# SECURITY ALERT - Squirrels on the Move **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 5, 2003, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003 "2003-02-05T18:04:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/1 "2003-02-05T18:04:37Z")
To: Commander Northeast Squirrel Defense Forces 02-05-2203 Sitrep - Castle Welby Command Bunker inside Castle Welby. We have fended off yet another vicious attack from the People’s Democratic Squirrel Army. Their plan was insidious and well executed, and only through the grace of Og and the quick thinking of the wounded welbywife were we able to prevail. A commando team of squirrels infiltrated Castle Welby at approximately 9:03 AM EST. They avoided detection by perimeter sensors by stripping off their usual combat armor and slipping into the compound wearing only their skivvies. The teams immediately spread out to cause as much damage as possible. Team 1, a lone commando, made it up the stairs and into the mess hall, which was guarded by two sentries, Sgt. William Shakespeare and PFC Pandora. I regret to report that Sgt. Shakespeare was asleep at his post, though PFC Pandora used her built-in alarm system to alert the household guards. Team 2 made their way to Princess Welbydaughter’s bedroom, where they proceeded to crap on the rug and generally make a mess of her room. Damage assessments are difficult at this time because the state of the Princess’ room is usually compared to the results of a tornado in a trailer park. The rest of the household guard, consisting of Queen Welbywife and Prince Welbyson responded immediately to the alarms raised by Sgt. William Shakespeare and PFC Pandora (Barkmeister 2000), as well as the alarm raised by the Princess (GirlyScream-A-Tron 2001). Queen Welbywife immediately alerted the Hostage Rescue Team, and I traveled from my station at the office to effect the release of hostages and elimination of the intruders. My first view of the scene revealed that quick thinking by the Queen managed to trap Team Two in their area of operations. She quickly closed the squirrel-proof doors and sealed them. Ominous sounds could be heard from within. The mess hall guards treed Team One at the top of the book case in the Billiard Room. Apparently Team One fought viciously, since the room was littered with debris, though the guards did not appeared to be injured in any way. Their reports are forthcoming, but both guards swear that they had nothing to do with the destruction of anything knocked off of the book cases. Forensics is testing the teeth marks to be sure that both guards are cleared of any wrongdoing. I quickly threw a blanket over the Squirrel Commando and captured him. Actually, for the sake of accuracy, this officer must state that he missed the first three times, though he is fairly certain that the vase falling was not caused by miss number two. I finally captured the commando, and disposed of him outside, in the Squirrel Relocation Area. Team Two was forced out of the Castle in a bloody action that resulted in several injuries. First, the HRT team placed barriers leading from the Princess’ room to the rear exit of the Castle. Guards were posted behind the barriers and armed with sleeping bags. This officer, at grave risk to life and limb, then entered the occupied area, armed with a blanket. Per training and instructions, the blanket was held in front, and unfortunately managed to obscure the first object to cause an injury, namely the footstool used by Princess Welbydaughter to paint her toenails. In point of fact, I tripped over it, barking my shin and exposing myself to enemy fire. The Team Two Commandos were stunned by my assault entry and were too surprised to react immediately, so I’m glad to say that I escaped certain death at their paws. One of the Commandos, showing typical cowardice, abandoned his comrade immediately and was forced out of the castle door. The other commando avoided all of my attacks, mainly by hiding under the bed. An application of the Broomstick Mark V to the underside of aforementioned bed managed to dislodge the commando, who bolted through the door, but in the wrong direction. In my zeal to pursue the attacker, I managed to step on a land mine (Note to self, next time move the damn footstool), thus barking my other shin and causing much mirth amongst the rest of the guard detail. The last Commando scurried over my injured self, and made a break for the door, where he escaped before being questioned. Upon conclusion of my assault mission, I helped the rest of the team put back the barricades, which left a splinter in my right pinky finger. Investigation of the security measures revealed that the Princess left open a window in her room. She was airing it out after a Perfume Incident. She has been admonished and has promised to be more aware of security in the future. Diagrams and other intelligence information is attached. Please ensure that the decorations for the Purple Heart are processed immediately. Signed, Commander, Hostage Response Team Capt. Welby Welberton Castle Welby ---
**Author:** ![Who\_me\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/958977/32.png) [@Who\_me\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Who_me_1)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/2 "2003-02-05T18:38:11Z")
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to react to this. Is hysterical laughter appropriate? 😉 Good job Captain. I’m sure your family will see that you get rewarded as is your due. ---
**Author:** ![Tupug\_Anachi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@Tupug\_Anachi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tupug_Anachi)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/3 "2003-02-05T19:16:51Z")
Good for you, \*\*Wellby[\b]! We must defend our turf against the evil tree rats! ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/4 "2003-02-05T20:07:44Z")
Three questions: 1. How did your wife get injured? 2. How do you know what’s going to happen 200 years from now. 3. Can you help me with my struggles against the Bat Air Command? Thanks in advance. ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/5 "2003-02-05T20:13:28Z")
Sigh. All that work and I mis-type the date. Welbywife is recovering from a previous engagement that required back surgery. As for your struggles against the Bat Air Command, I suggest a sock filled with sand. They just can’t resist it. ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/6 "2003-02-05T20:24:43Z")
