# SDMB threads that had you cracking up **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 28, 2011, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355 "2011-08-28T04:52:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Win\_Place\_Show](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/win_place_show/32/13469_2.png) [@Win\_Place\_Show](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Win_Place_Show)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2011, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/1 "2011-08-28T04:52:17Z")
Among my own circle-of-dorks, I am far and away the wittiest/funniest one among them. Almost like the ‘old’ Tiger Woods, where it was “Tiger vs the field”, and the only competition was for 2nd place. But I have met my match, in that I don’t even bother trying to compete with some of you guys/gals on the SDMB. So, can I start a thread of links to SDMB threads that had you “spitting out your drink of choice, all over the monitor”? (And if this thread has already been done, then please point me to it, and I’ll politely ask the Mods to close this one). Also, I wasn’t sure if this was more suited to IMHO, or ATMB. My ante is the [John Franklin Kennedy thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=621962)… (and totally no offense to the OP in that one, if it was a simple typo) - but the responses had me almost begging for oxygen I was laughing so hard 😃 ---
**Author:** ![DoperChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@DoperChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoperChic)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2011, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/2 "2011-08-28T05:47:19Z")
[This](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=250644) thread is from 2004 but it’s a great place to start. It’s got many of my favorites. [The horror of blimps](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=160851) was the first thread that came to mind. I’m sure there has to be a more recent collection of great threads but I can’t seem to find one at the moment. ---
**Author:** ![DoperChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@DoperChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoperChic)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2011, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/3 "2011-08-28T05:54:55Z")
Then of course there was the day that Hal Briston left his account logged-in but unattended at work. [Sex with sheep is fun](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=333640) ---
**Author:** ![NineToTheSky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5a626/32.png) [@NineToTheSky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NineToTheSky)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2011, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/4 "2011-08-28T10:42:20Z")
There’s [The funniest thread on the Dope](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=493537) from 2008. And [The Top 101 Straight Dope Threads…Of All Time](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=346360&highlight=lord+rings+written) from 2005, which includes many funny ones. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/5 "2011-08-29T04:35:50Z")
Almost anything started by Rue DeDay. I gotta look up his blog again. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/6 "2011-08-29T05:11:34Z")
I can’t remember the thread, but it ended with an amazing story about a guy who’d been up all night playing a board game with friends when a Mormon (or was it a Jehovah’s Witness?) missionary knocks on his door and he winds up chasing her, nearly naked, down the street with a sword. That thread (specifically, that post) has made me laugh more than any other. ---
**Author:** ![RadicalPi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/radicalpi/32/9806_2.png) [@RadicalPi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RadicalPi)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/7 "2011-08-29T05:57:17Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I can’t remember the thread, but it ended with an amazing story about a guy who’d been up all night playing a board game with friends when a Mormon (or was it a Jehovah’s Witness?) missionary knocks on his door and he winds up chasing her, nearly naked, down the street with a sword. That thread (specifically, that post) has made me laugh more than any other. Here it is: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=4600087&postcount=31](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=4600087&postcount=31) ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/8 "2011-08-29T07:45:27Z")
There was one with a string of hypotheticals that eventually led to the question whether you would shoot baby Hitler if he was glued to the seat of a burning car. If anyone has a link to it, please post. I’ve been looking for it. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/9 "2011-08-29T09:01:44Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > There was one with a string of hypotheticals that eventually led to the question whether you would shoot baby Hitler if he was glued to the seat of a burning car. If anyone has a link to it, please post. I’ve been looking for it. Post 99 in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=289696&page=2) ? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/10 "2011-08-29T09:38:05Z")
