well I’m not happy, he thinks. You knew the rules. You would only be used in times of dire need, when it was my life or theirs. And now look, you’re getting your rocks off all over the place. Zombies, ghouls, and men… men… That was the second rule. You were not allowed to kill anyone. Now innocent blood is on our hands. Can you wash that off? Of course not, you’re just a gun…
And some gun at that, too! he continues thinking. If you’re going to see action all the time, the least you can do is be effective. You can’t knock a gun out of a goon’s hand, or knock an elemental out in one hit, or even take down a rampaging dragon! He chuckles quietly despite himself. Although, I guess that last one is asking a lot…
Unsurprisingly, this is not the first time Nail has had a monologue like this with his weapon. Sometimes it even seems like the gun talks back. I only serve to protect you… Nail thinks he hears it say. The voice always sounds similar to his father, like he can feel his father there with him. He hates this feeling almost as much as he hates using the gun itself.
That’s a lie! he snaps back. What have you protected? You couldn’t protect mother back then, and you can barely protect me now. Protection? It was probably you that got father into all this mess in the first place. You were always father’s gun, the gun that he used on countless runs, the gun that earned him his fame, the very fame that ruined the happy life we all had!
Mentally hyper-ventilating, Nail manages to calm down. Although, that’s not really fair. You’re just a tool, an inanimate object. Father’s the real asshole here…wherever he is. He stares out the window a few seconds more.
The bottom line is, if I didn’t need to make sure I stayed alive for my wife’s sake, I’d rather shoot myself and die than use you even a single time.
What seemed like a lengthy dialogue in Nail’s mind had only taken about a minute in real time. Working through his feelings some actually brightens Nail’s mood slightly, and it’s not long before Goethe replies to Rescigno’s final warning. Nail replies in turn,
“And you better make it out of this alive so I can borrow more booze from you. You know I’m good for it.”