# Secret Gross-Out Illuminati? A word, please... **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 9, 2001, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316 "2001-04-09T03:42:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/df788c/32.png) [@Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ben)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/1 "2001-04-09T03:42:13Z")
So it started small, with Carl’s Jr. commercials. Then we had the onslaught of gross-out movies. But today, in the same day, I saw a trailer for “Joe Dirt” in which a man pointed out the nuts in a frozen pooball, and an anti-smoking commercial in which some guy squeezed plaque out of an aorta, on broadcast TV, during primetime. It’s one thing if I rent a movie and it’s gross. It’s another to be at home, watching “The Simpsons,” not wanting to see anything particularly gross, and then to have an aorta waved in my face. If it were within my power, I would hire one of those Philip K. Dick harassment mini-zeppelins to follow you people around and play “Pink Flamingoes” at all times. While you’re trying to eat. While you’re trying to have sex. While you’re having quality time with your children. While you’re in meetings, trying to plan the next way to gross us out. And while I were at it, I’d send one after the Shitmonger, too. -Ben ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/2 "2001-04-09T05:31:38Z")
So, how did you like _Quills_, Ben? ALTERNATE RESPONSE A: Y’know, Calvin (of _Calvin & Hobbes_ fame) started a game called “gross-out”. You take turns saying the grossest thing you can think of, and when one person grosses the other person out, he gets a point. So far, you’re losing, Ben. ALTERNATE RESPONSE B: Wanna hear my Toothpaste Story? ---
**Author:** ![hashiriya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hashiriya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hashiriya)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/3 "2001-04-09T08:15:55Z")
> [@](#): > > Wanna hear my Toothpaste Story? I’ll take you up on that offer - I could use some good quality entertainment! -hashiriya- ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/4 "2001-04-09T09:14:06Z")
Well, it starts with inexperience, moves on to masturbation using toothpaste as a lubricant, and ends with a bleeding penis. Still wanna hear the whole story? ---
**Author:** ![TPWombat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbce88/32.png) [@TPWombat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TPWombat)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/5 "2001-04-09T09:17:03Z")
::raises hand:: I do!! ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 9:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/6 "2001-04-09T09:34:50Z")
For the love of God, _not the toothpaste story!!_ Will someone **please** think of the children?? ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/7 "2001-04-09T09:54:16Z")
When I have children, I want to be able to tell them exactly why they shouldn’t masturbate with toothpaste. ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/8 "2001-04-09T12:34:48Z")
Me too! **SPOOFE** , make with the toothpaste story! ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/9 "2001-04-09T13:32:13Z")
No, please. I’m a weak old man here. You crazy kids show some respect! ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/10 "2001-04-09T13:44:23Z")
You could have it worse. He could relate…_The Toothbrush Story!!!_ ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/11 "2001-04-09T15:03:09Z")
But **Ben** , the aorta is just trying to show how smoking is bad. Being gross for a good cause is ok, really. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2001, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/12 "2001-04-09T15:47:39Z")
I’d just like to say that the toothpaste story came up at Spiffled. General consensus: SPOOFE, hadn’t you ever heard of using, say…SOAP??? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2001, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/13 "2001-04-10T01:35:50Z")
This I gotta hear. What exactly could be in toothpaste that would cause a penis to bleed? ---
**Author:** ![beagledave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6de8d8/32.png) [@beagledave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beagledave)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2001, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/14 "2001-04-10T02:10:49Z")
The curious and depraved may wish to do a search for the infamous TMI thread, which includes (I think) the toothpaste story. After reading the whole thread, you will not think the same about Golden Retrievers ever again ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2001, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/15 "2001-04-10T06:59:55Z")
The Toothpaste story: I tried masturbating while using toothpaste as a lubricant. I was thinking, “Hey, it’s slippery when you brush your teeth.” However, I soon found out that without saliva to keep the moisture levels optimal, toothpaste begins to stick… and I wound up tearing the skin on Lil’ SPOOFE (just under the head, too… EEEOOOWWWCH!!!). The Toothbrush story: Despite Mr. Cynical’s seeming obsession with it, it simply involves me sticking a toothbrush up my ass to see what anal stimulation is like. Needless to say, it was interesting, but it quickly occurred to me that I had a fuckin’ toothbrush (no pun intended) up my ass, and I quickly removed it and threw it away. (Damn, I’m good…) ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2001, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/16 "2001-04-10T08:54:14Z")
Have you ever thought about experimenting with dental floss — just so you could have the full set of stories? ---
**Author:** ![hashiriya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hashiriya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hashiriya)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2001, 9:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/17 "2001-04-10T09:35:39Z")
Toothpaste? Ouch. Try Shampoo with Conditioner…it’s good for your pubic hair too! As far as the toothbrush is concerned, I suppose if you used it with the brush side in, you could get on helluva colon cleaning, huh. Hehehe. :eek: -hashiriya- ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2001, 10:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/18 "2001-04-10T10:21:54Z")
Tansu… what do you think I use when nipple clamps aren’t available? Hash… it was the Toothpaste Incident that taught me that I need to learn how to whack off dry. Aside from that, though, I’ve found that most hand lotions provide a nice feeling… although, being a poor college student with limited funds and transportation, I’ve been unable to get my hands on “professional” lube like KY jelly or such. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2001, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/19 "2001-04-10T10:23:03Z")
> [@](#): > > it’s good for your pubic hair too! Don’t have pubic hair. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2001, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316/20 "2001-04-10T13:00:13Z")
Great. He told it. Why do I bother begging for mercy? Someone answer me! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/secret-gross-out-illuminati-a-word-please/61316.md?page=2)