Thanks, General. I never would have thought of a sock filled with sand. Throwing the cat up in the air wasn’t terribly productive. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/7 "2003-02-05T20:49:26Z")
OH MY GOD! Was it like [this](http://www.scarysquirrel.org/attack/attack1.html) . I hope not, for your sake. ---
**Author:** ![Inky\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7feea3/32.png) [@Inky\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inky_1)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/8 "2003-02-05T21:14:42Z")
Bravo Welby! There’s only one way to deal with bushy-tailed interlopers – hard and fast! And preferably with a broom. ---
**Author:** ![cadolphin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c37758/32.png) [@cadolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cadolphin)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/9 "2003-02-05T22:48:48Z")
Very well written **welby**! Thank you very much for the belly laugh… I totally needed it today. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21825_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/10 "2003-02-05T23:12:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Exgineer \* > \*\*Throwing the cat up in the air wasn’t terribly productive. \*\* Doggone you! You almost had me choking on my egg roll! **welby** , a gripping tale well told - luckily, I wasn’t eating when I read your part! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![chique](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/11 "2003-02-06T00:39:05Z")
**welby** , have you been listening to [this](http://www.thislife.org/ra/115.ram) (about 20 minutes in; RA link, sorry)? ---
**Author:** ![monica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a183cd/32.png) [@monica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monica)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/12 "2003-02-06T02:12:28Z")
There is a better way. Make a treaty with the PDSA (People’s Democratic Squirrel Army.) We have at my house, and is has been very effective. By providing corn on special squirrel feeders on our deck to supplement their diet, the creatures have as of yet left the house alone. Perhaps this is something you might wish to try. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/13 "2003-02-06T02:40:10Z")
You would _appease_ our oppressors? You would _accept_ their observation nests high in the trees, their stealthy movements (always just out of sight around the tree), their skittering and pelting of nuts? ---
**Author:** ![Rhum\_Runner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rhum\_Runner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhum_Runner)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/14 "2003-02-06T02:41:31Z")
I was the unfortunate victim of a raid by the dreaded Red Squirrel Army in December. They infiltrated the roof, but two boxes of .410 shells, and two very dead squirrels later, they were defeated. For now… ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 11:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/15 "2003-02-06T11:45:30Z")
**Monica** , you can’t trust them. First it’s little corn feeders on the back deck, and the next thing you know you’ve got squirrels raiding the fridge for beer and hogging the remote. Quick, decisive action is the only way to deal with them. **Exgineer** the problem with guided cat missle assemblies tends to be the in personality chip. Apparently the engineering team thought that it would be funny to make the guided cat missle sniff haughtily and stroll off with its tail in the air after a near miss. ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/16 "2003-02-06T14:15:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FairyChatMom \* > \*\*Doggone you! You almost had me choking on my egg roll! > \*\* Neat. My very first “you almost made me choke on something” post. Shrimp egg roll? Please tell me it was shrimp. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by welby_ > **Exgineer the problem with guided cat missle assemblies tends to be the in personality chip. Apparently the engineering team thought that it would be funny to make the guided cat missle sniff haughtily and stroll off with its tail in the air after a near miss.** That ain’t the half of it. Guidance and targeting are also fairly substandard, because the tragectory is completely ballistic and the aerodynamics are, quite frankly, crap. I tried to build a mechanical launcher, but I couldn’t get the projectile out from under the bed. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21825_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/17 "2003-02-06T14:36:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Exgineer \* > \*\*Shrimp egg roll? Please tell me it was shrimp. \*\* As a matterofact, it was. Are you psychic? \ ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/18 "2003-02-06T14:52:15Z")
The projectile hiding is yet another major problem with the cat missile. Did you try tuna fish? What were the specs of your mechanical launcher? We had an accuracy problem based on method of delivery. When you take the projectile by the tail and swing it around your head to launch it you must make sure your follow though and extend your arm all the way. This can be more difficult than it sounds, since the projectile has a built in wiggle effect and can often make keening noises. ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/19 "2003-02-06T16:15:23Z")
The initial design concept was a slingshot-thingy constructed of surgical tubing and a bucket. The project was abandoned when it occured to me that loading a projectile fully equipped with four complete sets of needle penetrators and a bad attitude might not be the most fun I’ve ever had. It may be this sort of engineering which keeps outfits like Raytheon and Lockheed-Martin from taking my job applications seriously. ---
**Author:** ![Bibliovore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bibliovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bibliovore)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003/20 "2003-02-06T16:35:06Z")
Damn you both **Welby** and **Exgineer** , you’re going to get me fired! I’m reading this at work while eating a sandwich, and I’m busting a gut trying to keep from laughing out loud! One over-enthisiastic chortle, and there’ll be tuna mayo all over my screen! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/security-alert-squirrels-on-the-move/153003.md?page=2)