[Could You Make a Viable Stellar System From Jelly Tots?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=435896) amused me. [Can Superman tear his own head off?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=359926) was funny. I especially liked this part: [QUOTE=Terrifel] From “JLA Self-Mutilation 80-Page Giant”-- **THE PASSION OF THE BAT** (Not a dream! Not an imaginary story!) (SCENE: THE JUSTICE LEAGUE SATELLITE) GREEN LANTERN: --and so, to resolve this question once and for all, Batman and Superman have both agreed to a race. At my ring-signal, Superman will attempt to tear his own head off before Batman can crucify himself. WONDER WOMAN: Um… does anyone remember what the point of this contest was? GREEN ARROW: Don’t act so innocent, babe. How can you expect people to trust a leader, if he can’t even tear his own head off when the situation demands it? WONDER WOMAN: But… it’s impossible for a person to tear their own head off! I mean, physically impossible! And how can someone crucify themselves, for that matter? How could they nail their last hand down? GREEN LANTERN (FORMS GIANT STOPWATCH WITH RING): And… begin! (BATMAN INSTANTLY LEAPS INTO THE SHADOWS AND EMERGES WITH A SPECIALLY PREPARED BAT-CRUCIFIX. LEANING IT AGAINST THE WALL, HE JUMPS INTO PLACE AND PRODUCES THREE HUGE IRON NAILS AND A BALL-PEEN HAMMER FROM HIS UTILITY BELT. TEETH GRITTED IN AGONY, HE DRIVES ONE NAIL STRAIGHT THROUGH BOTH FEET, THEN HAMMERS HIS LEFT HAND DOWN.) BATMAN: …HRNH! …HGHHH! …_NNGGHHGHH!!!_ (WITH INHUMAN DEXTERITY, HE DROPS THE HAMMER WHILE HANGING ONTO THE FINAL NAIL, ITS POINT FIRMLY PRESSED INTO HIS RIGHT PALM. BY SHIFTING HIS CENTER OF GRAVITY, HE ROCKS HIMSELF MADLY BACK AND FORTH, UNTIL THE CRUCIFIX FINALLY PITCHES FORWARD, CRASHING TO THE FLOOR… THE FORCE OF THE IMPACT DRIVING THE FINAL NAIL HOME!) SUPERMAN (WHO HAS NOT MOVED AT ALL): Oh, well… I guess you win, then. (SHRUGS) GREEN ARROW: … …Wow. You really _are_ a dick! [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/11 "2011-08-29T15:03:08Z")
In case you haven’t seen it yet, look at [The popular nonsense threads at SDMB with more than 100 posts per thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=622210) where the OP points to some older threads that are attempts to catalog the sort of threads you’re after. I’m going to link back to this thread from there shortly. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/12 "2011-08-29T16:32:39Z")
[Halvsie, the two-legged dog](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=51807&highlight=Halvsie) is one of my all-time favourites. Just remembering the title has me giggling like an idiot at the moment 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/13 "2011-08-29T17:35:12Z")
[Recipes for Terror.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=569145) ---
**Author:** ![3\_20\_59\_or\_bust](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/47e85d/32.png) [@3\_20\_59\_or\_bust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3_20_59_or_bust)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/14 "2011-08-29T18:38:58Z")
Try this one: [Why does my peepee have balls?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/archive/index.php/t-179780.html) ---
**Author:** ![Katriona](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/katriona/32/113_2.png) [@Katriona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katriona)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/15 "2011-08-29T18:48:28Z")
I HAD to open this one because of an unfortunate nickname that stuck with me from high school (blue uniforms/white hats for marching band), and then I was gasping for air and laughing so hard I was sobbing at the actual incident: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=358060&highlight=smurf+polish](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=358060&highlight=smurf+polish) ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/16 "2011-08-29T19:55:42Z")
> [@hermette](#): > > Post 99 in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=289696&page=2) ? 🙂 That’s the one! Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/17 "2011-08-29T20:12:33Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > There was one with a string of hypotheticals that eventually led to the question whether you would shoot baby Hitler if he was glued to the seat of a burning car. If anyone has a link to it, please post. I’ve been looking for it. Was that thread the sequel to the, ‘would you shoot your son if we was trapped in a wreaked car’? One of the responses was to the effect, ‘I’d shoot him once in the leg first just to let him know I meant business.’ ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/18 "2011-08-29T20:14:34Z")
Pan fried semen. Accept no substitutes. ETA - and the one that started out attacking **lindsaybluth** and ended up with everybody bragging about how they were so rich they had a garage and not a car-hole like _some_ people, plus they didn’t have to use no plastic colanders. ---
**Author:** ![Scubaqueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@Scubaqueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scubaqueen)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/19 "2011-08-30T14:02:45Z")
what? no love for **‘the cooler of death’**? and no, i didn’t look up the link. that one damn near made me crack a rib. ---
**Author:** ![Scubaqueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@Scubaqueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scubaqueen)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355/20 "2011-08-30T14:32:22Z")
nevermind, **ninetothesky** has it covered. and it’s **‘cooler of doom.’** 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sdmb-threads-that-had-you-cracking-up/594355.md?page=2)